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No one is expecting them to go out and run marathons. I fully acknowledge mom has a lot of issues.
Still, they're locked into a rut. Friday is his mowing/yard/gym day. Saturday is the Target/Sam's/Walmart day. Sunday it's sit in the house and watch TV, and maybe venture as far as the mailbox. It is very, very rare that they're out past 1 PM on a Sunday. There are very rarely any breaks in this routine. She never gets dressed beyond her robe/gown on most Sundays.
At 61, they are who they are. They're not going to change. She's had a lot of health issues, most of which are least aggravated by lifestyle problems. If this won't motivate her to change, I don't know what will. The best you can is to meet them where they are and accept the issues.
They were from a week ago this past Saturday to this past Thursday. I checked on the cats every other day and cleaned/organized the hoarded bedroom one day after work. I talked to dad about it and he said go ahead - mom would never agree to it, but left to herself, she'd never do anything. He won't upset the apple cart with her.
I hauled off 22 empty shoe boxes with no shoes in them. Dad had hung a shoe rack on the door, but shoes were spilled all over the floor with no shoes on the rack. I racked as many as I could. Tons of empty packaging from things she had bought and hadn't even taken the packaging away. 16 Michael Kors purses, many laying in the floor under other debris, and many with the original MSRP tags on them. There were 54 total purses, and I organized them in totes with lids off alphabetically by maker. Many of the purses had old gum, crackers, breakfast bars from <2017. There were multiple comforters and sheets - one of which the cats had defecated on. Any old food or anything that was pooped on was discarded.
The window, ceiling fan, and closet in that bedroom were all inaccessible. I had to basically go item by item, stuffing things into bins, and cut a way in. What was hilarious was that once I did, the actual closet itself was maybe half full of clothes. There were clothes on hangars in the floor buried under other random crap. The floor was basically a debris field. I got the caked dust off the fan (only the bottoms of the blades were not caked), changed those bulbs, and got the fan operable again. The window can be accessed. The closet can be used properly.
I ran the vacuum over all the corners and places on the walls where I saw cobwebs, organized things into bins by type/alphabetically, hauled off the trash, etc. It's not perfect, but that still took me four to five hours, and was two back ends of the Jeep of recyclables.
Thank you for the update.
It sounds like that was very productive, in a positive way. I had underestimated what you meant when you said that your mom was a hoarder. 54 purses?!?!? Man, oh man. I am happy with my three purses, one leather for winter, one cloth for summer and one small & sparkly for weddings/evenings out. (BTW, I do understand that some women have more purses than me, but 54 purses does seem pretty excessive unless you are as rich as a Kardashian.
It sounds like that was very productive, in a positive way. I had underestimated what you meant when you said that your mom was a hoarder. 54 purses?!?!? Man, oh man. I am happy with my three purses, one leather for winter, one cloth for summer and one small & sparkly for weddings/evenings out. (BTW, I do understand that some women have more purses than me, but 54 purses does seem pretty excessive unless you are as rich as a Kardashian.
These aren't $20-$50 items. Many had MSRP in $250-$350 range. Many were still in the original plastic packaging with tags attached. I found probably $2,000 in purses at the bottom of the debris field in the original packaging with tags. I blow a lot of money myself, but it's mostly on travel, alcohol, and consumer electronics I use on a daily basis. I spent $2,200 on a computer last year, but I'm on the computer at least a couple of hours most days. I didn't buy $2,200 worth of purses for them to end up piled under old bedding the cats pooped on on a bedroom floor.
I've offered to help her sell some of this stuff on Facebook. She has no idea what she has. She was mad when she came home and noticed the room was cleaned, and gave me a hateful call. She's since leveled out and thanked me for it. She's to the point that she has very little ability to manage her life outside of work and sitting in that chair, and I'm basically the project manager.
These aren't $20-$50 items. Many had MSRP in $250-$350 range. Many were still in the original plastic packaging with tags attached. I found probably $2,000 in purses at the bottom of the debris field in the original packaging with tags. I blow a lot of money myself, but it's mostly on travel, alcohol, and consumer electronics I use on a daily basis. I spent $2,200 on a computer last year, but I'm on the computer at least a couple of hours most days. I didn't buy $2,200 worth of purses for them to end up piled under old bedding the cats pooped on on a bedroom floor.
I've offered to help her sell some of this stuff on Facebook. She has no idea what she has. She was mad when she came home and noticed the room was cleaned, and gave me a hateful call. She's since leveled out and thanked me for it. She's to the point that she has very little ability to manage her life outside of work and sitting in that chair, and I'm basically the project manager.
They were at Myrtle Beach last week. Hotel was a bit south of there, but they spent three days shopping at outlets and malls based on his Facebook check-ins.
He said she got two more Michael Kors purses. He bought two pairs of New Balance 993 shoes, steeply discounted, but their lowest price on Amazon is $179, and up from there. He said he paid $90, but with tax, that's another nearly $200 on tennis shoes!
Apparently Under Armor had some deal going on, and they bought two pairs of shorts, two ****s, and two caps for him and me. I can use the shorts. I don't need the shirts. I definitely don't need the hats. I told him to take whatever he bought me back.
I love them, but they seem to be addicted to a lot of this pointless consumer spending on stuff that is just disposable. I might have a dozen hats. I don't need two more of styles I didn't select.
This might have been more acceptable at 40, but all this dumb spending on purses, clothes, etc., and essentially throw-away items when she is retiring in a few months and they are nowhere nearly financially prepared - I don't understand it. I've gotten myself into some boondoggles, but calmed down over the years. A new TV won't give me value equal to its cost in stimulation. I already have a 4K TV, non-HDR, but with great color. I have a 5K iMac with all the bells and whistles, with another 4K monitor beside it, but at least I use these things daily, many times for a few hours a day. I have C-D and a couple other items on my 5K iMac display, and a 4K EDM set going out to my Klipsch speakers that I can't crank in the apartment.
I have all the clothes and shoes I need. I replace stuff that gets broken or worn, or if I need something on a special basis, but I'm swimming in consumer stuff. I don't need more. I'm mostly sated. I might buy an odd or end here or there, but I have everything I need, and the vast majority of what I could reasonably want.
They're just spending like drunken sailors on cheaply made consumer crap.
I'm sure they'll claim they won't have money for a home project later on. The bathroom renovation money is sitting in the bedroom floor in her purse purchases, but he justifies it saying "she feels bad and the shopping makes her feel better." Maybe she gets a quick sugar high, but then she'll sit in the chair all day watching HGTV.
They were at Myrtle Beach last week. Hotel was a bit south of there, but they spent three days shopping at outlets and malls based on his Facebook check-ins.
He said she got two more Michael Kors purses. He bought two pairs of New Balance 993 shoes, steeply discounted, but their lowest price on Amazon is $179, and up from there. He said he paid $90, but with tax, that's another nearly $200 on tennis shoes!
Apparently Under Armor had some deal going on, and they bought two pairs of shorts, two ****s, and two caps for him and me. I can use the shorts. I don't need the shirts. I definitely don't need the hats. I told him to take whatever he bought me back.
I love them, but they seem to be addicted to a lot of this pointless consumer spending on stuff that is just disposable. I might have a dozen hats. I don't need two more of styles I didn't select.
This might have been more acceptable at 40, but all this dumb spending on purses, clothes, etc., and essentially throw-away items when she is retiring in a few months and they are nowhere nearly financially prepared - I don't understand it. I've gotten myself into some boondoggles, but calmed down over the years. A new TV won't give me value equal to its cost in stimulation. I already have a 4K TV, non-HDR, but with great color. I have a 5K iMac with all the bells and whistles, with another 4K monitor beside it, but at least I use these things daily, many times for a few hours a day. I have C-D and a couple other items on my 5K iMac display, and a 4K EDM set going out to my Klipsch speakers that I can't crank in the apartment.
I have all the clothes and shoes I need. I replace stuff that gets broken or worn, or if I need something on a special basis, but I'm swimming in consumer stuff. I don't need more. I'm mostly sated. I might buy an odd or end here or there, but I have everything I need, and the vast majority of what I could reasonably want.
They're just spending like drunken sailors on cheaply made consumer crap.
I'm sure they'll claim they won't have money for a home project later on. The bathroom renovation money is sitting in the bedroom floor in her purse purchases, but he justifies it saying "she feels bad and the shopping makes her feel better." Maybe she gets a quick sugar high, but then she'll sit in the chair all day watching HGTV.
They are bored. I have friends and siblings ten years older than me - 70 or so. They can go to our small town shops and Walmart every single day. Always buying new clothes. Now i admit that when i do buy clothes, one thing that i purchase will total up several of theirs, but it is only one and i keep it for a long time. I shop online. I don't care to be out there in the crowds even in a small town.
I hadn't gone to the "big" grocery store in months and i went last week. So many people. I'll stick to my very small town independent grocery.
I have another sibling that does the tv shopping. I hate that even after i tell her not to buy me anything, she will still get me stuff i do not want. It just irritates me so much that i was so close to just throwing her christmas gift in the trash. I gave it away instead. I don't want stuff.
I think you feel responsible for them. I also think this is a hard way for you to live.
I hope you are still doing your lifting and getting exercise.
But I also think you should not have to be so tied to them.
The best thing I can do is admit that I can't control them.
They're going to do what they want to do. Whenever I tell them this or that, no matter what value it has in itself, they always say, "cut back on your drinking."
I should, but that's not what I brought up to them. In their mind, anything I mention is completely invalid because my "brain is pickled" from being a heavy drinker.
I'm probably the only thinking rationally and soberly here. I live an active, full life with a more mentally demanding career, a lot of travel, frequent weekend trips, and a lot of different hobbies. I couldn't do what I do if I was significantly mentally impaired. I couldn't post this well on this forum as often as I do if I was chronically impaired by my alcohol consumption.
They are bored. I have friends and siblings ten years older than me - 70 or so. They can go to our small town shops and Walmart every single day. Always buying new clothes. Now i admit that when i do buy clothes, one thing that i purchase will total up several of theirs, but it is only one and i keep it for a long time. I shop online. I don't care to be out there in the crowds even in a small town.
I hadn't gone to the "big" grocery store in months and i went last week. So many people. I'll stick to my very small town independent grocery.
I have another sibling that does the tv shopping. I hate that even after i tell her not to buy me anything, she will still get me stuff i do not want. It just irritates me so much that i was so close to just throwing her christmas gift in the trash. I gave it away instead. I don't want stuff.
I agree.
Mom is the big buyer, but it has rubbed off on dad. He's now buying the crap. All this purchasing, to me, is trying to fill some sort of emotional void.
He has probably four to five pairs of those 993s. He's bought them for years. Why does he need two more? Why does she need all those purses? He also has lots of other shoes.
To me, all they're doing is giving themselves a quick sugar high, and not addressing the underlying issues that are compelling them toward these shopping tendencies. Something is psychologically broken.
I grew up working to middle class. They sacrificed a good bit to provide me with what I wanted, but we never did the consumer stuff growing up to the level that they are doing today. I didn't have the name brand clothes. I was always dressed fine but it wasn't in the popular mall brands of the time. Instead of the Belk brand or purse, now it's Michael Kors.
When I was talking to the 1%er uncle, we agreed it's BS. No one needs this crap. It might make you happier for a day or two after you buy it, but inside, you're still empty. Two bins of Michael Kors purses where you can't even identify what you bought is a problem. I made it accessible after a half day's work, but they won't do anything. When I came over tonight, she started putting clothes on the door facing again. It was all I could do to not put them in her closet and correct her.
Ultimately, I'm dealing with people who have the mindset of small children and do not realize they are going to collide into the financial wall in a couple of years.
The best thing I can do is admit that I can't control them.
They're going to do what they want to do. Whenever I tell them this or that, no matter what value it has in itself, they always say, "cut back on your drinking."
I should, but that's not what I brought up to them. In their mind, anything I mention is completely invalid because my "brain is pickled" from being a heavy drinker.
I'm probably the only thinking rationally and soberly here. I live an active, full life with a more mentally demanding career, a lot of travel, frequent weekend trips, and a lot of different hobbies. I couldn't do what I do if I was significantly mentally impaired. I couldn't post this well on this forum as often as I do if I was chronically impaired by my alcohol consumption.
You sound like you're either a functioning alcoholic or one that is in denial on how much alcohol affects your life. Either way, your liver doesn't appreciate it.
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