Marriage is slowly killing me ( Husband, no kids ) (therapy, attracted, separate)

[floridadreamer]

My advise would be to get the he** out of there, not tomorrow, not next week, but TODAY!! Therapy might benefit you once you're out of there an to help you get on with your life, but you need to leave and for heaven sake don't get her pregnant.

[bigquestions]

I am a strong believer that everything can be fixed...but you guys will obviously need counseling, not only as a couple but also individually. Of course, if there is not will to fix, then get out and make yourself better.

[msboom]

I know times are tough money wise, but maybe you could do a seperation, a physical seperation. One of you rent a room elsewhere and possbily the other have a roommate move in if the money is really tight. If she can see what she is loosing, that should straighten her up, though possibly not permanently. I think you need self help books and or counselling. But your health is so important. Without it you cannot do anything. You need some serious space from her. Sit her down, talk to her and tell her that she has one last chance to change and not fight no matter what or you will have to stop living together , at least temporarily. Tell her you are serious. I am not sure how to convince her you mean it (assuming you take this advice.) , for example if you have threatened such a thing before and not followed through, she may not believe you but show her this thread and tell her you mean it and she needs to take it serious that you will physically seperate from her for your (and her) health if she cannot stop the fighting. It takes two, so you also must look at your part in it and not play your usual role. If she starts it, don't play along. Tell her I am not fighting with you. Then leave and go take a walk. She will miss you and be nicer when you return. If she begs you to stay and not go for a walk (Im talking fifteen minutes, good stress relief, too) , tell her you will but she musn't start fights and arguements or you will have to go around the block. Good luck. But overall, it does sound like you need to get out.

[gogetter09]

Sorry to hear about what you're going through...uggh WELCOME TO THE MARRIED LIFE!!
I'm also going through the same situation, but we havent been married for that long, next month would be our 1 yr anniversary=) First of all, do you want your marriage to work out? If so, than you have too have faith in God.
Well my advice 2 u is tell her u need some space and be separated for awhile, so u can both cool off and also figure out what u want. While you're separated, pray and fast about your marriage and than he will show you what to do but u gotta have faith in him. I know that God put you in that marriage for a reason, so you gotta ask God to show u what your purpose is; in your marriage. I'm saying this because God is starting to restore my marriage and I know that if he could do the same for mine he could do the same for your marriage as well. I wish u the best of luck and remember with God anything is possible!!!

[malamute]

Originally Posted by Josh_GW

Thank you for all the honest replies, to answer the question to what it is we are fighting about...its honestly everything and anything that has potential to have difference of opinion. There is no agreeing on anything, housework, ideas to fix the relationship, family ( a very big one ), lifestyle, I cant seem to get a word in edgewise on anything and its a constant battle. Of course some things dont draw out as much aggression as others, but its honestly like everything is a disruption.
I dont want to make it out like all arguments stem from petty origins, because they dont, but I wont deny some things do come out of these squabbles and become a snowball effect.

Did either your wife or yourself come from a dysfunctional family? Or there could even be underlying mental illness, could your wife be bipolar?

The fact that your wife reacts that way to the thought of breaking up even when it's clear it's not working, makes me think she's accustomed to abusive relationships and much fighting, that she's equating something other than love with love.

Divorce is obviously one solution but it doesn't solve the problem if it's something in either or both of you. Something drew the two of you together, at least one of you believes violence and fighting and aggression is the way to go about things.

Don't have kids.

[malamute]

As far as divorce - sometimes that just becomes a cycle, one failed relationship after another. You have to look into your own hearts on that one, if you want to make things work with this woman but I believe you should separate for a while at least because the physical violence will escalate and you cannot allow that. Go back to dating, figure out what it was that brought the two of you together, and if one or both of you needs help.

It takes two to make a marriage but one can destroy a marriage. Sometimes people make a big mistake in who they marry and they do better the next time, but many just repeat the same thing over and over - and in that case, you might be better off digging into what the real problem is.

It's possible your wife has grown up in emotional and even physical abuse and equates that with love. Some people will subconsciously "push the buttons" of the other to provoke fights because they know of know other way to deal with someone they live with. They like the adrenaline rush or something.

[carlitasway]

Originally Posted by Josh_GW

Thanks again for everyones input. Its so difficult for me right now, its pulling me apart. I really feel the most difficult thing is her telling me that she loves me and always will. That is something that has been said in the past when situations arise like this, but the endings all turn out to be like where we are now...I just cannot continue a normal life like this, I most certainly cant finish my degree or go to school this semester as stress hospitalized me last year, something I cant go through again. I am speaking with someone today, but I really thank everyone for their ideas and experiences. I sometimes feel that maybe we just are not right for one another, I mean is that even possible, to love someone but not be able to work? I know that children cant be brought into this world, we havnt had sex in months, all for my fears of bringing a child into a toxic atmosphere. And in that is another thing, if we are unable to make a family, how can we be one just together.

I agree that you need to leave her when she's not there. It sounds cruel but it sounds like she knows how to say the right things to keep you around longer. I've been in a relationship where the guy said he'd kill himself and never love anyone like he loves me and, guess what, he's still alive and probably giving some other girl that guilt trip. And we had a relationship just like yours. We really did bring out the worst in eachother. It can be hard to leave but once you do you'll wonder why you stayed so long. So pack your things and stay somewhere else because you know she isn't going to leave. Be prepared for her to keep giving you guilt trips. Mentally prepare yourself so you can stay strong and away.

[chacho_keva]

Originally Posted by Josh_GW

I have been married for two years, and have slowly fallen into a pit that is taking a toll on my health. My wife and I fight quite regularly, on average when we are together I would say at least 4 to 5 days a week. These fights do range in aggressiveness, but every fight is quite heated. We are always up in one anothers faces and there is such visible potential for physical violence. My wife has punched me while driving the car, and I have grabbed her and held her in a rage. I know this sounds terrible, and I know it is. I saw so many red lights prior to this that I felt would lead to this, and its slowly coming to pass. I dont want to end up doing something to really hurt one another ( such as hitting her or infidelity-- not saying their is potential for that right now, but in bad marriages as I see now, nothing is out of the picture ). My greatest fear is that I physically hurt her as she has hit me before and in my anger I feel so much rage. I have been very ill about 6 times in a year, 3 times in hospital from stress ( one illness lasting 2 months). I cant take another year like this. We are young, I am about to finish my degree but know that I cant do another year like we have had in the past. I can feel great differences in my physically health ( practically no immune system-get sick very easily) mental health ( I cant think on a lvl that I used to, very exhausted ) and emotionally. I feel I need to remove myself, but she doesnt want me to leave. She falls down and tells me how it will kill her, how she loves me and will always love me, all these things that I think should solidify a relationship. The only problem is things like this have happened before and nothing changes, two years of constant fighting has almost destroyed my faith in each other. When she says those things I dont want to leave her....it confuses me, its up and down up and down. As a university student (26 yrs old ), I am not in the greatest financial bracket, and we cant afford professional help. We have seen a pastor once, but he did not believe in divorce, and since she was crying and telling him she loved me, he questioned my ability to love and why I would want to leave, even though I pretty much explained to him what was going on ( health wise, fighting, potential for physical violence etc.) I used to be a Christian but have lost my faith, she is a christian and that poses a problem also. I am so lost and alone. I saw what was going on, I ignored what I saw, and now were are here. I dont like what I see right now, I am terrified for the future, and cant live a life like this...I cant live with myself if I do something like abuse or cheating ( even though I feel the verbal abuse is already there ). I cant carry on in a normal life, I feel like a shell, I pretty much have to drop out of this year of school ( its just started ) because this continues to worsen. Any help or advice, please.

Dude, this is a NO-BRAINER!!! Get the hell out of this so-called "marriage" before one of you'se gets physically, mentally, emotionally, and spritually hurt beyond repair.

YOU HAVE NO KIDS!!! If you someday DO have kids with her, do you want them growing up in an environment where they are constantly exposed to unloving quarelling parents???

Listen...you're the man! This typically means that you're suppose to be the logical side of the equation. She's the emotional side of this. USE YOUR FREEKIN BRAIN AND QUIT STOOPING DOWN TO THIS MAMBY-PAMBY EMOTIONAL BS BEING HURLED AT YOU BY HER AND THE "PASTOR."

Hey, if you stay in this marriage you will be responsible for not doing what is the right thing to do for HER and for you. And trust me, that last person that will come to your rescue when the stuff gets really bad is "the pastor." This is what you'll hear from him/her..."brother, The Lord spoke to me and said that it's time for you to move along to another church, but that your tithes are to remain in this church." Hey, you've lost your faith anyways. What the hell do you care about what the pastor says?

Do both of you'se a favor, put your pants on and end this thing like yesterday!!!

[Easybreezy]

This is a very difficult situation. Definitely a separation is in order, good independent and individual counseling on a short term basis to determine if the relationship is worthy of salvaging. I highly doubt that it is. It isn't worth losing your health over a failed relationship, that's a pretty good clue to moveon.

I suspect that she considers you almost as a "possession" that she wants to control in what she believes what her life (note not your life, not our life, but hers) should be. I suspect some of this is religious upbringing, religion influenced. I would not worry for one nanosecond what someone thought of me for leaving this situation if it's your health on the line. It's obvious to me that she doesn't CARE about YOUR health. If you truly love someone, you definitely are concerned with that person's well being. But she is not, only about herself.

You both need to get away from each other and figure out what it is you want in life independently.

Good luck...it's all hard.

[Tropical Trouble]

Sometimes things are so broken that they just can't be fixed. It's sad but true, and while you have a lot of living ahead of you, in the end, life is short and you can't afford to waste one more day in this toxic relationship. I wish you the best of luck.