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These bolded points are a consideration. Here's a thought: Since you were already planning to move possibly as soon as 1 year from now, maybe you and your wife could relocate to BIL's town. MIL could stay in that home that is already renovated for her use, and your wife could go over there every day to caregive. That way you and your wife wouldn't have to live apart, and she could still be looking after her mom.
Would that work? I don't know what kind of job you have but maybe you could still work remotely?
I think this sounds like a reasonable solution. Even if where BIL isn't your ideal retirement location, it could be a good temporary solution and then you move on when the time comes.
But I have to admit that I'm still not clear on why MIL requires full time care giving. If she is in "reasonably good health (for a 90 year old) and she has an aide to help her bathe and dress and maybe do some laundry and other types of ongoing chores, what else does she need for hours and hours every single day?
Is it more that she expects to be kept company? If so, maybe you can hire a companion to talk to her, read aloud, take her for walks or out to run errands if she gets around for things like that? It seems like finances aren't the most pressing concern here, and if so, throwing money at a problem often solves it. And if retiring and relocating there is feasible, this would be a way to buy enough time to wrap up what you need to on your end.
Your wife could still visit regularly, but taking a couple of weeks at a time away is far different than relocating to care for an elderly parent with no clear end in sight.
Yes, in the SF Bay Area (and LA Area) we have numerous facilities at various price points that cater to Chinese and Japanese. Koreans are more highly represented in Southern California, which also has facilities that cater to Chinese and Japanese.
If the MIL is from the Philippines then any of the small "care homes" in the SF Bay Area would do, as they are nearly all owned and operated by Filipinas.
I'm glad someone brought up this option. Wish I had, as it turned out to be a great choice for us.
My rather surly cranky dad could no longer stay home on his own, but fought change and would not cooperate with home care. With the help of a local senior resource counselor we finally got him to consider ALFs and toured over a dozen. He grudgingly moved into a nice one but was determined that it fail. He was there 2 weeks before he was asked to leave. The counselor reminded us of the independent care home idea so we checked a couple local ones out. Licensed, inspected, etc. We found reviews for them online. When it had first been suggested he turned it down flat. This time he realized the problem couldn't be denied or gotten out of, so again, grudgingly, he accepted one.
It was a lovely large home in a residential neighborhood quite close to his own place. All very familiar for him. It had been thoughtfully re-modeled for accessibility. Each of the 5 residents had their own or a shared bedroom with private bath. One or two staff always present or that rotated out with day-care staff. Caretakers seemed to be either Filipino or Latin American. Lovely patient folks who treated him kindly despite his bad attitude. Monthly cost was laddered similar to an ALF depending on individual need. They had a full service MD, arrangements with a local pharmacy, and a PT who would come in at need. All meals cooked on site to specific diet plans if necessary. They provided some transportation for appointments & shopping. Each resident could bring furniture for their room if desired. Cost for the place we found was about the same as the ALF. It turned out to be small enough for individual attention, but professionally trained caregivers, not amateurs.
Last edited by Parnassia; 03-20-2018 at 04:41 PM..
Great input from others. The diversity of responses shows just how complicated these situations can become. Just to give an update, we had a family meeting with the goal of raising funds to pay for additional support. We weren’t able to raise enough to expand measurably beyond the current level of support.
Based on that meeting we’re leaning in a particular direction, based on a couple factors:
MIL just relocated a few months ago (with no small degree of associates expense). It’s hard to justify the idea of relocating her again so soon.
Right now, given our available resources, SIL is still in role of being primary caregiver. That is not something we can sustain for any length of time.
We don’t have resources to pay for an ALF, and it is not something wife (and most family members) really wants to entertain.
We’re looking at retiring and relocating in 1-3 years any way. Bringing MIL into our current home would likely lock us into our current location for the foreseeable future. Our solution might be different if we were looking at a much longer time horizon. Our exit (retirement) strategy is very flexible.
Given all that, we’re going to hold onto the status quo as long as possible. Eventually, wife will go to BiL’s town, potentially rent an apartment and work with SIL and current part-time aide to provide care. She’ll assume role of primary caregiver, but have the support of a team.
I’ll visit every 2-3 months, until I decide to retire (or when I’ve had enough of living apart). When I visit, there will be a place to land that is “away” from the caretaking. Also wife will get a daily respite. That is a more preferable scenario (for me) than moving MIL in and being surrounded with caretsking 24/7... or of having wife try to take whole burden on her shoulders.
Some might say, why not take the resources you’ll put into an apartment/travel, and just pay for additional care in BIL’s town. That is a valid question, but we feel like we simply cannot afford the kind of care the family feels she needs. As someone else said, wife really wants to take care of her mom. A stranger simply isn’t going to provide the same level of attention that a living daughter will. I can’t argue with that.
As far as the need for around the clock care, MIL is just getting to the point with ailments, memory issues, and fall danger that they feel more comfortable having someone around. Probably not 100% necessary, but preferable.
That is the direction we’re leaning, but I welcome feedback. Thanks everyone for the great insight thus far.
That sounds like a great compromise to me. I don't blame you for not wanting MIL to move into your home.
This way, your wife can help out a lot, but still not be responsible for all of the care.
As long as you and your wife can handle being apart that much, and you can afford the apartment/travel, it seems like a great solution to me, for all concerned. I'm looking forward to updates!
Great input from others. The diversity of responses shows just how complicated these situations can become. Just to give an update, we had a family meeting with the goal of raising funds to pay for additional support. We weren’t able to raise enough to expand measurably beyond the current level of support.
Based on that meeting we’re leaning in a particular direction, based on a couple factors:
MIL just relocated a few months ago (with no small degree of associates expense). It’s hard to justify the idea of relocating her again so soon.
Right now, given our available resources, SIL is still in role of being primary caregiver. That is not something we can sustain for any length of time.
We don’t have resources to pay for an ALF, and it is not something wife (and most family members) really wants to entertain.
We’re looking at retiring and relocating in 1-3 years any way. Bringing MIL into our current home would likely lock us into our current location for the foreseeable future. Our solution might be different if we were looking at a much longer time horizon. Our exit (retirement) strategy is very flexible.
Given all that, we’re going to hold onto the status quo as long as possible. Eventually, wife will go to BiL’s town, potentially rent an apartment and work with SIL and current part-time aide to provide care. She’ll assume role of primary caregiver, but have the support of a team.
I’ll visit every 2-3 months, until I decide to retire (or when I’ve had enough of living apart). When I visit, there will be a place to land that is “away” from the caretaking. Also wife will get a daily respite. That is a more preferable scenario (for me) than moving MIL in and being surrounded with caretsking 24/7... or of having wife try to take whole burden on her shoulders.
Some might say, why not take the resources you’ll put into an apartment/travel, and just pay for additional care in BIL’s town. That is a valid question, but we feel like we simply cannot afford the kind of care the family feels she needs. As someone else said, wife really wants to take care of her mom. A stranger simply isn’t going to provide the same level of attention that a living daughter will. I can’t argue with that.
As far as the need for around the clock care, MIL is just getting to the point with ailments, memory issues, and fall danger that they feel more comfortable having someone around. Probably not 100% necessary, but preferable.
That is the direction we’re leaning, but I welcome feedback. Thanks everyone for the great insight thus far.
That sounds like a great compromise.
In my real life caregiver groups, quite a few people involve adult grandchildren to assist in caregiving. Often it is some thing to allow quality time with grandparents/grandchildren as well as giving a short respite to the main full time caregivers. Of course, a lot depends on the age, interest and geographic closeness of the grandchildren. In one family each grandchild spends four or five hours a week with grandma, with five or six grandkids that adds a lot of respite time. In another family, a pair of grandchildren (siblings) take over for one weekend every six or eight weeks. I've heard quite a variety of ways that others have had other relatives help in caregiving a loved one.
Pardon me for being blunt, OP. It seems to me you're still getting the short end of the stick.
Maybe it's the best possible compromise but it still sucks. Sorry.
Why? He gets to live alone in peace and quiet. Not saying living alone is preferable, but it doesn't sound like the worst outcome for him. Sounds like the other house is where all of the ruckus is going to be
Good luck OP. I hope everything goes as smoothly as it can for everyone
Last edited by bookspage; 03-21-2018 at 07:25 AM..
ALF/Nursing home is not an option. Then folks should not be suggesting that. I respected that wish for both of my parents. Mom almost did get to the point she was going to go to skilled nursing but she died right before that happened. At the point of total incontinence and the person is no longer eating i think that rule can be broken to keep the rest of the family still living from "going under". You can only take care of people as well as you can care for yourself.
Am I being selfish to not necessarily want the live-in option?
Yes and no, you are feeling your feelings, thats good, but that does not mean feelings should dictate actions. She is 90 yo, she may live to 100, she may live to 91. What you might be missing here is that familial responsibility of the kind your wife and her brother are showing is phenomenal and should be respected. I wish there were more families like that. I was helping my dad till he passed recently and I was hoping he would live 5-10 more years till he was 100, sadly he did not.
It seems you married the type of woman and into the type of family, that will take care for you if you ever suffer an injury or need to be cared for in old age-congrats to you.
Do you deserve it? Are you willing to do for others what they do for others?
You are in an ideal scenario but may not be able to see that. In general I think many Americans are selfish and short sighted. I am American too but because of my close family ties and more recent ethnic roots i feel more ethnic and culturally inclined to extreme loyalty to family.
So, in my opinion it should be your wife's decision more than yours. This is an old person, her mother, I feel there is an obligation. In return you get cared for in your old age (hopefully-if she outlives you) because you lucky to be married to such a woman as your wife.
Your wife does deserve breaks though and so you should seek in-home care for the mama. If you are lower income she may qualify for some benefits thru Health and Human services.
Why isn't BIL caregiving for his Mom since he loves her so much and will do anything for her I assume? Afterall, his culture takes care of family, right? Why does everyone else have to suffer when BIL gets his wife, his sister, and his sister's husband changing this lives? Doesn't sound fair to me!
There are other choices that don't have to affect everyone as much. To make other choices doesn't mean that OP's wife doesn't love her Mom. Seems like BIL will have none of that. Sounds like his wife and sister are a little brainwash.
OP I know you love your wife, but does she care for you as much? She seems to be casting you aside and leaving you for months at a time. Totally ridiculous as there are other paths that can be taken. You say that there is no money for MIL care, but your wife has the money to rent an apartment for three months? Just doesn't make sense to me.
OP I'm thinking that you were brought up in a different culture than your wifes'. What would she think if YOU left her for months to take care of your mommy?
As far as OP getting the help from the "family" if he needs it. Will he? What if OP's wife needs caretaking, will her brother visit for months at a time and leave his family to help his sister?
I am concerned for the OP because this is a critical passage for a marriage. Approaching retirement is stressful enough on a relationship. (Ask me how I know!) Couple that with long absences. Consider the disappearance of an income when one partner retires earlier than planned. Add in the fact that there is no end point for the absences and it could be disaster, with everything they've ever hoped and dreamed of going up in smoke.
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