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I have a long time friend in her 50's who has grandchildren now. She has to move between states once in a while to avoid having grandchildren simply dropped off without warning for long term care, it drives her crazy.
I would move, too.
I used to work with a woman who called her mom on the phone during the day, yelling at her about taking care of the kids, cleaning their rooms, even how to arrange the toys in their rooms. She would verbally abuse her poor mom who was selflessly watching the kids so her daughter could work and not have to pay for childcare.
#1 Why is it some parents have the belief they owe their child a college education? I just don't get it.
If you can pay for it then pay for it but it is not owed... after graduation from high school they are ADULTS and can pay their own way which includes college.
Signing a student loan? Are you nuts? As I understand it a federally insured student loan is one of the very, very few things the government can take from your social security benefit which is crazy.
I was a real hard ass in raising my kids. I paid for college because I was able to but before I did they had to clear their major with me and convince me they could earn a free and independent living with their degree so once graduated I would no longer have any reason to support them.
Upon graduation from high school I purchased them a new car with the understanding that as long as they were in college FULL TIME without any breaks I would pay the monthly payment, the insurance and give them a gas credit card with the full understanding that if they quit school, or even took a "break", the car would be totally their responsibility. I would get my gas credit card back, stop insurance payments and if they couldn't make the car payments I would sell the car from under them.
They knew their dad over the years and they knew what I said I meant... there was no misunderstanding.
Like I said I was a real hard ass and meant every word I said.
Upon graduation from college I would sign the car over to them.... basically they would leave college with very little debt and a fully paid for reasonably new car.
A little college debt... I made them take a $1,250 loan for every semester so they would leave college with a $10,000 debt because I wanted them to have skin in the game. Poor babies!
They had jobs before they graduated but the rule was they had 30 days after graduation to find a job and be out of the house. I raised my children to be independent and that meant not living at home.
Why would a parent jeopardize their retirement for their blood sucking kids is beyond me. The secret here is to raise your kids not to be blood suckers by laying out all the rules early, clearly, repeat often and always mean exactly what you say and back it up. Never an empty threat.
If you are a dad you are not their best friend. Kids will have best friends their entire lives but they have only one dad so act like it.
These kinds of articles really tick me off because it isn't the kids it's the stupid parents that made them that way!
The bolded doesn't sound "hard-ass" to me, but I see you had a goal in mind, with that. Frankly, I' rather have taken the car money and used it for grad school, "dad"; much more practical. These days, an MA is needed for many jobs for which only a BA was required before. An MA makes you much more employable. Just saying.
America is one of the fe countries where 18-22 years old are expected to move out the house permanently. In many countries, it's very normal for kids to stay around well into their 30s
But if your grown kid is costing you your retirement, then you have failed as a parent
...and the expectation is that parents move in with the kids later or parents give the kids the house or whatever. It is quid pro quo - that is not how things work in the U.S. (not even traditionally).
My uncle is 63 and is still supporting his 24 year old daughter who lives about three hours away and works in HR, but doesn't make a lot of money, as well as his 20 year old daughter and that daughter's girlfriend to an extent. He's affluent and can afford it, but I know a lot of parents in that situation that aren't as fortunate.
But parents don't necessarily need to provide cash to assist their kids. Back in 2016, I was living in Indiana and had run up my credit cards - I was hoarding cash because my job was shaky. I ended up getting a job back in Tennessee. I stayed with my parents for awhile to get the bills paid down. I paid a third of everything, plus my own food and consumables. They weren't out much of anything by me just being there, but I was able to save at least several hundred a month. Dad's job was shaky later on and I helped them out more.
Most of my friends have kids, and their parents, many already or close to retirement, pitch in with things like watching the kids or even making meals and such. When I was little, I often stayed with my grandparents and was never in daycare. Memaw would often make a dinner for us.
I will beat you to it!
I know a 84 y o who is still supporting his 44 y o off spring and the family with teenage kids!!!
Support included over the years: college, cash for businesses( 2 different ones, both failed, money lost),
rent free living for the family in parent’s investment property, healthcare, credit cards, car, lawyer fees, when needed, pretty much everything!
The child worked one!!!! year total! Being 44!
We plan to pay for our kids' colleges. They also know that they are welcome to come back home after graduation in order to save money as long as they have a job or are in graduate school. My kids are well behaved, top students, involved in church and activities and have never been considered "leeches".
Why do we plan on doing this? Because I get SO SICK of people my age (or older) say "When I was 18 I lived on my own" or "I worked my way through college with no debt". People have NO CLUE how much costs have skyrocketed for the younger generation. Unless you go into the military, an 18 year old has little chance of making it without some help. Rent for a one bedroom apartment even in the worst area is $1200 a month. Health insurance has skyrocketed. And tuition is ridiculous. State schools by us are $22k-30k a year with all the added fees and housing. Because housing is so expensive living on campus is actually CHEAPER in some schools. Community college (always touted as the greatest thing) is also $6k a year, and then again you have to have a place to live. You can transfer to a 4 year state school but it's tough getting all your classes as a transfer so the stats show that most community college students take another 3 years to get their degree (which means the $22k per year factor).
The fact is that things are NOT the way they used to be, and I am the first to say that my generation had it so much easier. Getting into college in my era was easy. I took the SAT one and done. I easily got into public universities (like UCLA) which now have some of the lowest acceptance rates in the nation and the highest requirements for GPA's and SAT's. College truly was affordable and you could work your way through school with little debt. The college I attended is now 4 TIMES what I paid. Wages have not kept up with the inflated costs of college, housing and healthcare.
My kids do know, however, that we have limits. No going to $60k a year private schools unless you get incredible scholarships. And they have to major in something reasonable that can lead to a realistic career. But I am happy to help my kids overcome the financial challenges that have been handed to their generation by irresponsible decisions of past ones.
Great post! It's a different world today. I was an orphan. My husband, a refugee. We married young (20s) in the 1970s but were working putting ourselves thru university so we didn't have children. I had only one child 15 years later, a girl. We homeschooled her when we realized that we'd have to choose either private gradeschool & highschool in Chicago OR university, not both. She's an architect today. Six years of school, five of those out of state because it was cheaper to send her out of state than go here. In a few months she will have been working one year. And she is living at home. It cost us close to $200,000 for her MArch and that was at a relatively inexpensive state school.
Rents are out of control in the city. Try $1600 for a Studio apartment. And as a young Architect working towards the license she's not earning a big salary. The kiddo takes the L (elevated train) every day. She brings her lunch. This week she's working 12 hour days. DH will pick her up tonight from the office because the train isn't safe late at night. We live just 5 miles from the job. Sure she could take a cab or Uber but why pay and who knows who is driving? She pays all of her own bills, car insurance, (she just helped pay off her car), health and dental, etc. She pays a percentage of the house costs. And she's saving everything else. She has no student loans because we paid for it all and she maintained a high grade point which gave her a tuition reduction worth over $50,000. I always remind her that THAT was her contribution for school because we didn't have that money and she would have had to take loans. Not every kid at home is a slacker. The AVERAGE Millennial will pay over $192,000 in RENT in ten years before they will be able to buy! Our kid is determined to have a fully funded emergency fund. When she's eligible for the 401k she knows she'll have to max it out if she doesn't want to eat dog food when SHE retires. DH and I are "old" parents. Hubs will be 66 this June and hopes to retire in February next year. Every family is different. When it comes to salary and benefits today it is a race to the bottom. Most kids, even with college educations, work gig jobs that are dead end. If you're not in a technical field with a specialty it's hard. It's a Different World than "back in the day." Today young people are competing against the WORLD for a job.
Has MY retirement savings suffered? A bit, yes. I've Always saved but ran into some unexpected expenses and have been paying them off with kiddo's help. We're all she has. There have been no uncles or aunts, grandparents, no one. When we're gone there's no cousin for her to seek for help or counsel. So YEAH, I'm taking care of my kid and I have zero regrets.
Buying them cars (NEW!), paying for gas and insurance and paying all but $1,250/semester is being a harda$$? What planet are you living on? You can do whatever you want since you say you're able to afford it.
But parents without the means should not attempt to take on cars/college/wedding/downpayments for houses for their kids. The kids have years of earning income ahead of them and middle-aged parents do NOT.
With the cars I said "The first is on me the rest are on thee so take care of it". No fancy Firebird but a nice, dependable Honda Civic.
I don't think I was a harda$$ so much as I had rules that were expected to be followed or Dad would simply pick up all his toys (all the toys were mine) and there wouldn't be a whole lot to play with.
They had great lives growing up and have told me so.
What many don't realize is that if parents support their adult children, more than likely the children will end up financially supporting their elderly parents later on.
Where did you come up with this idea?
I suspect the opposite is true. "Entitled" kids are likely to remain that way.
#1 Why is it some parents have the belief they owe their child a college education? I just don't get it.
If you can pay for it then pay for it but it is not owed... after graduation from high school they are ADULTS and can pay their own way which includes college.
Signing a student loan? Are you nuts? As I understand it a federally insured student loan is one of the very, very few things the government can take from your social security benefit which is crazy.
I was a real hard ass in raising my kids. I paid for college because I was able to but before I did they had to clear their major with me and convince me they could earn a free and independent living with their degree so once graduated I would no longer have any reason to support them.
Upon graduation from high school I purchased them a new car with the understanding that as long as they were in college FULL TIME without any breaks I would pay the monthly payment, the insurance and give them a gas credit card with the full understanding that if they quit school, or even took a "break", the car would be totally their responsibility. I would get my gas credit card back, stop insurance payments and if they couldn't make the car payments I would sell the car from under them.
They knew their dad over the years and they knew what I said I meant... there was no misunderstanding.
Like I said I was a real hard ass and meant every word I said.
Upon graduation from college I would sign the car over to them.... basically they would leave college with very little debt and a fully paid for reasonably new car.
A little college debt... I made them take a $1,250 loan for every semester so they would leave college with a $10,000 debt because I wanted them to have skin in the game. Poor babies!
They had jobs before they graduated but the rule was they had 30 days after graduation to find a job and be out of the house. I raised my children to be independent and that meant not living at home.
Why would a parent jeopardize their retirement for their blood sucking kids is beyond me. The secret here is to raise your kids not to be blood suckers by laying out all the rules early, clearly, repeat often and always mean exactly what you say and back it up. Never an empty threat.
If you are a dad you are not their best friend. Kids will have best friends their entire lives but they have only one dad so act like it.
These kinds of articles really tick me off because it isn't the kids it's the stupid parents that made them that way!
Parents don't owe their kids a college education. But if you don't want the kids living in your basement when they're 35, maybe it's better they get a college education.
College is the new, competitive, and very expensive high school. There are many good paying jobs out there but almost all of them require a degree of one sort or the other, even if it doesn't have anything to do with the job. That's just the way it is.
Also today, people don't work just one job for their entire lives. They need the education and skills for many jobs, because you never know when one job will shut down, be transferred to India, or just end up insufficient to pay a decent salary. A young person starting out today better have a back up, just in case. You better know both welding and computer programming.
And college is way more expensive than people here think. Older people talk about kids working their way through college just like they did with a part-time job. That's delusional thinking these days. Besides, the more help a student gets going to college, the faster he finishes, and the sooner he starts paying back college loans, making money, and saving for retirement. College is a huge boost to a person's life, no matter which way you look at it.
My own parents couldn't have cared less about us kids getting a college degree and I still struggle with the omission. The most I ever earned was $12/hr, what little savings I had got eaten up in emergencies, I have nothing saved for retirement, I've lived out of my vehicle, and what evening college classes I could do were hit and miss depending on how much money I had at any given time and non-accommodating job schedules (a given with low wage jobs). When my dad lost his job and he and my mother needed financial help, I had none to offer. Neither did my brothers.
Most parents used to think all they needed to do for their kids was provide clothes for them to wear, food for them to eat, and a roof over their head, and that was sufficient to gain their respect. Nothing else. So it's your call.
Parents have free will and the choice to let their retirement savings be affected, or not, is theirs to make and then live with the results. The blame is theirs alone.
You guys act as if this is something new? Jimminy Cricket - I’ve seen instances of this all of my life.
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