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Short answer is, OP's wife needs a new job. If the two of you can get by on one income, convince her to quit. At least find a nearby spa and get her a gift certificate for nails, hair or a massage. Then give her some space and make dinner or at least reservations someplace without a drive up window. Good luck to you OP.
They're not married and barely seem to know each other.
I was in a similar situation, but it was me that was stressed out from my job and being unfair to my g/f. The job paid well and we both enjoyed the benefits of that, but I literally didn't want to talk to anyone when I got home. It would take 2-3 hours just to unwind and shortly after that it was time to go to bed. She kept quiet about it for a bit, but then finally said something. I will never forget her words - "either doing something about your job situation or I will have something to say about it." It wasn't just her noticing. Friends and family were all saying I was becoming distant and not the same person. Eventually I did quit and I can't tell you how much of a burden was lifted from my shoulders. She did me a favor by speaking up so perhaps you can do the same for your g/f.
Maybe you need to open her eyes as my guess is it's not just you feeling the side effects of her stressful job. Ultimately, you have to make yourself happy so if it continues to be an issue directly affecting you, then you need to decide how long you can tolerate it before making a change.
When my GF gets finished with work (she works a 9-5 desk job), she acts cold and rude towards me. Right after work she will go on a walk, go to the gym, or go to the pool, come back, and stay in the bedroom watching TV for the rest of the evening. I always ask her if she wants to watch a movie or go somewhere and she says no. I have asked her a few times if she is upset at me about something and she says "I'm not mad at you at all. I just had a very stressful day with work and need some alone time". If I ask what she wants for dinner, she says "I have no idea. I'll figure something out."
When she works at home the same day as me, I can feel the coldness from another room. She will be at her desk and I hear the huffing/puffing and sigh noises. If I go into the kitchen and make something that makes even a slight bit of noise like opening/closing a cabinet, I hear the sighing and huffing/puffing even more. Eventually she will say "can you please do that later" in a rude tone. I finally just had to go into my office 5 days a week to avoid the BS.
My GF has pretty bad anxiety which I think is what is primarily causing this behavior. Also, she seems to have some issues with wanting acceptance/recognition/praise from other people because her parents didn't give her any growing up. I think the extra work is causing her anxiety to skyrocket and wanting the extra work is about wanting her manager and higher level people at work to praise her.
What would you do?
My spouse has a stressful job, too, and often works late. Anytime I hear the garage door open and her car pulling in, I quickly turn-off the PlayStation and hide the controllers. Then, I act like I'm doing the laundry or vacuuming even though we have a robot that does it. Look, I understand a guy's need for video games, but every girl is annoyed by them for some reason. So, you can't get caught or it'll breed resentment. That's #1. Now read the room. If that and acting like doing chores aren't working, then you have to go with your best move and give her foot, back, and shoulder rubs. This is guaranteed to work; but if you overplay this hand, she might get suspicious.
I was in a similar situation, but it was me that was stressed out from my job and being unfair to my g/f. The job paid well and we both enjoyed the benefits of that, but I literally didn't want to talk to anyone when I got home. It would take 2-3 hours just to unwind and shortly after that it was time to go to bed. She kept quiet about it for a bit, but then finally said something. I will never forget her words - "either doing something about your job situation or I will have something to say about it." It wasn't just her noticing. Friends and family were all saying I was becoming distant and not the same person. Eventually I did quit and I can't tell you how much of a burden was lifted from my shoulders. She did me a favor by speaking up so perhaps you can do the same for your g/f.
Maybe you need to open her eyes as my guess is it's not just you feeling the side effects of her stressful job. Ultimately, you have to make yourself happy so if it continues to be an issue directly affecting you, then you need to decide how long you can tolerate it before making a change.
But the OP's other issues with the gf, which he hasn't mentioned in this thread, will still be present, if she were to decline the extra work she's taking on, and forego the option for a promotion. He'd then still be stuck with someone who doesn't do the dishes and is neglectful in other ways, and lashes out when she's tired or frustrated at any time. Even before the new job responsibilities, she didn't handle stress or fatigue well, which led the OP to question the whole relationship. And those were his "good old days" with her!
But the OP's other issues with the gf, which he hasn't mentioned in this thread, will still be present, if she were to decline the extra work she's taking on, and forego the option for a promotion. He'd then still be stuck with someone who doesn't do the dishes and is neglectful in other ways, and lashes out when she's tired or frustrated at any time. Even before the new job responsibilities, she didn't handle stress or fatigue well, which led the OP to question the whole relationship. And those were his "good old days" with her!
I am just throwing put a possible solution that worked for my relationship. Not saying it will work out or not for him and his g/f, but sometimes an ultimatum is enough to wake someone up to how their behaviors are affecting their SO. It did for me.
Now read the room. If that and acting like doing chores aren't working, then you have to go with your best move and give her foot, back, and shoulder rubs.
Why would you have to pretend to do household chores and show your spouse affection, when genuinely and sincerely doing those things are the foundation of a functional relationship? It's not a trick or a game.
When my GF gets finished with work (she works a 9-5 desk job), she acts cold and rude towards me. Right after work she will go on a walk, go to the gym, or go to the pool, come back, and stay in the bedroom watching TV for the rest of the evening. I always ask her if she wants to watch a movie or go somewhere and she says no. I have asked her a few times if she is upset at me about something and she says "I'm not mad at you at all. I just had a very stressful day with work and need some alone time". If I ask what she wants for dinner, she says "I have no idea. I'll figure something out."
When she works at home the same day as me, I can feel the coldness from another room. She will be at her desk and I hear the huffing/puffing and sigh noises. If I go into the kitchen and make something that makes even a slight bit of noise like opening/closing a cabinet, I hear the sighing and huffing/puffing even more. Eventually she will say "can you please do that later" in a rude tone. I finally just had to go into my office 5 days a week to avoid the BS.
I get it, we all have stressful days at work but the issue is that this happens literally every single day. I was a middle school teacher for several years and had to deal with pre-teens and teens and Karen parents and I had fewer bad days than she does. The problem also is that she brought this on herself. About a month ago, she volunteered to do extra projects when she was already busy with normal work and now she is totally swamped and being nasty to me.
In a nice way I told her that I think it's a bad idea for her to take on extra projects when she is already swamped. I also explained that she should leave work at work and forget about it when she's done. She said "I'm not like you. It's hard for me to hold in my feelings. If I had a stressful day, it's hard for me to just act normal. I'm doing this extra work so I can stand out and get promoted. I can't just do my normal job duties and come home like you do." She didn't say it in a nice way and basically implied that I do the bare minimum at my job and then come home.
My GF has pretty bad anxiety which I think is what is primarily causing this behavior. Also, she seems to have some issues with wanting acceptance/recognition/praise from other people because her parents didn't give her any growing up. I think the extra work is causing her anxiety to skyrocket and wanting the extra work is about wanting her manager and higher level people at work to praise her.
She really needs to see a therapist for her anxiety but says "they don't know what I'm going through and talking about it isn't going to help me in any way".
I should add that she wasn't really this way before taking on extra projects. Maybe once or twice a week she had stressful days and acted like this but not it's every day.
What would you do?
Why would you tolerate that? How often do you have intimacy? If it's never it rarely it's over. Walk away and be glad you didn't marry her.
It's not all work. If she was crazy about you she would want to destress with you. She'd want to walk with you, watch tv with you, have meals with you, etc. She's just not that into you.
I suggest you leave and make a life for yourself. She might not even notice if you do.
Always good insight from E-twist.
When my partner has a rough day the first thing he wants is my arms around him. If you aren't the person they seek when they need comfort it's not meant to be
It seems that a reworking of the title is in order
Girlfriend's job is ruining our relationship.
Girlfriend's reaction to job stress is ruining our relationship.
My willingness to tolerate girlfriend's reation to job stress is ruining our relationship,
I mean, gf could attack job stress before it affects the relationship. Or the OP could draw the line and say that while a certain amount of decompression at the end of the day is ok, this is too much.
Many people point a finger of blame, but if the other person tolerated it, then it's kind of on the other person as well.
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