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Clearly, her husband doesn't share your opinion. Not everyone hates IT work.
Someone in leading edge R&D in Silicon Valley is basically a research scientist. They’re going to feel much differently about their job than mass market technician type jobs.
Someone in leading edge R&D in Silicon Valley is basically a research scientist. They’re going to feel much differently about their job than mass market technician type jobs.
That's nice. Doesn't change the fact that this thread is about her husband, who likes his job. It is NOT about you, it is NOT about how much you hate your job, it is NOT about which types of IT employees might like their jobs better than you like your job.
I can understand your husbands reluctance to retire. Had my wife’s health not forced us to move to a climate more conducive to her health improving,I’m not sure I would have retired yet. Not having a plan for what I’d do with all my free time was a huge concern for me. That, plus the fact that men tend to think of themselves as the great provider, had me feeling worthless when I first retired.
I think your husband is fearful of the unknown, which a lot of us men are. I think you should let him know that you’re moving with or without him, and he is welcome to come join you when he’s ready to retire.
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
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Let this chapter play out as best possible and make efforts to both keep in your 'happy-place', you have many options. (more flights and technology (facetime for separation anxiety.) or similar.
At some point you may align on objectives, or not. life is short, enjoy the brief opportunity.
YOU go back and forth, spending some time in your AZ home. He spends his vacation time there with you. You see how you like it there, he does, too. Continue in the Bay area full time in warm weather. Become the west coast equivalent of snowbirds, until he decides to retire.
I can understand your husbands reluctance to retire. Had my wife’s health not forced us to move to a climate more conducive to her health improving,I’m not sure I would have retired yet. Not having a plan for what I’d do with all my free time was a huge concern for me. That, plus the fact that men tend to think of themselves as the great provider, had me feeling worthless when I first retired.
I think your husband is fearful of the unknown, which a lot of us men are. I think you should let him know that you’re moving with or without him, and he is welcome to come join you when he’s ready to retire.
Women and men are fearful of the unknown. I had an equally successful career as my husband, then the kids came along. I could not find suitable childcare(32 years ago) with our firstborn, so WE decided that I would become a full time Mom and forgo the large income. I continued with my career on a part time basis while raising our two now adult boys, but never had a full time position since giving up my career after maternity leave was over with our first son.
Strikes a nerve for me when men "bellyache" over lamenting over when is the right time to retire.
Women who forgo their careers to devote time to raising their children will probably relate.
After men have successful careers, when is enough enough?
What about semi retirement? That is always a possibility as well. What about taking on a low pressure position, a new interest in semi retirement.
Here's what I say. Stop and smell the roses when you can before being carried out of your office to your resting place! Travel, enjoy your grandkids, develop a new interest, exercise, do something other than your identify being wrapped up in your career.
Yes, be proud that you had a successful career but there are MANY other things in life to enjoy, other than a career in retirement!
GOOD LUCK to all contemplating the right time to retire!
So this morning I asked my spouse, "Why did we buy a retirement house, when you clearly have no plans to retire? Do you really want to be carried out of the office feet-first?"
He gave me another of a long series of vague remarks that he would probably retire, maybe, someday: "Well, they have this annual survey at the office and one of the questions is, `Do you see yourself working here for more than a year?' I answered No."
I told him that wasn't good enough. I want a retirement date. I want to be in the beautiful and thriving place we (I thought) selected with so many new-to-us and fascinating things to explore. I want to be living in the fabulous home that I picked out and furnished for us. I'm sick to death of the Bay Area. I want out. He knows this.
"But if I retire, what will I do?"
The guy is a network engineer, pilot and an amateur radio enthusiast. Codes for the fun of it. Owns his own airplane. But he can't think of anything to do in retirement. Wants ME to tell him what to do once retired.
I'm speechless.
I get that it's a big transition. This is a guy who thinks his co-workers are his friends, who gets upset whenever any of them leave the company. He is by far the oldest employee.
I understand I'm asking him to give up his "friends" at work and his non-work actual friends. And he's scared.
But I'm scared, too. Worried that I may not be able to walk without assistance much longer, which will make me permanently housebound in a place I hate. Terrified that one day I'll wake up as an 80 year old, still managing another property from afar without ever having lived there. And that I have wasted what's left of my life waiting for him to decide.
I am seriously considering putting the other house back on the market. We'll lose money but I can't keep living like this.
What would you do?
I can relate(see my other post from this morning). Out of curiosity, how old is your spouse and how long has he been working in his career? When is "enough, enough"?
To the OP, human nature is a funny thing and one thing all of us know in this retirement forum is if you have been with someone for a long time you realize although we love our other halves we know what we can control and what we can't.
Some people live their lives like trains on the track. They saw the journey they wanted to take and just stayed on the track not thinking about those roads they pass by. Others cruise the freeway and see those other roads and easily head off and make the change.
Your husband most likely realizes retirement is coming and purchased the second home to make you happy thinking you would both be there eventually. He was thinking about that distance future while you see yourselves nearing the finish line and ultimately making that final move rather sooner or later.
For those of us that worked our whole lives there is a very small group of people that actually have jobs they really love. I mean really love, that kind of love while although you are enjoying your life outside of work you are still thinking about those little problems that need solving on the weekend and look forward to Monday rolling around to start the week again. These are the kind of people that keep going into their seventies still working. True job satisfaction of this kind is a rare bird and many of those experiencing this feel they would lose their identity without the jobs they love.
He is not going to be able to stop cold turkey and cut the cord.
Only you know the ingredients to your relationship with your husband, we can't begin to understand but we can offer some generic advice.
My advice is to transition to the second home a few weeks each month. It's not the same doing it alone but it brings about change for you. If indeed he has abandonment issues with you gone then he is going to have that same time to reflect on what his priorities should be. Hopefully in a good way this will lead to some serious discussion about your futures. Also start planning long weekends there and vacation time. Plan an area to visit nearby and fill up his time there exploring not just visiting the second home and chilling out. Keep him on the run to let him know there are plenty of things to see and do. Visit the local Civil Air Patrol group, do some research, I have a buddy (an IT guru) that volunteers at a veterans center helping vets with computer issues. You are not a tour operator or career counselor but you have to try and change his mindset that there is nothing out there that replaces that feeling he gets at work.
It's tough giving advice in this case because it seems no matter what you choose, either stay in the Bay Area until he is ready or he retires and moves to the second home, either way one of you is going to lose a bit of their identity or happiness.
PS. While I have no clue about IT and I could be talking out my a$$, your husband seems like he has a briefcase full of skills and I would think getting in touch with a headhunter he could find some rewarding contract work he could do remotely at home from the the second home. While it would not be a full retirment you, at least you would be relocated and weaning him off of the full time gig a bit
I live in a community in FL. I have a friend who lives down here while his wife lives in NY. When he retired he wanted to move down to FL and get out of the NY climate. His wife has grand children up there and one of their kids lives with her in the the NY house. She comes down to visit him and he goes up to visit her. He goes for an extended stay over Christmas to visit all the family and friends.
I've heard him complain that he wishes she would come down her permanently, but that's just not going to happen. He's approaching 70 and has no desire to spend his later years up in NY, so this is their solution.
I have another friend (whose daughter is also living with her in update NY) who is a realtor. Her husband is a retired school teacher and he wanted to live in FL for his retirement. He comes down in October and works at a golf course from November to May. He stays here. She comes back and forth to visit him when he's down here. In the summer from May to October he goes back up to NY with her. She's talking about moving down here permanently when her daughter moves out at the end of the year (daughter's company is moving and she can't commute from there).
We'll see, as a realtor her business is going great right now, she's the listing agent for a local builder, and I'm not so sure she's ready to give that up. Her husband wishes she would sell the house in NY and come down here with him, but again, they've found something that works for them at least for now.
Two spouses living in different states in retirement is not that uncommon. Perhaps this is what you should consider doing and as others have said, let your husband decide what he wants to do.
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