Helping a Friend (continued) (move, community, social security, dumped)

[otterhere]

I posted about this person previously (and no, it's not me posing as "a friend," because I have both money AND insurance and NO children, thank goodness). And yes, this is long...

As you may or may not recall, she (retired) was trying to get her sick husband, also retired and debilitated by a stroke, on Medicaid to cover nursing home costs, but was stymied by a rather complicated property situation. They had no assets (neither ever worked much or saved at all), lived only on Social Security, but owned some property. To spell it out:

House A is the one she and her husband bought as a couple; it's paid off, and she still legally owns it. They moved, and Child 1 is now living in that house with his family for free under the assumption that he has essentially inherited it. Both he and his wife work full-time as well as receive gifts from the wife's parents and have plenty of money for luxuries; they could well afford to buy the house.

House B was the husband's mother's house, into which the couple moved when the MIL got sick. She died, leaving it (it turns out) only to the husband, in whose name it still is. Child B, who has learning disabilities and can't live independently but does work full-time, also lives there. The plan was for this child to inherit the second house as the first child would inherit the first house. Neither house was legally transferred into either child's name; that was just "the promise." Of course, they weren't rich enough to be giving away houses, but anyway!

The husband died in the hospital thanks to palliative care, which Child 1 was pushing for against my friend's wishes (she finally acquiesced), without ever entering a nursing home, so the immediate need for Medicaid was no longer an issue. However...

My friend now cannot afford, living on just SS, to pay her monthly living expenses, utilities, AND the mortgage, which the dead husband's SS - which has now gone away - previously covered, for House B (which she tells me is STILL in the MIL's name?) as well as the perks she's STILL paying for Child 1 in House A (such as his phone bill and property taxes; why???), so Child 2 - who again works full-time - has taken over the mortgage for House B, which remains in the dead husband's name.

So, as things stand now (bear with me):

Child 1, who is financially well-off, is still living for free in a paid off house he will eventually inherit since it's an asset, while Child 2 is paying for the other house, to the tune of $1k/month. Meanwhile, my friend, who has no other assets and lives on just a small SS check, can't qualify for Medicaid herself because she owns a property in which she does NOT live and doesn't own the property in which she DOES live. She would have to sell House A and then spend that money (not give it away) in order to qualify one day.

So Child 2 is paying for his house (another $90k on the mortgage), but Child 1 -- when asked to -- has essentially refused. They "can't afford to make payments" (not true). It's "not a good time to take out a mortgage, interest rates are too high," and "if we have to pay for house, we might move somewhere else and buy another one." There's also the implicit threat that if my friend cuts Child 1 off or demands payment for the house, they'll in turn cut off contact with the grandchildren. This terrifies her, so she's just letting things stay as they are. Child 2, I guess not knowing any better, seems fine with it. The icing on the cake is that Child 1 is also a repeat offender when it comes to begging for free money online for such things as meal trains, GoFundMe's, and baby registers in time of "need."

When she dies, Child 1 will inherit his house free and clear, while disabled Child 2 will still be stuck paying the mortgage for his and inherit nothing, which is obviously patently unfair. Meanwhile, my friend won't qualify for Medicaid should she need it unless and until some situation forces the sale of House A and is living a poverty-stricken existence with no money at all for incidentals left after paying utilities each month while Child 1 has nothing but disposable income to waste and enjoy. I refuse to lend my friend money because she HAS money if she would just get it out of that house.

If Child 1 won't pay for it, sell it out from under him to someone who will, is my advice, but she won't.

What recourse does my friend have? I know the answer is "go to a lawyer," but again she won't.

My question now is: is this reportable elder abuse on the part of Child 1 over House A? And can you see me trying to explain this on some whistleblower hotline???

[DesertRat56]

I am sorry for your friend. She needs to make a legal lease and start charging child A rent. I can't believe that these peopel don't care enough about their mother to help her out. I can't even imagine how people could be like that, unless they are addicts like my cousins, who dumped their mother on the street after she signed everything over to them, which is why she lives with me. Good Lord! quit spoiling your children, or fostering some kind of entitlement attitudes that puts you into the poor house! Tell your friend to get a grip and force her children to grow up. She can evict them if they refuse to sign a lease and giver her rent.

[otterhere]

I honestly believe Child 1 in House A (I know; it's complicated) is a sociopath, but not the trashy type; they live a very nice middle-class+ lifestyle thanks to all the free money they receive. He's well thought of in the community and is living "The Life of Riley." But yes, he was spoiled rotten (mostly by his father, who was dominant) and believes he's entitled to all the perks. Not only does he not care about his mother living in poverty, he didn't care about his father dying in palliative care rather than surviving if it meant "his" house would have to be sold, either to him or someone else, to pay for the nursing home.

That's cold...

I've told her that at the VERY least, for every mortgage payment Child 2 makes for House B, Child 1 should pay her the same amount for House A. This would allow her to live decently each month and be fair to Child 2, at least for the time being. She agrees, but says she "can't make him."

Again, she doesn't qualify for any government aid because she owns a property in which she doesn't reside. Another solution would be to SWITCH houses (she would be allowed to own the house in which she lives and still qualify for aid), but Child 1 wants the larger House A to house his larger family.

[kavm]

Sorry situation but not one that can be helped while the principal (your friend) is not willing to do what is necessary. There is no way to give into the emotional blackmail (the implicit threat not letting her see the grandkids) and push for things like elder abuse. If the elder abuse were reported and investigated, how would your friend confirm it when she is not able to stand up for herself (and earlier her husband) to the first son?

[otterhere]

Originally Posted by kavm

If the elder abuse were reported and investigated, how would your friend confirm it when she is not able to stand up for herself (and earlier her husband) to the first son?

I suppose that's true; she would have to "testify" against her Golden Child 1, but at least it would alert authorities. I also wouldn't put it past her to try to apply for Medicaid without reporting that she owns House A in order not to displace him. In the previous application, she and her husband "claimed" only House B.

[StealthRabbit]

Hint:
1) spoiled kids will never change or grow up on their own. They need painful incentive. No escaping that, no mitigated easy way out. Must be tough as nails (for their benefit, not their enabling poor behavior.

2) life is not fair. Child A is totally different than Child B, and must be treated appropriately. (For each)

3) Estate attorney will be vital to sort this out. They've heard all the excuses before. There will be a very practical, legal and final solution. No mess required.

4) time is of the essence. Delaying can lead to disastrous and undesired
results. Fix it NOW (or probably never).

[evening sun]

She has to find the will & determination to help herself. Move into house 1 & apply for medicaid.

[otterhere]

Originally Posted by evening sun

She has to find the will & determination to help herself. Move into house 1 & apply for medicaid.

WITH Child 1 (the DIL would love that), or kick him and the grandchildren out first? I'm afraid she won't unless and until the need for Medicaid presents itself; for now, she's content to let things ride, although it's grossly unfair to Child 2 who, if anything, should be cut more slack than Child 1. It's very frustrating to see this play out with greedy Child 1 winning all the marbles every time.

[evening sun]

Originally Posted by otterhere

WITH Child 1 (the DIL would love that), or kick him and the grandchildren out first? I'm afraid she won't unless and until the need for Medicaid presents itself; for now, she's content to let things ride, although it's grossly unfair to Child 2 who, if anything, should be cut more slack than Child 1. It's very frustrating to see this play out with greedy Child 1 winning all the marbles every time.

i agree it is very unfair to child 2, but it is not really your business, if you are just a friend. No One can do it, except herself.

[considerforamoment]

If your friend is incompetent, then the person who succeeds her (hopefully she's named someone trustworthy) can have the courts declare her incompetent and the successor would then act in her best interests for all holdings.