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When you two first discussed moving to AZ, was he enthusiastic or did he just agree to keep the peace?
I'm not hearing (reading) anything that indicates (at least to me) that he really acted like he wants to go. I myself have agreed to things that I really didn't want to do only because the other person was really excited about it and I didn't want to disappoint them.
Any chance that any of that is true? Has he even seen the house in AZ?
Did I not tell you this story? Maybe not, it's been a busy six months.
I found the house on Zillow/Redfin/whatever. I said, "Hey, I know this is more than we talked about spending, but I really think this is the house. Let's go look at it."
He didn't want to go because of work stuff. He said, "I trust your judgment. Go tour the house and if you think it's the one, make an offer."
So I did, it was and I did. He didn't even see it until the walkthrough.
If "I trust your judgment" is code for "I don't want any part of this", then I need a new secret decoder ring.
Did I not tell you this story? Maybe not, it's been a busy six months.
I found the house on Zillow/Redfin/whatever. I said, "Hey, I know this is more than we talked about spending, but I really think this is the house. Let's go look at it."
He didn't want to go because of work stuff. He said, "I trust your judgment. Go tour the house and if you think it's the one, make an offer."
So I did, it was and I did. He didn't even see it until the walkthrough.
If "I trust your judgment" is code for "I don't want any part of this", then I need a new secret decoder ring.
No, not a new secret decoder ring. Think about what else he has said (not just the house) that he has disappointed you with. If this is a pattern for him, it might be time to pay attention to that.
Life is fleeting. I would go. I would tell him he can come visit me on vacation. I think he is afraid of change. You leaving for the other house and not returning would be change. Perhaps it would be the catalyst to get him to retire.
If "I trust your judgment" is code for "I don't want any part of this", then I need a new secret decoder ring.
Perhaps you do. You said long ago that your husband will pretty much say or do anything to avoid conflict. Any time he leaves a decision up to you it's a way of avoiding responsibility and leaving you open for blame if things turn out 'less than'.
So this morning I asked my spouse, "Why did we buy a retirement house, when you clearly have no plans to retire? Do you really want to be carried out of the office feet-first?"
He gave me another of a long series of vague remarks that he would probably retire, maybe, someday: "Well, they have this annual survey at the office and one of the questions is, `Do you see yourself working here for more than a year?' I answered No."
I told him that wasn't good enough. I want a retirement date. I want to be in the beautiful and thriving place we (I thought) selected with so many new-to-us and fascinating things to explore. I want to be living in the fabulous home that I picked out and furnished for us. I'm sick to death of the Bay Area. I want out. He knows this.
"But if I retire, what will I do?"
The guy is a network engineer, pilot and an amateur radio enthusiast. Codes for the fun of it. Owns his own airplane. But he can't think of anything to do in retirement. Wants ME to tell him what to do once retired.
I'm speechless.
I get that it's a big transition. This is a guy who thinks his co-workers are his friends, who gets upset whenever any of them leave the company. He is by far the oldest employee.
I understand I'm asking him to give up his "friends" at work and his non-work actual friends. And he's scared.
But I'm scared, too. Worried that I may not be able to walk without assistance much longer, which will make me permanently housebound in a place I hate. Terrified that one day I'll wake up as an 80 year old, still managing another property from afar without ever having lived there. And that I have wasted what's left of my life waiting for him to decide.
I am seriously considering putting the other house back on the market. We'll lose money but I can't keep living like this.
I can understand your husbands reluctance to retire. Had my wife’s health not forced us to move to a climate more conducive to her health improving,I’m not sure I would have retired yet. Not having a plan for what I’d do with all my free time was a huge concern for me. That, plus the fact that men tend to think of themselves as the great provider, had me feeling worthless when I first retired.
I think your husband is fearful of the unknown, which a lot of us men are. I think you should let him know that you’re moving with or without him, and he is welcome to come join you when he’s ready to retire.
As a guy and still in my late 20's, it's hard for me to relate lol. I almost have a countdown clock to the day I'm eligible to retire (assuming I decide to stay as an employee for life and not start my own business). Even just relaxing with so much free time is amazing.
Perhaps you do. You said long ago that your husband will pretty much say or do anything to avoid conflict. Any time he leaves a decision up to you it's a way of avoiding responsibility and leaving you open for blame if things turn out 'less than'.
Thank you for this.
You and so many other people on this forum have opened my eyes and helped me come to grips with the fact that I have to stop chasing him.
I've been wanting to believe his lies and evasions for so long, it's killing me. Last year, in a way, it almost did. Troubled that his behavior didn't line up with his pretty words, his worthless `talk-talk' as I've come to call it, I went on a long impromptu cross-country journey. At times I was tempted to steer my vehicle into the path of an oncoming 18-wheeler to put an end to the pain.
I've been a sap and every kind of fool one can imagine. Marriage didn't change anything for him. He's still living exactly the same kind of life as before, only with a live-in servant. No wonder he keeps me off-balance.
I don't think he's a bad person. But he's bad for me.
We can close this thread now. It'll take a bit longer to close this chapter of my life.
Best wishes. I hope it all works out. I would go to the AZ house often, and just stay longer and longer each time. Make new friends there and enjoy yourself. Either you will both get used to being apart, or he will get lonely or bored, and come on down. Either way it's more pleasant for you than wrestling with this endlessly.
Start staying there for trial periods, by which I mean a month or two, not one week. Like “I’m off to our retirement home to start preparing it for when we move there full time.”
Do it frequently enough to (a) affirm your belief that it is the place to stay, and (b) transition him out of his rut, which includes your being around all the time.
THEN ask him to pick a date to retire and move. He should have made up his mind after this bit of testing.
OTOH, if you require that he be with you all the time, all bets are off. That’s a whole different can of worms than his ironclad routines.
PS: I know a retiree with varied interests and a desire to do them, yet for years now he just won’t go anywhere without an old friend (or his wife) accompanying him. To me it is strange that someone with both time and means to do all those things won’t step out alone. Everyone is different, though.
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