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The part of this that stuck out to me is that he's had this crush and never made a move. That's because he doesn't know how.
The sad thing is is there's no way to figure this out. Also there's another component here that seems strange. You really really wants a girlfriend which would mean he's probably not ready for one. Someone who places a high value on whether or not they can keep a woman around is very easily manipulated by that woman.
Sounds like your son needs to work on his confidence I would do that before I do anything regarding the opposite sex. These ladies will chew him up and spit him out so fast.
Did he ever do any athletic stuff or was he more of a bookworm or a video game nerd?
Also are you his father or his mother?
I’m the father! He generally likes soccer and basketball. He’s played video games before but is not actually huge on them.
Oh dear lord...you've described your son as a stalker. Instead of praising him for this, perhaps get him some therapy?
Oh Come On now, he didn’t even contact her at all or anything. She never told him she wasn’t interested. Her best friend just told his friend that she’s not looking for a relationship at the moment and wouldn’t like to be setup. He did nothing else other than talk to me and his close friends about it.
It’s totally fine to check with her again maybe directly within a few months or a year. Plenty of guys do that. Absolutely not stalking or harassment, especially since she never even told him she wasn’t interested. Not to mention her best friend didn’t ask her and just assumed by knowing her. Lisa has no idea that my son is even interested and there was communication with her best friend about it.
I know that we live in a society where stalking has been a problem, but there’s no need to get scared and worked up so easily about to when he never really even did a thing.
Congratulations, this is called stalking and harassment.
Lisa will do well to get a restraining order on your son.
As an adult, you should know better than to enable this type of creepy abnormal behavior. Not interested means not interested. It doesn't mean "check back latter, wait for me, stalk me, and don't let go until I have to be ruder to you and let you know I don't want you."
See my post above. Maybe I didn’t explain it very clearly. He won’t stalk her, don’t worry. Remember Lisa is not even aware that he’s interested and her best friend just told his best friend that she’s not interested in a relationship at the moment without even knowing details as to who my son is. There are plenty of girls that aren’t ready for a relationship at a certain time but might be later. Heck, I even know about breakups that happened because one was just not ready for a relationship.
It’s perfectly ok to wait it out and check back again in a year or so. I know plenty of guys who checked back with a girl that couldn’t date the first time they asked and were very successful. It only gets creepy and stalking if you bug a girl after she’s told you No and keep trying right away or if she’s clearly said she’s not interested in you at all.
I’ve even been very firm with my son that he is to leave her alone for 6 months to a year before trying again. He agreed. I even told him that if she tells him she isn’t interested, ask her right after that if she thinks she’ll ever be interested or he should just let go and move on. If she says she thinks she’ll never be interested, than he tells her that if anything changes she needs to let him know, and then leave her alone and not ask her again.
IDK, why people get so worked up in today’s society and call anything that’s a little persistent stalking.
It just seems like a lot of work for something with an extremely low probability of success. He’s never spoken to her, he doesn’t live nearby, and (most importantly) she has stated she’s not interested in a relationship.
There’s tons of young women, some very attractive I bet* within a five mile radius of your son. Looking for a relationship. He should try meeting some of them.
* I mentioned appearance since that seems to be what the big draw to Lisa is.
Edit: don’t encourage him to “wait” for Lisa. Otherwise he’s going to wake up one morning and be 40 years old without ever having a relationship. He’s in the “prime time” for finding a partner right now.
It's probably a barrier because most normal people want regular sex.
Oh. Just so you know, we are a religious family that is Christian and so is Lisa. Therefore, sex does not happen until after marriage. That’s a strict boundary we have as Christians, and Lisa would definitely have that boundary as well. He went to a Christian college that is very strict on that, and if sex occurs before marriage, you can get kicked out of that college.
He might be a little bit. I’m not sure. Why do you ask? He’s never been diagnosed. When he was a kid, a few people have asked that, but we never really got him assessed.
I asked bc of your post #42 description of your son.
Also when boys are hesitant to become men there is often a developmental issue.
Your son is not a stalker, he hasn't gone near the woman. He didn't even initiate the conversation with his friend about her. A person can inquire about people they went to school with for heaven's sake without it being some sort of ominous move.
I asked bc of your post #42 description of your son.
Also when boys are hesitant to become men there is often a developmental issue.
Your son is not a stalker, he hasn't gone near the woman. He didn't even initiate the conversation with his friend about her. A person can inquire about people they went to school with for heaven's sake without it being some sort of ominous move.
Cheers
For sure! He’s actually very mature like a man in some ways but a little behind in other ways. Aren’t we all sometimes though? He does struggle a little with confidence but he’s working on it. It’s very possible he could be mildly autistic, but he’s really living life on his own for the most part.
I gotta say though, I think being shy is very normal even for grown up men. I used to be like that until I was around 30 years old, and while I enjoyed socializing, I tended to not talk to that many people. My wife and I were set up by another girl that knew us both. I never even had the courage to ask anyone out.
It’s funny because I look back and I wasn’t even really thinking about a relationship during my college years, but a girl that I was friends with really wanted my to try to date and set me up with one of her friends. I agreed to give it a try, and started enjoying it and now my wife and I are happily married with 7 kids.
For sure! He’s actually very mature like a man in some ways but a little behind in other ways. Aren’t we all sometimes though? He does struggle a little with confidence but he’s working on it. It’s very possible he could be mildly autistic, but he’s really living life on his own for the most part.
I gotta say though, I think being shy is very normal even for grown up men. I used to be like that until I was around 30 years old, and while I enjoyed socializing, I tended to not talk to that many people. My wife and I were set up by another girl that knew us both. I never even had the courage to ask anyone out.
It’s funny because I look back and I wasn’t even really thinking about a relationship during my college years, but a girl that I was friends with really wanted my to try to date and set me up with one of her friends. I agreed to give it a try, and started enjoying it and now my wife and I are happily married with 7 kids.
Oh my goodness! Congratulations
Good luck to your son, he sounds like a nice young man.
It just seems like a lot of work for something with an extremely low probability of success. He’s never spoken to her, he doesn’t live nearby, and (most importantly) she has stated she’s not interested in a relationship.
There’s tons of young women, some very attractive I bet* within a five mile radius of your son. Looking for a relationship. He should try meeting some of them.
* I mentioned appearance since that seems to be what the big draw to Lisa is.
Edit: don’t encourage him to “wait” for Lisa. Otherwise he’s going to wake up one morning and be 40 years old without ever having a relationship. He’s in the “prime time” for finding a partner right now.
This is an excellent post.
There isn't anything healthy or natural to be so fixated on one woman to the exclusion of all others. You encouraging this fantasy is not serving him well at all.
My Oldest Son is in his early 20s and graduated from college last year. During his time in college, there is a girl that he has seen from a distance a few times. This mostly occurred in a few sessions he attended that she was the leader of. They have never talked personally before. We will call this girl "Lisa". Ever since he has first seen Lisa and heard her speak, he has developed an extremely huge crush on her and would really like to pursue this and see if they can go about a relationship together. Lisa is 5 years older than my son, but the way he thinks is mature for his age, and therefore he often likes the older girls because he says that the girls his age or younger just don't have as much of a mature perspective on life in general.
There was one time during his last year of college where My Son told me that he was actually walking past Lisa's house on campus, and she was out on her porch chilling and enjoying the hot weather. However, he was way too scared to approach her or try and start a conversation, so he just kept walking a little and then ran away. Anyways, he has always dreamed of a girlfriend, but has been fairly content and never tried to push for it too hard. That being said, he has not really met or came across any other girls that he has a strong crush and interest in. Lisa is the only one. He's a tough man to please.
Nowadays, My Son lives back home with us as he is job hunting, and working a few part time jobs at the moment. He was recently talking to one of his best friends back from college that now lives about 2 hrs away from us. His best friend asked him if he has any girls on his mind, and my son mentioned Lisa to him, and he really wants to find away to try and ask her out and pursue something. It turns out that Lisa now lives in the same town as my son's best friend, and that the best friend knows Lisa because his best friends is involved in certain gym / workout classes that Lisa is one of the trainers for. However, his best friend and Lisa are not really close outside of that.
His best friend actually is closer with one of Lisa's best friends, so to help my son, he texted Lisa's best friend and mentioned to him that he has a friend that knows about Lisa back from college and that he likes Lisa and is interested in getting to know her better. Without him even mentioning my son's name or who he is at all, her best friend said that "Lisa is very content being single and probably would not like to be set up on a date, so she recommended that he does not bring it up to Lisa, especially since he and Lisa are not close friends outside of the classes. Lisa's best friend promised that she would not tell Lisa about any of this and keep it a secret.
My son was definitely disappointed, and felt a little bummed, but he knows it couldn't have been straight rejection because it didn't directly come from Lisa, and his best friend didn't even mention my son's name at all when he was talking with Lisa's best friend. From what I understand is that Lisa is just not ready for a relationship yet.
Anyways, my question is, do you think there is any way my son might be able to try again in the future? What is really the best way he can go about it? Back during my time, we didn't have social media, etc, so we really never dated in the same way. I am not sure how weird it is in this generation to have feelings for someone that you don't even really know and that lives a distance from you. I don't think it is common, but I have definitely seen crazy things happen before, and my son even has a few stories that he has heard from other friends. Should he maybe try and go through a mutual friend?
He does know Lisa's account on social media but they are not connected, and I told him not to try and connect with Lisa on social media because she doesn't really know who he is, and it could feel creepy. I suppose he could try sending a private message, but I still think it is creepy if you don't know the person. Do you have any advice on how my son can ask this girl out in the least creepy way possible? He really wants to go for Lisa and sees a lot of potential, but he also wants to watch it and not do anything that could potentially push Lisa away. My son and Lisa have a lot of mutual friends, and I just wonder if he can maybe try and set a group activity up with Lisa and others so he can get to know her better? It's hard as well because he doesn't have that many mutual friends in the same area that Lisa lives in, and distance is an obstacle.
What do you all think? Should my son see what he can do, or should he maybe just suck it up and drop it? I honestly support him in this, and they always say, try your best, and if you get rejected, at least you tried.
Wow. None of this, AT ALL, is any business of yours. Sounds like you are controlling and butting in his love life which is totally HIS. You should want to be in his life, but you shoult NOT want to be 'ALL UP IN HIS LIFE'. You are so eaten up by trying to control him that you are venting on a social site because 'you' don't know what to do about your son's crush on a girl? O M G
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