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My Oldest Son is in his early 20s and graduated from college last year. During his time in college, there is a girl that he has seen from a distance a few times. This mostly occurred in a few sessions he attended that she was the leader of. They have never talked personally before. We will call this girl "Lisa". Ever since he has first seen Lisa and heard her speak, he has developed an extremely huge crush on her and would really like to pursue this and see if they can go about a relationship together. Lisa is 5 years older than my son, but the way he thinks is mature for his age, and therefore he often likes the older girls because he says that the girls his age or younger just don't have as much of a mature perspective on life in general.
Your son is pining over a girl he doesn't know. He attended a few sessions she led and they have never had an actual conversation?!?! He thinks she is mature, but he certainly is not if he runs away from her fearing actually talking to her. The advice is to let her go and focus on someone he can actually talk to.
DannyK, you mentioned living around the world so I'm not sure where you are now.
But if this scenario is taking place in the US no formal introduction ceremony is necessary for your son to approach Lisa. Son should look at some "Dating in the US" vids to get some cultural grounding in US customs.
People who were at university together aren't strangers, especially if they were in the same classes. Assuming she's also a graduate, they're now part of the alumni family and will be for the rest of their lives.
I can see why he didn't approach her at school if she was in a leadership position in his classes, might not appropriate then.
But it sounds like they're in the same social circle now if the have lots of the same friends.
Maybe your son and his friend could have a party at his friend's house and invite Lisa and her friend as well as mutual friends. That could be a no pressure group activity where your son would have the opportunity to talk to Lisa.
DannyK, you mentioned living around the world so I'm not sure where you are now.
But if this scenario is taking place in the US no formal introduction ceremony is necessary for your son to approach Lisa. Son should look at some "Dating in the US" vids to get some cultural grounding in US customs.
People who were at university together aren't strangers, especially if they were in the same classes. Assuming she's also a graduate, they're now part of the alumni family and will be for the rest of their lives.
I can see why he didn't approach her at school if she was in a leadership position in his classes, might not appropriate then.
But it sounds like they're in the same social circle now if the have lots of the same friends.
Maybe your son and his friend could have a party at his friend's house and invite Lisa and her friend. That could be a no pressure group activity where your son would have the opportunity to talk to Lisa.
That I feel is the most ideal scenario. She definitely was in a leadership position, but wasn't directly over him. Not classes but she was one of the resident directors at college. He didn't live in the dorm she was over but still higher social status. I think he did fear how appropriate it would've been. He basically knew her because he was applying to be an RA (which he didn't get in the end) and she was leading a few sessions about it.
Yes, we are all in the USA now!
They do have some good mutual friends, but the problem is that the mutual friends that are close with both him and Lisa all live in separate towns now.
The main reason he didn't talk to her in person before was because he wasn't sure about dating yet, and wasn't ready to get to know a girl for that reason yet. He was a little behind and wasn't ready for a relationship. He has a lot more confidence now than he did back then.
However, what you just mentioned is what makes this situation a lot more complicated. Wanting to get to know a girl that lives long distance from him that he has not even met personally. It's understandable to me but just out of the ordinary and a little strange. Some people might find it very weird.
He wants to talk to her in person. He would text her in a heart beat but just wants to go about this in as little creepy of a way as possible. Would you find it creepy if a guy you didn't really know but just knew about that you've seen at a certain gathering, randomly texted you out of nowhere expressing desire to get to know you better? A guy that lived 2 hrs away from you. How would you respond to that?
He didn’t talk to her at all. About anything. Ever. You can talk to a member of the opposite sex for purposes other than dating but he couldn’t even muster that.
Why, as his parent, are you encouraging him to pursue this? He knows nothing about her other than his fantasies of what she must be like.
From this awkward friend of his talking to a friend of hers, she’s not looking to date. Maybe that’s the truth, maybe it’s a lie. Maybe she’s a lesbian. Maybe she knows some oddball from the past is digging around for info. None of it matters because she is a stranger he knows nothing about, and she’s not open to him finding out.
That I feel is the most ideal scenario. She definitely was in a leadership position, but wasn't directly over him. Not classes but she was one of the resident directors at college. He didn't live in the dorm she was over but still higher social status. I think he did fear how appropriate it would've been. He basically knew her because he was applying to be an RA (which he didn't get in the end) and she was leading a few sessions about it.
Yes, we are all in the USA now!
They do have some good mutual friends, but the problem is that the mutual friends that are close with both him and Lisa all live in separate towns now.
Dad, stop looking for problems, there will always be reasons to NOT do something.
Talking to a woman is an everyday occurrence. It really shouldn't be looked at as the scariest thing in the world. It's perfectly normal.
Your son should take a deep breath and just go have some fun with his friends, whether it works out with Lisa or not.
I think he should go visit his friend and go to the gym with him a few times so that he can meet Lisa in an organic manner.
This. The thing is, if your son occasionally attends gym sessions with Lisa, with the idea of striking up a conversation with her to get to know her better, it means he's going to have to get over his shyness with her. He's going to have to actually *speak* to her. I have a feeling that's going to be an obstacle for him. I think he needs to work on his social skills first.
Secondly, he doesn't even know her. He's projecting some ideal in his head onto her. That does not bode well for any sort of relationship. He needs to get out of his head, and into reality. She may be a completely different person from what he imagines. This is not the mature way to go about finding a potential partner: conjuring up an image and falling in "crush" with the image.
There are plenty of mature women his age. But the catch is, that being mature, they'd be unlikely to be interested in someone who runs away from women he's interested in, and can't bring himself to say "hello".
IMO it’s an issue that he has a massive crush in someone he’s never even interacted with in person. They’ve never even spoken but has gone to lengths to track her down in a city 2 hours away and have others talk to her or her friends on his behalf and somehow he thinks they can go about a relationship together?
That’s where the creep factor comes in, imo. He couldn’t talk to her in person, but has created a fantasy where she’s just supposed to agree to slot herself into his life and everything will be magical?
A guy who couldn’t even talk to me and I barely know or remember is not my idea of a desirable dating candidate. He needs to move on from this unhealthy crush/obsession with a stranger.
THIS^^
OP, I don't know if you are really the son and just pretending to post as "dad" but whether the advice is for you or your kid, read this post twice.
What you need is not advice for how you/your son can get a date with Lisa. That's not happening. Lisa has already said no. Did you even listen when she clearly told friend of a friend that she wasn't dating? That she had zero interest in dating. It's super creepy that you took that CLEAR NO as encouragement to try harder. And to try harder with a girl you've never even talked to or interacted with who has already said no.
When women say no, they mean no.
Lisa has told your friend's friend that she's not looking to date. There's your answer. Move on.
There are plenty of girls out there. You should join groups and activities that you enjoy doing and meet girls naturally. Form friendships that way and ask one of those girls out. Look for meetup groups, community groups, volunteering opportunities, a religious organization you belong to. There are lots of places to meet people and the best person to ask out is someone you have already talked to and interacted with.
This. The thing is, if your son occasionally attends gym sessions with Lisa, with the idea of striking up a conversation with her to get to know her better, it means he's going to have to get over his shyness with her. He's going to have to actually *speak* to her. I have a feeling that's going to be an obstacle for him. I think he needs to work on his social skills first.
At some point, he'd have to explain why he is going to a gym two hours away from his house.
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