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I haven't filed because he is actually a good father to our child and I do not want our child to be without a father who has a daily presence.
I didn't read the entire thing. This sentence caught my eye, I scrolled down the page and saw more excuses.
If he is incapable of assisting in supporting his family, to the point where he DAMAGES your finances... how is he being a good father? In the next sentence you say "daily presence". Sounds like you can't have it both ways and that he's just another child in your household. Why do YOU want him there? That is the question you need to answer.
I have been married for 8 years and have always been the one in our marriage who has held a steady, good paying job with health insurance. My husband has proved himself to be incapable of handling finances. For years we had a joint checking account. He would routinely withdraw money without discussing it with me before or after and he also had a habit of authorizing electronic payments for various bills when he knew there would not be money in the account to cover.
I have been at my job for almost 12 years. He has jumped from one job to the next. Last year he made $9000. This year will probably be even less because he insisted that he should start his own home improvement business and has not done as well as he thought he would. Earlier this year, he took our state and federal income tax returns and put them into his business bank account without discussing the matter with me. It was then that I stopped depositing my paycheck into our joint account and got my own account that he has no access to.
I pay for everything -- rent, utilities, gas, food, clothing, etc. With colder weather upon us, my husband has no prospects for any work in the near future. His source of income through the winter has typically been to use money from my paycheck to pay for his 3 bowling leagues where he often wins jackpots, sometimes as much as $300-400 when he does really well. He thinks that this is contributing to our household expenses when in fact, when he does win money, it is spent going out to eat, doing fun things with our child and rarely is put toward an expense like the rent or car insurance.
I grew up in a household where my father, an accountant, doled out the money to my mom. I saw how she felt constrained by this and I never wanted a husband who did this with me. But now I find myself having to be like my father was. In my situation, my husband has shown that he cannot be trusted with money. He is unhappy about this, of course, but I am not willing to go back to a joint account that he can freely withdraw from. Due to his unstable employment, I have had to take out payday loans for the past 7 months. I was close to being out of the vicious circle that became but then my husband asked me for $400 to pay one of his friends, who had helped him with some of his work. Work for which my husband has yet to be paid for himself.
I am very resentful of my husband. I work full-time. He is home while I am at work. We have a 5-year old in half-day kindergarten who is home with him two afternoons/week but goes to an after-school program (which we pay for) the other three days. My husband does not clean the house, do laundry, make dinner or even clean up after himself. He will do something if I ask, like if I remind him to start the dishwasher, he will. He is getting to spend more time with our child than I do. If our financial situation were better, if he were the breadwinner, I would be able to work part-time at my job and have that time with our child.
How do I let go of my resentment toward him? He is not one to discuss anything, I often feel alone and I find myself confiding in him less and less. To add to all of this, I have suspected in the past two years that he cheated on me. He knows my suspicions. Whenever I approach the subject he just flat out denies that anything happened but I have some pretty solid evidence that he just chooses to ignore. I have considered divorce. I think about it almost every day. I haven't filed because he is actually a good father to our child and I do not want our child to be without a father who has a daily presence. We do have fun family times and I do not think our child senses anything wrong between my husband and I, but our child is only 5.
I try to work on myself. Put my needs first. My husband does not put me first, so I feel I have to do that. I know he thinks I am controlling, especially with money, but I have to be, for my own peace of mind.
Any advice out there?
Hi BettyLouToYou,
I only have general advice. It does not matter if your spouse works for income or not. It just matters if they are productive and good person. That is the problem here.
I have been married for 8 years and have always been the one in our marriage who has held a steady, good paying job with health insurance. My husband has proved himself to be incapable of handling finances. For years we had a joint checking account. He would routinely withdraw money without discussing it with me before or after and he also had a habit of authorizing electronic payments for various bills when he knew there would not be money in the account to cover.
I have been at my job for almost 12 years. He has jumped from one job to the next. Last year he made $9000. This year will probably be even less because he insisted that he should start his own home improvement business and has not done as well as he thought he would. Earlier this year, he took our state and federal income tax returns and put them into his business bank account without discussing the matter with me. It was then that I stopped depositing my paycheck into our joint account and got my own account that he has no access to.
I pay for everything -- rent, utilities, gas, food, clothing, etc. With colder weather upon us, my husband has no prospects for any work in the near future. His source of income through the winter has typically been to use money from my paycheck to pay for his 3 bowling leagues where he often wins jackpots, sometimes as much as $300-400 when he does really well. He thinks that this is contributing to our household expenses when in fact, when he does win money, it is spent going out to eat, doing fun things with our child and rarely is put toward an expense like the rent or car insurance.
I grew up in a household where my father, an accountant, doled out the money to my mom. I saw how she felt constrained by this and I never wanted a husband who did this with me. But now I find myself having to be like my father was. In my situation, my husband has shown that he cannot be trusted with money. He is unhappy about this, of course, but I am not willing to go back to a joint account that he can freely withdraw from. Due to his unstable employment, I have had to take out payday loans for the past 7 months. I was close to being out of the vicious circle that became but then my husband asked me for $400 to pay one of his friends, who had helped him with some of his work. Work for which my husband has yet to be paid for himself.
I am very resentful of my husband. I work full-time. He is home while I am at work. We have a 5-year old in half-day kindergarten who is home with him two afternoons/week but goes to an after-school program (which we pay for) the other three days. My husband does not clean the house, do laundry, make dinner or even clean up after himself. He will do something if I ask, like if I remind him to start the dishwasher, he will. He is getting to spend more time with our child than I do. If our financial situation were better, if he were the breadwinner, I would be able to work part-time at my job and have that time with our child.
How do I let go of my resentment toward him? He is not one to discuss anything, I often feel alone and I find myself confiding in him less and less. To add to all of this, I have suspected in the past two years that he cheated on me. He knows my suspicions. Whenever I approach the subject he just flat out denies that anything happened but I have some pretty solid evidence that he just chooses to ignore. I have considered divorce. I think about it almost every day. I haven't filed because he is actually a good father to our child and I do not want our child to be without a father who has a daily presence. We do have fun family times and I do not think our child senses anything wrong between my husband and I, but our child is only 5.
I try to work on myself. Put my needs first. My husband does not put me first, so I feel I have to do that. I know he thinks I am controlling, especially with money, but I have to be, for my own peace of mind.
Any advice out there?
I'm sorry, nothing you'd want to hear. It was painful to read your post because I lived that myself, down to the home improvement business that cost me money. Eventually it got worse with the use of alcohol and drugs, although that might not be your case. Still, I think I would have been more willing to have patience for the rehab process if he'd been a decent husband in the first place. I divorced him. My daughter was eight years old. It was absolutely the right thing to do, and oddly enough, because there was some part of him that wanted to be a better father, a year or two after I threw him out he got himself together and is now self-supporting. My daughter is now 18 and thanks me for divorcing him, although she loves him and sees him regularly. It was too late for us--I have too much resentment over all the lost years of long hours and the years of paying back the debt he left me with.
He is not going to change unless there is some catalyst to make him change, and that may only come when he is forced to support himself.
This feels like me having to be the parent though. For me to be happier, I need him working and bringing in a steady income. Not because I am materialistic and want things, but because our household needs two incomes. We have gotten by on my income alone but it has been a struggle and we are behind on things. I am not asking him to make what I make. If he even brought in half of what I make, our lifestyle could improve.
Telling him what I need is going to lead to him going on and on about all of the ways he is trying to get some jobs lined up, which I know he is doing, although he could be trying harder. He gets frustrated when I try to have any sort of discussion with him. He thinks I don't listen. So I try to be a better listener but he shuts down when the topic starts to hit a nerve. I guess we need someone to intervene and help us communicate better.
And he's not just not bringing in income, which is what a lot of families are facing these days. It's that he's still spending what he doesn't have.
It sounds like you have a trust issue and not a breadwinner issue with your husband. Your priority is your child and do what's best for her. If that means getting a separate account so you can pay warmth, food, and a roof over y'alls head, so be it. Your husband needs to wake up and stop acting so irresponsibly.
I had to register for this forum because I relate so strongly to this post. I hope no one minds my telling my story in this thread.
I've been married almost 10 years, have two girls, ages 5 and 7. I have always been the breadwinner of the family.
When my husband and I were dating, he moved to my state so that we could live together, and he was able to transfer jobs within his company. On his first day of work in the "new" job (in my State), he called in sick. His first day! I had not started my job yet and he just wanted to stay at home with me. At the time, I didn't think too much of it but I know now, that was a sign.
Bottom line is that my husband is drastically underemployed. When we were first together, I made $20K more than him, which was not a big deal. We both have professional degrees and I thought we would have similar career paths (and incomes). I now (and have for a few years) make $100K more than he does.
More than the money, though, is the reason why he makes less money. He would rather stay in a job for which he is overqualified so he can "work from home" three days a week, which allows him to play golf at least one workday every week. When he's not golfing, he's in the home office watching tv while "working". Mind you, he works for a company, so when he's out golfing, it's not like he's self-employed and just didn't schedule clients - he's on the clock, supposedly working!!
Last night we were with friends and they started talking about "Avatar". He was like, "Great movie!" I asked, "When did you see Avatar?" He said, "One day when I was working from home." WHAT?
I could go on and on. He golfs 2x per week, every week, which costs $$. He has taken a golf trip every year that costs thousands. I recently got a new job for which I get a company car. Prudently, I've decided to get rid of my car and just drive the company car. My husband decides to tell me that he wants to get rid of his car (nothing wrong w/it) and get a "used" 6 series BMW.
I have made the mistake of letting him get away with too much. Admittedly, I'm not the best communicator and always avoid conflicts. I have truly reached then end of my rope.
Oh, did I mention that we haven't had sex in over a year?
If we divorce, he will have no place to live, no car to drive (both are in my name and I pay the insurance, he won't pay it even if he had the money!) and I will likely find myself having to "help" him see our child, meaning I would have to give him money to spend on our child. I know that it would be his problem that he has no place to live or no car, but I would hate for our child to see him homeless or living God knows where.
Maybe this is what he needs - a reality check. Maybe try it with a separation, not divorce. He will figure things out really fast.
I had to register for this forum because I relate so strongly to this post. I hope no one minds my telling my story in this thread.
I've been married almost 10 years, have two girls, ages 5 and 7. I have always been the breadwinner of the family.
When my husband and I were dating, he moved to my state so that we could live together, and he was able to transfer jobs within his company. On his first day of work in the "new" job (in my State), he called in sick. His first day! I had not started my job yet and he just wanted to stay at home with me. At the time, I didn't think too much of it but I know now, that was a sign.
Bottom line is that my husband is drastically underemployed. When we were first together, I made $20K more than him, which was not a big deal. We both have professional degrees and I thought we would have similar career paths (and incomes). I now (and have for a few years) make $100K more than he does.
More than the money, though, is the reason why he makes less money. He would rather stay in a job for which he is overqualified so he can "work from home" three days a week, which allows him to play golf at least one workday every week. When he's not golfing, he's in the home office watching tv while "working". Mind you, he works for a company, so when he's out golfing, it's not like he's self-employed and just didn't schedule clients - he's on the clock, supposedly working!!
Last night we were with friends and they started talking about "Avatar". He was like, "Great movie!" I asked, "When did you see Avatar?" He said, "One day when I was working from home." WHAT?
I could go on and on. He golfs 2x per week, every week, which costs $$. He has taken a golf trip every year that costs thousands. I recently got a new job for which I get a company car. Prudently, I've decided to get rid of my car and just drive the company car. My husband decides to tell me that he wants to get rid of his car (nothing wrong w/it) and get a "used" 6 series BMW.
I have made the mistake of letting him get away with too much. Admittedly, I'm not the best communicator and always avoid conflicts. I have truly reached then end of my rope.
Oh, did I mention that we haven't had sex in over a year?
I've been there... and I knew you weren't having sex with him before you even wrote it at the end. You don't respect him, so naturally you aren't attracted to him.
He sounds a lot like my ex, immature and lazy. Perpetually underemployed because he was too good for everything. He came from an old-money family so he naturally thought he was superior to other people, and he didn't respect what it took to earn a living.
He's not going to change. You are going to have to decide whether you can accept him for who he is, or you need to move on. The only other option is to live with a crappy marriage filled with resentment and continue to quietly seethe. (You may even find yourself cheating on him someday, which will come easily as you see him as less of a man.)
Sounds to me like you need to hell him (calmly and diplomatically), "You need to help around the house or get a job." For the housework, make list of what needs to be done, because some people (willfully or unconsciously) don't necessarily see a problem with a mess. You also need to quit paying for things you (meaning the both of you) can't afford like 3 bowling leagues. Your family is in a bad financial situation, so sacrifices have to be made. He's not going to like this or be happy about it, but if you (as other posters mentioned), sit down with a detailed household budget he can at least understand it isn't because you are being controlling, there just really is not enough money.
Sounds like he went to the same school of life that my wasband did.
I worked full-time, paid 2/3 of the rent, all the utilities, a car payment on a car I didn't even drive (he used it), did most of the cooking (unless it was something to impress his foodie friends, in which he cooked the food that I paid for). He didn't do any housework without a huge fight, went from part-time job to part-time job (getting fired from several, quitting out of pride from most), while taking elective after elective in pursuit of his undergrad degree. The final straw was finding out, via collection notice from the college, that he had dropped out of school with two classes left to go.
And of course, his very presence was supposed to be an aphrodisiac to overcome all.
Three years of that was all I could take.
Get out. Now. You deserve happiness with a real man. I can promise you that they are out there.
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