Do women get over divorce easier...? (cheated, husbands, child support, college)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
There might be some truth to this. If so, I suspect 2 reasons:
1) Women initiate divorce proceedings about 75% of the time. Given this fact, it is understandable why women might seem to cope well with divorce more often then men.
2) Women often have stronger social networks than men do. After a divorce, many women have a large number of close, sympathetic female friends to fall back on for emotional support. This is less often true for men.
Just because the woman files doesn't mean it was her 'fault' the marriage ended. It simply means she is more organized and willing to do the 'dirty work'. When my friend was cheated on by her husband while pregnant with their third child she was the one who did all the paperwork and filed. It was obviously NOT her fault for the divorce, but he was too busy banging a 19 year old to care.
I know for a fact that if my parents got divorced, my Mother would be the one to file the paperwork regardless of how the marriage dissolved. She's FAR more organized than my Father.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ted Bear
i have to say that i was very naiive about women and divorce.
Women spend a LOT Of time ensuring that they get what they want, and making sure that the man is put in a position to pay for it. Whether it be jewelry, or kids, women are many times (much more than i ever dreamed possible) scheming for a LONG time on how to 'pull this off' and make him pay.
I don't think men, in general, deal in that realm.
My ex little by little ensured that she had assets which were easily safeguarded, and possibly turned into cash--both of which disappeared during the divorce. She opened a couple of bank accounts of her own (she was employed off and on, so it didn't seem extraordinary to me (duh!), and little by little she prepared for the moment when she sprung the trap. I sat there in mediation suggesting we give it a trial seperation. She had already filed, swiped everything from the family safe, raided the (joint) bank accounts and run up the credit cards.
She was clearly thinking about this for a long time, had planned (well, i must admit) to pull it off, and ran with the kids (and the dog (ha!), at the same time she filed domestic abuse charges.
The funny thing is, to this this day, some ten years later, the idea that what was hers is hers, and what is ours, is also hers, pervades her every move. She was SO ready to move on, and i think got over the divorce pretty quickly, but has never gotten over the evil ideas that many women harbor that men are there to be used until death.
So, did she get over it easier? Yes, and no. But she sure still is miserable and angry. No denying that.
I don't know a single woman who has 'schemed her entire life' to trap a man.
Not one. In fact, a lot of the women I know make MORE money and have MORE assets than their husbands.
There might be some truth to this. If so, I suspect 2 reasons:
1) Women initiate divorce proceedings about 75% of the time. Given this fact, it is understandable why women might seem to cope well with divorce more often then men.
Flog a dead horse much? Filing is paperwork, nothing more, and someone's gotta do it. The reason women file is because men procrastinate. Not always, but that's usually it. Other times, the man leaves thinking he can see if there is "something better" out there and that he can come back if there isn't, but by then the woman is over it.
And not for nothing, but I've seen my friends' marriages unravel. Over and over, I hear, "I have tried everything I know to get through to him." They talk. They fight. They bargain. They back off. They take control. They give up control. They talk again. They withdraw. They hover. They talk again. They cry. They beg to be heard. They plead for change. They make threats. They scream. They talk, and talk, and talk. It goes on for a year, maybe two, and then one day, they had enough.
Sorry to generalize, but denial and the tendency to take a spouse for granted runs strong in men, and enabling runs strong in women. So in the end, you have women forgiving and compromising, to the point where the men don't think the women are serious. "Oh, she'll get over it." They think their wives won't leave them.
My view on the subject is that a man is more likely to endure an unfulfilling marriage, while a woman is more likely to end a marriage from which she no longer derives emotional actualization. There are doubtless many cases where the man is cheating or otherwise obviously failing as a husband, whence the wife is simply yielding to the inevitable in filing for divorce.
But it seems to me that there is broad trend where neither party is overtly at fault, but one of them (the wife) simply feels that the marriage is no longer justified; the "chemistry" is gone. If a man feels that way, he'll glibly disregard this, staying married out of inertia or convenience. He likes the security of being married, and doesn't place high importance on thriving good chemistry. For the wife, however, this untenable; it reeks of a sham marriage. So she files for divorce.
Now to respond to Lilac110's point: why is it that the wife needs to "get through" to her husband? What is it that irks her, that she couldn't achieve on her own, with or without her husband's participation? Why is the reverse scenario so rare, where the husband implores his wife over something, trying various means of getting through, before failing and giving up? In other words, why do we have the asymmetry of the woman-asking and husband-ignoring, instead of vice versa?
Now to respond to Lilac110's point: why is it that the wife needs to "get through" to her husband?
That there are problems in the marriage that they need to work on together. That they are unhappy with the way their husbands are treating them. That they are exhausted and worn out from working full time, coming home, cooking, and cleaning up, while their husbands sit on their arses playing games. That they don't spend enough time together. That they don't have enough sex. That they don't have fun anymore. That their marriage has become a rut of convenience. That they need a vacation. Lots of things. It depends on the marriage. Every marriage is different.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ohio_peasant
Why is the reverse scenario so rare, where the husband implores his wife over something, trying various means of getting through, before failing and giving up? In other words, why do we have the asymmetry of the woman-asking and husband-ignoring, instead of vice versa?
Do you really want me to go there? Again, it comes down to taking someone for granted, and men tend to do that once married more than women. I can't count the number of times I've heard of men behaving as though they thought that not only did they get a wife on their wedding day, they also got a cook and a maid. Suddenly, they forget how to do their own laundry or clean a bathroom, even though they've been doing it on their own for years. They think that now they have someone to "take care of" them. Well, who takes care of the wife? They think going to work and earning an income is the sum of their contributions to the marriage. They think that when the work day ends, they're done. Women, however, get to do the second shift. Heck, there are men who look at tending to their own kids as babysitting. Again, this stuff does not apply to all men, obviously. But quite a few.
And women notice. And we talk about it, because we tend to be big on communication.
What it really boils down to is that women grieve the death of the marriage while still in the marriage. Men grieve after the ink is dry on the divorce decree.
Not always, but since women tend to file more than men, it's usually understood that by that point, the women have had time to emotionally exit the relationship beforehand while the men are often left scratching their heads having not seen that coming for whatever reason.
Well I'm definitely in the "rare part" of the equation. I being the now ex-husband after 16+yrs of marriage. For me, I had become resentful as my now ex-wife over the yrs just shut down...emotionally, physically etc. I addressed it with her numerous times over the yrs to no avail and even sought counseling. I just figured I wasn't the one for her and no longer provided that spark. Suggested we take a cooling off period and go from there and that's when the bottom dropped. Initially she agreed but less than 20 mins later she told me it was over and filed the next day. She took care of the entire process for us both. Now I admit I said it was over prior to all this but it was in the heat of battle and I for one had no intent on just walking out with out trying everything possible 1st and that I did. I gave it all I could and I'm mostly at peace with myself. She suffered from depression and only got worse and was unwilling to change meds or get off it for me. Same meds for 10yrs so I know that had to of played a part.
We worked well together, like a fine oil machine...but we were just room mates for the better part of the marriage and I knew this and worked at it trying to change it. I cooked, cleaned, you name it as did she. It was the emotional barrier she had that she just would not let down for me and over the yrs that's where my resentment came from. I did anything and everything for her w/ the occasional reluctance of some things. LOL But I did them anyway as she was my wife. We got along great and rarely fought about anything. I wanted to live and do things as a married couple and she was content on just being a homebody but prior to marriage it wasn't like that and only worsened over time. My outgoing personality and her introverted ways only worked for so long. I was flexible whereas she wasn't as much. I needed that emotional connection that she was just not going to give for whatever reason. Next thing I know she filed and it was over just like that. I didn't know the first thing to do in terms of filing, as it was never a thought to do to begin with, but when we did fight the nuclear option was always thrown and I'd be the voice of reason and say lets slow this down and talk this through before throwing the "D" card out there. This time I didn't fight it and she ran with it. 60 days after filing, it was over....just like that. Shock is the word but not surprised so some degree. She has since moved on and now is doing and moving like no other. LOL I didn't turn her motor and now someone else is...good for her and I sincerely mean that, she is a great woman. It took the divorce for her to be happy. I myself haven't gotten over it completely as I'm still working off the shock of it all being so sudden. I was more upset she didn't feel we were worth fighting for but looking back it now she did the right thing for us both. Only been divorced 3 mos now......
So there are some men out there on the opposite side of this debate, may be more than some realize.
Flog a dead horse much? Filing is paperwork, nothing more, and someone's gotta do it. The reason women file is because men procrastinate. Not always, but that's usually it. Other times, the man leaves thinking he can see if there is "something better" out there and that he can come back if there isn't, but by then the woman is over it.
And not for nothing, but I've seen my friends' marriages unravel. Over and over, I hear, "I have tried everything I know to get through to him." They talk. They fight. They bargain. They back off. They take control. They give up control. They talk again. They withdraw. They hover. They talk again. They cry. They beg to be heard. They plead for change. They make threats. They scream. They talk, and talk, and talk. It goes on for a year, maybe two, and then one day, they had enough.
Sorry to generalize, but denial and the tendency to take a spouse for granted runs strong in men, and enabling runs strong in women. So in the end, you have women forgiving and compromising, to the point where the men don't think the women are serious. "Oh, she'll get over it." They think their wives won't leave them.
Until they do.
Then it's a shock.
This post reminds me of this old song:
Put another log on the fire.
Cook me up some bacon and some beans.
And go out to the car and change the tyre.
Wash my socks and sew my old blue jeans.
Come on, baby, you can fill my pipe,
And then go fetch my slippers.
And boil me up another pot of tea.
Then put another log on the fire, babe,
And come and tell me why you're leaving me.
Now don't I let you wash the car on Sunday?
Don't I warn you when you're gettin fat?
Ain't I a-gonna take you fishin' with me someday?
Well, a man can't love a woman more than that.
Ain't I always nice to your kid sister?
Don't I take her driving every night?
So, sit here at my feet 'cos I like you when you're sweet,
And you know it ain't feminine to fight.
So, put another log on the fire.
Cook me up some bacon and some beans.
Go out to the car and lift it up and change the tyre.
Wash my socks and sew my old blue jeans.
Come on, baby, you can fill my pipe,
And then go fetch my slippers.
And boil me up another pot of tea.
Then put another log on the fire, babe,
And come and tell me why you're leaving me.
Flog a dead horse much? Filing is paperwork, nothing more, and someone's gotta do it. The reason women file is because men procrastinate. Not always, but that's usually it. Other times, the man leaves thinking he can see if there is "something better" out there and that he can come back if there isn't, but by then the woman is over it.
And not for nothing, but I've seen my friends' marriages unravel. Over and over, I hear, "I have tried everything I know to get through to him." They talk. They fight. They bargain. They back off. They take control. They give up control. They talk again. They withdraw. They hover. They talk again. They cry. They beg to be heard. They plead for change. They make threats. They scream. They talk, and talk, and talk. It goes on for a year, maybe two, and then one day, they had enough.
Sorry to generalize, but denial and the tendency to take a spouse for granted runs strong in men, and enabling runs strong in women. So in the end, you have women forgiving and compromising, to the point where the men don't think the women are serious. "Oh, she'll get over it." They think their wives won't leave them.
Until they do.
Then it's a shock.
For some reason, people are interpreting my statement as if I am blaming women for divorces. THAT WAS NOT MY POINT AT ALL. I agree 100% with everything you are saying. What part of what I said put the blame on women?
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
