another ending

It was the first car JC drove. It was the car that Jodi and I brought Autumn home from the hospital in. We took Jacobey to his first day of school in it. Jodi and Nick got their license in it. So did Matthew. And now, like most everything from the best years of my life, it's gone. The Nitro is gone. I have referred to the Nitro as a scrapbook of raising a family. From babies to adults. From brand new on the lot, to dented, ripped, stained, scratched, cracked, stinky, and filled with so many years of great memories. Great adventures. It also carried many scary lonely times. After having to live in it for months at a time more than once, it did give me a sense of security, in a small but comforting way. As long as I had the Nitro, I at least had a roof over my head. I may be homeless, but it was a shelter. Now that it is gone, and I wasn't expecting that today or any time in the immediate future, I feel anxiety in the back of my mind. A fear, just knowing how many days, weeks, even months, I had nothing but that car. And now if I were to become homeless again, I am sleeping on the street. I'd have nothing between me and the world. The world with all the violence, all the elements, all the filth, and nothing in between the car and me. Nothing. I feel anxious just talking about it. And that overwhelming sense of loss. Of times gone by, never to return. A vessel that held memories of so many people I love, and are gone now. One way or another. Memories of a family. A whole family. My family that is no more. Than of course there is the whole fact that I am a 51 year old woman, and for the first time since I was 16, I don't have a car. I won't have a car anytime soon either. I live in an apt with nothing of mine really in it. Nothing feels homey about it.. No car and jobless. Oh, and miserable with Louie, who is exactly the same guy I divorced. He got me again. I'm a miserable, depressed, embarrassing LOSER. Bye Nitro. So grateful for all the years and memories.