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Well to sum this post up I broke it off with her about 30 minutes ago. Just cant put up with the drama. Maybe I am asking too much. I just believe that when you are divorced then you are divorced. Yes you have to communicate. Yes you have to deal with eachother. However you dont have to play married couple to try to pull the wool over the childrens eyes.
I think that presenting divorce as a fluid, grey area type of thing does them no good. Maybe its just me. And thats fine. I am divored and have two children. We have a civil, working relationship and we get along. However we do not try to convince our children we are still married and that nothing has changed. We want them to understand that we now have black and white distinctions between married and divorced. But thats just us.
But I thank everyone for the responses and opinions.
I feel bad for you Ameribull. I don't think you were out-of-bounds at all with what you were asking,and it sounds like your (now ex) girlfriend tried to do her best, too.
Sometimes kids put a strain on a second relationship through no fault of their own.
I wouldn't write her off, maybe just take some time off and see if that helps. (It sounds like you did care for her.)
Best of luck to you all. (Except to the ex-husband who sounds like a nut case. /jk)
I feel bad for you Ameribull. I don't think you were out-of-bounds at all with what you were asking,and it sounds like your (now ex) girlfriend tried to do her best, too.
Sometimes kids put a strain on a second relationship through no fault of their own.
I wouldn't write her off, maybe just take some time off and see if that helps. (It sounds like you did care for her.)
Best of luck to you all. (Except to the ex-husband who sounds like a nut case. /jk)
Well thank you very much. I appreciate that. And who knows what will happen? I have to say that Im shocked that people think I should have no issues with this. I cant believe that some people think its normal. Its interesting how different people are. What makes the world go around I guess.
I know this is a common problem and Im sure its been posted before. I am in a fairly new serious relationship with a great woman. However I am experiencing the same issues that I have with past women Ive dated.
Ill start out by saying that I have been divorced for 3 years and I have two children. She also has been divorced for 3 years and has two children. My ex wife and kids live in a neighboring state about 4 hours away. I rarely see her and only talk to her a few times a week. After a bad divorce we have reached a point of civility and actually get along very well. We are almost friends even.
However her relationship with her ex husband is a little different. He lives two minutes away. They exchange children every two or three days. Which is a good thing. However I having a hard time accepting thier interactions. She has no love for this man anymore. He is basically worthless at 34. She has zero respect for him. But she is mature and a good mother so she makes an effort to get along with him. He isnt always so mature. He tells the children shes going to hell for dating anyone. He has her son call to guilt trip her into things. He takes them out late at night to see what she is doing. Just childish crap.
All of that aside my issue is that they are so involved in each others daily lives. I know they share children. I know they have to interact. But I get tired of listening to them bicker. They dont have bad fights. She remains calm. But when I had to drive in a bad snow storm to take her SUV to him cuz his car was broken I was annoyed. When he parked his truck in HER driveway without asking to fix it I was annoyed. When she has to go to indoor soccer games every weekend and sit with him and his entire family Im annoyed. I finally had to start a fight with her to get her to take down the dozen or so pictures of him and her in her living room after 3 years.
I know that alot of it is my own problem. I can admit that. I sometimes womder if I can ever be serious with a woman with children. I have them but she never has to interact with her. And I rarely do.
He always asks her for money. And thats her business. But it gets old. Every night he has the kids he doesnt answer the phone on purpose so she can tell them good night and I have to listen to her bit*h and complain about him not answering.
I think he has way to much access to her house also. The other night I was there with the kids and he waited for me to leave so he could drop in and see them. He just had them for 3 days right before that. Maybe Im just being dumb I dont know. Sorry so long.
Find someone else to date - you aren't ready for this kind of situation (nor should you have to be). Before things go one step further, cut your losses.
Well to sum this post up I broke it off with her about 30 minutes ago. Just cant put up with the drama. Maybe I am asking too much. I just believe that when you are divorced then you are divorced. Yes you have to communicate. Yes you have to deal with eachother. However you dont have to play married couple to try to pull the wool over the childrens eyes.
I think that presenting divorce as a fluid, grey area type of thing does them no good. Maybe its just me. And thats fine. I am divored and have two children. We have a civil, working relationship and we get along. However we do not try to convince our children we are still married and that nothing has changed. We want them to understand that we now have black and white distinctions between married and divorced. But thats just us.
But I thank everyone for the responses and opinions.
Okay, I posted last time before I had read the thread, now I see this post
Looks like you took my advice - good
You don't need this drama in your life - it's not healthy.
Yeah I totally agree. She did tell him he is not to come by without her permission anymore. She also told her kids that they are not to invite him anywhere again and that they needed to understand that there are boundaries there.
Also she gave me a key to her house. So I have more access. She is making an effort. However the allowing him to eat dinner with them is a sore subject. She has apologized a thousand times. But I was appalled that she even allowed that under any circumstances.
You are 100000% wrong here. It was her DAUGHTER'S birthday. As her father he SHOULD have been invited and you have no right to be upset about it. The other stuff was wrong on her part, but you can't go to the other extreme. If you are going to be with her or any other woman you are going to have to share. And there are ALWAYS going to be events that she has to share the children, birthdays are a biggie. The holidays, graduations, school plays and other "parent events".
Not running to the rescue when he's broke or his truck is broken down is one thing but "parent events" are another. Just because you choose to be a part time father who forces his children to have two events doesn't mean that she should make her ex do the same thing. It's a much healthier relationship for the children to see that their parents care enough about them to put aside their differences instead of having to choose a parent to celebrate with.
You are 100000% wrong here. It was her DAUGHTER'S birthday. As her father he SHOULD have been invited and you have no right to be upset about it. The other stuff was wrong on her part, but you can't go to the other extreme. If you are going to be with her or any other woman you are going to have to share. And there are ALWAYS going to be events that she has to share the children, birthdays are a biggie. The holidays, graduations, school plays and other "parent events".
Not running to the rescue when he's broke or his truck is broken down is one thing but "parent events" are another. Just because you choose to be a part time father who forces his children to have two events doesn't mean that she should make her ex do the same thing. It's a much healthier relationship for the children to see that their parents care enough about them to put aside their differences instead of having to choose a parent to celebrate with.
Can you read? We broke up. And it wasnt her daughters birthday party. Thats friday. And she can do what she wants. But I choose not to be a part of it. And I know for a fact that me and my ex having seperate parties is better for my son. He gets excited everytime we do anything together thinking that we have a chance to get back together and he is crushed everytime we dont. So Ill have to disagree with you.
Anyway thanks again everyone. I have too many options to deal with drama. Id rather be alone. There are way too many women out there to settle.
The fact that you guys broke up highlights why boyfriends and girlfriends should not have any say in these types of families. People come and go. The parents are the one's that remain. I'm not sure why parents introduce their children to the people they date. Imo, that shouldn't happen unless marriage is clearly in the picture.
No it was not her birthday celebration. Her party isnt until friday. It was taking her to eat. And Im going to have to totally disagree anyway.
WE are in a realtionship not THEM. So yes I have a say. I for one am against even joint parties. I think playing family is not good for children. I think that black and white boundaries are. Thats just me. I especially think that just them two and the kids going to eat is wrong. He gets them every two days. HE can take them to eat on his own time.
NO, YOU HAVE NO SAY IN THE KIDS' RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR DAD. That's between the kids, dad, and mom. THAT IS NOT YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
Wow... you have serious problems if you think the kids shouldn't be allowed to have a meal with both parents. There IS something wrong with you. Who the h3ll are you to determine how the parents raise these 2 kids? Who the h3ll are you to make any decision when it comes to the kids? You are NOTHING but the current squeeze.
And she gave you a key to her house? So, what do you intend to do with that? Come by and make sure he's not in the house with his kids? You honestly believe the kids shouldn't see their dad other than the designated days he has them? You can't be that ignorant, selfish, and insecure. So, what's going to happen when one of the kids has an event that's not on daddy's day? Are you not going to allow him to be there? Are you going to stomp your feet and have a tantrum?
YOU ARE DETRIMENTAL TO THE POTENTIALLY SOMEWHAT NORMAL LIFE THESE KIDS COULD HAVE WITH THEIR PARENTS.
Their mother is making a huge mistake. And the kids will eventually resent you (if they already don't) and their mother (eventually).
You need to either grow up or step aside. YOU ARE NOBODY to be making these demands.
Ameribull, it seems to me that some of the issues are yours. You seem overly-concerned with her ex (and, you said, those of your other girlfriends).
She is a mother with children. They are going to be her priority. I'm not sure from what you said about interaction with your ex/children that you have the same values. If this is a conflict in values, quit torturing yourself with an unhealthy relationship. It seems you are jealous and annoyed with things that would not bother someone who was confident with their relationship. But you have no say in how she chooses to raise her children. This reads to me like an extreme need to control and jealousy. Sorry, just my opinion.
That about sums it up.
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