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Is the boyfriend saying it in an abusive tone of voice? Is he making "a face"? If not then he isn't controlling. She is guilt tripping him by calling him controlling when he tries to get his needs met.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane
Most women I know say they would never want to be with a guy who's controlling, which I completely understand. But what I've noticed is how easily some people assign this label. For example, a coworker of mine described her boyfriend that way. When I asked her to explain how, she gave two examples:
1. "Whenever I go out with my friends, he'll ask where we're going and what time I'll be home"
2. "If I spend a lot of time on my own, he'll ask me 'when will we get to spend some time together?'"
I didn't say anything to her, but based only on the examples she gave me, I didn't think the BF was controlling. I think he asked legitimate questions that most people would expect to hear from their partner. If I go out with my friends, I'd expect my partner to ask where I'm going and what time I'll be home. Those are general questions that people ask of their partners. It's not the same as saying "tell me exactly where you're going, who's gonna be there, what you'll be doing and send me updates every hour." Also, if I'm spending a lot of time doing my own things apart from my partner, then of course I would expect her to ask when she'll get some of my time. It just amazes me that my coworker was so quick to assign the "controlling" label. If these are the best examples she could come up with, I would hate to think how she'd react to someone who's really controlling.
What does it say about her if she thinks this qualifies as controlling behavior? Do you think there are some deeper psychological issues at work? What do you think they could be?
Or do you agree with her and think her BF is out of line for asking such things?
And those are the type of fools that keep therapists (scam artists) in business.
Quote:
Originally Posted by funymann
It is being labeled too much. Seriously.
I was talking to my Dad today and we were discussing how some people act around other people.
Let's say a guy and a girl don't see eye to eye. He says to her, "Please be quiet." She says, "No, you be quiet." "Listen, all I am asking you is to be quiet." "NO...YOU be quiet." (You see where this is going)
This escalates to the man calling her a bad name in anger. Now he is labeled a "VERBAL ABUSIVE PERSON."
WHAT? Come on!
I think there are alot of things that are blown out of proportion.
Too true. You can't talk away the "Anger" or "The Addiction". You have to make logical changes in your environment. IE: Stop hanging out with people that pick fights and arguments. Stop hanging out with people that encourage you to do drugs or drink alcohol. Don't go to bars where drugs are encouraged.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SKP440
I agree. We have become obsessed with labels. Two examples of a person's behavior and we are quick to call someone abusive, controlling, addicted, angry, co-dependent etc. It keeps Lawyers, and Therapists in business. Most labels thrown out there on people usually wind up either in court attached to a lawsuit, or some therapist who needs to talk to someone about their so-called "anger" or "addiction" issues.
Most women I know say they would never want to be with a guy who's controlling, which I completely understand. But what I've noticed is how easily some people assign this label. For example, a coworker of mine described her boyfriend that way. When I asked her to explain how, she gave two examples:
1. "Whenever I go out with my friends, he'll ask where we're going and what time I'll be home"
2. "If I spend a lot of time on my own, he'll ask me 'when will we get to spend some time together?'"
I didn't say anything to her, but based only on the examples she gave me, I didn't think the BF was controlling. I think he asked legitimate questions that most people would expect to hear from their partner. If I go out with my friends, I'd expect my partner to ask where I'm going and what time I'll be home. Those are general questions that people ask of their partners. It's not the same as saying "tell me exactly where you're going, who's gonna be there, what you'll be doing and send me updates every hour." Also, if I'm spending a lot of time doing my own things apart from my partner, then of course I would expect her to ask when she'll get some of my time. It just amazes me that my coworker was so quick to assign the "controlling" label. If these are the best examples she could come up with, I would hate to think how she'd react to someone who's really controlling.
What does it say about her if she thinks this qualifies as controlling behavior? Do you think there are some deeper psychological issues at work? What do you think they could be?
Or do you agree with her and think her BF is out of line for asking such things?
I'm controlling, I keep all four in between the yellow and white lines!LMAO..........
You are. You took my comments out of context and applied them to women everywhere, saying that they run hot and cold. You also neglected to acknowledge that I said "on the surface," and that "perhaps he has his reasons," and that it was hard to tell just by what the OP said. Therefore, you cherry-picked.
As I said, some women would get annoyed by those questions, others wouldn't.
The OP asked for opinions. That's what I gave. I do not presume to speak for other people, so, sorry, but your comments are silly.
You are. You took my comments out of context and applied them to women everywhere, saying that they run hot and cold. You also neglected to acknowledge that I said "on the surface," and that "perhaps he has his reasons," and that it was hard to tell just by what the OP said. Therefore, you cherry-picked.
As I said, some women would get annoyed by those questions, others wouldn't.
The OP asked for opinions. That's what I gave. I do not presume to speak for other people, so, sorry, but your comments are silly.
So are you. If I took it out of context, it is your fault as it's your comments as it's subject to interpretation
Concluding someone's personality based on 2 statements is silly. Is there a good reason for you to analyze his two statements and determine him to be clingy, obsessive, and controlling? No, I think not. I agree with you that people have their comfort zones, but calling him "whiny and clingy" is flat out stupid on your part when you don't know the circumstances. You ain't a pysch, so don't act like one.
Like I said, don't get defensive just because someone else have a different opinion than yours
I got flack for not being interested enough.
When my ex said she was going out I just told her to be safe and have fun.
And she would go into this tirade about me not caring enough.
Of course if it was something that bothered me such as certain people coming to visit I'd
make sure I spoke on it because I prefer not to have thieves and/or overly boisterous people in my home.
Then again I think the fact that I would never raise my voice if we disagreed and sometimes I would leave so as not to hear the yelling made her mad.
Finance was never an issue because anything she wanted outside of bills was bought with her own money unless it was a gift.
And she usually came up with her part. Was not a big deal because I picked a place I could easily afford by myself at the time.
As the person who started this thread, let me make it clear that the woman I mentioned in the original post DID in fact live with her boyfriend. Shortly after I started this thread, they broke up. I didn't ask why.
Given that they did live together, I still don't see how the following statements qualify him as controlling: 1. "Whenever I go out with my friends, he'll ask where we're going and what time I'll be home"
2. "If I spend a lot of time on my own, he'll ask me 'when will we get to spend some time together?'"
If I were married or just had a girlfriend I was living with, I would not be the slightest bit offended by these questions. It's not like she's asking me to list out all the details. I also wouldn't interpret the question as looking for a firm deadline of when I'll be home. IMO, it's simply an issue of showing consideration for one's partner and their plans. It's also her showing an interest in me. For example, if I told her "John and I are going out for dinner" and she responds, "where you guys going?", I would not think that's being nosy. Suppose I answered, "we're going to Mario's for Italian" and then she said, "oh be careful. I heard the service there's hit or miss and it's a pain to find parking so you might want to get their early." Do you notice how healthy that exchange was? I didn't get defensive and she actually warned me about something that could've ruined my evening.
As for the second question, it's normal for two people in a relationship to want to spend a certain amount of quality time together just as it's normal for each person to want to have a life outside of their relationship. But how does one person know if their partner's needs are being met if they're not even allowed to ask the question for fear of being labeled controlling?
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