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There's an interesting article on death and dying alone on the front page of the Sunday New York Times today which is causing a lot of interest. For those who are interested:
I read this article in the NYT early this morning. The truth is, although this article focuses on those who live alone and happen to be loner types with no contactable family, many of us will not be "surrounded by loving family" at death, as so many obits state.
Even if we're partnered/married, one in each couple is going to end up without the other, probably alone without other family members living with us. Even if one has adult kids, how often do they check up on their aging parents to see if they're still alive and well? Even if it's twice-a-month contact, there's easily a couple of weeks before anyone can know that a person living alone has died. In those cases, the person ends up much like George Bell after death.
That article, and the memorial service for my MIL earlier today, have gotten me more determined to plan my end days and procedure at and after death. Of course, we can plan all we want and things can end up quite differently, but I'll feel better having the best plan I can put together in place, with copies to everyone in my family. First stop, cremation services...prepaid. Then, putting together my own service with what will be on display. Or not. Maybe a pizza party on the beach and a campfire with my kids recounting what a challenging mother I was, lol. Maybe some fond memories too (?)
My perspective is that if you want something, you plan and pay for it. If you die and have not taken care of any funeral arrangements, it is totally up to the those left to decide on what they want to pay for. If anyone has specific demands, then they can pay for it. If the aunt or other relative wants a fancy and expensive ceremony, they can pay for it.
I agree 100%. Cremation is a far better solution than embalming and if you are left to decide, go for the most sensible option.
Embalming only became 'traditional' about 125 years ago. It was heavily marketed by those who gained profit from it. The process itself is completely unnatural and quite disgusting. Bodies might look 'natural' in the casket at the funeral, but quickly grow disgusting in the grave. I have no idea why anyone would want that.
If cremation doesn't suit, look into natural burials...also much more normal than embalming,.
So these people are our parents, and the grandparents of our kids and their spouses.
Generally they are in their 80's somewhere, and approaching 90.
There are quite a few of them. Half a dozen or so. As far as I can tell most of them have given no previous thought as as to how the end of their lives should be handled. They have lurched into the end without a plan.
They are in and out of hospitals. They are in care and out of care. They have no money and no resources. They are all at the end of life and we are trying to figure how to deal with it, and with so many of them all at once.
And if I may be frank, the burial costs alone for these many people, I have no idea how it will be paid for - we're still on the hook for our kids student loans!
Some of our kids are failing as well. 40 years old, and on second and third husbands/wives, numerous children, dead broke, half lifetime of bad decisions taking its toll.
So we wish for all of our family members to be cared for in a respectful way.
We cannot save this many people.
I feel trapped and unable to sort through what we can do and what we cannot do. We are just regular working Americans witnessing several generations going down all at once, en masse.
I am feeling paralyzed by the scope of the need. Prioritization is necessary. I can't figure it out.
Anybody willing to proffer some insight?
OP, I feel your pain. It is so hard to prioritize and meet everyone's needs. and I'm willing to bet that none of them will take practical advice like: Downsize! move into assisted living! Get an in home care provider! Sell that house to pay for your own care! They'll fight you every step of the way.
In your shoes I would be dreaming of schemes to put them all in the one house that was paid for, hire round the clock care for your family care home (cheaper than putting them all in assisted living or nursing homes) then sell off the rest of their stuff/houses to pay for their care.
As far as prioritizing, I would tell your youngins that this is their wake up call...you will be spending the next 10 years caring for your elders as you expect to be cared for when it is your turn and they need to take this tough love opportunity to get their acts together and take care of themselves for a while.
You will need to set some boundaries for yourself, mentally, physically, emotionally. Take advantage of the resources your community provides and hunt down every possible thread for assistance of any kind.
And consider this...my grandmother was in the middle of 10 kids. My mother took responsibility for caring for her elders as they declined...arranging health care, cleaning out houses for sale, managing estate paperwork. It started when I was ten, and due to their 15 year span of ages, and various states of health, it was 30 years before the last one was buried and her estate was settled. My mom went straight from caring for them to caring for my dad, and has quickly declined herself. I'd be surprised if my folks last another 2-3 years, they are so worn out.
So it's my turn to be frank, maybe the fact that yours are all going down at once will be a blessing for you in the long run.
Although I am choosing cremation, we chose embalming for my sister, brother & our mother because people had to travel to be there & everyone wanted to say their last goodbyes. Afterwards, all 3 were cremated but those of us who had money (not me) decided to spend the extra so people could have their goodbyes. For mom, 2 brothers arrived just hours too late and it was important to them to see her as she had been.
I consider funeral nonsense to be expensive caskets when a pine box is fine, open casket at a funeral for everyone, not just the family, to see, and embalming.
There's an interesting article on death and dying alone on the front page of the Sunday New York Times today which is causing a lot of interest. For those who are interested:
It's not so much the funeral arrangements that are wearing down a lot of us in the sandwich generation, it's that we are bailing out our kids as well as our parents.
The folks don't make plans for when they are less able to care for themselves, so we are expected to drop everything and run over every time they need help with home repairs/maintenance. They fall and we're the ones racing around to doctor's offices and hospitals. We're supplementing their social security check because who knew a couple couldn't live on $1400/month.
^^^ Yep I'm doing the same thing. Although I am 55, my plans are screwed. Supporting ourselves, putting money aside to take care of us when we are older and now having to supplement my mom and paying high taxes to take care of a bunch of dead beats younger than us, more able than us but won't, yet we are not supposed to be p**sed.
Thanks for the article. Reminds of a Memorial Day, 2 yrs ago. I had a knock on door from several neighbors asking for help. For some reason they think working in a hospital makes one suitable to handle all types of situations. Seems an elderly man had not been seen for several days and outside his apt. the odor was rather unpleasant. One neighbor cut the chain lock and I went in to find him very dead. He was a German man and only had family in Germany. The police were called and they took over. Probably happens more than we think.
Thanks for the article. Reminds of a Memorial Day, 2 yrs ago. I had a knock on door from several neighbors asking for help. For some reason they think working in a hospital makes one suitable to handle all types of situations. Seems an elderly man had not been seen for several days and outside his apt. the odor was rather unpleasant. One neighbor cut the chain lock and I went in to find him very dead. He was a German man and only had family in Germany. The police were called and they took over. Probably happens more than we think.
Good for people who care enough to get involved, yourself included. But I think it would have been wiser if the involvement had taken the form of calling the police and letting the police cut the chain lock. That is their job. If (as unlikely as it perhaps was under the circumstances) there was someone inside alive, that someone could have thought you were breaking and entering and shot you.
I'm confused. I can't see how you are responsible for the care and burial of the parents of your brother-in-law's current wives. The wives and their families are responsible. These are not your immediate family. Your parents, and your husband's parents, are your immediate family. That's it as far as elderly people that I can see from your post. Your bothers-in-law and their wives aren't old enough for this to be a concern right now. They should take care of their own business, anyway, as well as your adult children. They are not even old yet (no older than you and your husband) so not sure why you are worried about them right now.
If you stop taking on burdens that are not yours, you will see that the people actually responsible will find a way to make it work. Somehow, everyone gets buried or cremated. They don't just toss the bodies of poor dead people in the local dump. Maybe you should make a call to a funeral home and ask them how they dispose of the remains of people who have no money to pay. I'm guessing there is some sort of protocol in place and this may give you some peace of mind.
If you want to donate some funds to the brother-in-laws wife's parents funerals, that would be kind of you. But certainly not your responsibility. And leave the arrangements, etc. up to their own kids.
This is not your row to hoe.
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