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I'll add one more option that worked for my Mom. She was pretty strong through her mid 70s but Parkinsons and Dementia caught up. She passed away at 82 in our home.
I was pretty conflicted with placing her in Long Term Care or keeping her with us. Also felt guilty with thoughts about keeping her with us vs a "Nursing Home". This story is much longer but I will cut to the chase.
We had the problem of my Mom not wanting to impose on us or be a burden. We had discussions and she would agree with us on her care...and then forget the next day. We eventually came into a pattern where she believed she was here to visit , which she had previously been doing, and would go home in a week or so, this lasted for several years. Also my brother and I took turns for several months at a time with her care.
Anyway..
Consider Adult Day Care, it worked quite well for us, we were lucky and found a place that was "very homey", high staff ratio, and activities that were appropriate , not just parked in front of a TV which frequently was the case in our home.
It was basically 7am to 5pm weekdays on weekends we would have an aide come over for a few hours so we could go out.
You said there were cultural/food issues so I wonder if you have checked to see what's available that accommodates to people with her issues? Other people with similar backgrounds must be in an ALF somewhere.
I spent more than 10 years caring for my parents because it was what they wanted. But when I look back on it, they would have been much better off in an ALF where they could have had friends, done things, and had a social life. I was burning the candle at both ends, working full time and just basic care and doctor appointments were all I could handle. I was also forced to put off my own retirement for a couple years and the financial results were a complete disaster because I missed out on selling my house at the top of the bubble. Cost me close to 400K.
And there is something else you should consider as well. I had no quality time with my parents. I never got to enjoy them. Sad to say, they were entries on my to do list that was always overflowing with stuff. If they had been at an ALF, I could have enjoyed those years with them instead of just seeing them as more work to do.
The primary issue is the wife wants to take care of her mother in her home. Many families do not believe in homes for the old and infirm if there is any way to avoid it.
My family does not.
Woe be to any spouse who would have tried to get in the way of my father, uncle, and aunt when it came to their Mom. Woe be to anyone trying to get between caring for my Mom!
This is not directed at OP - OP seems to have reasonable concerns and is not wanting to overrule his wife. It's just a general comment.
I'm going to be brutally honest. All of this is a recipe for disaster! I've watched it happened to so many on this forum and in my own family.
If you want your marriage to survive, then you will need to put your foot down and say no. No she cannot live with you while your wife spends her life taking care of her. No your wife cannot travel back and forth cross country. The siblings will need to find an assisted living facility for their mom if you want your marriage to last.
I understand that there are cultural issues, but at the end of the day, your life is also impacted. Do you want your life to be majorly impacted over meals? That seems rather silly and childish. I'm one of the pickiest eaters on the planet. I still suffer through meals at family and work events. I have learned to deal. That's what adults do. We don't say I can't go somewhere because they serve green beans and I only eat kidney beans in chili.
I don't see that you're being selfish at all. I see this as you want to have your life and your marriage. The siblings aren't looking at this with their eyes open. MIL could live for another 15 years! What happens when she goes down hill and truly needs real medical care? Unless your wife is a nurse, there's no way for her to truly take care of all of her needs. Your wife will also need a break. 24/7 caregiving breaks many people and relationships. We see it on here all the time.
Just curious, has anyone asked what the MIL wants?
Unfortunately or fortunately - depending on the person - it's usually not up to them as they can't/aren't caring for themselves. Many are just stubborn and demanding.
The primary issue is the wife wants to take care of her mother in her home. Many families do not believe in homes for the old and infirm if there is any way to avoid it.
My family does not.
Woe be to any spouse who would have tried to get in the way of my father, uncle, and aunt when it came to their Mom. Woe be to anyone trying to get between caring for my Mom!
This is not directed at OP - OP seems to have reasonable concerns and is not wanting to overrule his wife. It's just a general comment.
I completely agree that it is great if Father, Aunt and Uncle provide the caregiving for their parent, and they can do that with financially impacting their family, but often they insist, or pressure, their spouse into providing the caregiving (like the OP's BIL did to his spouse). That is one of the things that I worry about.
I also worry about the long range effects on the entire family. Someone quitting work to provide full time caregiving has many short & long range ramifications, such as immediate financial issues when family income is cut, not being able to return to the work force at the same level of pay, possibly having to postpone retirement, lowered SS, etc. If a family understands and accepts all of this issues, that is great but
I have often seen problems. Such as the two brothers feel that Mom shouldn't be in a facility but they refuse to provide hand-on-care and leave it all to their sister. Of course, every family is different. Perhaps, your father and uncle provided just as much hands-on physical care, and financial support as their sister, but that is not usually the case.
And, what if your father, aunt and uncle say "We won't provide the caregiving, but we don't want Mom in a facility so we insist that Granddaughter Jencan, quit her job and move in with Grandma and provide the caregiving for free". Hmmm, it is a slightly different situation isn't it?
The primary issue is the wife wants to take care of her mother in her home. Many families do not believe in homes for the old and infirm if there is any way to avoid it.
My family does not.
Woe be to any spouse who would have tried to get in the way of my father, uncle, and aunt when it came to their Mom. Woe be to anyone trying to get between caring for my Mom!
This is not directed at OP - OP seems to have reasonable concerns and is not wanting to overrule his wife. It's just a general comment.
For many others the primary issue is coming up with a plan that works for all parties, including wives and husbands who are not blood relatives. The home is not only her's. It's her's and the OP's. I agree he seems to have reasonable concerns. It may require reasonable compromise on the wife's part, but not necessarily placing mom elsewhere. Hiring help works for some families. It can include household help as well as caregiving help.
I completely agree that it is great if Father, Aunt and Uncle provide the caregiving for their parent, and they can do that with financially impacting their family, but often they insist, or pressure, their spouse into providing the caregiving (like the OP's BIL did to his spouse). That is one of the things that I worry about.
I also worry about the long range effects on the entire family. Someone quitting work to provide full time caregiving has many short & long range ramifications, such as immediate financial issues when family income is cut, not being able to return to the work force at the same level of pay, possibly having to postpone retirement, lowered SS, etc. If a family understands and accepts all of this issues, that is great but
I have often seen problems. Such as the two brothers feel that Mom shouldn't be in a facility but they refuse to provide hand-on-care and leave it all to their sister. Of course, every family is different.
And, what if your father, aunt and uncle say "We won't provide the caregiving, but we don't want Mom in a facility so we insist that Granddaughter Jencan, quit her job and move in with Grandma and provide the caregiving for free". Hmmm, it is a slightly different situation isn't it?
Yes, but in this case the daughter wants to do the caregiving. Mrs. OP wants to have her mother in her home. Has wanted it for 5 years.
Quote:
Perhaps, your father and uncle provided just as much hands-on physical care, and financial support as their sister, but that is not usually the case.
She didn't need care. If she had, my aunt would have had her in her house, and done most of it (on her own volition). My Father and Uncle would have had to take orders from her if she needed help, and they would have taken the orders. Their wives would have willingly stepped up also.
I was mainly trying to impart how many people feel about their mamas. And in my particular family, no spouse would have even considered saying no to anything having to do with my gma. Trying to even imagine that is comical. They worshiped the ground she walked on, and the spouses were well aware.
My spouse did w/o me every evening my mother needed me, and wouldn't have had it any other way. Had it been his mama, he would have not even recognized the sentence if I objected to anything she needed either. He would wonder what language I was speaking - it would not compute.
This is an unusual group to me, the regulars on the caregiving forum here. IRL, people I know are the total opposite of much of the advice in here, and the volume of people resentful over care-giving.
Perhaps it is a matter of families that are willing and happy to do it don't come onto forums to vent or needing advice.
A bestie has her MIL in a room in their house and it works out beautifully. Another friend has a mother with Alzheimers at home and that isn't beautiful, but no one is resentful, and there is no way she is going to a home.
Her husband shares the same family values, so has taken on fully supporting the family financially, so that she can stay home and care for kids and Mom. They wouldn't have it any other way. It's difficult and it's stressful and there are times she is 'trapped' (can't leave Mom alone) but hubby also helps with that and gives her 'time off'.
To many, many people it is simply what is done. There is no thought given to whether it should be done. It just is.
Yes, but in this case the daughter wants to do the caregiving. Mrs. OP wants to have her mother in her home. Has wanted it for 5 years.
She didn't need care. If she had, my aunt would have had her in her house, and done most of it (on her own volition). My Father and Uncle would have had to take orders from her if she needed help, and they would have taken the orders. Their wives would have willingly stepped up also.
I was mainly trying to impart how many people feel about their mamas. And in my particular family, no spouse would have even considered saying no to anything having to do with my gma. Trying to even imagine that is comical. They worshiped the ground she walked on, and the spouses were well aware.
My spouse did w/o me every evening my mother needed me, and wouldn't have had it any other way. Had it been his mama, he would have not even recognized the sentence if I objected to anything she needed either. He would wonder what language I was speaking - it would not compute.
This is an unusual group to me, the regulars on the caregiving forum here. IRL, people I know are the total opposite of much of the advice in here, and the volume of people resentful over care-giving.
Perhaps it is a matter of families that are willing and happy to do it don't come onto forums to vent or needing advice.
A bestie has her MIL in a room in their house and it works out beautifully. Another friend has a mother with Alzheimers at home and that isn't beautiful, but no one is resentful, and there is no way she is going to a home.
Her husband shares the same family values, so has taken on fully supporting the family financially, so that she can stay home and care for kids and Mom. They wouldn't have it any other way. It's difficult and it's stressful and there are times she is 'trapped' (can't leave Mom alone) but hubby also helps with that and gives her 'time off'.
To many, many people it is simply what is done. There is no thought given to whether it should be done. It just is.
Thank you for your comments.
"Perhaps it is a matter of families that are willing and happy to do it don't come onto forums to vent or needing advice." I think that is a good explanation. If you have a family that is working as a team to provide the best care for a family member there is (limited) reason to vent or complain.
My mother was bedridden the last years of her life and needed significant care. While our father was her full time caregiver her adult children, even though we lived from 3 1/2 to 7 hours away, all helped in various ways. I usually spend six to ten weeks there a year providing hands-on care, even though I had a full time job and two preschoolers.
My brother took off of work to handle much of the medical information, doctors appointments and hospitalizations, plus took care of all of the "handyman" type duties. My other brother handled the finances and paperwork and also provided hands-on care some weekends and on his vacations. Etc. etc. (Son in laws and daughter in laws did not provide direct care). If there would have been an internet at that time, I can't imagine that any of us would have come to a caregivers forum to vent or ask questions because we worked together as a team to provide the best care for our mother.
Did my husband miss me & our kids those six to ten weeks a year that I spent caring for my mother in another city? I am sure that he did but he never complained or stopped me. Hmmm, I wonder if seeing me care for my mother when she needed me was one of the reasons that my son took 12 to 13 weeks off of work to care for his mother (me) when I had Stage IV cancer last year?
Last edited by germaine2626; 03-19-2018 at 06:30 PM..
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