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I agree with the OP and did my best to live by that standard. I think it builds sturdy kids who are able to take a few hard knocks and keep standing up. It's a painful process to watch but I also believe it's a gift (probably not recognized by the child until later in life.)
My attitude toward the kids was a little different though. Call it a mother's tender heart. I never thought of them as blood-sucking, lazy or greedy. Just as normal people who, lacking total independence and low on skill practice, would probably keep taking however much someone gave them. They had to learn the world seldom passes out unlimited bounties and sometimes no one comes to the rescue.
They learned some tough lessons after leaving home and I probably hurt about it more than they did but they're bright and the world taught them some basic lessons fast enough that we didn't all go down with the ship. That's always the fear with cutting the apron strings, isn't it?
I like the concept of enabling, understand it and resist the very tempting urge to practice it. The lure is that if I give or do something for this person they will give or do something for me. Someone tell me when that becomes true.
But I'll secretly admit that those times when they thought Mom had totally let go she was watching from the shore ready to send out a care package if the sea got unreasonably rough.
I'm seeing this right now in my family. A couple who are at the age where they should be closely managing their finances for retirement are instead supporting their grown son, who has never had a job, thinks the world should support him, and states that working for a living wastes your life away, and he won't do that to his life. He regularly sleeps his days away in his parents' basement, spending his time on social media. He racked up almost 4 years in student loans, then dropped out, saying it's too stressful for him.
I have no idea how he got the idea that the world owes him a living, but his parents are footing the bill for him. They both have always been hard workers and have done well for themselves, but this grown "kid" is eating at their foundation.
This worthless grown kid will never support his parents later in life. He refuses to even support himself.
Ugh, now this is a recipe for disaster for this guy. The guy needs a reality check but only gets "enabled".
My parents expected us to move out at 18, and we all did -- all three of us were financially independent during college and beyond, and we came home only for the holidays. This was commonplace American behavior back in the 1980s and 1990s. Everyone I remember was living on their own after college (I was first in Chicago, then in Boston). I cannot recall any kids from HS or college who were back at their childhood homes.
Fast forward to now, my in-laws permit their two youngest children, at ages 35 and 41, to live at home! (My spouse, the oldest sibling, is 8 years younger than I, but followed a normal trajectory and moved out at 18 (in the 1990s) and finds this situation alienating, to say the least).
I just cannot get my mind around the dynamic. I cannot even envision a normal relationship with my brother-in-law or sister-in-law, because I feel that they are infantilized by this perverse situation. Neither is married, and neither has a good job, despite college degrees. Four ruined lives, all unhappy together. Reminds me of that Tolstoy aphorism: all happy families are alike, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.
Ugh, now this is a recipe for disaster for this guy. The guy needs a reality check but only gets "enabled".
A true recipe for disaster. It's like using crutches when your leg is healed. Eventually you lose the ability to use it correctly. I had two BILs who met this fate all for poor choices on both sides' part. Made me so sad to see that they were being allowed to slowly self-destruct.
Not that the parents could have necessarily changed the kids' bad habits but no attempt was ever even made. They just kept believing every lie and doling out the money while their kids got worse and worse. It nearly seems evil.
I know several "children" who have been, I believe, permanently crippled by too much parental "help."
The arrangement which breaks my heart is the young parent who can't or won't provide a safe and healthy environment for their child so he get passed off to his grandpa and grandma while mom and dad spend their days partying. Talk about a serious situation for all involved!
There are many retired couples here raising their grandkids and thank goodness that they are but they are worn out and working hard when they should finally be able to enjoy their freedom from that responsibility.
I'm seeing this right now in my family. A couple who are at the age where they should be closely managing their finances for retirement are instead supporting their grown son, who has never had a job, thinks the world should support him, and states that working for a living wastes your life away, and he won't do that to his life. He regularly sleeps his days away in his parents' basement, spending his time on social media. He racked up almost 4 years in student loans, then dropped out, saying it's too stressful for him.
I have no idea how he got the idea that the world owes him a living, but his parents are footing the bill for him.
That last sentence pretty well describes where their offspring got the idea the world owes him a living.
It's the parents job to teach early on: You need food, clothing, a car, etc; you work for it! Period!
He must be their only child which they definitely spoiled!
I'm all for helping our kids get a jump start, but they need to work and make it on their own. Sure, they are times when we do help, but nothing even close to this situation!
#1 Why is it some parents have the belief they owe their child a college education? I just don't get it.
No, you probably wouldn't.
Parents wanting the best for their children is apparently beyond your understanding.
Real parents want their children to be as successful or even more successful than they, not be worse off.
It's a source of pride for the parents and gives them both a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment to know they did something right, whether their children are college educated or not.
What many don't realize is that if parents support their adult children, more than likely the children will end up financially supporting their elderly parents later on.
How will they do that? If the kids are in their 30's and 40's and are not able to support themselves how will they take care of the parents?
We are friends with a woman in her late 70's. She is still working. She and her recently deceased husband took care of two sons, and now a grand daughter. The great grand kids are living with her still. This friend of ours never bought a home. She covers the rent on a home and her adult grand daughter and grand daughters husband don't help out with the rent. Her sons moved out, but are both homeless and on drugs.
We have told her to not sign another lease and get a small apartment for her self. She will not do that.
My mom worked as a court investigator for 30 years here in Southern California and her job the last 10 years was to go to homes and see the children that were under guardianship and not living with their parents. Most of these children were with their grandparents because the parents had drug issues. Many times my mom felt that the home environment the children were in was just going to have them end up exactly like their parents. The places she had to visit were areas that had meth labs all over and some of the grandparents were just as bad as the parents of the children.
I don't understand why the federal student loan application REQUIRES the parent's financial info. If the applicant is an adult, how is this legal?
Just wait, it gets even crazier than that!
Our youngest enrolled in Medical School as a "Non-traditional Student" at age 32. There is a special FAFSA form used for Med School, and possibly for Law School too. His Medical School FAFSA REQUIRED my financial information, even though he had been 100% financially self-supporting since graduating from college 10 years previous!
The FAFSA is not a loan application but is used to indicate the amount of family financial support the student may enjoy. What pre-retirement or retired adult is capable of supplying the cost of Med School without jeopardizing their own future?
I have not seen this in my family or close friends. I am surprised that 50% of parents have to support their adult children, to the detriment of their retirement savings. We were fortunately able to pay for our son’s first car and college, and still save. I wonder if this phenomenon is a continuation of the helicopter parenting style, keeping the children close and dependent.
The article said that the adult children between the ages of 23 and 38 felt that they should be supported longer. I wonder who gave them that idea. Just amazing. 38 is middle aged almost!
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Spoiled offspring
