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Serious Conversation, I think you are much too hard on yourself. Everyone needs time to be an adolescent before being an adult; to have fun, to experiment, to learn who we are and what life has to offer.
In fact I'd offer the inverse of the OP's "regret". I was too rapid in my academic progression as a teen; skipping a grade, then graduating from college too soon. Always doggedly forging ahead, I was motivated less by scientific curiosity or the desire to create, than by filling squares, getting ahead, getting praised. In so rushing, one fails to internalize the subtleties of human interaction, becoming not so much introverted and aloof, as inept and bereft of "emotional intelligence". This produces a lifetime of difficulties. One such difficulty is in romantic relationships – which perhaps among all other comparable pursuits, must be done aggressively and promptly in one's youth, without delay. I don't advocate for neglecting one's education in favor of partying; or at least, not entirely. But as we get older, it becomes even harder to party than to study, because the latter can be done individually, while the former requires social-capital, which is much more problematic to create later in life, if one didn't suitably prepare while young.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sandsam
I don't feel like life has passed me by, but I look back and regret living for the future. I always expected "to arrive" one day - one day I would be married, one day I would have kids, one day I would get to be a stay at home mom, etc... Now all those things I was looking forward to behind me or never happened. I feel like I never lived in the moment and enjoyed what I had when I had it.
Indeed, I'd argue that the greatest regret is not about missed opportunities or a feeling of improper prioritization, but rather, a feeling of being trapped in perpetual planning for the future, without really being in the present. One ends up waiting and waiting, biding one's time in preparation and investment, in setting aside immediate enjoyments to hopefully facilitate greater ones, when one is more mature, more ready, more receptive. Does this time ever arrive? Aiming for the apex, we eventually find ourselves on the other side, obliviously having passed over it.
No, not at all. There have been periods and events in my seventy-seven years that I would have wished had been otherwise, but even during these times there were usually things that I enjoyed which helped balance out the picture. Bad things came and went, good things did the same...much of it in a rather chaotic fashion for several decades. But I don't feel life passed me by by any means.
It took quite a few years for me to realize that a very basic problem of mine was yearning and attempting to be some omnipotent show director, one who could make the good acts stick around and wave the bad ones off stage. Basically I wanted to gorge on whatever I thought was the "good stuff" at any particular time, and did - but never suffer any consequences, much less plain old unexpected ill fortune. It didn't work, of course. I was a mixture of adolescent self-indulgence and a lot of grit. Life was a birthday cake, with a handful of sand thrown in so that something stuck to the ribs. It worked, but it was a horrible diet. And at the same time, a very bookish, somewhat quixotic guy also lived in the same skin, and led a life - in tandem - that was quite contrary to the other fellow's. They rather successfully ignored each other (which still puzzles me.)
In my forties I began to be able to hold myself back more, do the reasonable, obviously intelligent thing and accept the fact that I wasn't even close to the Master of Ceremonies. Life became considerably easier, pleasanter. And this did encouraged me to try to be more aware, and try to do more of the same. At some point it seemed apparent that life was all about change, and if I kept that in the front of my mind and the lust for control sitting in the back row I seemed able to live a far more satisfactory life.
In looking back on life the temptation is to want to pluck out the really unhappy or incredibly stupid things. But if that were possible, then the entire trajectory of my life would have been different...but would that mean that it would have been at this point something like "better lived?" It's a fantasy with no guarantee. On the day Kennedy was assassinated, just before we were all let off from work, I was called in and fired. I had spent two years at this job I hated, partied to compensate, came in late and hung-over in the last year more days than not...it was a stupid two years and a humiliating departure. It mattered then, it matters now not at all; and it is the same with the good things, it's all laid to rest in the past, almost like a book of short stories between two covers.
But it is how I got to where I am now. Today I can go to the window and look out over the town at the sea. This matters, and it genuinely thrills me every morning.
I look back on 18-22 and wonder what I did other than chase women. I didn't get serious about my education until I was 21-22 and was 24 when I graduated back in 2010 during the hellish recession. Had I graduated on time in 2008 before TSHTF maybe things would be different.
You are still very young. You have plenty of time for things to become different but usually you have to make them different.
There are most definitely better choices I should have made in my youth (woulda/coulda/shoulda); but there is no benefit wasting time dwelling on them.
I prefer to enjoy the present and look to the future.
The biggest plus for me now is that I'm very comfortable with myself and content with my life - whereas in my younger years, that was not the case.
SC,
I am probably twice your age but have never felt that "life passed me by". Carpe diem is my life motto. You try to do the best that you can every single moment. Of course, nobody is perfect and life is unpredictable so just like everybody else, I do have some life regrets and I consider them all MINOR. They are just life lessons.
You just continue learning as you live, from both failures and successes of yourself and others. There is no point of wasting time wallowing in regrets or wishful thinking.
I think of life as a journey, a long trip. Sometimes, you take the wrong turn or have to take a 'blind' detour due to circumstances. If you know the general direction that you want to go, have a goal, a final destination, you gather all the information, get all the help that you can get, muster all the strength and energy that you have left and try to get back on track. It may take a longer to get there, but if you keep moving, you will be there eventually. However, if you learn to enjoy the unplanned 'scenery' along the lost route, you may even find the detour route pleasant, you may even decide just to follow the new route to a new destination.
If may sounds contradictory but one has to be steadfast but also be flexible if needed. I think being resilience and optimistic is what helps one to feel 'successful', to feel alive and never feel falling by the wayside.
I'm sitting in the office today. I work from 9-6 - left the restaurant this morning at 7:35 and it's still dark outside, fought traffic and got in here about 8:35. Walked around the building a little bit. I don't even get a lunch hour now, so it's nose to the grindstone until 6, and by that point it's nearly dark. Repeat ad nauseum in the darker months.
It's hard to not feel some of the days are just "rolling" into the next with no obvious purpose behind any of the days.
Life didn't pass me by but the life I planned danced one step ahead of me, just out of reach, while I was busy living.
Having heard an honored relative say in hospice, "My stupid life. . ." I resolved to decline with no regrets. This requires some constructive self-assessment.
No, but I did join the carnival and traveled around the country. Then I joined the Marine Corps and traveled around the world. I could go on but it's all too surreal to think about.
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Originally Posted by volosong
Let me guess . . . then you joined NASA and traveled around the solar system. Well done!
Some people actually do lead interesting, fulfilling lives. If I could, I would give you a thumbs down for your comment.
But instead, I will give you a chance to double down:
I joined the navy at 17, and spent 9 years traveling the world. I was assigned to both the Philippine and Colombian navies, crossed both great oceans, served with Admiral John McCain in the Mediterranean, served in Viet Nam, and was instrumental in developing the world's largest hydrofoil.
I have visited 49 states and 19 foreign countries. I am an award winning salesman, a certified auto mechanic, a licensed home builder, a licensed home inspector, a ham radio operator, a licensed sailplane pilot, a licensed truck driver with Class A license, and a Coast Guard licensed 6 passenger ship pilot. I held a FCC First Class Radiotelephone License with Shipboard Radar Endorsement.
But no. I have never been to Mars.
I did see a movie about it, though.
I absolutely LET life pass me by. I married at 16 and had five children. I almost never worked at a job. I have not had a Friend since I was in the ninth grade.
I have been married 47 years now. Both my husband and I are loners and homebodies.
So yes it passed my by but I allowed it too.
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