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So this morning I asked my spouse, "Why did we buy a retirement house, when you clearly have no plans to retire? Do you really want to be carried out of the office feet-first?"
He gave me another of a long series of vague remarks that he would probably retire, maybe, someday: "Well, they have this annual survey at the office and one of the questions is, `Do you see yourself working here for more than a year?' I answered No."
I told him that wasn't good enough. I want a retirement date. I want to be in the beautiful and thriving place we (I thought) selected with so many new-to-us and fascinating things to explore. I want to be living in the fabulous home that I picked out and furnished for us. I'm sick to death of the Bay Area. I want out. He knows this.
"But if I retire, what will I do?"
The guy is a network engineer, pilot and an amateur radio enthusiast. Codes for the fun of it. Owns his own airplane. But he can't think of anything to do in retirement. Wants ME to tell him what to do once retired.
I'm speechless.
I get that it's a big transition. This is a guy who thinks his co-workers are his friends, who gets upset whenever any of them leave the company. He is by far the oldest employee.
I understand I'm asking him to give up his "friends" at work and his non-work actual friends. And he's scared.
But I'm scared, too. Worried that I may not be able to walk without assistance much longer, which will make me permanently housebound in a place I hate. Terrified that one day I'll wake up as an 80 year old, still managing another property from afar without ever having lived there. And that I have wasted what's left of my life waiting for him to decide.
I am seriously considering putting the other house back on the market. We'll lose money but I can't keep living like this.
It is a mistake to get tied to a job or a house. My father had no problem retiring from his job but would not leave his house. The neighborhood was bad, you had to drive everywhere since it was not close to grocery, it was on a hill so winters were hell trying to clear the driveway, it had stairs that we had to put a lift in. My dad would not leave. He died still living at the house at 85. Don't wait. If you want to move, go before it is too late! At some point moving becomes impossible. Don't let that time sneak up on you.
I wouldn't want an elderly private pilot, for one thing. If he wants to keep doing that activity, do it NOW before his brain cells age anymore. There's a reason commercial pilots have forced retirement at 60 or 65.
My ex was also a private pilot and ham operator. He thought he'd have plenty of time in retirement to enjoy those, but dropped dead of a heart attack at 65.
You can't change him; I agree with others---go to the retirement home with the excuse you are taking care of it and want to move on to the next phase.
Move and start your life. Make new friends, take up new hobbies.
If you make him quit and he’s miserable, that’s on you. Time apart will lead to answers for both of you.
Best of luck.
I totally agree. His work is very tied up in his identity. Likely at this stage of marriage neither of you has the need to knock uglies every night, so sometime apart is in order. With web cams etc you can see each other each night if you so wish.
I've seen a few people like this....and many times it isn't that they fear boredom in retirement (how would he be bored or not have anything to do being a pilot/plane owner anyway??) but they refuse to retire and use the "But what will I do?" excuse to mask the fears of becoming irrelevant or realizing they are not needed and the place can run fine without them.
They justify their existence via their work and without it would feel they have no purpose or importance so they stay on to feed that mindset...most are the ones that die at their desk.
To answer your question, I'm with everyone else who says move on and live your life on your terms. Maybe, seeing that will be a kick in his a** and he'll "get it" and finally retire...if he's remains that steadfast and committed to his job and "work friends" over your needs then it's apparent his work & friends matter more so then you'll have your answer.
Would his work allow him to gradually transition to retirement? Or, even work remotely, perhaps part-time, from AZ? Once here, things might change, for the better or worse.
Would his work allow him to gradually transition to retirement? Or, even work remotely, perhaps part-time, from AZ? Once here, things might change, for the better or worse.
That was our joint hope. That would have been perfect, flying in and out once a week or so.
However, his manager put the kibosh on that notion, then reiterated it in his annual review. He either does what he's doing now or he retires. No middle ground, no accommodation.
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