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This all sounds a bit over the top to me to be honest. Especially the son taking his Mother out for a regular date night. That honestly just seems odd to me. The occassional dinner out, lovely. Weekly date nights with just the two of them...... seems weird to me. That should be something he does with his wife, not his Mother.
Have you ever heard of play dates for children? Well it would be the same for the mom and son....and I have no expectations of my son...I'm just reminding people it would be nice to do these things now and then...and yes, my one friend insisted that her husband take his mom out on a dinner date once a month...and I think that is something very special...be it done once a month or once a year...to make an effort to do that is to me, one of the most throughful things they could do for her...
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I don't need or want to speak to my MIL on a weekly or bi-weekly basis. I like her very much and enjoy spending time with her when we visit and occassionally chat, but my DH is her son, and they should be able to have a seperate relationship without me always trying to get hold of the phone or meeting up with her seperately on a regular basis.
I didn't say you should speak to your mother in law on a weekly or bi-weekly basis, I just suggested it would be a nice gesture on both the MIL and the DIL...but if it's not what you want, then I wasn't talking to you. I'm not saying everything I suggested is written in stone, or on a timeline...
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My DH took my Mom to a baseball game (without me) while she was visiting and she loved that. Once in a while things like that can be lovely, but I would find it a strain if it were constant and expected. It would make me want to be less involved, not more involved.
Well that's great, that would be the same as a date? Game date, dinner date, play date? Whatever, it was a great gesture on the part of both of you. And it should be like that...there is no reason, why a son cannot spend quality time with his mother from time to time...what every you as a couple decide would be nice.
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It does sound like you have very high expectations of your son and DIL. My parents love my DH and I think his parents are fond of me, but we would not live up to your expectations either I'm afraid.
I have no expectations...and I would like to know, what you think my expectations of my son are...really...
What I was doing in this post is suggesting to people, young and old, to get to know your extended families better...do special things for them, with them, just to say thank you or I love you...b/c life is short.
You don't have to live up to what you may think my expectations are, but seriously...please let me know...at this point, it is way to late for any kind of relationship with my son or DIL...so I was trying to share with people through knowing my loss, to be kinder to one another? Im' sorry if you misunderstood or if anyone else misunderstood...and again...you've got to do, what best works for you and your family.
Creme
Mu husband said something to her when his dad had surgery...she said she was going to keep him in the hospital instead of letting him come home for rehab so she could go to lunch with her friends...
Everyone is afraid of her so most people don't say anything...
then she is a bully, if everyone is afraid of her...and yanno what, listen to me giving you advice? Bullies do not respect people who allow them to walk all over them...maybe you should start talking up for your rights...all of you? What is the worst she can do? I dunno, maybe it's a bad idea on my part...you know what would best work for you.
then she is a bully, if everyone is afraid of her...and yanno what, listen to me giving you advice? Bullies do not respect people who allow them to walk all over them...maybe you should start talking up for your rights...all of you? What is the worst she can do? I dunno, maybe it's a bad idea on my part...you know what would best work for you.
That is what I have done and I do not know if it ticks her off but it makes me feel better She is a nasty one, that's for sure...
Some posts here remind me of a few friends of mine. More than one friend has mentioned to me that while growing up they had a nice grandma, and a "mean grandma". How sad! None of my friends were scarred for life by the mean grandma though, so as long as the parents are making sure that despite Mean Grandma taking away the doll, the kids are still loved at home, things should work out. The kids will just grow up like my friends and will someday tell the tales of how their mean Grandma wouldn't let them play with their cousin's doll, or never sent them anything for their birthdays but sent really nice stuff to their cousins.
I have no expectations...and I would like to know, what you think my expectations of my son are...really...
What I was doing in this post is suggesting to people, young and old, to get to know your extended families better...do special things for them, with them, just to say thank you or I love you...b/c life is short.
You don't have to live up to what you may think my expectations are, but seriously...please let me know...at this point, it is way to late for any kind of relationship with my son or DIL...so I was trying to share with people through knowing my loss, to be kinder to one another? Im' sorry if you misunderstood or if anyone else misunderstood...and again...you've got to do, what best works for you and your family.
Creme
I think it was the: "You should never call their home and not ask to speak with her" part that worried me - my DH talks to his Mom once a week or once every couple of weeks at least. I honestly enjoy the occassional chat, but to be handed the phone every time she called would be too much and overwhelming.
I don't mean to be critical of you - I can only imagine how difficult it must be to feel that you have lost your son, who you were close to before, but no longer.
Your post just sounded like you were hoping for some idealized relationship with your son and his wife including weekly chats with both of them, regular dinners out alone with your son, Mother's day cards from both of them, lunches and shopping days out with your DIL. I CAN understand why you would want all this, but I don't know ANYONE who has or wants this kind of relationship with an inlaw. Most of my friends get on well with their inlaws and enjoy spending time with them at holidays and for family gatherings. You say that you have friends who have the above relationships with their DILs and that's lovely.... but I think unusual. Maybe the reason that so many of my friends get on so well with their inlaws is that there IS some distance, and not too much contact.
Overall I whole heartedly agree with your sentiment for people to be nicer to each other and give some more thought and care to their family relationships. I think those are admirable thoughts and worth sharing!
I am the DIL and I DID encourage hubby to keep contact with his mom until she came to my home and caused major problems for us with our kids. That is when both hubby and I said we are done. And, no, hubby is not like her, he is like my FIL who is the sweetest grandfather to my kids, a good father to my hubby, and a good FIL to me. You should be proud of your son that he is backing his wife as a husband should.
I think it was the: "You should never call their home and not ask to speak with her" part that worried me - my DH talks to his Mom once a week or once every couple of weeks at least. I honestly enjoy the occassional chat, but to be handed the phone every time she called would be too much and overwhelming.
I don't mean to be critical of you - I can only imagine how difficult it must be to feel that you have lost your son, who you were close to before, but no longer.
Your post just sounded like you were hoping for some idealized relationship with your son and his wife including weekly chats with both of them, regular dinners out alone with your son, Mother's day cards from both of them, lunches and shopping days out with your DIL. I CAN understand why you would want all this, but I don't know ANYONE who has or wants this kind of relationship with an inlaw. Most of my friends get on well with their inlaws and enjoy spending time with them at holidays and for family gatherings. You say that you have friends who have the above relationships with their DILs and that's lovely.... but I think unusual. Maybe the reason that so many of my friends get on so well with their inlaws is that there IS some distance, and not too much contact.
Overall I whole heartedly agree with your sentiment for people to be nicer to each other and give some more thought and care to their family relationships. I think those are admirable thoughts and worth sharing!
It's ok, please don't worry about stepping on my toes, I don't always explain myself well enough in my posts...sorry about that.
Actually, I used to have all those things with my son...believe it or not...and from the beginning, I knew, my DIL hated me...no one likes rejection, everyone wants to be liked, but even is she didn't like me, it would have been ok...I can't like everyone either...but we could at least be civil and repectable to each other, yanno? That is what I don't understand.
But, thanks so much for coming back and explaining...I think the whole thing is, while I am a very secluded person, and even my son, knew he should call before he visits...we were still very close and had at one time a very idealistic relationship...now to have it all gone is hard...but you deal with it...yanno?
Reading some of these it's interesting to find the DIL's right away claim his mom "started" it all. Perhaps they do. Just sat down one morning at the table at home and devised some master plan to destroy a relationship, I don't know.
I know I never did a thing to deserve what I received from my dil and HER MOTHER. (I believe their plots were planned over way too much wine.) I never meddled, never called them. Didn't give my thoughts, my feelings. Left them alone. No unexpected visits. Doled out gifts and financial help because I loved them both. Didn't have any holds on either of them. Never planned their lives, holidays, etc. Just kept out of their business.
Offers to do things together just fell away. Her mother became the 'center' or Alphadog, is what I like to call the *itch. She is firmly rooted--her claws are in them deep. What she says goes. Her daughter has not detached herself from this woman and never will.
My attempts, at accepting this girl/child into our family, were met with ewwws or blatent snubbing. Oh well. Can't win em all. But I tried. I really liked her. It's her mother that calls the shots in that union. And four years later I still have nothing to do with them.
My MIL? is wonderful. Has been for the 30 years I have known her. I would do anything for her. She is my mom too and is a part of our family.
So sorry Creme. I am at a loss on what to say. ((((hugs))))
Reading some of these it's interesting to find the DIL's right away claim his mom "started" it all. Perhaps they do. Just sat down one morning at the table at home and devised some master plan to destroy a relationship, I don't know.
I know I never did a thing to deserve what I received from my dil and HER MOTHER. (I believe their plots were planned over way too much wine.) I never meddled, never called them. Didn't give my thoughts, my feelings. Left them alone. No unexpected visits. Doled out gifts and financial help because I loved them both. Didn't have any holds on either of them. Never planned their lives, holidays, etc. Just kept out of their business.
Offers to do things together just fell away. Her mother became the 'center' or Alphadog, is what I like to call the *itch. She is firmly rooted--her claws are in them deep. What she says goes. Her daughter has not detached herself from this woman and never will.
My attempts, at accepting this girl/child into our family, were met with ewwws or blatent snubbing. Oh well. Can't win em all. But I tried. I really liked her. It's her mother that calls the shots in that union. And four years later I still have nothing to do with them.
My MIL? is wonderful. Has been for the 30 years I have known her. I would do anything for her. She is my mom too and is a part of our family.
So sorry Creme. I am at a loss on what to say. ((((hugs))))
While you know I appreciate your feedback, don't be sorry...yanno what, I think sometimes we have to be thankful for what we have, rather then, like me, obsess about what I don't have.
I'll tell you true...this past Friday, I knew I had to go to a meeting today to find out if I still had a job. All weekend I was scared to death...so, I also thought much about my son this weekend.
Today, is a new day....the meeting was horrible...some lost their jobs...I was lucky, but I tell you true, while I'm glad I still have my job...I feel awful for the other girls who don't. We were all crying and hugging each other...and I was sick all weekend. This is a terrible economy...and it's getting worse...so today, I am thankful I have my health, my job, my home and my family and great friends...marvelous friends...in that today, I am a wealthy women...
As for my son, this is HIS life, not mine...I don't own him, and there is nothing I can do about this...he must go his way and follow his path...
Darlin...If it is any consulation...know that I know...and all we can do, is hope and pray our son's will have a sucessful life. Thanks so much for joining in...
Love ya
hugs
Creme
Wow, that's great you were spared. whew.
And I know there are those quiet moments you wish life was more like those
Hallmark commercials. Lovey dovey, warm and fuzzy. Especially around this
time of year. But we won't let it get us down. We need us a new hobby.
Maybe I will try snowboarding ! or not. Have a great day, Creme.
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She is a nasty one, that's for sure...
