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Some people really are just inherently liars. My wife is, most unfortunately, one of them. The reason liars lie is USUALLY for the same reason your cheater was lying: Because they're doing something they believe the other party would not approve of, they fear to be open about it (in some cases why WOULD they be open?) and so they invent justifications and scenarios to cover themselves.
The thing about lying is it's habit forming. It's not just a way of speaking, it's a way of thinking, and as one becomes adept at it that manner of thinking moves to the forefront of the consciousness, much like training the arm to block a blow -- with enough practice it becomes automatic.
The way I began to tone down my wife's lying (it's not cured and likely will never be cured, but it's been helped some) is to confront her logically and directly, to point out the lie, to point out the damage caused by the lie (specifically, so as to leave no doubt or wiggle-room for justification) and then to point out the lack of NEED for lying.
In my case I pointed out her lying to me about money she's spent as futile (since I can check the bank statements) and SILLY since she's a grown woman who actually earns the larger portion of household income, so she's entitled to spend some money here and there -- just TELL me about it so I can put it in the books rather than hiding it so we get nasty surprises from the bank! I pointed out the thousands (yes, THOUSANDS) of dollars we'd lost in overdraft fees because she refused to act responsibly. I even listed all the items we're supposed to be saving for and showed her how those were paid for at least three times over by the money LOST thusly. I finally said "Do you know how far ahead of the game we'd be if you worked WITH me instead of acting like I'm the enemy?"
Maybe your wife has more a compulsive spending problem and lies to hide that - but that isn't like some liars are.
The really bad liars lie about everything. They'll lie when there is no reason to lie at all. They'll lie about a big party they went to and lie about who was there. They'll lie about where they bought their clothes, who they saw at the store.
My kid was telling me about some people he had made friends with and he found out they were all just liars. He was saying how sick they were - how they lied about this and lied about that - I pointed out that he had lied to me on occasion and he said "but that's different, I had a good reason to lie, but these people lie when there is no reason". Lying to get out of trouble might be a little different than what some liars do.
Long story, shortened: We went together 4 years. He cheated, but worse lied to me over & over again about what he was doing, why it happened, blah blah. I took the blame becuz I loved him so much.
Second time caught him "before" the act. Again more lies. He did it "to get my attention". Huh.
So, broke off about 6 months ago and tried to remain friends. He kept feeding me this line of BS about me being his soul mate, more blah blah. So now I find out - not by him telling me, mind you - but by someone else that he has been seeing this someone for close to a freakin' year!
I told him repeatedly that as friends, he could tell me anything and I wouldn't judge. He tells me lies, and lies of omission.
I had enough and cut off all ties. What now happens to me is that "our" friends who are obviously his now tell me how miserable he is, and so sad. I can't feel sorry for him, but I am not telling these people what he did - it's no one's business. But I know too he has lied to them about he and I and his other relationships.
I am out of his life, but would like those who are still his friends to help him stop lying. He's going to destroy himself. And yes - I do love him and want the best for him, just not at my expense. How does someone stop lying?
The real problem is he is a cheater and the soul mate thing was just his way of conning you. For cheaters it's all a big game. A game of conquest. He won you over by lying, but once he had you, he moved onto others by lying to them. Now you're out of the game and he's lying to win you back over. As soon as you're part of the conquested again, he'll just repeat it all. He's incapable of committment - he can't love anyone.
You're getting some good advice here. Lying is a character trait that is deeply engrained in one's personality and you just can't make it go away. Instead of trying to help them stop you're much better off to just move on with your life and forget them.
Stop thinking about him or trying to help him. You are done with him right? What do you care if he never tells the truth another day in his life. Move on, get distracted with something else and thank your lucky stars every day you dodged the bullet of marrying or having kids with the loser.
Hate to break it to you, but his friends may be on the way to being just as emotionally dishonest and manipulative as he is. Since it would be "blind leading the blind" the hope of change is rather slight in the friends scenario you present here.
If he really is out of your life, just diligently love and pray for him at a distance. It sounds like you care for him a great deal, but have discovered that to continue in a relationship with him with hurt you, more and more. While you're at it, say a prayer of gratitude that you were smart enough to catch on and get out.
Some people just lie.
To cover their butts, to make themselves look better or just for the heck of it. Some people convince themselves its not even a lie.
My SO's ex is a huge liar. I honestly believe she doesnt think she is lying. In "her" world its true. She has lied to police, lawyers, judges, my ex and everyone in between.
Thanks all. Yes, I'm done with him and yes still love him. I know he's no good for me, maybe no good for any woman. He's not a young kid (nearly 50) so this lying stuff should be over with, right? I mean, what good is it doing him? I guess if he hasn't stopped or realized how hurtful it is by now, he never will.
People lie for any number of reasons, but it typically boils down to fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being caught, fear of punishment, fear of hurting someone, fear of looking foolish or unpopular etc. Compulsive liars often don't change. Some of them lie so much they start to believe their own bullshyt. They can rationalize just about anything to seem right in their own mind.
There are cases where spouses will lie (typically women) to their S.O. out of intimidation. They are married to bullies or short tempered men and they are so thoroughly intimidated they resort to lying often just to avoid conflict, criticism, verbal abuse, or worse--again, that goes back to fear. I don't think this is the case with the OP because it doesn't sound as though she was intimidating, this guy just sounds like a compulsive liar, manipulator type. Selfish and insincere, only sorry when they get caught. You're better off without him.
Long story, shortened: We went together 4 years. He cheated, but worse lied to me over & over again about what he was doing, why it happened, blah blah. I took the blame becuz I loved him so much.
Second time caught him "before" the act. Again more lies. He did it "to get my attention". Huh.
So, broke off about 6 months ago and tried to remain friends. He kept feeding me this line of BS about me being his soul mate, more blah blah. So now I find out - not by him telling me, mind you - but by someone else that he has been seeing this someone for close to a freakin' year!
I told him repeatedly that as friends, he could tell me anything and I wouldn't judge. He tells me lies, and lies of omission.
I had enough and cut off all ties. What now happens to me is that "our" friends who are obviously his now tell me how miserable he is, and so sad. I can't feel sorry for him, but I am not telling these people what he did - it's no one's business. But I know too he has lied to them about he and I and his other relationships.
I am out of his life, but would like those who are still his friends to help him stop lying. He's going to destroy himself. And yes - I do love him and want the best for him, just not at my expense. How does someone stop lying?
Make new friends, and avoid all the drama and conflict...end of story~
If this is not possible, then just avoid the mutual friends..
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