failed again

Yesterday we emailed a lot back n forth, but mostly it was painful to read. I did start one pretty angry bcuz of jacobey's grades and anger. It was and is so hard to read your responses, which rarely have anything in ways of my questions or sbjcts. That is how all my communications have felt with you throughout our marriage tho, and I don't know why I still get so hurt that my words, no matter what they are, feel unheard by you. Jacobey does this too. It's as if the moment i open my mouth, like clockwork, he starts talking over me on a different subject. I feel like crying everytime. So yesterday, i thought I would go try and talk to you before you left to work. I decided at that same moment, to go home and shower to look decent, or smell decent, and it was a quick shower. by the time I got back to her house, you had left already. It wasnt even 8am. Bummed me out that I missed my chance to at least see you, even tho I was almost positive you were going to get even angrier at me for going to her house, I just wanted to see you. So I went home and cried. This morning, I got up at 6am and freshened up my makeup, and was going to try again, this time bringing you a redbull and some cat toys. I really do need to order suppliies, as well as get the itunes pw and figure out how to sync this computer and my phone, but you won't talk to me face to face, so i was hoping to het to see you and get help. The moment I parked, you came out and got in your car. Is there one single thing I can do right lately. You came last night after I texted you that jc was hitting his wall and throwing his blankets and really needed to see you, and you came. I left so you wouldn't have to see me and ruin your time with jc. I didn't see you or hear you, so that sucked. I feel so incomplete. So I did dress in cute pjs and shaved before going to catch you this morning, and yes, I was hoping to seduce you in her house as well, but I was so nervous again that you would get really pissed. I wanted to be with you, and I wanted you to throw caution to the wind and do it in her house for a childish need to feel like I had gave her the finger. I knew if it had worked out, you wouldve said sorry or felt bad and told me afterwards that you wished you hadnt and it didn't mean anything. i knew that would come and it would hurt, but wanted to be with you for the moment of escape from this harsh reality. After I walked up to your car, and gave you the red bull and kitty toys, I felt so low and stupid walking back to my car and heading home. I really do need help with several things with my phone, itunes, and computer, but it was just an excuse to see you. You had said yesterday you were planning on coming to talk to me, but you changed your mind I guess. So I then had about a milisecond of hope that you would just come to the house to help me after I told you why I was there. You didn't of course, and i told myself in that milisecond that you would go on to work, which you did. I am such a fool, and always set myself up for being hurt. This seems to be habitual for me, yet I have not figured out how to get you to understand in 20 years, how I foolishly set myself time and time again. You are frozen when it comes to me now, and I'm a glutton for punishment. So, full of heartache and feeling like an unwanted stray dog, I am home crying. I can't try a third time, I have no excuse to show up there in morning now. I have been enjoying out conversation for the last hour tho, even tho it is via text, which I hate. It is now time to turn the text off tho, becuz it just turned to the only subject that you will talk to me about, the divorce and getting it done. It never fails to bring tears to my eyes, and put my stomach in knots instantly. Then my heart hurts, and starts pounding, then my mind goes right to you with her. either visions of you cuddling her, or kissing her, or thoughts of you not loving, or even liking me at all, and you doing stuff with CeeCee and Jacobey and her, or just you with anyone doing anything. Especially something that is not in the house, or on tv and Im so jealous and sad and mad that you arent glued to your phone in my visions, and you are giving someone else the things I wanted from you. The imagination can be our worst enemy, right? But I know it isn't something I'm fabricating, not all of it.. So that sucks.