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My Oldest Son is in his early 20s and graduated from college last year. During his time in college, there is a girl that he has seen from a distance a few times. This mostly occurred in a few sessions he attended that she was the leader of. They have never talked personally before. We will call this girl "Lisa". Ever since he has first seen Lisa and heard her speak, he has developed an extremely huge crush on her and would really like to pursue this and see if they can go about a relationship together. Lisa is 5 years older than my son, but the way he thinks is mature for his age, and therefore he often likes the older girls because he says that the girls his age or younger just don't have as much of a mature perspective on life in general.
There was one time during his last year of college where My Son told me that he was actually walking past Lisa's house on campus, and she was out on her porch chilling and enjoying the hot weather. However, he was way too scared to approach her or try and start a conversation, so he just kept walking a little and then ran away. Anyways, he has always dreamed of a girlfriend, but has been fairly content and never tried to push for it too hard. That being said, he has not really met or came across any other girls that he has a strong crush and interest in. Lisa is the only one. He's a tough man to please.
Nowadays, My Son lives back home with us as he is job hunting, and working a few part time jobs at the moment. He was recently talking to one of his best friends back from college that now lives about 2 hrs away from us. His best friend asked him if he has any girls on his mind, and my son mentioned Lisa to him, and he really wants to find away to try and ask her out and pursue something. It turns out that Lisa now lives in the same town as my son's best friend, and that the best friend knows Lisa because his best friends is involved in certain gym / workout classes that Lisa is one of the trainers for. However, his best friend and Lisa are not really close outside of that.
His best friend actually is closer with one of Lisa's best friends, so to help my son, he texted Lisa's best friend and mentioned to him that he has a friend that knows about Lisa back from college and that he likes Lisa and is interested in getting to know her better. Without him even mentioning my son's name or who he is at all, her best friend said that "Lisa is very content being single and probably would not like to be set up on a date, so she recommended that he does not bring it up to Lisa, especially since he and Lisa are not close friends outside of the classes. Lisa's best friend promised that she would not tell Lisa about any of this and keep it a secret.
My son was definitely disappointed, and felt a little bummed, but he knows it couldn't have been straight rejection because it didn't directly come from Lisa, and his best friend didn't even mention my son's name at all when he was talking with Lisa's best friend. From what I understand is that Lisa is just not ready for a relationship yet.
Anyways, my question is, do you think there is any way my son might be able to try again in the future? What is really the best way he can go about it? Back during my time, we didn't have social media, etc, so we really never dated in the same way. I am not sure how weird it is in this generation to have feelings for someone that you don't even really know and that lives a distance from you. I don't think it is common, but I have definitely seen crazy things happen before, and my son even has a few stories that he has heard from other friends. Should he maybe try and go through a mutual friend?
He does know Lisa's account on social media but they are not connected, and I told him not to try and connect with Lisa on social media because she doesn't really know who he is, and it could feel creepy. I suppose he could try sending a private message, but I still think it is creepy if you don't know the person. Do you have any advice on how my son can ask this girl out in the least creepy way possible? He really wants to go for Lisa and sees a lot of potential, but he also wants to watch it and not do anything that could potentially push Lisa away. My son and Lisa have a lot of mutual friends, and I just wonder if he can maybe try and set a group activity up with Lisa and others so he can get to know her better? It's hard as well because he doesn't have that many mutual friends in the same area that Lisa lives in, and distance is an obstacle.
What do you all think? Should my son see what he can do, or should he maybe just suck it up and drop it? I honestly support him in this, and they always say, try your best, and if you get rejected, at least you tried.
All this “my friend asked her friend” business sounds like junior high to me. And Daddy sticking his nose in grown, college graduate son’s potential love life is just bizarre.
I think he should go visit his friend and go to the gym with him a few times so that he can meet Lisa in an organic manner.
One other thing ... just because the friend said that he didn't mention your son's name doesn't mean it isn't so. He could be trying to spare your son's feelings.
The girlfriend may just be guessing that Lisa isn't interested in meeting anyone right now. Lisa may not want to share what she's looking for and just be saying she's not interested to keep people from bugging her. The girlfriend may know that Lisa doesn't like blind dates, for instance, but as far as whether or not Lisa would be happy to find a relationship in other ways, it could be the girlfriend really doesn't know. Or, she could be projecting her own feelings on set ups. Only Lisa knows what she really wants. Lisa is older than yours son by five years. Not being ready to date sounds strange. Another way of letting someone down easy.
Your son's fixation on Lisa may also be a way of avoiding being social with other girls. It might be his way of dealing with dating anxiety. He can tell himself he isn't dating because Lisa isn't available to him.
You are his parent and you want him to be happy. But he's an adult and needs to find his own way in finding a partner. It's also possible that because you are his parent you can't see things that would put off putting to girls. Shy is one thing, extreme social awkwardness another.
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" - Wayne Gretzky. FWIW, he ended up marrying a fashion model.
I think every guy had a Lisa or 2 in their past. Truth be told, often times when you land a date with her, it doesn't align with the fantasy you created in your head. They can end up being moody, whine alot, chew with their mouth open or a whole host of other annoying traits that you missed while viewing them from afar.
In my personal experience, there were 2 times in my life where friends tried to set me up with someone, or that "someone" tried to get a friend to approach me, tell me about him, etc. In both instances, I didn't really like it.
In the first instance, it felt weird to me, that people were talking about me, outside of my presence. Maybe it happens a lot, but the fact that one of your friends approaches you and says "I know someone who wants to meet you"...well that means they've been talking about you...and it skeeved me a little.
In the second instance, one of my best friends knew a guy that I USED to know a few years before, who was married when I knew him, but in the subsequent years, had divorced. I was significantly younger than him. My friend and this guy were teachers in the same school. He had done a favor for her, and the 'payment' he wanted was for her to set him up with me. She nagged me to death about this, so I finally agreed to go on ONE date with this guy to get them both off my back.
It was a weird and awkward as anyone can imagine. My friend had basically pimped me out.
IMO, there's no harm in your son approaching Lisa through social media. They're both in their early 20's right? The early 20's are all about networking. How weird would it be for your son to send a friend request with a note saying something like "Hi Lisa! I remember you from College! You were the leader in a couple of groups I was in. I'd love to catch up via Facebook!" What's the harm?
All this “my friend asked her friend” business sounds like junior high to me. And Daddy sticking his nose in grown, college graduate son’s potential love life is just bizarre.
My Son asked for all this help. Nobody stuck their nose into it. He has been consulting with me and his friends and trying to find the best advice. We are all helping him. His best friend asked Lisa's best friend because my son asked him to.
Tell your son to put his crush aside and date other women, if he can’t bring himself to contact Lisa on his own. No point in dragging it out.
He would contact Lisa on his own in a heartbeat. He just doesn't want to be creepy. I don't know about this generation, but from my experience, it can be creepy to ask a girl out that you barely know. Sometimes the way you go about things give girls first impressions and could influence decisions. Usually if you know the person better, you're more sympathetic and flexible to mistakes, but if you barely know the person, your natural tolerance is not as high.
I think he should go visit his friend and go to the gym with him a few times so that he can meet Lisa in an organic manner.
One other thing ... just because the friend said that he didn't mention your son's name doesn't mean it isn't so. He could be trying to spare your son's feelings.
The girlfriend may just be guessing that Lisa isn't interested in meeting anyone right now. Lisa may not want to share what she's looking for and just be saying she's not interested to keep people from bugging her. The girlfriend may know that Lisa doesn't like blind dates, for instance, but as far as whether or not Lisa would be happy to find a relationship in other ways, it could be the girlfriend really doesn't know. Or, she could be projecting her own feelings on set ups. Only Lisa knows what she really wants. Lisa is older than yours son by five years. Not being ready to date sounds strange. Another way of letting someone down easy.
Your son's fixation on Lisa may also be a way of avoiding being social with other girls. It might be his way of dealing with dating anxiety. He can tell himself he isn't dating because Lisa isn't available to him.
You are his parent and you want him to be happy. But he's an adult and needs to find his own way in finding a partner. It's also possible that because you are his parent you can't see things that would put off putting to girls. Shy is one thing, extreme social awkwardness another.
My son and I were wondering some of these suggestions ourselves honestly. I am just helping him as his parent and he as even shared all this with us and asked for our advice. He has never dated before, and is trying to learn from us and some of his friends on how to go about dating relationships. While he was younger, we have moved around a lot in different countries, and he hasn't really grown up most of his years in the country, and he is not really familiar with all the cultural / social norms. We have moved around the world so much, and he has dealt with so much culture shock and really has no proper idea of how dating works.
My son's best friend definitely did not mention his name. They are very close, and are always honest with each other. I don't think his best guy friend would say that to him to spare his feelings. A girl possibly, but not his best guy friend.
I am wondering the things you say about Lisa's best friend though. I personally agree with you that not being ready to date does sound a little strange. I do believe that she was truthful about Lisa not liking blind dates, but doesn't necessarily mean it cannot happen another way. I do agree with you that girls are often protective of their close friends as well because they don't want guys bugging them.
I really do like your idea of him going to the gym with his friend a few times to try and meet Lisa in an organic manner. He has socialized with many girls actually but just never found one that he feels attracted to besides Lisa so far.
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" - Wayne Gretzky. FWIW, he ended up marrying a fashion model.
I think every guy had a Lisa or 2 in their past. Truth be told, often times when you land a date with her, it doesn't align with the fantasy you created in your head. They can end up being moody, whine alot, chew with their mouth open or a whole host of other annoying traits that you missed while viewing them from afar.
Best of luck to this budding Romeo.
Spot on 100%. You never know what someone is like until you spend time with them. How do all the breakups occur? I always think you need to find some way to try your luck.
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