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Yes, but in this case the daughter wants to do the caregiving. Mrs. OP wants to have her mother in her home. Has wanted it for 5 years.
She didn't need care. If she had, my aunt would have had her in her house, and done most of it (on her own volition). My Father and Uncle would have had to take orders from her if she needed help, and they would have taken the orders. Their wives would have willingly stepped up also.
I was mainly trying to impart how many people feel about their mamas. And in my particular family, no spouse would have even considered saying no to anything having to do with my gma. Trying to even imagine that is comical. They worshiped the ground she walked on, and the spouses were well aware.
My spouse did w/o me every evening my mother needed me, and wouldn't have had it any other way. Had it been his mama, he would have not even recognized the sentence if I objected to anything she needed either. He would wonder what language I was speaking - it would not compute.
This is an unusual group to me, the regulars on the caregiving forum here. IRL, people I know are the total opposite of much of the advice in here, and the volume of people resentful over care-giving.
Perhaps it is a matter of families that are willing and happy to do it don't come onto forums to vent or needing advice.
A bestie has her MIL in a room in their house and it works out beautifully. Another friend has a mother with Alzheimers at home and that isn't beautiful, but no one is resentful, and there is no way she is going to a home.
Her husband shares the same family values, so has taken on fully supporting the family financially, so that she can stay home and care for kids and Mom. They wouldn't have it any other way. It's difficult and it's stressful and there are times she is 'trapped' (can't leave Mom alone) but hubby also helps with that and gives her 'time off'.
To many, many people it is simply what is done. There is no thought given to whether it should be done. It just is.
Interesting conversation. I will say that the commentary has been different from what I expected from the caregiving forum. However, based on my previous experience, it is “realistic.” Caregiving is stressful work, and it is also stressful living in a house with a person who is doing full-time caregiving. I don’t think my wife (who does happen to be a nurse - to answer someone else’s question) completely grasps how difficult it is. She has always been able to walk away from the caregiving, at some point.
"Perhaps it is a matter of families that are willing and happy to do it don't come onto forums to vent or needing advice." I think that is a good explanation. If you have a family that is working as a team to provide the best care for a family member there is (limited) reason to vent or complain.
My mother was bedridden the last years of her life and needed significant care. While our father was her full time caregiver her adult children, even though we lived from 3 1/2 to 7 hours away, all helped in various ways. I usually spend six to ten weeks there a year providing hands-on care, even though I had a full time job and two preschoolers.
My brother took off of work to handle much of the medical information, doctors appointments and hospitalizations, plus took care of all of the "handyman" type duties. My other brother handled the finances and paperwork and also provided hands-on care some weekends and on his vacations. Etc. etc. (Son in laws and daughter in laws did not provide direct care). If there would have been an internet at that time, I can't imagine that any of us would have come to a caregivers forum to vent or ask questions because we worked together as a team to provide the best care for our mother.
Did my husband miss me & our kids those six to ten weeks a year that I spent caring for my mother in another city? I am sure that he did but he never complained or stopped me. Hmmm, I wonder if seeing me care for my mother when she needed me was one of the reasons that my son took 12 to 13 weeks off of work to care for his mother (me) when I had Stage IV cancer last year?
Could be. He saw that and so to him, that is what one does. Sounds like you have a very loving family!
"Perhaps it is a matter of families that are willing and happy to do it don't come onto forums to vent or needing advice." I think that is a good explanation. If you have a family that is working as a team to provide the best care for a family member there is (limited) reason to vent or complain.
My mother was bedridden the last years of her life and needed significant care. While our father was her full time caregiver her adult children, even though we lived from 3 1/2 to 7 hours away, all helped in various ways. I usually spend six to ten weeks there a year providing hands-on care, even though I had a full time job and two preschoolers.
My brother took off of work to handle much of the medical information, doctors appointments and hospitalizations, plus took care of all of the "handyman" type duties. My other brother handled the finances and paperwork and also provided hands-on care some weekends and on his vacations. Etc. etc. (Son in laws and daughter in laws did not provide direct care). If there would have been an internet at that time, I can't imagine that any of us would have come to a caregivers forum to vent or ask questions because we worked together as a team to provide the best care for our mother.
Did my husband miss me & our kids those six to ten weeks a year that I spent caring for my mother in another city? I am sure that he did but he never complained or stopped me. Hmmm, I wonder if seeing me care for my mother when she needed me was one of the reasons that my son took 12 to 13 weeks off of work to care for his mother (me) when I had Stage IV cancer last year?
I think your situation is atypical. In most families, the burden falls on one or two people (often the women, as others have pointed out).
Interesting conversation. I will say that the commentary has been different from what I expected from the caregiving forum. However, based on my previous experience, it is “realistic.” Caregiving is stressful work, and it is also stressful living in a house with a person who is doing full-time caregiving. I don’t think my wife (who does happen to be a nurse - to answer someone else’s question) completely grasps how difficult it is. She has always been able to walk away from the caregiving, at some point.
If you want massive support for not letting MIL come, you are in the right place. Mine is quite a minority view (here, not in general). I hope you don't stand in the way of your wife doing what she feels is right by her Mom. It's an awful burden to carry, if one has guilt.
Yes, the stress and difficulty is realistic. The way some (emphatically) say that it never, ever is a good idea is obviously not, however, given how many people IRL are doing it right now, and very much feel that it IS a good idea.
"Perhaps it is a matter of families that are willing and happy to do it don't come onto forums to vent or needing advice." I think that is a good explanation. If you have a family that is working as a team to provide the best care for a family member there is (limited) reason to vent or complain.
My mother was bedridden the last years of her life and needed significant care. While our father was her full time caregiver her adult children, even though we lived from 3 1/2 to 7 hours away, all helped in various ways. I usually spend six to ten weeks there a year providing hands-on care, even though I had a full time job and two preschoolers.
My brother took off of work to handle much of the medical information, doctors appointments and hospitalizations, plus took care of all of the "handyman" type duties. My other brother handled the finances and paperwork and also provided hands-on care some weekends and on his vacations. Etc. etc. (Son in laws and daughter in laws did not provide direct care). If there would have been an internet at that time, I can't imagine that any of us would have come to a caregivers forum to vent or ask questions because we worked together as a team to provide the best care for our mother.
Did my husband miss me & our kids those six to ten weeks a year that I spent caring for my mother in another city? I am sure that he did but he never complained or stopped me. Hmmm, I wonder if seeing me care for my mother when she needed me was one of the reasons that my son took 12 to 13 weeks off of work to care for his mother (me) when I had Stage IV cancer last year?
Quote:
Originally Posted by jencam
Could be. He saw that and so to him, that is what one does. Sounds like you have a very loving family!
It was loving 25 years ago and continues to be loving today.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dmills
I think your situation is atypical. In most families, the burden falls on one or two people (often the women, as others have pointed out).
Yes, I think that our family is atypical. Yes, usually the burden falls on one or two people, often the women, even if they are the daughter-in-laws. In our case, the DILs (and the SILs, too) did not provide any hands-on care or assistance to our mother.
I was lucky to have the best parents possible. I was also lucky that my mother made it clear to me that under no circumstances was I to ever bring her or my father into my home for care. She said that is the best way to destroy your life and marriage and that parents take care of their children - not the other way around.
I did and do help out my parents in many ways but that does not include bringing them into my home on a permanent basis. I have also made it clear to my kids that if/when I need care they are not to bring me into their home. I think that is one of the best gifts I can give them. It was absolutely one of the best gifts my parents gave me!
If your objectives are set in stone and don't include an ALF, then you have to bring MIL into your home and your wife has to take care of her
You have no choices here the way you have written this out.
So deal with it and just do it.
Will your life stink? Possibly. Lots of things in life stink. We were never promised perfect lives
Instead of thinking on how bad it is going to be, maybe you can ask yourself what can I do to support my wife and keep our marriage strong during this time? It might involve lining up lots of respite care and being creative, getting out of the house once in a while. It doesn't have to be a period of stagnation unless you let it be.
I don't mean to be harsh, but I don't see any other options based on what you have written here
How about an assisted living facility nearby where your wife could bring your MIL her "cultural" diet requirements? Have you discussed these requirements with any ALF or nursing home yet?
Frankly I wouldn't let my spouse leave my home to live somewhere else as caretaker unless it was an end of life situation. That can't be good for your marriage; neither will bringing the MIL into your home full time.
If your objectives are set in stone and don't include an ALF, then you have to bring MIL into your home and your wife has to take care of her
You have no choices here the way you have written this out.
So deal with it and just do it.
Will your life stink? Possibly. Lots of things in life stink. We were never promised perfect lives
Instead of thinking on how bad it is going to be, maybe you can ask yourself what can I do to support my wife and keep our marriage strong during this time? It might involve lining up lots of respite care and being creative, getting out of the house once in a while. It doesn't have to be a period of stagnation unless you let it be.
I don't mean to be harsh, but I don't see any other options based on what you have written here
If OP's wife is determined to care for her mother, whether in her home or in the BIL's home, then that's that.
OP needs to decide how much he's up for.
Seems strange to me that the wife stayed with BIL for four months to help mother get settled in, and strange that she would even want to move there for the foreseeable future.
Moving her mother in to live with them, even though the weather is not the best, may be a better alternative, but who knows.
It will put a lot of stress on the marriage. Whether it survives remains to be seen.
Perhaps several joint counseling sessions will help make clear the choices and the consequences.
Last edited by GotHereQuickAsICould; 03-20-2018 at 07:38 AM..
I am going to chime in to just say three things --
1. Living hundreds of miles from a spouse is no way for a married couple to live if they have ANY choice in the matter. (I realize that sometimes it is not possible -- for example, if one is in the military and assigned overseas.) You DO have a choice, so I vote NO to your wife living with her brother and her mother in your BIL's home.
2. That was one of the best opening posts I have ever read -- clear, easy to read and understand, and concise while still giving enough information to receive pertinent and good advice in return.
3. Great responses from all posters -- not an unkind or judgmental post in the group, which is very unusual. I just wish all threads were like this one is so far.
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