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You didn't mention driving on your list, but that is the only thing I would be concerned about at this point - and you can impact that by filing a form with the DMV saying you suspect they are unsafe. Then they need to come in and take a tests. Or you can call his doctor with your concerns.
If you get to decide how to spend your life and what sacrifices to make, and for whom. Just like your father-in-law. Sounds like he would not take care of either one of you, so why the guilt?
My husband is the only one. I don't know if guilty is the right word - I think it's more like caring about someone and in this case, it's my FIL. I found my mom on the floor one time after she fell and I just have visions of that with my FIL. I don't wish that on anyone.
The driving thing has just become an issue. He only drives around his immediate neighborhood. We just found out his license has been expired for over 6 months and that he failed the eye test. He says his eyes are fine.
He does have an eye visit scheduled. We plan to make that call. He has a slight dent in the front of the car but can't remember what it's from. This is a great concern for me.
I want his last years to be happy ones. My husband does as well but feels very alone. I mean, he has me but I didn't live his childhood.
This thread did resonate, as I went through this with my own mom.
She'd had a series of small strokes that left her increasingly frail and vulnerable. At first, it was like a light went out in her soul. I grieved losing her before she died.
Driving was an issue; in other than full light, she actually could not see. Her judgment was impaired.
The thing upthread about "What if she hit a child?"... A relative called and screamed that at me over and over.
My mom held tightly to her independence; she was 87.
The sad thing was that at the end, my mom would not even speak to me.
Rather than the intelligent, kind person she had been, my final recollection is this wacky stubborn troublesome old lady.
She's been gone a while, I still miss her.
Told my own kids: if that ever happens to me...
I know, my friends, it's a long, sad road for many of us. I think with the advancements they've made in medicine for pro-longing life, they never took additional research funds to figure out who would be looking after/or responsible for all these millions of people, nor thought to put together a focus group on what the requirements of caregivers would be - and what stress becoming a caregiver would have on that individual in both terms of physical and mental stress.
Since we all seem to be children of the generation born in the 1920's and 1930's, I would think we all have similiar tales to tell of the difficulties of getting them to a doctor, getting them to realize that St. Peter will not be waiting at the Pearly Gates with some trophy for them for taking NO medicine for the prior 50 or 60 years. They are a group who will NOT have a stranger come into the house - even if you want to call her a Home Help. They need no help, there is nothing wrong with their cooking or housekeeping skills and the preferred temperature for the house is what I like to think is the daily average in the Amazon Jungle. At one point while I was staying with them, I had all but accepted that I was starting early menopause due to the hot flashes (wooo!!!) and the sweat dripping off me. That was until I got back to my own place for a couple days and realized no more hot flashes! Sheesh!!!!
Bette, after reading a couple of your posts above about what you did with your Mom, I had a thought. Is there ANY chance that your FIL would know any of the men patients at one of those elder care facilities that you know of? If so, I was thinking that him and his son could make a little afternoon of going to visit old Whoever, catch-up on old times, have a couple drinks, have Old Whoever take the 2 of them for a walking tour of the place. Then say buh-bye and make sure the two old guys make arrangements to get together again the following week. You never know what might come out of it.
If it means anything to you, you'll be in my prayers tonight that you'll be granted an easier road to travel. The three of you. And Bette, whatever he says to you, realize one thing: He knows he is forgetting things, and he knows he is not keeping up to his normal routine. It's those things that are making him cranky. Not you or his son. It's his own frustration at himself - in not being who he once was. Not being the ultimate guy to call the shots. And remember that with all this time alone, the only things he has to keep him company are memories and regrets. Without a doubt, and in his own way, he is acting out on those old frustrations.
The tables do indeed turn and it takes a bigger person to put all the passed boo-boo's away. From your OP it sounded like your FIL was like my Dad when they were younger. Not the easiest people to be around. And now, when they MOST need someone, guess who the only one left standing is? Yep, the former victim. Trust me - it's a lot to wrap your mind around. It must be worse for them.
Anyway, I've blathered on enough. Please know from the amount of posts you have received on this thread that you are VERY far from being alone in this situation. And we'll all get through it too. Afterall, aren't we made of the same strong stuff they were made of!!!
I am sorry for those of you who are experiencing this with your relatives. Hope all works out.
I have not had to see any of this myself at least not yet. My grandparents were more or less healthy until a short time before they passed. They were not taking a lot of medications so that may be a factor for some of the behaviors that posters have mentioned. I have noticed many of the behaviors on your list occuring in some people beginning around 40 plus years old like forgetting, misplacing items, afternoon napping at work, messy homes, hoarding, etc etc.
Does anyone really look forward to advanced age after reading this thread???
.......and the preferred temperature for the house is what I like to think is the daily average in the Amazon Jungle. At one point while I was staying with them, I had all but accepted that I was starting early menopause due to the hot flashes (wooo!!!) and the sweat dripping off me. That was until I got back to my own place for a couple days and realized no more hot flashes! Sheesh!!!!
This made me laugh. When I used to go over to my father's house to check on him and clean up the house..........I always kept a pair of shorts and a tank top there to change into.
On another note, I would be careful of involving the authorities of any kind unless you are willing to give up control of what happens with your elderly loved ones. They can force you to take steps that you may not feel are needed. Once you get them involved, they will be calling the shots, not you.
[quote=CAM2;18471894]I am sorry for those of you who are experiencing this with your relatives. Hope all works out.
I have not had to see any of this myself at least not yet. My grandparents were more or less healthy until a short time before they passed. They were not taking a lot of medications so that may be a factor for some of the behaviors that posters have mentioned. I have noticed many of the behaviors on your list occuring in some people beginning around 40 plus years old like forgetting, misplacing items, afternoon napping at work, messy homes, hoarding, etc etc.
Does anyone really look forward to advanced age after reading this thread???[/quote]
NO! I have watched this play out too many times. I pray everyday that once I am unable to care for myself........that I quickly die.
I know, my friends, it's a long, sad road for many of us. Bette, after reading a couple of your posts above about what you did with your Mom, I had a thought. Is there ANY chance that your FIL would know any of the men patients at one of those elder care facilities that you know of? If so, I was thinking that him and his son could make a little afternoon of going to visit old Whoever, catch-up on old times, have a couple drinks, have Old Whoever take the 2 of them for a walking tour of the place. Then say buh-bye and make sure the two old guys make arrangements to get together again the following week. You never know what might come out of it.
Anyway, I've blathered on enough. Please know from the amount of posts you have received on this thread that you are VERY far from being alone in this situation. And we'll all get through it too. Afterall, aren't we made of the same strong stuff they were made of!!!
The problem with my FIL is that he had/has no friends. Nada. Eccentric. A loner. When my dad was alive and we got the 2 sets of parents together, it was great. They actually enjoyed each other but my dad is now gone 11 years. I thought of this idea also and was just my husband about if we could find old buddies from the Navy (served in WW II and Korea). Apparently, there were none.
With all being said, I think if he could visit one of the centers and spend some time there, he'd love the companionship but...I'm fighting a losing battle and it is good to feel we are not alone. Thanks.
heck, who wouldn't fight tooth and nail to go into a nursing home. Unless you have ALOT of money and can go into a fancy one, they are awful. Everybody knows this and wants to stay in their own homes, that is only natural. I sure would.
It's a tough situation, but I would agree that taking the car keys away is the most important step right now, because he is a danger to himself and others on the road no matter how close to home. All you can do is try your best and pray for strength.
My dad was in a nursing home for 8 years so I know how difficult it is, but we had no choice because he had such a severe stroke but survived. There was much more guilt about having him there, at least for me.
Last edited by loveautumn; 03-28-2011 at 03:32 PM..
Reason: add wording
Some of the assisted living places near us are truly very nice and he can afford it.
We're fine with him staying in his home, however, the conditions are poor as to the cleanliness and he REFUSES to have anyone enter the home except us.
He LETS my husband cut his grass and watches him do it.
It just makes me so sad that he is going to be living like this.
His sister has told us she will NOT return unless he changes his ways and I do not blame her. Even her daughter agrees.
I think my husband feels - well, let him eat his crappy 30 day old food, sleep on dirty sheets, etc. Ugh! It just grosses me out; I can't even walk in the house - it smells anyway but now I know more details!!
I think his sister's side of the family is also just throwing up their hands and giving up. They've been involved for almost 8 years and it's affecting their lives as well and they're in Pittsburgh.
I'm not one who checks for dust everywhere but I clean our home and if it gets to be too much, I get help and that $80 is so well spent.
[quote=imcurious;18463156]You didn't mention driving on your list, but that is the only thing I would be concerned about at this point - and you can impact that by filing a form with the DMV saying you suspect they are unsafe. Then they need to come in and take a tests. Or you can call his doctor with your concerns.
My mother died 29 years ago, but before she did she went legally blind due to diabetes. She went to the MA registry of motor vehicles to turn in her license, They told her to take the eye test.
She was legally blind because of holes in her retina so she could see somethings by moving her eyes around, so for the test she was able to move her eyes enough so she could find the letter past a hole. So the Registry in their infinite wisdom gave a person declared legally blind receiving disablity for blindness a NEW license.
she got home and told me and I said what if you are driving and a child runs out right into one of the HOLES in your sight?
I called the DMV and went ballistic on them I then wrote the State Registrar.
My father took my mother back to the registry the next day and she turned in the license and got an ID instead.
So calling in help is not always the answer.
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Assisted Living
