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What many don't realize is that if parents support their adult children, more than likely the children will end up financially supporting their elderly parents later on.
nope, around here the adult children take off and leave the parents with grandkids and even great grandkids
The grandkids start popping out kids in their teen years - so what do you do?
I don't understand why the federal student loan application REQUIRES the parent's financial info. If the applicant is an adult, how is this legal?
It is only legal when the adult parent signs the loan which is why I would never sign a loan.
Being a parent is not unlike building a sail boat.
You start with the finest wood laying a perfect keel making sure the wood is without imperfections or knots. As you continue you use only the finest material spending many years sanding, finishing and acquiring the finest in brass fittings to insure your sailboat will handle the roughest of seas.
Years sanding and varnishing on shore as you peer out to the sea while standing on the hot sands.
You are ending the years of hard work when you purchase the finest canvas for the sails while acquiring the finest ropes.
As you finish you step back to admire the results of your years of hard work it dawns on you this is a sail boat you will never sail upon. This boat is for your now adult child who will take it to sea while you stand upon the shore as your adult child steers the boat over the horizon.
I've told DS and DDIL my top financial priority is not outliving my savings. My second is helping with my grandchildren's college educations and I've already got a decent start on their 529s. The third is leaving them something. They're fine with that.
My parents helped us when we were first starting out with two moderate sized gifts of unannounced cash when they had a 'windfall'. My Mom received a $10K inheritance from the estate of an otherwise heirless distant cousin whom she could not definitely remember ever meeting. She split the money three ways for my sisters and myself. My share was immediately invested for future college costs.
Likewise, my parents sold their rental duplex after retirement and gave the three of us $10K each from the proceeds. $7K went toward future college costs, $700 went for a home PC primarily for the kids, and the rest replaced the first floor carpet in our home.
These sudden influxes of cash helped us a lot in our early years so we did something similar for our two sons recently. The only string attached to the money when we announced it to them 6 months in advance of the checks being written, was for each couple to discuss and decide what to do with their money so they wouldn't become like the Third Servant in the Parable of the Talents.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nicet4
If you can pay for it then pay for it but it is not owed... after graduation from high school they are ADULTS and can pay their own way which includes college.
Legally, perhaps. But we know they aren't mentally and emotionally. They still have adolescent brains, more or less, until their mid 20s.
I'm seeing this right now in my family. A couple who are at the age where they should be closely managing their finances for retirement are instead supporting their grown son, who has never had a job, thinks the world should support him, and states that working for a living wastes your life away, and he won't do that to his life. He regularly sleeps his days away in his parents' basement, spending his time on social media. He racked up almost 4 years in student loans, then dropped out, saying it's too stressful for him.
I have no idea how he got the idea that the world owes him a living, but his parents are footing the bill for him. They both have always been hard workers and have done well for themselves, but this grown "kid" is eating at their foundation.
This worthless grown kid will never support his parents later in life. He refuses to even support himself.
We didn't make much money so our son qualified for free College. We helped him in any way we could and would still do so.
He has a 4 year degree in Exercise Science. And 3 AA degrees. He started working for a large Tech Company while in College 20 hrs a week from home. He remained there until just recently. Upon his departure, he was at $25 per hr but never enjoyed it. Stuck it out too long. In fact, the part of the brain you use for talking has always been an issue for him.
He likes to talk but has never been able to do it alot as it causes his brain to hurt. He is now substitute teaching.
He was at home until age 27 when he bought his home. I wanted him there.We did not charge him rent, he saved up his money for the house. He was frugal. He also inherited a little and we paid for half of the down payment (25K). We always provided his cars but he always had a job in high school WHILE attending College. Looking back, no one has ever accomplished what he was dong. I believe he was on a 4-5 year Bipolar high becuase after he got his 4 yr degree, he bombed bigtime. Still to this day have never heard of anyone doing as much as he did, for so long. Too bad I didn't see the signs....he's a carcass of what he was before. He used to be so smart. Now just showering is a struggle for him though he;s always loved school.
I would never consider giving him any ultimatums though I did in high school. He was shy so I pushed him into getting a job. Then he started taking extra classes because it is free while in High school. Well its free for him anyhow because his parents don't ake much money.
It was tough at first, he was terrified at 16 but did fine. Kids have different personalities. There was no desire to push him out of the family until he was well established. Doing so before, is tossing someone into the deep water telling them to learn to swim. NO. Before going into the deep water, ensure they CAN swim first.
Kids have different personalities. He has alot of Apple Stock, whatever an employee was allowed to buy at the discounted price. He maxed out his 401k during those years so is now in a position to just substitute. He has a roommate. He started dating a girl but with his mental issues, we'll see. He'd work 40-50 hrs a week for the last 4 years sleeping in between trying to heal his brain in between shifts.
Substituting 3-4 days a week is great. He's actually been healing faster since starting to Sub. He plans on filling in during the 6 week summer vacation. We never worried about supporting him long, we knew he'd do it. Sadly his first roommate got on drugs and killed the family dog. And he had a breakdown from working his brain like that for so long. So for almost a year, he stayed home depressed.
Life will toss hardballs at kids, we don't need to make it harder for them. Teaching, believe it or not, isn't all talking. It's just 6 hrs a day. Subs are off almost as fast as the kids leave, so no forced overtime. Tech support is constant calls coming in, trying to meet quotas for time, listening to complainers, while ensuring the call was successful. Trainings. Teams are competing with each other. Teaching is so much easier for him. Less pressure
Maybe down the line, he'll go full time teaching but he's invested enough in this 401k & Apple stocks, and his savings. He has an IRA he invests 5K each year. When you start saving earlier rather than later, that's the way to go. He'll be fine but just in case (due to the mental thing) we are not overly spending $$ and should have a nice home with about 100K for his inheritance. Our grandkids will need a leg up to be successful, it's the easiest way to ensure not supporting your kids for life and having a loving, intact, relationship.
We don't have children to ask what is the bare minimum is we owe them. Nor demand they better appreciate whatever we do beyond it. The Mexicans often have very good family relations. And for most of time, people lived in houses with their parents and grandparents. Well...at east generations on the same plot of land. This is back when family meant something. When people stayed together for the good of everyone, not complaining their sexual or emotional needs aren't met so causing the death of their family. Causing their kids to loose their Dads and vice versa. Financial independence does not start at 18, ensure they have a home and are set before pressuring them to fly.
Last edited by AliceTheHousekeeper; 04-24-2019 at 12:56 PM..
What many don't realize is that if parents support their adult children, more than likely the children will end up financially supporting their elderly parents later on.
No way!!! I have friends who pay for and do everything for their adult kids. The adult kids do nothing to help themselves let alone being responsible enough to help aging parents. Watching all of this makes me glad I don’t have kids and grandchildren to deal with.
Interesting. We paid half of our 3 daughter's college as I came from a background of getting my college paid for by my parents and my wife got nothing for college. So we blended the philosophies. Daughter # 1 racked up about $30K in loans for her half and whittled it down slowly only to have my well-off uncle pay off the balance. Daughter # 2 had about the same debt ($30K) and paid that sucker off in 2 years, very disciplined (and too soon to have my uncle pay off any). Daughter # 3 only went to four year school one year and only had $6K in loans, also paid off by uncle. So, not a lot of skin in the game for #1 and #3 ultimately for the college era.
Now, daughter # 3 got pregnant, eventually married the guy but they struggle financially. It's a balancing act for us to how much we help. They don't ask but we supplement things a bit. They both work and she is also back in school on the fast track to a degree. My "half" support of the college ended once she left school the first time but I won't mind helping her out again as she is trying and it would be SO good for her to finish this.
Yeah, the financial independence should have begun when they turned 18 yet each case is different and we try to use wisdom with each of them. The one blessing is that I keep close track of our overall funds and helping out will NOT delay or deep-six our retirement plans.
Someone asked about needing the parents financial information above for getting aid/loans for college. The government considers you kid a dependent for college aid until they are 24 regardless of whether or not you agree to pay for college. College costs have skyrocketed over the past couple of decades compared to when H and I went to college in the late 70's early 80's. Back then many of us were able to work part time and some even full time and easily pay for college.
It is crazy to me when I hear parents say things like my kid needs to go to this expensive private school (versus a public university) when the parents can't afford it. My older D is dating a really nice guy who went to an expensive, Northeast private university and his parents took out more than 150K in loans for him and his brother. D's bf told her that the parents never said to him that he shouldn't go to this school because they didn't have the money. He didn't even know they had taken out all the loans until after he graduated.
We told our girls when they were applying to colleges that we could pay for their undergraduate education in the amount of what 4 years at a California UC costs. Oldest decided to go to a private school on the east coast, but with the scholarships and very small loans she received the amount we paid was equivalent to a CA UC. Younger D decided to go to the UC here in San Diego and received a world class education. I worked many years at a large corporation and received stock and stock options as bonuses and we were able to cash these out (and pay the taxes!) and had the money to fund their educations.
Now that both have graduated and have full time jobs we help in with things like family vacations and helping to furnish their first apartments. When they are ready to buy homes we hope to give them some cash to help with the down payments, but we have not told them that yet. We still have a few years until we retire, but the biggest gift we want to give to them is knowing that our retirement savings will take care of the two of us and that we will not be a burden on them!
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