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Curm asked DW who had been trying to access his computer in his absence. DW said no one. Curm said he knew someone had been on the computer, probably SD. Discussion escalated into an argument and DW, in anger, lashed out with "I want a divorce."
I don't think she means it. However, she is torn between loyalty to SD, guilt she probably feels for any neglect SD suffered while growing up, responsibility for the mess SD has made of her life, and considers this her chance for a do-over, make it up to SD for poor choice of father, to mend fences with SD, and help her grandchildren. Regrettably, in the process, DW is irreparably damaging her own future, at a time in life when a woman can't afford to make these kinds of mistakes.
On the other hand, Curm did not just fall off the turnip truck. He has lived all over the world, had to be very adaptable at an early age, and pays very close attention to what is going on around him. He saw the handwriting on the wall when SD became homeless. Over the years he and DW have bailed out SD and progeny often.
So, Curm has been setting boundaries, because he doesn't want a temporary situation to become a permanent situation. Wife, on the other hand, has torn loyalties. It all came to a head yesterday.
If, sadly, this becomes a fait accompli, DW will pay a heavy price. I think Curm, although hurt and angry, will do much better. He is an old soldier and, first and foremost, a survivor.
If DW is on her own, can she survivie? From a female point of view - you say your needs are minimal - how about hers?
When is the last time you did something for her? Overnight trip? Not just making things about every little penny but - well, you may know what I mean.
Was her idea of a quiet, comfortable, serene retirement the same as yours?
Was SD always trying to break you both up? (Childish after a point).
Really sorry to hear this.
PS - If it doesn't work out, you can get a Sheltie again - my two truly are my best buds (other than hubster).
My goodness. So many helpful and caring posts. How to respond? I choose to do so in this manner because Bette brought up a valid point one that others have touched on. That being whether or not wife can survive on her own. Should that really be a concern of mine? Yes, to a reasonable degree. We've been married 15 years and were friends for five years before that. She has some physical and mental deficits that have resulted in me taking a leading role in just about everything so obviously, without me, she'd have to take her own lead. But she's an adult and should be capable of doing so. If not, to what degree do she and her welfare remain my obligation?
Bette, one thing she's always said about me is that I'm the most considerate person she's ever met - not just of her but of everyone else as well. Guess my Mama raised me up right and somehow made a gentleman of me. But I certainly have my own faults and deficits and it is these she seems to be wanting to dwell upon at the moment.
I do think that SD's presence is a major factor as our lives were quite pleasant and uncomplicated until she hove-to on the horizon. The two seem to be in league at the moment and any loyalty toward me apparently has evaporated. Ergo, a huge trust issue that I doubt could be overcome.
Insofar as "things" are concerned, it becomes complicated only because of the house. I have no idea whether or not she would want or be able to maintain it. I don't really care to (easy come, easy go) but I certainly wouldn't want to force her out, either. However, she'd have to pay her fair share of the mortgage and I would retain my share of ownership. Now is not a great time to try to sell. On the other hand, I could simply walk away from it and leave it to her and, by proximity, likely her daughter as well for so long as they could keep it up. Wife does have her own income - pension and Social Security - as well as her own medical and dental coverage. Those go a long way on the independence scale in these economic times. I have the same coverages independent of hers.
As I've said before, my needs are minimal and I'm not emotionally attached to much of anything at this stage of the game. Give me the car (she can't drive it) my clothing and the contents of my man cave (office/den) and I will be perfectly fine. Anything else I might need I can acquire over time.
So that's where I am at the moment, subject to change and adjustment as this plays out, no doubt. But I do consider the marriage irretrievably broken. Perhaps it wouldn't be so without SD's presence and faux support of her mother but it's a factor that wife does not seem to have the strength to comprehend and certainly not address and do something about. Besides, now they're drinking buddies now and that's a trip to nowhere. I got off at the first stop. Anyway, there is a real trust issue here and that's difficult if not impossible to heal. By the way, SD has always seen me as a threat to her ability to control and ride herd on her mother and dislikes me intensely. I've been onto her since day-one and she knows it. Getting me out of the way fits right into her plans. If her mother doesn't care, why should I?
Bottom line, the reality is that if it were to come down to a head-to-head, nose-to-nose confrontation between SD and me, wife would take her daughter's side regardless of its merits or lack thereof. She's said as much in so many words. That's unacceptable.
Crum,
I found myself in a 30 + year relationship and realized that life isn't like a football season ,I cant do it different next season,I got legal separation and turned the titles to all property over to her,except my pick up and a trailer full of tools and left . by staying married she could retire at 60 rather than 66 (this along with 5 houses was the tool for a drama free split) I get my full pension she will get hers soon we get along great as long as we keep 500 miles between us!
I haven't ever regretted my decision.....there isn't any price that can buy me the happiness I have today!
Crum,
I found myself in a 30 + year relationship and realized that life isn't like a football season ,I cant do it different next season,I got legal separation and turned the titles to all property over to her,except my pick up and a trailer full of tools and left . by staying married she could retire at 60 rather than 66 (this along with 5 houses was the tool for a drama free split) I get my full pension she will get hers soon we get along great as long as we keep 500 miles between us!
I haven't ever regretted my decision.....there isn't any price that can buy me the happiness I have today!
Glad it turned out so well for you. I may be in for a bit of a battle but that's OK. This old soldier knows how to choose his wisely!
I went home last night and Curm, you and your family are in my prayers.
My heart is so heavy for those 2 little boys 6 and 8. They need a role model so desperately.
Why don't you go light on DW for a week or so - just pretend the situation isn't there and devote your time to these boys? I am so concerned about them.
As a mother myself, I can understand. Torn is an understatement.
When our daughter comes home for a visit (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, couple of other times), she's very loud and kind of takes over the house. I kind of welcome it b/c it takes me back to her high school days - lots of activity throughout but it takes hubster a couple of days to adjust.
I have a feeling the argument escalated and there were a lot of words without thinking it through. Fight for your serenity, your marriage but perhaps if you and DW got away from the situation for a night or two just to relax (no pressure), she might show a different side.
I have a feeling the argument escalated and there were a lot of words without thinking it through. Fight for your serenity, your marriage but perhaps if you and DW got away from the situation for a night or two just to relax (no pressure), she might show a different side.
Checking in on Curmudgeon's life this morning, as I read this I see some sense in it. I think that the women following the story have a hard time comprehending the turn of events. If the marital unhappiness has been festering for some time now, and the SD arriving with her kids fiasco just pushed everything into focus, that's one thing and quite understandable. No shock factor there.
But if as dear Curmudgeon says, things were relatively (to any extent any marriage can be) stable and secure and happy, in a place they both love, and in rides the SD with all her issues and within the space of a month or two manages to turn her mother away from the marriage, that's another thing altogether. Based on C's latest post, the mother (surprisingly to us women readers) is not so strong mentally that she can be easily swayed, at this late stage in life, to give up the best thing she's probably ever had--a committed, loving husband who even cooks and shops, takes care of the household, etc., and an owned home for the first time in her life. Wow, does she have any idea whatsoever what she is in for on her own??? especially with grown daughter who will probably leave her high and dry whenever she can or wants to? And two little kids that need to be clothed, fed, and looked after in every respect??
Curmudgeon, even if he's not the model of perfection (and who the heck is, anyway) is the one who stands to benefit from the separation or divorce if it comes to that. The wife is, imo, either really naive or off her rocker. The kids are the ones who are the losers, so very unfortunately.
But Bette, if this whole thing was triggered by the SD, your idea to take a break together as a couple is good. Why not, even if divorce is likely, just take a day trip alone, and talk things over rationally without the wicked SD (that's a twist) and clear the air? See what might be salvageable if anything. Try to examine how the SD has upset the pleasant existence they had, and see if there's way to work through it. That is, assuming DW has the mental strength and chutzpah to do this.
IF NOT....Curmdudgeon---don't let on to anyone in those parts that you cook and shop and take care of things---you'll find ladies with apple pies and hot casseroles on your doorstep in no time.
But in all seriousness, this is a strange situation indeed.
IF NOT....Curmdudgeon---don't let on to anyone in those parts that you cook and shop and take care of things---you'll find ladies with apple pies and hot casseroles on your doorstep in no time.
But in all seriousness, this is a strange situation indeed.
LOL! Line forms at the rear. Memo to Self: Move and don't say where. The prospect makes becoming a monk all the more inviting.
I fear my woman-picker is flawed so I'll be avoiding that eventuality at all costs. After all I'm on the cusp of being a two-time loser. Ain't no goin' fer third time's the charm. Besides, I just don't have the energy anymore and an uncluttered life is looking real good.
May try the "let's go somewhere and talk" thing. Worth a try but that's about as far as I'm willing to go to see if there's anything salvageable. Don't have the emotional energy any longer either.
in the midst of much advice being offered here, i still want to emphasize the very real possibility that the extreme and what seems to be impulsive behavior on the part of your wife almost certainly is related to her bi-polar diagnosis. if you've lived together for 15 years, you have to know that extremes are a typical response from someone with bi-polar to a chaotic, unstable situation. stability and continuity are everything to a person with bi-polar if they want to maintain mental health. her current behavior may be a manifestation of her brand of "manic" behavior. i guess i would wonder if she has missed meds, gone off meds or do her current meds need to be tweaked in response to additional stress in her life?
obviously nobody but you and your wife knows if issues in your marriage were brewing before the arrival of daughter and company. if so, their arrival may have brought latent problems to the surface. if this is the case, only you can decide the next step. but if the conversation your wife is having with you is essentially what i term a bi-polar conversation, then it is the illness talking,not your wife, and the ramifications of permanent decision making on this basis, in my opinion, needs to be seriously considered.
again, my opinion; your call.
catsy girl
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After I wrote the post....
especially with grown daughter who will probably leave her high and dry whenever she can or wants to? And two little kids that need to be clothed, fed, and looked after in every respect??
