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I may not necessarily intervene but I make it very clear in blunt terms that he will never have my permission to "use" me to deceive his wife, i.e, "oh last night Sprawling and I and a few other buddies were at Joe's Pub until 3AM getting wasted and playing darts and pool."
I will also make it clear via speech and actions that I will stop associating with him closely.
It's one thing if it was a one-time slip which he promptly regrets and despairs over; still wrong, sure, but I'll even help him get back on the right track by giving him advice and helping him avoid "traps." It's another if he engages in a pattern of deception towards his wife and shows no remorse because some men think that guys are supposed to sow their oats even after becoming fathers.
Funny how men - and women - who have affairs would go postal if their own spouses did the same. Rationalization.
Cover for them? As in, their SO comes to me and asks if they are cheating? I won't lie for my friend, but I won't throw him/her under the bus either. I'll just claim ignorance and advise that person to take it up with my friend, and that I do not want to be in the middle of the mess.
Claiming ignorance is the same thing as lying. If a friend's partner came to me and asked if my friend was cheating on them, I wouldn't lie nor would I pretend not to know. I would do two things. First, I'd tell that person to ask their partner, not me. Two, I'd tell my friend what their partner just asked me.
I've known people who've looked the other way. They'd tell themselves it was none of their business. Then the person being cheated on would confront them on it, wondering how they could keep quiet or look the other way while their friend was cheating.
First, I'd tell that person to ask their partner, not me. Two, I'd tell my friend what their partner just asked me.
I've known people who've looked the other way. They'd tell themselves it was none of their business. Then the person being cheated on would confront them on it, wondering how they could keep quiet or look the other way while their friend was cheating.
I already said I'd direct them back to their partner if they approach me. I am NOT obligated to tell them anything I know. It's not my mess, I didn't create the situation, and I will deal with it only if forced to by way of confrontation. I reserve the right to "pleade the fifth" so to speak. That does not make me a liar.
Claiming ignorance is the same thing as lying. If a friend's partner came to me and asked if my friend was cheating on them, I wouldn't lie nor would I pretend not to know. I would do two things. First, I'd tell that person to ask their partner, not me. Two, I'd tell my friend what their partner just asked me.
I've known people who've looked the other way. They'd tell themselves it was none of their business. Then the person being cheated on would confront them on it, wondering how they could keep quiet or look the other way while their friend was cheating.
That's pretty much what Coolhand said anyway. He would direct this person back to the partner. So you are agreeing with him.
No ditto from me. I saw all kinds of people cheating, good or bad. Quite honestly, it's not my place to say which person is a good or a bad one. Nobody placed me to be a human judge.
On another note, I believe that under certain circumstances almost everyone, THAT'S F-G right, everyone is capable to do something like that. Humans just do not know what they are capable of until certain situations present themselves.
And lastly - cheating is a horrible horrible thing to do in a relationship and although anything can be justifiable, it's a very tragic thing that can happen to both: a cheater and a person who has been cheated. The consequences of cheating can be very tragic, broken trust is very hard to survive and overcome, but it's possible.
Let me tell you a story. One of my dearest friends had been married for 13 years. The best relationship, loving, caring, have great 2 children, great parents to both of them and all of a sudden something happened. She has met someone she knew from the past and cared for in the past and she completely fell for it. She lost it, literally lost it. She fell for this man so hard, her thinking was not clear. And this is someone who as many of you SWORE on her children would never cheat on her husband. She finally broke it off with that man and hid the truth for a long time from her husband. But it was eating her from the inside and completely was destroying their relationship. Her husband didn't know what the hell was going on with her, her anger, frustration, it was all a manifestation of her guilt. Finally she opened up to him. He was crushed, was willing to throw himself under the bus, almost killed himself. It was a horrible time for me when she called me hysterical, completely lost. They survived this hard time. He forgave her, and she forgave herself and they are still struggling, but they are healing. The conclusion is: ANYONE can do something like this. Do I say that she was a horrible friend? A horrible person? A horrible wife? I will never say that, because I don't believe this for a minute. My heart still hurts for them, but I'm glad to see they are doing better, because they love each other.
Let's accept that we are all humans and we do make mistakes. I strongly believe that sometimes cheating is a mistake, sometimes it's fixable but sometimes it's not. We all lie. We all do things we are not proud of.
I already said I'd direct them back to their partner if they approach me. I am NOT obligated to tell them anything I know. It's not my mess, I didn't create the situation, and I will deal with it only if forced to by way of confrontation. I reserve the right to "pleade the fifth" so to speak. That does not make me a liar.
You also said that you would claim ignorance. That made it sound like you would pretend not to know anything. I would never do that.
Claiming ignorance as in "I don't know what to tell you, speak to him about it, not me".
Thanks for clearing that up. Your original comment made it sound like you would shrug your shoulders and pretend to not know what your friend was doing.
I usually stop being friends with those who cheat. There is usually behavior that comes before that which gets on my last one and makes them not so desireable to be around in general. The only thing I have "covered" for was when a friend would come over to get away from the clingy girlfriend and just hang out with the s.o. and I with others. She was one of those call and track them down types and just a little too much. No one really liked her that much just because of how she was immature and over dramatic on everything. I did not see much harm in the white lie of that. They just drank and listened to music or watched something on TV etc.
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