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There IS something wrong with that! You’re encouraging him to continue and deepen this OBSESSION for years, to the exclusion of getting out, meeting and interacting with other young women who are more accessible and available right now. Every week that goes by that he’s just sitting around dreaming about Lisa is only going to make it worse. Like I said in my previous post, he’s going to wake up one day and find he’s 40 years old, still dreaming about her and having no social skill development.
You have to take this in the context that the father and son (their family) are deeply religious. In this case, they are interested in Lisa because (they think) she meets specific criterias that are extremely hard to find such as being a virgin. So, in this context, I can see why there's a fixation on Lisa.
Lisa's best friend is letting your son's friend down easy. She basically told your son's friend that Lisa is not ready for a relationship most likely since Lisa is already in a relationship and she does not to elaborate as to why?????? It is an easy way out for Lisa's friend not wanting to elaborate.
Guys, all these people including us are very religious. Lying is wrong. None of those people would lie for an easy way out. They would tell the truth in the most kind way possible even if it hurts. Lisa is single for sure. According to my son, it’s even clear that she’s single on social media.
No she didn’t know. Lisa’s friend does not even know who my son is. They’ve never met. And while she has a relationship with my son’s good friend they are not best friends. They don’t hangout that often anyways, but they have a relationship.
All he told Lisa’s friend was that he has a friend that is interested in getting to know Lisa. That’s it. She didn’t even ask Lisa or talk to her at all about it and yet she even promised not to say a word to Lisa about it.
Again, how do you know so much about all these relationships, who knows who, who is friends with who, what was said, etc.
You seem awfully similar to your son, making assumptions about people you have never met and likely never will.
On top of that, your advice is BAD. It's not smart and it's not parental. In fact, it's the sort of advice an autistic kid obsessed with a stranger would give himself.
You have to take this in the context that the father and son (their family) are deeply religious. In this case, they are interested in Lisa because (they think) she meets specific criterias that are extremely hard to find such as being a virgin. So, in this context, I can see why there's a fixation on Lisa.
Thank You! Yes, we are all extremely religious and very conservative Christians. Not new age Christians, conservative Christians as in Billy Graham or Lisa Bevere type.
These are our values and none of my kids would date anyone that does not abide by these values:
1. Lying is a sin. Period. No lying to let someone down easily. You need to be truthful.
2. Sex is strictly for marriage. NO SEX outside marriage under any circumstance.
3. We are strong believers in Jesus Christ and he is the only way to salvation.
4. Sleeping with the opposite sex is absolutely NOT ALLOWED outside of marriage.
5. Honesty and Trust is extremely important.
Again, how do you know so much about all these relationships, who knows who, who is friends with who, what was said, etc.
You seem awfully similar to your son, making assumptions about people you have never met and likely never will.
On top of that, your advice is BAD. It's not smart and it's not parental. In fact, it's the sort of advice an autistic kid obsessed with a stranger would give himself.
My son asked for exact details about the conversation.
I am wondering why these two imagine for a moment that a woman 5 years older with poise, leadership experience, career ambitions and her V card would not have a million better options than a shy awkward autistic kid barely out of his teens who lives 3 hours away and tends to run away when it looks like he might have to talk to her.
So your son is looking her up on her social media, and they are not friends?
How do you know Lisa is such a strong adherent to your beliefs?
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If people see the miles he goes and how far out of his way he goes to spend time and invest in people he barely knows, that could come across as being obsessed and push them away.
All that to say, I do feel that some people get creeped out so fast, and immediately claim “Stalker” after anything that might seem persistent. It’s ridiculous what this society has become, and the amount of fear people live in. It’s ok to be a little more persistent than the normal person, as long as you’re being respectful of the other person and not being unreasonable. A little more persistence is not automatically stalking.
The danger is that for a person who is not able to read social cues very well, it's really hard to know what is one person's "persistent" and what is another's "creepy" and "stalking" and could get him reported to the police or human resources. The fact that you state your son has struggled with this his entire life in friendships, with people he's become fixated on feeling creeped out and like he came on way too strong when your son had an idea of the person in his head when really they didn't know each other well at all is an indication he may struggle with reading social cues.
This means, dad, that you need to help him here. Lisa has said no. She has not left the door open. She has said she isn't open to dating. So because your son is hard-headed and has a lot of trouble reading social cues, perhaps even extremely obvious ones like not interested means not interested, you need to help him by saying, "Son, Lisa said no. That means you are going to have to move on."
Instead, you are doing the opposite by feeding into his poor reading of social cues and trying to find ways to keep him obsessed with Lisa, a woman who is not only older than him, but also lives three hours away. Women mature faster than guys anyway, so I have a really hard time understanding how a woman five years older than him is a good match for a guy who is extremely immature for his age by the sound of it.
I would suggest that you talk to your son about improving his social life locally. It's one thing to love our children as they are. All parents should practice unconditional love. But right now I think that by embracing his unhealthy behavior and saying he's just like that, you are instead hobbling him and are endorsing behaviors that will prevent him from forming normal relationships. Instead you could be practicing the behavior of unconditional love, but also guiding him to rather than fixate on one person at a time for a potential friend and get upset when they are alarmed about his behavior, join several groups where he will have to meet large groups of people and socialize with lots of people. Make lots of potential friends and see which friendships stick. Practice makes perfect.
Same thing with meeting girls. Having Lisa be the only girl he crushes on from afar isn't a good strategy anyway. He has never talked to her. He has no practice talking to a girl he thought was pretty successfully and couldn't even approach Lisa. He had to have his friend approach her friend from three hours away. And got a no. So Lisa is out.
If he wants to be more successful the next time around, he will need to practice, which means he needs to actually talk to girls and probably go out for coffee, do a bible study. Something where he isn't afraid to walk up to the next girl himself as soon as he thinks he might be interested and strike up a conversation to see if they have chemistry. But again, reading social cues takes practice. He should get out there and interact, not waste his 20's staring at one person at a time from afar.
To be honest, I really do not understand all the troubles about long distance relationships. What difference does it make? If you both like each other, try to see as much as you can and you can do FaceTime dates, etc. Maybe even consider moving closer. I just do not get why distance is such a barrier and turn off to some people like that.
Precisely because it assumes right from the get-go that one person is going to give up everything-- job, family, friends, established hobbies-- and move to where the other one is (that's a big assumption for any relationship, let alone one where the people barely even know each other and whether they're going to find each other worth looking to give up everything for). Because it's hard to maintain-- let alone establish-- a relationship on phone calls and only seeing each other occasionally. There are better conditions for building relationships, and with all of the people in the world available to one on one's own doorstep, why deliberately go further afield and make it harder than it needs to be from day one?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Danny K
For him it's often he is not looking for a girlfriend, but he just wants to date "this specific person". He often builds relationships and forms attachments in a much more targeted way compared to the average person.
Even when it comes to making platonic guy friends, he will often hear about a guy or see someone from a distance and then try to talk to him and try and befriend him. He can get really attached and fixated on people that he barely even knows, and sometimes he's even obsessed over a few people that he's heard about that he has never even met in person at all.
Until Lisa completely shuts him down forever, he will not date any other girl because he is saving it for Lisa. I know this might sound weird or terrible to the average person, but it is his choice how he wants to live his life, and as his father I need to love him for who he is. I honestly do admire his loyalty, but just want to make sure he is prepared that Lisa could very well just not be interested in dating him ever and he just needs to accept that if that is the case. I think he will, but he wants to be absolutely sure there is no chance.
"Obsession" is rarely a healthy word to use to describe just about anything one does, and it's not usually something one wants to cultivate or encourage in oneself.
As Kenny Rogers said (yes, I'm actually making this quote; sorry, guys): You've gotta know when to hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em. Sometimes sticking something out to the bitter end is not the best course of action, regardless of what the inspirational posters tell you. Everything in life doesn't always neatly work out to a resolution, one doesn't always get "closure," and not being able to let go of something/someone until the circumstances are wrapped up in a tidy little package with no loose ends or ambiguities is going to make for an unpleasant time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43
Had the two of you met? AND he was dating other people, which, to me, is different. But we are all different.
OP: I may have missed it, but has your son dated anyone in college or after?
And-- there's a difference between having a mild crush on someone but it doesn't derail your life, and if you meet up with them later you think "eh, let's see" but in the meantime you're living your life and they're not really on your mind and you'd get involved with other people... and having a crush on someone to the point that they are the only person you want even if it takes years.
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