Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
This means, dad, that you need to help him here. Lisa has said no. She has not left the door open. She has said she isn't open to dating. So because your son is hard-headed and has a lot of trouble reading social cues, perhaps even extremely obvious ones like not interested means not interested, you need to help him by saying, "Son, Lisa said no. That means you are going to have to move on."
Instead, you are doing the opposite by feeding into his poor reading of social cues and trying to find ways to keep him obsessed with Lisa, a woman who is not only older than him, but also lives three hours away. Women mature faster than guys anyway, so I have a really hard time understanding how a woman five years older than him is a good match for a guy who is extremely immature for his age by the sound of it.
He had to have his friend approach her friend from three hours away. And got a no. So Lisa is out.
Lisa did not tell him no, Lisa didn't talk to him at all. Her best friend and son's best friend spoke. Lisa's best friend didn't even speak to Lisa. She said she didn't think Lisa was interested in a relationship and didn't like being set up on dates. She told that to son's friend w/o actually asking Lisa.
Being interested in focusing on getting to know a certain person better isn't "obsession." It's being interested in one particular person at a time.
The distance away is two hours, not three hours. Read the original post.
It sounds like son has an active social life and plenty of friends. He might even end up moving to where his best friend lives, which is two hours away not three.
Thank You! Yes, we are all extremely religious and very conservative Christians. Not new age Christians, conservative Christians as in Billy Graham or Lisa Bevere type.
These are our values and none of my kids would date anyone that does not abide by these values:
1. Lying is a sin. Period. No lying to let someone down easily. You need to be truthful.
2. Sex is strictly for marriage. NO SEX outside marriage under any circumstance.
3. We are strong believers in Jesus Christ and he is the only way to salvation.
4. Sleeping with the opposite sex is absolutely NOT ALLOWED outside of marriage.
5. Honesty and Trust is extremely important.
Kinda weird that, of the top 5 tenets of your faith, two are exactly the same.
Hi Lisa, this is Billie Bob. We might have met briefly (or i have heard a lot about you) through our mutual friend so and so.
I am going to be in your neighborhood this coming Thursday and would like to join you for a cup of coffee at 4 pm at the Starbucks on main street.
Would you like to join me?
Drama over.
AMEN AMEN AMEN TO ALL THE ABOVE.
Oy vey OP, have your son call this young woman and get it over with!!! You said you liked the idea! You and your son are dragging this out on purpose. And you're coddling him. Don't come back at me with reasons (Excuses) why you're not coddling him. Think about it. And think about the other points people here have told you.
If you and he aren't willing to do this, you need to focus on helping your son develop social skills so that he feels comfortable being around young women and asking them out.
I saw something recently that said something to the effect of: shyness is ego. It's self-focused, not outer focused. Focus outward and gain confidence." Makes a lot of sense to me. Sitting around daydreaming is a waste of time because it avoids dealing with important issues that need to be addressed.
- Job hunting
- Lives w/parents
- 2 hours away
- No dating or relationship experience
In my experience, "conservative Christian" women dating in their upper 20s are typically looking to get married and have a family. There are lots of pretty women in the world... I don't think this one is a match.
- Job hunting
- Lives w/parents
- 2 hours away
- No dating or relationship experience
In my experience, "conservative Christian" women dating in their upper 20s are typically looking to get married and have a family. There are lots of pretty women in the world... I don't think this one is a match.
This post caused me to start thinking about a Christian young woman in her mid-going-into-late 20's who was in a leadership role at college. OP doesn't know what is going on with this young woman. She could be rebelling. She could be thinking about a career path. She could be putting off marriage, to the chagrin of her conservative parents. Young women in a leadership role away from home start developing in ways that might challenge their upbringing and their parents' wishes. It happens all the time.
I also think that the young woman in question put her head together with her best friend and they figured out who the OP's son is. This is just common sense. Kids do this all the time. Heck, all people do this at some point in their lives. Just because someone is a super committed Christian doesn't mean that they don't tell little white lies. I'm not questioning their character. I'm stating that it is human nature.
People are free to lives their lives and practice their religion as they see fit, but to ignore warning signs and keep a child co-dependent is not healthy. IMO that is what you, OP, are doing. Almost all kids develop crushes and obsessions, but they usually get over them going into adulthood.
Obsessions are a primary way of avoiding getting help for issues. Obsessions are unhealthy and stem from stress and unresolved issues. I know this because I did it myself. In my 40's I had a terrible, terrible time with various things going on in my life. That's when I developed an unhealthy obsession with someone. I realized that it was unhealthy. I sought help for it, and I got over it. Looking back, part of me feels silly and part of me accepts the fact that it was something I had to go through as part of my healing from terrible events in my life.
Even as a very conservative Christian you have an obligation as his parent to help your son achieve self-confidence. It seems to me that you are keeping him tied in and that is not healthy for him. You think you are doing the right thing, but it would help to expand your thinking and do some research. There are Christian counselors out there if that is an issue for you. I hope you realize this sooner than later.
IMO it’s an issue that he has a massive crush in someone he’s never even interacted with in person. They’ve never even spoken but has gone to lengths to track her down in a city 2 hours away and have others talk to her or her friends on his behalf and somehow he thinks they can go about a relationship together?
That’s where the creep factor comes in, imo. He couldn’t talk to her in person, but has created a fantasy where she’s just supposed to agree to slot herself into his life and everything will be magical?
A guy who couldn’t even talk to me and I barely know or remember is not my idea of a desirable dating candidate. He needs to move on from this unhealthy crush/obsession with a stranger.
This. For a woman this situation is red flag central. So your son can either contact her while concealing all this, which is dishonest and creepy and not a good basis for a relationship, or he can be open about it and almost certainly get shot down. Either way sucks. Time to let the fantasy if
of Lisa go and meet someone new.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Danny K
The main reason he didn't talk to her in person before was because he wasn't sure about dating yet, and wasn't ready to get to know a girl for that reason yet.
As a woman, if someone isn't interested in talking to me - even just to say hi - unless it's to get in my pants, that's an automatic no from me. How are you going to claim to like someone then avoid them entirely?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth
Secondly, he doesn't even know her. He's projecting some ideal in his head onto her. That does not bode well for any sort of relationship. He needs to get out of his head, and into reality. She may be a completely different person from what he imagines. This is not the mature way to go about finding a potential partner: conjuring up an image and falling in "crush" with the image.
This post caused me to start thinking about a Christian young woman in her mid-going-into-late 20's who was in a leadership role at college. OP doesn't know what is going on with this young woman. She could be rebelling. She could be thinking about a career path. She could be putting off marriage, to the chagrin of her conservative parents. Young women in a leadership role away from home start developing in ways that might challenge their upbringing and their parents' wishes. It happens all the time.
I also think that the young woman in question put her head together with her best friend and they figured out who the OP's son is. This is just common sense. Kids do this all the time. Heck, all people do this at some point in their lives. Just because someone is a super committed Christian doesn't mean that they don't tell little white lies. I'm not questioning their character. I'm stating that it is human nature.
Obsessions are a primary way of avoiding getting help for issues. Obsessions are unhealthy and stem from stress and unresolved issues. I know this because I did it myself. In my 40's I had a terrible, terrible time with various things going on in my life. That's when I developed an unhealthy obsession with someone. I realized that it was unhealthy.
There is no evidence for the first part of this statement, it's pure speculation. It could be right, it could be wrong. And as such isn't really helpful to the discussion and is also unnecessarily discouraging.
The second half of the post where the poster extrapolates personal experience to the situation of a person unknown to them is an excellent example of Transference, ie. Because I feel a certain way Person X must feel the same way.
I see no evidence that son is "obsessed" in any way. He is interested and wants to get to know a woman he met in college but didn't feel ready at the time to take it further.
Now he's graduated, he's more mature, more confident and wants to get to know this woman. Whether it works out or not is immaterial at this point. That doesn't mean he can't attempt it. What is the point of giving up before he tries? That's not a formula for a successful life.
Nothing attempted, nothing gained.
There is no evidence for the first part of this statement, it's pure speculation. It could be right, it could be wrong. And as such isn't really helpful to the discussion and is also unnecessarily discouraging.
The second half of the post where the poster extrapolates personal experience to the situation of a person unknown to them is an excellent example of Transference, ie. Because I feel a certain way Person X must feel the same way.
I see no evidence that son is "obsessed" in any way. He is interested and wants to get to know a woman he met in college but didn't feel ready at the time to take it further.
Now he's graduated, he's more mature, more confident and wants to get to know this woman. Whether it works out or not is immaterial at this point. That doesn't mean he can't attempt it. What is the point of giving up before he tries? That's not a formula for a successful life.
Nothing attempted, nothing gained.
His own father is telling him to sit on his hands and not do anything for another year. He hasn't ever spoken to her, and his father is recommending he continue not to speak to her. Then in a year the stars will align and the angels will sing from the heavens? No.
It's terrible parenting advice to encourage your child to feed into a fantasy, a fixation, an obsession, a delusion, whatever you want to call it, and idle away his young years waiting on something to magically happen with a perfect stranger who has no obligation to him whatsoever.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
