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#1 Why is it some parents have the belief they owe their child a college education? I just don't get it.
If you can pay for it then pay for it but it is not owed... after graduation from high school they are ADULTS and can pay their own way which includes college.
Signing a student loan? Are you nuts? As I understand it a federally insured student loan is one of the very, very few things the government can take from your social security benefit which is crazy.
I was a real hard ass in raising my kids. I paid for college because I was able to but before I did they had to clear their major with me and convince me they could earn a free and independent living with their degree so once graduated I would no longer have any reason to support them.
Upon graduation from high school I purchased them a new car with the understanding that as long as they were in college FULL TIME without any breaks I would pay the monthly payment, the insurance and give them a gas credit card with the full understanding that if they quit school, or even took a "break", the car would be totally their responsibility. I would get my gas credit card back, stop insurance payments and if they couldn't make the car payments I would sell the car from under them.
They knew their dad over the years and they knew what I said I meant... there was no misunderstanding.
Like I said I was a real hard ass and meant every word I said.
Upon graduation from college I would sign the car over to them.... basically they would leave college with very little debt and a fully paid for reasonably new car.
A little college debt... I made them take a $1,250 loan for every semester so they would leave college with a $10,000 debt because I wanted them to have skin in the game. Poor babies!
They had jobs before they graduated but the rule was they had 30 days after graduation to find a job and be out of the house. I raised my children to be independent and that meant not living at home.
Why would a parent jeopardize their retirement for their blood sucking kids is beyond me. The secret here is to raise your kids not to be blood suckers by laying out all the rules early, clearly, repeat often and always mean exactly what you say and back it up. Never an empty threat.
If you are a dad you are not their best friend. Kids will have best friends their entire lives but they have only one dad so act like it.
These kinds of articles really tick me off because it isn't the kids it's the stupid parents that made them that way!
You seem like a complete hard-ass!
Just kidding, we did somewhat the same for our daughters (not quite as much as you did, but there was rules for sure).
Every family situation is different, if there are agreements that are abided between child/parents, it can work out and help kids start out in life.
It gets sticky also when your own children have kids of their own before being financially/emotionally ready for it for sure.
I have a long time friend in her 50's who has grandchildren now. She has to move between states once in a while to avoid having grandchildren simply dropped off without warning for long term care, it drives her crazy.
#1 Why is it some parents have the belief they owe their child a college education? I just don't get it.
If you can pay for it then pay for it but it is not owed... after graduation from high school they are ADULTS and can pay their own way which includes college.
Signing a student loan? Are you nuts? As I understand it a federally insured student loan is one of the very, very few things the government can take from your social security benefit which is crazy.
I was a real hard ass in raising my kids. I paid for college because I was able to but before I did they had to clear their major with me and convince me they could earn a free and independent living with their degree so once graduated I would no longer have any reason to support them.
Upon graduation from high school I purchased them a new car with the understanding that as long as they were in college FULL TIME without any breaks I would pay the monthly payment, the insurance and give them a gas credit card with the full understanding that if they quit school, or even took a "break", the car would be totally their responsibility. I would get my gas credit card back, stop insurance payments and if they couldn't make the car payments I would sell the car from under them.
They knew their dad over the years and they knew what I said I meant... there was no misunderstanding.
Like I said I was a real hard ass and meant every word I said.
Upon graduation from college I would sign the car over to them.... basically they would leave college with very little debt and a fully paid for reasonably new car.
A little college debt... I made them take a $1,250 loan for every semester so they would leave college with a $10,000 debt because I wanted them to have skin in the game. Poor babies!
They had jobs before they graduated but the rule was they had 30 days after graduation to find a job and be out of the house. I raised my children to be independent and that meant not living at home.
Why would a parent jeopardize their retirement for their blood sucking kids is beyond me. The secret here is to raise your kids not to be blood suckers by laying out all the rules early, clearly, repeat often and always mean exactly what you say and back it up. Never an empty threat.
If you are a dad you are not their best friend. Kids will have best friends their entire lives but they have only one dad so act like it.
These kinds of articles really tick me off because it isn't the kids it's the stupid parents that made them that way!
Buying them cars (NEW!), paying for gas and insurance and paying all but $1,250/semester is being a harda$$? What planet are you living on? You can do whatever you want since you say you're able to afford it.
But parents without the means should not attempt to take on cars/college/wedding/downpayments for houses for their kids. The kids have years of earning income ahead of them and middle-aged parents do NOT.
I try not to concern myself with how other parents deal with their adult children, as long as they're not physically or emotionally abusing them.
In my observation - I realize this is not a popular stance - how parents treat their children has little impact in the long run on how dependent or independent they turn out to be.
And if parents end up financially destitute because they give financial support to their adult children, well that's their choice and again it's none of my business.
We didn't make much money so our son qualified for free College. We helped him in any way we could and would still do so.
He has a 4 year degree in Exercise Science. And 3 AA degrees. He started working for a large Tech Company while in College 20 hrs a week from home. He remained there until just recently. Upon his departure, he was at $25 per hr but never enjoyed it. Stuck it out too long. In fact, the part of the brain you use for talking has always been an issue for him.
He likes to talk but has never been able to do it alot as it causes his brain to hurt. He is now substitute teaching.
He was at home until age 27 when he bought his home. I wanted him there.We did not charge him rent, he saved up his money for the house. He was frugal. He also inherited a little and we paid for half of the down payment (25K). We always provided his cars but he always had a job in high school WHILE attending College. Looking back, no one has ever accomplished what he was dong. I believe he was on a 4-5 year Bipolar high becuase after he got his 4 yr degree, he bombed bigtime. Still to this day have never heard of anyone doing as much as he did, for so long. Too bad I didn't see the signs....he's a carcass of what he was before. He used to be so smart. Now just showering is a struggle for him though he;s always loved school.
I would never consider giving him any ultimatums though I did in high school. He was shy so I pushed him into getting a job. Then he started taking extra classes because it is free while in High school. Well its free for him anyhow because his parents don't ake much money.
It was tough at first, he was terrified at 16 but did fine. Kids have different personalities. There was no desire to push him out of the family until he was well established. Doing so before, is tossing someone into the deep water telling them to learn to swim. NO. Before going into the deep water, ensure they CAN swim first.
Kids have different personalities. He has alot of Apple Stock, whatever an employee was allowed to buy at the discounted price. He maxed out his 401k during those years so is now in a position to just substitute. He has a roommate. He started dating a girl but with his mental issues, we'll see. He'd work 40-50 hrs a week for the last 4 years sleeping in between trying to heal his brain in between shifts.
Substituting 3-4 days a week is great. He's actually been healing faster since starting to Sub. He plans on filling in during the 6 week summer vacation. We never worried about supporting him long, we knew he'd do it. Sadly his first roommate got on drugs and killed the family dog. And he had a breakdown from working his brain like that for so long. So for almost a year, he stayed home depressed.
Life will toss hardballs at kids, we don't need to make it harder for them. Teaching, believe it or not, isn't all talking. It's just 6 hrs a day. Subs are off almost as fast as the kids leave, so no forced overtime. Tech support is constant calls coming in, trying to meet quotas for time, listening to complainers, while ensuring the call was successful. Trainings. Teams are competing with each other. Teaching is so much easier for him. Less pressure
Maybe down the line, he'll go full time teaching but he's invested enough in this 401k & Apple stocks, and his savings. He has an IRA he invests 5K each year. When you start saving earlier rather than later, that's the way to go. He'll be fine but just in case (due to the mental thing) we are not overly spending $$ and should have a nice home with about 100K for his inheritance. Our grandkids will need a leg up to be successful, it's the easiest way to ensure not supporting your kids for life and having a loving, intact, relationship.
We don't have children to ask what is the bare minimum is we owe them. Nor demand they better appreciate whatever we do beyond it. The Mexicans often have very good family relations. And for most of time, people lived in houses with their parents and grandparents. Well...at east generations on the same plot of land. This is back when family meant something. When people stayed together for the good of everyone, not complaining their sexual or emotional needs aren't met so causing the death of their family. Causing their kids to loose their Dads and vice versa. Financial independence does not start at 18, ensure they have a home and are set before pressuring them to fly.
You are correct, not all kids are the same and we all want the best for them and be self-sufficient. I would hope that OP is talking about able-mind and able-bodied young people, as I am acutely aware of many who are disabled physically and mentally who need familial support beyond their childhood.
Parents should be bending over backwards to support their children at any age. It's quite obvious no sane person would ever choose life to never having existed, or at the very least the guilt of having done such a thing to an unwilling victim should compel them to open up their wallets indefinitely.You made the choice knowing full well the consequences, parents, now you gotta pay for it, and if your kids are unable or unwilling to support themselves because of your poor parenting, that's your problem, not society's. I find a lot of these boomers just don't understand personal responsibility and accountability and would rather just walk away from their problems because they don't practice delaying gratification and long-term thinking. That's literally the risk of being a parent. Time to toughen up butter cup boomers and gen x.
Last edited by MrFlatworm; 04-24-2019 at 04:34 PM..
We plan to pay for our kids' colleges. They also know that they are welcome to come back home after graduation in order to save money as long as they have a job or are in graduate school. My kids are well behaved, top students, involved in church and activities and have never been considered "leeches".
Why do we plan on doing this? Because I get SO SICK of people my age (or older) say "When I was 18 I lived on my own" or "I worked my way through college with no debt". People have NO CLUE how much costs have skyrocketed for the younger generation. Unless you go into the military, an 18 year old has little chance of making it without some help. Rent for a one bedroom apartment even in the worst area is $1200 a month. Health insurance has skyrocketed. And tuition is ridiculous. State schools by us are $22k-30k a year with all the added fees and housing. Because housing is so expensive living on campus is actually CHEAPER in some schools. Community college (always touted as the greatest thing) is also $6k a year, and then again you have to have a place to live. You can transfer to a 4 year state school but it's tough getting all your classes as a transfer so the stats show that most community college students take another 3 years to get their degree (which means the $22k per year factor).
The fact is that things are NOT the way they used to be, and I am the first to say that my generation had it so much easier. Getting into college in my era was easy. I took the SAT one and done. I easily got into public universities (like UCLA) which now have some of the lowest acceptance rates in the nation and the highest requirements for GPA's and SAT's. College truly was affordable and you could work your way through school with little debt. The college I attended is now 4 TIMES what I paid. Wages have not kept up with the inflated costs of college, housing and healthcare.
My kids do know, however, that we have limits. No going to $60k a year private schools unless you get incredible scholarships. And they have to major in something reasonable that can lead to a realistic career. But I am happy to help my kids overcome the financial challenges that have been handed to their generation by irresponsible decisions of past ones.
We plan to pay for our kids' colleges. They also know that they are welcome to come back home after graduation in order to save money as long as they have a job or are in graduate school. My kids are well behaved, top students, involved in church and activities and have never been considered "leeches".
Why do we plan on doing this? Because I get SO SICK of people my age (or older) say "When I was 18 I lived on my own" or "I worked my way through college with no debt". People have NO CLUE how much costs have skyrocketed for the younger generation. Unless you go into the military, an 18 year old has little chance of making it without some help. Rent for a one bedroom apartment even in the worst area is $1200 a month. Health insurance has skyrocketed. And tuition is ridiculous. State schools by us are $22k-30k a year with all the added fees and housing. Because housing is so expensive living on campus is actually CHEAPER in some schools. Community college (always touted as the greatest thing) is also $6k a year, and then again you have to have a place to live. You can transfer to a 4 year state school but it's tough getting all your classes as a transfer so the stats show that most community college students take another 3 years to get their degree (which means the $22k per year factor).
The fact is that things are NOT the way they used to be, and I am the first to say that my generation had it so much easier. Getting into college in my era was easy. I took the SAT one and done. I easily got into public universities (like UCLA) which now have some of the lowest acceptance rates in the nation and the highest requirements for GPA's and SAT's. College truly was affordable and you could work your way through school with little debt. The college I attended is now 4 TIMES what I paid. Wages have not kept up with the inflated costs of college, housing and healthcare.
My kids do know, however, that we have limits. No going to $60k a year private schools unless you get incredible scholarships. And they have to major in something reasonable that can lead to a realistic career. But I am happy to help my kids overcome the financial challenges that have been handed to their generation by irresponsible decisions of past ones.
Well said, and sadly, very true. This "brave new world" actually started in the 90s.....
I don't understand why the federal student loan application REQUIRES the parent's financial info. If the applicant is an adult, how is this legal?
That reminded me that I was encouraged to apply for the Basic Educational Opportunity Grant (BEOG) in the 1970s and the school administration wanted my parent's financial information. I told them I had been away from home for over four years in the military, that my parents lived 700 hundred miles away and they were not paying, or could not pay, a dime for my education. The application was accepted and I got the very small grant.
Never took out any school loans.
Last edited by High_Plains_Retired; 04-24-2019 at 05:31 PM..
Parents should be bending over backwards to support their children at any age.
First, let me say that I moved out as soon as I got a real job (the day after I got out of college) because my parents were mean and wouldn't let my boyfriends have sleepovers in my room. Since I shared a room with my sister, I suspect she might have had a problem with it, too. And you know what? It's a really good feeling to provide for yourself. I see that with my son, who's supporting a wife and 2 (soon to be 3) kids on his salary. He's proud of what they've built together. If Mommy Megabucks had shelled out for a down payment on a McMansion with a pool, bought the granddaughters designer clothes, bought them new cars, etc. I would have taken that pride away from them.
And no, you have to set limits. My first husband was a financial train wreck and I tried to prop him up and keep him happy with all his "wants". For some people, everything you can do isn't enough and you have to save your own skin. His sister was my role model- she and her husband started a business on a shoestring and ended up with a floor-through on Park Avenue across from the Plaza Athenee AND a gorgeous place in Mantoloking, NJ on a private beach. She could have propped him up for the rest of his life and it wouldn't have made a dent in her budget. She didn't. He eventually self-destructed.
And I have a friend in my Toastmasters Club who's in his 50s and looking for a job as an architect for sports structures. The recession was pretty brutal and now he's out of work again- but was talking about having to ante up fraternity dues for the son he had at age 40. It boggles my mind. Sometimes you gotta say no.
America is one of the fe countries where 18-22 years old are expected to move out the house permanently. In many countries, it's very normal for kids to stay around well into their 30s
But if your grown kid is costing you your retirement, then you have failed as a parent
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And you know what? It's a really good feeling to provide for yourself. I see that with my son, who's supporting a wife and 2 (soon to be 3) kids on his salary. He's proud of what they've built together. If Mommy Megabucks had shelled out for a down payment on a McMansion with a pool, bought the granddaughters designer clothes, bought them new cars, etc. I would have taken that pride away from them.
