Daily Joke Thread (roofing, tuition, driveway)

[mooguy]

Canadian jokes.........................
Why do Canadians only **** doggy style?.....so they can BOTH watch the hockey game.
Why is the Loon the perfect national bird?.....because it's reclusive, shy, and flies south for the winter
Why did the Canadian cross the road?..........to get to the middle
How do you spell Canada?......C,eh,n,eh,d,eh
An American, Jew, and Canadian are all in a car crash. They all go to the pearly gates and Peter says that they have all earned their place in heaven but he says due to cost of living and inflation there is now a $100 entrance fee. Well being a god fearing American he pays the money and enters heaven. Well about 2 weeks later Jesus comes up to the American and asks wheree are his Jewish and Canadian friends? The American says the Jewish guy is still negotiating over the price and the Canadian is waiting for the government to pay for it.
God meets a guy and likes him so much he was going to create him a country and call it Canada. He went to the country and thanked god so much for giving him such a big, beautiful, peaceful, tolerant country but then god chuckles to himself and says "ya, but wait til you meet the neighbours".
What do you call a Canadian *****?............a popsical.
What do Canadians do when they see a guy having an epileptic seizure? ...talk off their gloves and warm their hands
Why do Canadians feel cheated? Because with our history and culture we should have gotten French culture, British government, and the American economy but instead we got French government, American culture, and a British economy.

[RodLu]

Originally Posted by Merovee

Initially it was humorous but then I became some what mortified. Hopefully their parents consulted them in the dangers of such scenarios and told them as they grew the risk would increase. Imagine this kid remembering how much fun it was and tried this on a vending machine in the fifth grade or something. Prime candidate for a 1000 Ways to Die.

Oh, we are all Imperfect Yet Prime Candidates for more than 1,000 Ways To Death.....at any age.......

[sapphire]

Shannon and Sabrina were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Shannon was nailing down house siding, and would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Sabrina, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?'
Shannon explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.'
Sabrina got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'

[Merovee]

Nice jokes today.

mooguy reminded me of one and here it is in variant form:

Three guys all died at the same exact moment on Earth and showed up in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates at the same time.

St. Peter pointed at one and asked him who he was and why he should be allowed into heaven.

The gentleman stepped forward and said he helped feed the homeless at a church mission and not only fed their bellies but also their souls.

St. Peter smiled approvingly and said that he may enter.

He then chose a second man and asked of him the same question.

The man stepped forward and said he was an EMT who helped save many lives but also at times held the hands of the dying to offer them comfort in their last moments.

St. Peter beamed and looked quite impressed and told him he too could enter.

The last one standing stepped forward on his own and before even being asked told St. Peter that he worked at a hospital for an HMO and helped the sick get the best care at the cheapest rates.

St. Peter stroked his chin for a moment then said 'OK' that he could enter as well but could only stay for three days.

[RodLu]

[LilyLady]

Just because it's Sunday, folks.....

An elderly, god-fearing Bible-believing gal was at home alone. It was night time when she heard a noise downstairs. She crept down the stairs quietly. Upon seeing a burglar, she screamed out, "ACTS 2:38!" The burglar stopped, raised his hands up in the air and didn't move. The gal called 911 and the police came quickly.

As the cop was handcuffing the burglar, he asked him, "What'd she say to make you give up? She told us all she did was quote a scripture passage to you." The burglar replied, "Scripture??!!! I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's!!!"

PS: for those who may not be familiar with it (and I'm paraphrasing the verse with apologies to the gospel of Luke) Acts 2:38 contains the words "...repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins...."

[Merovee]

^ Pentecostal jokes lol

[mkfarnam]

This week we celebrate a special birthday.

Monica Lewinsky turns 44.
Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees,
putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

[elnina]

This is just the right time for this to be circulating.

A guy took his "blond" girlfriend to her first football game. They had great
seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she
liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all
the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each
other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!'

[RodLu]

New Work Policies


SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of your employment contract.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacations at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is unavoidable, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors (in writing) must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Overweight people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing financially well and therefore you do not need a raise.




Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should
be directed to GETLOSTPUNK RESOURCES.


Have a nice week.

Human Resources Department