how will this end
The story of me. Just don't know what happened to the dreams and the love and light inside. somehow, all of a sudden, I ceased to be. No longer another's love, a mother that was the light of her son's world, a sister that wasn't a burden, a friend that mattered, a Christian that was growing every day in Christ's love, a person that some could look up to and be proud of, a human worth the struggle through tough times, an Aunt that was someone to count on, one with a future and plan and the heartbeat of a family, a homemaker, organized problem solver, the other half of a parental unit, a wanted person that nothing and nobody would ever keep from another, the ONE girl could do nothing to ever make just that one person in the entire world, just the one, ever leave or stop loving her, IM NOT ANYONE AT ALL TO ANYONE LIKE THAT ANYMORE. I have no foundation and from the moment I lost it, even before I even knew I had lost it, I instantly seemed to have lost all of it. I didn't even know, just thought it was a low spot that I had to try and find the key to fixing. I tried talking, yelling hiding, begging, praying, ignoring, crying, sleeping, hoping, and then started all over again. And I was already a quickly fading moment of time that would completely disappear after the bad taste of me was no longer remembered. The bad taste was caused by my desperate last attempts to become and be a part of the story to my loved ones. I tried all the other things I could to stop being pushed from their lives, and death would have been a better legacy to leave, I would have been fondly thought of once in awhile by them with a smile. I wouldve been missed, not looked or thought of with a shake of the head and a "that's too bad about her" expression until there were no more thoughts of me at all. That is the very near future. Then what is my reason? Why was I ever even anything to anyone at any time, why the life at all?
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Comments
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I don't want the night to end. Ever.... I feel like this all the time one of the reasons I hate going to bed. when I fall asleep, the next day starts, and I am once again faced with all I have tried to accomplish in this life, all my failures, all my painful mistakes are in my face again, all the loss, the ever growing list of things I need to do that feel monumentous in the undertaking of, the sense of looming doom that is gonna overtake me any minute, the conversations that never change that leave me with the deja vu feeling mixed with the feeling that this is my purgatory, and the most intense gut wrenching violent almost to the point of unreal, screamingly loud sense of horror as I begin final descent into nothingness. It is not a happy end to my short meaningless existance. Again, the point was? My son, my love, my baby, HOW DID I LET THIS HAPPEN? How are you not under the same roof as me? How do you not have a proper home and family? You were my responsibility and purpose? Why did I push your Dad away, how did I break your family, to then have you follow? I am sorry, so sorry. This was NEVER even a thought or any way acceptable to me and I am sorry. I know you lost faith in me and I know what it feels like to lose someone that you never in a million years thought would fail you. I never stopped trying to fix things for you, and have never not wanted you or tried to do anything but be there for you, even if I had to take a break and lean on your Dad so I could regain some strength mentally, physically, and/or emotionally. That's what family is supposed to do, help each other when one needs it, then work side by side again. I leaned, he offered, I leaned to long, he got tired, I didn't know, he didn't say or I didn't hear, I felt safe and secure leaning on him and letting him take over, but I was wrong. I felt I had been the rock for him, or you and us as much as had been expected to and needed to, but Dad did't feel the same. I didn't know until I found out about her that he had either stopped loving and wanting me, possibly never even did, was done with this part of his story and I wasn't a part of his next stage in life, or that I had become not only obsolete, but needed to endure as much disregard and pain as could be dished out leaving me in a state of confusion, disbelief, shock, and inability to do anything but deteriorate while trying with all my might to fix, cope, and recover from it.
I only keep getting knocked back down, and I keep failing you more while your Dad's resentment of me grows and you want less and less to do with me.Posted 08-10-2016 at 02:01 AM by trickydawn
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Matt, I just needed my husband to help me back up, not close me off. You didn't have to kill me off, like in a movie. Your actions and treatment of me while discarding all you promised, then showing disgust that I was fighting for you and what I had promised. I will never be able to explain to you and have you come even remotely close to how this feels, or what I am going through. There are no words, no expressions, no reprieve.Posted 08-10-2016 at 02:12 AM by trickydawn
Updated 09-13-2018 at 02:15 AM by trickydawn
