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Long story, shortened: We went together 4 years. He cheated, but worse lied to me over & over again about what he was doing, why it happened, blah blah. I took the blame becuz I loved him so much.
Second time caught him "before" the act. Again more lies. He did it "to get my attention". Huh.
So, broke off about 6 months ago and tried to remain friends. He kept feeding me this line of BS about me being his soul mate, more blah blah. So now I find out - not by him telling me, mind you - but by someone else that he has been seeing this someone for close to a freakin' year!
I told him repeatedly that as friends, he could tell me anything and I wouldn't judge. He tells me lies, and lies of omission.
I had enough and cut off all ties. What now happens to me is that "our" friends who are obviously his now tell me how miserable he is, and so sad. I can't feel sorry for him, but I am not telling these people what he did - it's no one's business. But I know too he has lied to them about he and I and his other relationships.
I am out of his life, but would like those who are still his friends to help him stop lying. He's going to destroy himself. And yes - I do love him and want the best for him, just not at my expense. How does someone stop lying?
I don't think there is anything his friends can do other than quit being his friend. Then maybe one day he'll realize he has no friends and decide to cut out the lies. Though I am skeptical even that would work, because most people will just continue lying to themselves and never accept the fact that it is their own behavior (and not everyone else in the world) that needs to change.
People can only change their OWN behavior; other people can't do it for them.
Your focus right now should be directed towards making yourSELF whole again after wasting four years of your life on a compulsive liar and cheater. To heck with what these mutual friends are saying or thinking. You're right, it's none of their business and if they bring him up as a topic of conversation just tell them you have no wish to discuss it or him, and change the subject to something else.
Better yet, start doing something new, take up some new interests and widen your circle of friends. A new hobby, a sport, volunteer work - the world is your oyster so stop worrying about what El Jerk and his friends are doing and get out there to find yourself. Good luck!!!
It could be a pathological thing , just part of his brain that is over active. When put on the spot most of us need a few seconds to come up with a lie, these people can concoct a big lie with out missing a beat. I have known a a couple of these people , they don't seem to lose face when caught in a lie.
Your question seems to have less to do with a liar (although that IS a large part of it) than with a cheater mentality which is clingy.
As a cheater (and apparently a chronic one) this individual will always have a NEED to lie because he'll always be trying to cover his arse. There's really no way around that for him, so it will always be present.
As for the LIAR aspect of it...
Some people really are just inherently liars. My wife is, most unfortunately, one of them. The reason liars lie is USUALLY for the same reason your cheater was lying: Because they're doing something they believe the other party would not approve of, they fear to be open about it (in some cases why WOULD they be open?) and so they invent justifications and scenarios to cover themselves.
The thing about lying is it's habit forming. It's not just a way of speaking, it's a way of thinking, and as one becomes adept at it that manner of thinking moves to the forefront of the consciousness, much like training the arm to block a blow -- with enough practice it becomes automatic.
The way I began to tone down my wife's lying (it's not cured and likely will never be cured, but it's been helped some) is to confront her logically and directly, to point out the lie, to point out the damage caused by the lie (specifically, so as to leave no doubt or wiggle-room for justification) and then to point out the lack of NEED for lying.
In my case I pointed out her lying to me about money she's spent as futile (since I can check the bank statements) and SILLY since she's a grown woman who actually earns the larger portion of household income, so she's entitled to spend some money here and there -- just TELL me about it so I can put it in the books rather than hiding it so we get nasty surprises from the bank! I pointed out the thousands (yes, THOUSANDS) of dollars we'd lost in overdraft fees because she refused to act responsibly. I even listed all the items we're supposed to be saving for and showed her how those were paid for at least three times over by the money LOST thusly. I finally said "Do you know how far ahead of the game we'd be if you worked WITH me instead of acting like I'm the enemy?"
In your case I'd point out some of the most egregious, blatant lies your "friend" has told you and point-blank ask: Do you think I'm stupid? I'd point out the damage done (the relationship ending, his alleged misery), I'd point out that NONE of that had to happen.
I wouldn't, however, take the ******* back; that's just asking for trouble.
In your case I'd point out some of the most egregious, blatant lies your "friend" has told you and point-blank ask: Do you think I'm stupid? I'd point out the damage done (the relationship ending, his alleged misery), I'd point out that NONE of that had to happen.
I wouldn't, however, take the ******* back; that's just asking for trouble.
Unlike your case history in which you're married to the compulsive liar and are staying around to deal with it and correct it to a point that you can cope with, the OP isn't married to this man so why would you even suggest that she expend any more time and effort in attempting to "help" him. Surely four years of wasted time and effort is enough and she needs to get out, make some changes in her life to regain her self-esteem and self-worth and get on with life rather than investing any more time and energy in what has proven a hopeless cause?
Maybe you latched on to the comment she made about still loving him? I saw there was a big BUT involved with that. She still loves him enough to care about him and be concerned about him but obviously not to the point of throwing herself under the bus to try and change him. Cheers!
I find it actually pretty funny that he hasn't found somebody else to be with since you cut ties with him. It doesn't seem hard for him to locate anyone else when you're with him. So he only "cheats" when he's with another person?
Only he can find it within himself not to lie and cheat. It comes with age and maturity. Don't you worry about helping him - you help yourself first.
He'll change only when he's uncomfortable enough and only when he can't stand himself or the way he feels.
You can't and you need to move on. Don't worry about him, he needs to be past tense.
You can only fix yourself and try to figure out why you would have been attracted to a liar and cheater.
People who lie are con artists who get away with it for so long, and often they lie to themselves and believe their own lies. When someone won't put up with the lying, they'll find new people who do.
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