Dealing with SO's EX husband situation....Long sorry (date, man, love)
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Wait, she has to clear it with you if her kids invite THEIR FATHER to their little birthday celebration? Something's wrong with that. He should be invited regardless. You need to grow up, too.
You are not being dumb. I think this is more a matter of enforcing boundaries on her end. I know, a lot of times, parents deal with a lot more than they should for the sake of the kids. But she needs to recognize that there is nothing really healthy about his behavior. Regardless of whether or not she has a new love in her life, he should not have so much access to her or her home.
Yeah I totally agree. She did tell him he is not to come by without her permission anymore. She also told her kids that they are not to invite him anywhere again and that they needed to understand that there are boundaries there.
Also she gave me a key to her house. So I have more access. She is making an effort. However the allowing him to eat dinner with them is a sore subject. She has apologized a thousand times. But I was appalled that she even allowed that under any circumstances.
Yeah I totally agree. She did tell him he is not to come by without her permission anymore. She also told her kids that they are not to invite him anywhere again and that they needed to understand that there are boundaries there.
Also she gave me a key to her house. So I have more access. She is making an effort. However the allowing him to eat dinner with them is a sore subject. She has apologized a thousand times. But I was appalled that she even allowed that under any circumstances.
I can see why you would feel that way since it was in combination with the other problems. However, him being present on the kid's birthday isn't totally out of line. After all, it is his kid. You seem reasonable, so I'm pretty sure you would be ok if that was the only interaction they have in the future.
Wait, she has to clear it with you if her kids invite THEIR FATHER to their little birthday celebration? Something's wrong with that. He should be invited regardless. You need to grow up, too.
No it was not her birthday celebration. Her party isnt until friday. It was taking her to eat. And Im going to have to totally disagree anyway.
WE are in a realtionship not THEM. So yes I have a say. I for one am against even joint parties. I think playing family is not good for children. I think that black and white boundaries are. Thats just me. I especially think that just them two and the kids going to eat is wrong. He gets them every two days. HE can take them to eat on his own time.
If they want to have a joint party its their decision. I dont agree with it but its their thing. My ex and I dont do that we have seperate parties. Its just different opinions.
Also when you choose to screw other women when your married then you have to accept that you may lose some say in the way you see your kids. Its called divorce. I have to do it just like everyother man and woman does.
Ameribull, it seems to me that some of the issues are yours. You seem overly-concerned with her ex (and, you said, those of your other girlfriends).
I don't mean to sound harsh, but you didn't HAVE to go pick him up in a snowstorm. I am not sure why you care where his car is parked. I don't understand why it freaks you out that she sits with her kid's family when they're at the kid's soccer game. Would you prefer she sit alone? So what if the father goes to dinner with them on the kid's birthday when you sandbagged them? By the way, birthdays are really important...did you really try or did you not care that much about the kid's feelings.
Quote:
WE are in a realtionship not THEM. So yes I have a say. I for one am against even joint parties. I think playing family is not good for children. I think that black and white boundaries are.
I think your statement above sums it up...
She is a mother with children. They are going to be her priority. I'm not sure from what you said about interaction with your ex/children that you have the same values. If this is a conflict in values, quit torturing yourself with an unhealthy relationship. It seems you are jealous and annoyed with things that would not bother someone who was confident with their relationship. But you have no say in how she chooses to raise her children. This reads to me like an extreme need to control and jealousy. Sorry, just my opinion.
I do think you are being dumb because by accepting any of this codependant behavior you are allowing her to be operating on a level where the kids are being messed up for life. YOU will get over a breakup. They won't get over this drama. Its going to shape the view of relationships for them in the future.
You also need to act like a dad to them. If you say you are going to be there. YOU SHOW UP! If not you should of asked to say you are sorry on the phone to them and explain the weather. I know it got pretty bad this month so I am not sure if where you are at made it IMPOSSIBLE to get around or just not easy.
And you are going to have to learn to get along with the father of whoever's kids you are dating.
I think 3 adults need to start acting like adults and thinking of the kids instead of themselves.
No it was not her birthday celebration. Her party isnt until friday. It was taking her to eat. And Im going to have to totally disagree anyway.
WE are in a realtionship not THEM. So yes I have a say. I for one am against even joint parties. I think playing family is not good for children. I think that black and white boundaries are. Thats just me. I especially think that just them two and the kids going to eat is wrong. He gets them every two days. HE can take them to eat on his own time.
I have to agree with the others. While I think she needs to set some serious boundaries (her kids shouldn't think it is okay for her to break bread with someone who tells them she is going to hell for dating), you seem to have some pretty rigid expectations. Nothing is ever black and white when it comes to children. And being able to get along and be there for parties, school plays, sporting events together is never a bad thing for them. It doesn't mean they are in a relationship. It may be bad for you, but having two parents who can be friends and share in these events is absolutely a good thing.
Maybe you should find someone who feels the same way you do. I'm pretty sure you that you are not going to come out winning beyond her putting him in his place as it applies to her.
No it was not her birthday celebration. Her party isnt until friday. It was taking her to eat. And Im going to have to totally disagree anyway.
WE are in a realtionship not THEM. So yes I have a say. I for one am against even joint parties. I think playing family is not good for children. I think that black and white boundaries are. Thats just me. I especially think that just them two and the kids going to eat is wrong. He gets them every two days. HE can take them to eat on his own time.
I agree with the person who noted you are a boyfriend, not a husband. The boundaries absolutely aren't up to you. No, you do not have a say in the way they want to interact with their children. No, it does not matter that the group of them eating dinner together bothers you. Boyfriends should stay out of the child rearing decisions made by the girlfriend and ex-husband.
You can voice your opinion, and she is free to consider it or not. If she wants to maintain that same level of interaction with her ex, that's her choice to make. If you don't like her decision, you have to live with it or move on.
You will be due more of a say when if/you marry her. Right now, you really don't have a leg to stand on.
Ameribull, it seems to me that some of the issues are yours. You seem overly-concerned with her ex (and, you said, those of your other girlfriends).
I don't mean to sound harsh, but you didn't HAVE to go pick him up in a snowstorm. I am not sure why you care where his car is parked. I don't understand why it freaks you out that she sits with her kid's family when they're at the kid's soccer game. Would you prefer she sit alone? So what if the father goes to dinner with them on the kid's birthday when you sandbagged them? By the way, birthdays are really important...did you really try or did you not care that much about the kid's feelings.
I think your statement above sums it up...
She is a mother with children. They are going to be her priority. I'm not sure from what you said about interaction with your ex/children that you have the same values. If this is a conflict in values, quit torturing yourself with an unhealthy relationship. It seems you are jealous and annoyed with things that would not bother someone who was confident with their relationship. But you have no say in how she chooses to raise her children. This reads to me like an extreme need to control and jealousy. Sorry, just my opinion.
Ill just have to respectfully disagree with everything you said. But thank you for the response. Most people DO care when their SO is having an inapproapriate realtionship with their EX hunband.
And I meant to say in a relationship with ME and not HIM...... no THEM
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