How about a semi-clean joke? (North Pole: credit, to buy, restaurant)

[Dakster]

The local news station was interviewing an
80-year-old lady because she had just gotten
married for the fourth time. The interviewer
asked her questions about her life, about
what it felt like to be marrying again at 80,
and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling
him a little about her first three husbands and
what they did for a living. She paused for a few
moments, needing time to reflect on all those
years. After a short time, a smile came to her
face and she answered proudly, explaining that
she had first married a banker when she was in
her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her
40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now
- in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished,
and asked why she had married four men with
such diverse careers.

(Wait for it)
She smiled and explained, "I married one for
the money, two for the show, three to get ready,
and four to go."

[portlandphi]

lol!:d

[portlandphi]

[portlandphi]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too

[Sean_CLT]

Allright, this thread was on top this morning and drew me to the Alaska forum...

This one was told by one of my Phys Ed teachers in junior high. Dunno if it is a joke or actually happened But he had taught other subjects including math and geometry earlier in his career.

Anyway:

A math teacher had a classful of teenage boys. And as typical, it was difficult to keep their attention as they talked to each other about all kinds of things, sports, cars, and of course - girls. One young fellow in particular was fascinated with them and was a repeated distraction.

One day the teacher was trying to present a lesson and this guy was huddled with a friend gabbing. Frustrated, the teacher spoke his name and asked him to turn around.

"Are you paying any attention to me at all? Do you even know what we're studying today?"

"Yes."

"Well then, tell me what this is." And the teacher drew a straight line on the chalkboard -----------

"Umm, well - that reminds me of a girl!"

"What? OK, then tell me what this is." And the teacher drew a wavy line ~~~~~~

"That reminds me of a good looking girl!"

"That's absurd. Well then, tell me what *this* is." And he drew a series of loops and squiggles.

"WoW! That reminds me of a good looking blonde!!"

Exasperated, the teacher put the chalk down and sighed. "Is there any time of the day you're not thinking about girls?"

"Why yes, sir. I wasn't even thinking about girls at all, until you started drawing those dirty pictures!"

[theatergypsy]

Originally Posted by portlandphi

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too

Here's my fave:

There was a fine arts show in Juneau and a visitor to the show was taken with a beautiful portrait entitled, My Cousin Edith. The young woman pictured had an ethereal look and the young patron just had to have it. He purchased the picture and asked the artist to please hold it for him while he enjoyed the rest of the show. He looked over the other paintings, sculptures, jewelry etc. but didn't find anything else as captivating as the painting. He stopped at a food stand and bought a funnel cake. On returning to the original artist's display, he found that someone had swiped the portrait while the artist was helping another customer. It just goes to show that you can't have your cake and Edith, too.

[portlandphi]

Ha! Word play. I love it!

[portlandphi]

Not exactly a joke, but is a smile maker!

[Litefoot]

Missing wife

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come
home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with Eco-boost 5.0L V8
engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching
white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats with matching floor mats.
Tow package with gold hitch. Stereo/DVD with navigation, 40-channel CB
radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels
and off-road Michelin's. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At
this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy....... We’ll find your truck.

[Dakster]

Trying to figure out the joke Litefoot... I've taken quite a few missing person reports like that. Could tell me everything about the vehicle, nothing about the person... Sad...