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no, not gonna be my 2023

Posted 12-29-2022 at 12:42 AM by trickydawn
Updated 12-29-2022 at 06:33 AM by trickydawn (adding)


It's the 29th of December. Louie has been back for exactly thirteen days. Most days have been great. Yes I have a wall that keeps getting thicker and higher. Builds much quicker than it ever comes down, because it seems just as I'm about to take down a brick, or even just as one comes down, three get added BAM BAM BAM in rapid succession. I don't know what else I can do. I am with him almost 24/7, and 99 percent of the time I am not with him, I am at the apt sleeping and he is off doing errands, plasma, going to store or whatever. But I still cannot seem to keep him from getting suspicious I am doing something shady and lying to him, or keep him from drinking, daily since he has been back this time, or keep him from saying he is going back to NV and threatening to call or get back to Lisa. Of course until he drinks too much or I go to the store alone or he just gets in his head, it is all "I love you, I want to marry you, I only want you, I have always been in love with you, I never want to be without you" you know, same ****. So here we go for tonight.
Asked Louie not to drink today. I've asked a few different days, always nervous not knowing how he will react, and he will say he won't, but it doesn't end up that way. He said ok he won't this time, but when I got up today, he smelled of alcohol pretty strongly, but as the afternoon went on, he was acting like he had been drinking. I asked, he said he hadn't, it was from the pint he drank yesterday, but was already showing a bit of agitation. Not sober Louie, not the sweet, patient man I love. I can't say I'm positive he hadn't drank, but my gut and nose felt he had. He told me why he yelled in his sleep last night. He had been dreaming that his Dad was accusing Lisa of stealing money from him, but had no proof, so he was defending her, and yelled out, "Well he's being a ****ing *******!" I don't know who he was talking to in the dream, but that was what he was dreaming. He than told me he also dreamed that he had woke up this morning and found Matthew and me sitting on our couch in the living room. That was pretty out of nowhere, and I could tell it hadn't started his day off very well, and he admited later it got him all in his head. But still, he said he hadn't drank today. BUT STILL, he is acting like it. When he drinks more than two or three shots, he almost instantly becomes overly loud,takes normal joking or even just asking him to let me cook in kitchen without him in and out will hurt his feelings or make him irritable, can't get him to hear me complete a full sentence, he's short tempered with other cars on the road, (and he isn't even driving) and saying run over this person, or he's gonna punch this or that person for whatever. I know he is joking, pretty sure anyways, but his joking is always about being violent and his fuse IS short. With me, Corky, strangers, even ppl on tv. Ya know, pretty common guy stuff when drinking.
But than of course, out of nowhere, it excelled and I became the target. Of course.

We go to Walmart. I thought just for soup stuff, but we ended up with about $50 in groceries, which we needed. He had a salmon in the cart, and i didn't see it for a few aisles, but when I did, it surprised me. Mostly because he knows how offensive the odor of any seafood is to me, and I have told him the story about trying to take Jodi to her birthday dinner she picked at King Buffet one year, and I didn't get past the register when I had to run back out to parking lot and started throwing up until I was able to stop and get in my car so the smell of seafood wasn't noticeable. I'm not being a whiny little *****. I have a very strong physical reaction to the smell, and dozens of people throughout my lifetime have said the same things to me. "This particular fish doesn't smell. This type of seafood isn't fishy tasting. Oh, you can't taste anything seafoodish or smell if it's cooked right." From lobster, crab, anchovies, salmon, tuna, BBQ'd, boiled, grilled, in casseroles, deep fried, fresh or store bought, you name it, I have been told the same things. Every person was wrong. Maybe not wrong in their taste or smell senses, but I have been blessed with an aversion to all seafood, along with the gift of hypersensitive smelling. Same with hearing, but that doesn't apply here, obviously. The sense of smell directly affects the sense of taste tho, so I get overwhelmed by it, and don't give a damn that others don't understand because they don't have that issue. Anyways, because of that, I was surprised he had put it in the cart. Since we were married, and on several occasions throughout our relationship, I have said that him eating it is not for me to say yay or nay to, nor would I because that's an ******* thing for someone to even think they have that right anyways. I would expect someone around me, especially someone who loves me, to be sensitive to my issue tho, and respect that cooking it in our house, or attempting to force kisses on me right after they eat it, etc, is not cool at all. I didn't mean to upset him, and I rarely think before speaking, especially if I am feeling comfortable with who I'm with, as well as myself. Out of my mouth came, "So...you're cooking salmon in our kitchen?" Part statement, part surprise. That is what I was feeling as I said it. I instantly regretted the words coming out when his body language instantly changed, and Louie quickly grabbed the salmon out of the cart. His irritation was instant, and with a tight jaw, he replied, "NOPE, I'm ****ing putting it back." I tried to tell him no, but he stomped off. In hindsight, I feel like I'm the one that should've been upset, if anyone. He knows how bad I react and dislike it, and have NO problem compromising or just setting my feelings aside for his in SOOO many different scenarios, because that is what a relationship and loving someone is all about. I don't want him to feel ill just so I can do something. I don't ask him to become horribly uncomfortable in situations just so I can have my way because I like it. We both have to put ourselves out at times for the other, or let the other do what brings them joy or helps them, by themselves (not something that comes easy for him). Anyways, I hadn't wanted to upset him, and salmon can be eaten at a restaurant, or grilled when camping, or with anyone that doesn't require cooking where I eat, sleep, and live, but the day seemed to go downhill fast after that. In my eyes anyways.

Get home, put away groceries, go for a walk with Corky, and head home. My step dad calls to say he sent me some money, and I gotta pick it up at Walmart. UGH, I hate Walmart and we had already been there, just two hours ago, but I need to pick it up. Louie is tired and opts to stay home. HE chooses to stay home, and although I enjoy a little time to have my own thoughts and space, I am already nervous. Seems anytime I go to the store, the only place I ever really go alone, there is gonna be an issue when I get home. This happens if he tells me to go alone to just get some alone time, or if he just wants to stay home because he is tired or hurting. Walmart, to Jc's to visit, or any of the very few places I go alone on any of the rare occasions I do, it ends up an issue. I enjoy doing things, even the everyday errands, with Louie. I also enjoy doing the errands, or anything, like an adult and on my own. I'm used to that as well, as I have been doing things on my own for most of my life. I mean the normal running a household type **** like shopping, picking out things for home, cooking, deciding where to put things in the home, you know, homemaking ****. But it has been a nice change to have Louie to do some of this with. New experience for me and nice. To a point. But being taken back to our married years, where I have to account for every minute gone while I go to the store, and defend why it took so many more minutes than Louie feels it should have, is NOT something i thought I would ever have to go through again, especially at almost 50 ****ing years old. Add having to argue that he thinks I am lying about where I go, what road I took to get there, if I was with someone else, if every time I get in my car without him I went to meet some imaginary guy or imaginary friend and smoked some imaginary dope with them, and I AM IN HELL. No worries tho, because I also get to look forward to angry Louie slamming **** around house, telling me he is leaving back to NV again, scaring Corky, bringing Lisa into it and calling her or just using her to make some juvenile threats and comments that he will call her because at least SHE loves him or wants to talk to him, etc. Ya, after coming back from three different places after an hour and half, not even stopping to put money on my card like I wanted because I was too anxious it took SO LONG at the walmart money center three days after Christmas during work traffic and the busiest time of the day to go to the grocery store, getting gas, and stopping to get his two shots the man that hadn't drank and said he wouldn't drink today won't stop asking me for, I get home. He says he did start to get mad while I was gone, but told himself I was an adult and can go places alone, (WOW, what a modern man and how lucky of a grown ass woman am I!?!) so he was ok now. Took his two shots, and less than ten minutes later said he was going to the store. I knew that meant more booze, knew I couldn't ask him not to without him going off, cuz i know his moods and temperament, so I just say I will go with him, hoping he won't buy as much if I go. We get around the corner, and he demands to be let out of the car because I don't want to discuss how Jacobey and I should be doing an intervention on my nephew, who isn't my nephew according to Louie, and Louie has never even met. That was enough for him to want out of car, and off he goes. I don't know if he is going home or what, I just know my anxiety is now through the roof, my stomach hurts, do I go home and be waiting for him to come and be an ******* to me, as he is obviously pissed off I have an opinion about someone I have known since he was born, Louie has never met and doesn't know his parents, siblings, life or anything, but I should have just agreed I suppose if I didn't want to be somebody that deserves to be treated the way he treats me afterwards.

i just drive a bit, than pull over and yes, cry cuz that's what I do when I am angry, hurt, scared, anxious, and don't know what will come next, but know it isn't over, and I have no good options. I try to blast music and drive some more, because that has always been a destressor for me and one of my go to tools to calm down, but all the radio stations play nothing that I can sing with at the top of my lungs and I can't play my playlists through the car anymore. Stop again and just sit. I'm pissed and sad that I am AGAIN in this position. Too anxious to go to my own apt, anxious NOT to go to my apt, worried about Corky, worried about whatever belongings he might want to destroy, i just don't know when he gets like this and it sucks because I have NO GOOD options. NOthing I can say to him, nothing I can do will calm the situation, nothing. Louie does Louie. Period. If Louie is mad, he doesn't care who knows it and if he hurts with words or actions, or even if he is right or wrong. When Louie has calmed down and is sorry, whoever he treated badly needs to be ok now and accept his apology, and forget about it with no more feelings on it. When Louie is tired, hungry, in pain, everything he says or does is excusable because he is tired, hungry or in pain. If I am tired, hungry, in pain, or busy, hopefully Louie is ok with it. If not, it will be my fault he drank, got high, called or even slept with Lisa, was angry, couldn't sleep, is bored, yelled or broke something. Why? I feel like, if Louie isn't in repair mode, like getting back in golden boy status/best friend status/best Dad/husband, just good graces with whoever, than Louie isn't thinking or acting on anyones behalf but his own. I know, sounds really harsh. But if Louie is happy with things as they currently are with you, he is the BEST friend, bf, husband, boss, Dad, brother, etc, anyone could ever wish for. The moment Louie is bored, angry, doesn't feel like he is getting enough attention, feels unimportant or special to you, oh man, you will feel every bit of it and wish you could hide under a rock.
Yep, just one day shy of two weeks, and twice I've been told Louie is going back to Nevada, ever single day, the man who hates drinking and doesn't want to and knows how quick it increases and the results, has drank. Ive heard something about Lisa EVERY single day, been accused of using drugs and had to repeatedly tell the man who has cheated on me several times, that no, I have not slept or even kissed another since we started seeing each other 4 plus years ago, have had to disconnect from his facebook again because getting to post pics or messages with his gf is not worth keeping the toxic, destructive, hateful, bitter ex wife off his facebook regardless of what she has done to me on and off facebook, and have felt the hurt of my bf making a point that keeping his word to others is a priority. I'm just not one of those "others." Even worse, breaking his word to me in order to keep his word to people who lie to him, steal from him, do whatever they can to try and destroy our relationship, and even people he doesn't even really know, is still ok. It's looking like I still have no love for myself, but love the **** out of the man that loves me like he hates me.
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