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DannyK if your son is a "shy guy" tell him to get over himself immediately.
Being shy is for children not adults. It's also overly self-focused and not mature.
He should mentally train his perspective so he doesn't focus on what others think of him and start thinking of what he thinks of others. Take note of other people, be interested in them rather than in himself.
I was naturally shy too. As an adult I learned how to deal with it, your son should do the same. There are lots of shy people out there. The happier ones don't use it as an excuse not to live life fully.
He didn’t talk to her at all. About anything. Ever. You can talk to a member of the opposite sex for purposes other than dating but he couldn’t even muster that.
Why, as his parent, are you encouraging him to pursue this? He knows nothing about her other than his fantasies of what she must be like.
From this awkward friend of his talking to a friend of hers, she’s not looking to date. Maybe that’s the truth, maybe it’s a lie. Maybe she’s a lesbian. Maybe she knows some oddball from the past is digging around for info. None of it matters because she is a stranger he knows nothing about, and she’s not open to him finding out.
^^ THIS AGAIN^^
OP, I'm willing to bet that one of the major reasons why he has a crush on her is because of her looks. Maybe her mannerisms, and the idea that she 'seems' 'smart'.
But he's had like ZERO interaction with her. So, I suspect is that a lot of his "crush" feelings are based on a fantasy that's in his own head.
Maybe try to get to know her a bit before he decides to date her....
The main reason he didn't talk to her in person before was because he wasn't sure about dating yet, and wasn't ready to get to know a girl for that reason yet. He was a little behind and wasn't ready for a relationship. He has a lot more confidence now than he did back then.
However, what you just mentioned is what makes this situation a lot more complicated. Wanting to get to know a girl that lives long distance from him that he has not even met personally. It's understandable to me but just out of the ordinary and a little strange. Some people might find it very weird.
He wants to talk to her in person. He would text her in a heart beat but just wants to go about this in as little creepy of a way as possible. Would you find it creepy if a guy you didn't really know but just knew about that you've seen at a certain gathering, randomly texted you out of nowhere expressing desire to get to know you better? A guy that lived 2 hrs away from you. How would you respond to that?
You apparently haven't been reading all the threads people have on City Data about their long distance relationships. People do it. Not very successfully if the threads on CD are any indicator.
Then there are the threads where people consider themselves in a relationship with people they have never met in real life. They "meet" online, text a lot, then when one moves on to a real relationship they are devastated. Totally koo koo.
I don't see anyway this will end with your son dating Lisa. He left it too late. He should have talked to her in school instead of having all of these reasons for not doing so. A five year difference in your 20s doesn't help. She's probably going to want someone more mature and currently his crush has him acting like it's high school.
Maybe he should take a toastmasters class. Public speaking can do wonders for self confidence.
Junior has basically been stalking Lisa and everyone in his little world is part of it. Creepy!
How has he been stalking her? He won't even go in her social media.
His friend asked him if he liked anyone, he told his friend he liked Lisa, friend said she goes to the gym friend goes to and offered to find out from a friend of Lisa's what her current status is.
Friend reported back that Lisa isn't looking for a relationship.
Since then son has done nothing but talk about what he should do with his father and close friends, hasn't contacted Lisa or discovered anything more about her or even visited his friend in the town friend and Lisa live in.
Hardly stalking
There's nothing wrong with secret crushes, lots of people have them, especially shy young adults. Most people never act on them and I doubt son will.
I am not super worried about my son being shy. He is now very confident and ready to talk to her whenever the opportunity comes. I am not worried about that, and I believe my son will really do good at that. He was scared at first, but mainly because Lisa was in a leadership position, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to act on his crush or not. Now he really wants to pursue it and be confident, and hope she'll be interested. Now whether she will be interested or not is a completely different story.
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" - Wayne Gretzky. FWIW, he ended up marrying a fashion model.
I think every guy had a Lisa or 2 in their past. Truth be told, often times when you land a date with her, it doesn't align with the fantasy you created in your head. They can end up being moody, whine alot, chew with their mouth open or a whole host of other annoying traits that you missed while viewing them from afar.
Best of luck to this budding Romeo.
This can be the problem. He has a "huge crush" on this woman, but also basically only knows her by sight...
OP, he's just going to have to probably accept that he missed on this one. If he can't even talk to her to ask her out but has to have a friend ask her friend about her... doesn't bode well for any potential relationship.
If he barely knows her and hasn't even really ever talked to her, then it shouldn't be that hard to move on. And then resolve to be more proactive next time there's a woman he likes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Danny K
I am wondering the things you say about Lisa's best friend though. I personally agree with you that not being ready to date does sound a little strange. I do believe that she was truthful about Lisa not liking blind dates, but doesn't necessarily mean it cannot happen another way. I do agree with you that girls are often protective of their close friends as well because they don't want guys bugging them.
It could mean anything. Maybe she's really not wanting to date, and there could be many reasons for that. Maybe she already has her eye on someone else. Maybe she's not into guys. Maybe the friend thought it was your son's friend who was interested and knows Lisa isn't interested in that guy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Danny K
I highly doubt that the Lisa has the same interest in return. She very likely doesn't if she doesn't even know him. However, feelings can always develop if you try and get to know someone better. Understand?
Honestly, what's making this more difficult is the circumstances rather than the situation itself. He doesn't really know her. He doesn't live close to her and they aren't in the same circles. That is what is making this very difficult. He does go to her town from time to time because he has friends there and other errands he runs from time to time, but it makes it more difficult. She might think, why does he want to get to know a girl that lives 2 hrs away from him?
Well, why does he? Where does he see this long-distance thing going? He isn't involved in any activities closer to home that would allow him to meet different women?
Again, I think this ship has sailed. They are both done with the phase of their life that had them in the same place and both have moved on to a new phase of life, new places, and new things.
Quote:
Originally Posted by RubyandPearl
I was naturally shy too. As an adult I learned how to deal with it, your son should do the same. There are lots of shy people out there. The happier ones don't use it as an excuse not to live life fully.
And as a variation of this... shy people have to learn to recognize that they can choose to be shy, or they can choose to have relationships, and one must be sacrificed to have the other. If someone wants to continue to be shy, they must accept that they will not have the social opportunities they would have otherwise. It's fine if they decide that is what they want, but they must understand the consequences to make an informed decision.
OP, I'm willing to bet that one of the major reasons why he has a crush on her is because of her looks. Maybe her mannerisms, and the idea that she 'seems' 'smart'.
But he's had like ZERO interaction with her. So, I suspect is that a lot of his "crush" feelings are based on a fantasy that's in his own head.
Maybe try to get to know her a bit before he decides to date her....
My son has admitted that her looks are definitely a big part of it. He is physically attracted. While looks are not everything, I believe they are important, but he should get to know her first before wanting to really date her. I agree that he needs to spend some time with her first and he won't go straight into a dating relationship. He'll take it very slow.
You apparently haven't been reading all the threads people have on City Data about their long distance relationships. People do it. Not very successfully if the threads on CD are any indicator.
Then there are the threads where people consider themselves in a relationship with people they have never met in real life. They "meet" online, text a lot, then when one moves on to a real relationship they are devastated. Totally koo koo.
I don't see anyway this will end with your son dating Lisa. He left it too late. He should have talked to her in school instead of having all of these reasons for not doing so. A five year difference in your 20s doesn't help. She's probably going to want someone more mature and currently his crush has him acting like it's high school.
Maybe he should take a toastmasters class. Public speaking can do wonders for self confidence.
Well, I do have to say that you are NOT in a relationship with someone until both of you have confirmed it and have agreed to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. Prior to that moment, it is just casual dates, getting to know each other, and it is not a serious relationship. Therefore, I don't see how they can consider themself in a real relationship with someone unless they have both agreed to it. I would never agree to be in an actual dating relationship with someone before I know them. Yes, I might want to casually date and get to know them, but as for boyfriend/girlfriend, that comes later.
My son is more confident now and I am not worried about that. If he meets her, he will talk to her with confidence, I am sure of that.
To be honest, I really do not understand all the troubles about long distance relationships. What difference does it make? If you both like each other, try to see as much as you can and you can do FaceTime dates, etc. Maybe even consider moving closer. I just do not get why distance is such a barrier and turn off to some people like that.
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