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I am concerned for the OP because this is a critical passage for a marriage. Approaching retirement is stressful enough on a relationship. (Ask me how I know!) Couple that with long absences. Consider the disappearance of an income when one partner retires earlier than planned. Add in the fact that there is no end point for the absences and it could be disaster, with everything they've ever hoped and dreamed of going up in smoke.
Long separations are very stressful and hard on marriages. My husband used to travel all the time for his job. After years and years of it, the toll had been taken. He ended up changing jobs so he would stop traveling. If he kept traveling, our marriage would have ended. We're happy that we've made it 21 years so far!
A marriage can't be fed if the couple is apart. Marriages take work. It's work that never stops. Add in the traveling, the stress of caring for a loved one, add the expenses, and it's all a recipe for a disaster. Doesn't sound like there's going to be any real winners in this except possibly the MIL. The OP hasn't said why she needs round the clock care. It sounded like she was healthy so I find the nursing help a bit confusing.
Why isn't BIL caregiving for his Mom since he loves her so much and will do anything for her I assume? Afterall, his culture takes care of family, right? Why does everyone else have to suffer when BIL gets his wife, his sister, and his sister's husband changing this lives? Doesn't sound fair to me!
There are other choices that don't have to affect everyone as much. To make other choices doesn't mean that OP's wife doesn't love her Mom. Seems like BIL will have none of that. Sounds like his wife and sister are a little brainwash.
OP I know you love your wife, but does she care for you as much? She seems to be casting you aside and leaving you for months at a time. Totally ridiculous as there are other paths that can be taken. You say that there is no money for MIL care, but your wife has the money to rent an apartment for three months? Just doesn't make sense to me.
OP I'm thinking that you were brought up in a different culture than your wifes'. What would she think if YOU left her for months to take care of your mommy?
As far as OP getting the help from the "family" if he needs it. Will he? What if OP's wife needs caretaking, will her brother visit for months at a time and leave his family to help his sister?
This doesn't sound like it will end well. JMHO
Valid points. All I will say is that we can’t control other’s behaviors. The decision I described is primarily about supporting wife in best way possible, and secondarily about taking care of MIL.
In a perfect world everyone would do the right thing, but we don’t in a perfect world.
No, you're not being selfish. MIL did not provide for her care (for whatever reason). What you're describing is an extraordinary burden. I'm going through it. My wife and I have demanding careers. Fortunately, we have help that comes in twice daily. It's still a burden. I hate it and my wife hates it too. My brothers aren't involved and would just as soon stick them in a home as they would take a breath. I have little peace. My wife snaps at me. I stop at the bar on the way home. The next day, I repeat: Work, drink, repeat.
With that said, these are my parents and I want the best for them.
OP, it sounds like a very unfair arrangement to me but if it works for you and your wife, so be it. I guess it's a cultural thing but it wouldn't fly in my family or marriage, for me to be used by other family members and to put my marriage on a back burner long term (not talking about emergencies or short term things - that's different). In fact, I would be pretty angry if my parents had not planned for their elder years by taking my life and my marriage into consideration and showing me that they respected me as an adult with my own life and husband and career and family.
I really hope it works out for you, and especially for your wife.
No, you're not being selfish. MIL did not provide for her care (for whatever reason). What you're describing is an extraordinary burden. I'm going through it. My wife and I have demanding careers. Fortunately, we have help that comes in twice daily. It's still a burden. I hate it and my wife hates it too. My brothers aren't involved and would just as soon stick them in a home as they would take a breath. I have little peace. My wife snaps at me. I stop at the bar on the way home. The next day, I repeat: Work, drink, repeat.
With that said, these are my parents and I want the best for them.
Don't your parents want the best for you too? Look at the bolded parts and consider whether your parents really want this to be your life.
Perhaps it would be good to double up on the paid help so you can get away with your wife more. Drinking every night as an escape isn't healthy. I know -- I was doing it too much.
Don't your parents want the best for you too? Look at the bolded parts and consider whether your parents really want this to be your life.
Perhaps it would be good to double up on the paid help so you can get away with your wife more. Drinking every night as an escape isn't healthy. I know -- I was doing it too much.
Me too. I was doing it at home, but when my husband finally said something, it embarrassed me and also really got my attention. I was drinking at least two glasses of wine a night (not small glasses) and sometimes three.
I quit doing that a few months ago and I feel SO much better. I'm also sleeping better too.
Oh, and I've lost 20 pounds.
Everyone wins!
I have accepted the fact that my mom is not thinking logically. I can't make her happy. Elder years when one is sick and has dementia surely must suck. But I simply can't make her happy. And in her right mind, she wouldn't expect me to sacrifice my marriage and my own health and wellbeing to take care of her 24/7 or even for hours every day.
Yes, now that she's got dementia, she asks all the time to come live with us, or to "buy a little house and hire some help and live independently" or to live with her sisters, or to "find a good man who goes to work every day, and get married and work in the house and yard like she likes to do."
And that's sad, and tears my heart out if I let it, but I have to remind myself that she is not capable of logical thinking. So her expectations are illogical. That's not her fault. It's the disease. So I just will not allow myself to be guilted into trying to cater to that illogical line of thinking.
I WILL do things like sacrifice a reasonable portion of my time, peace, joy and free time to do things like take her to see her sisters, visit her, take her shopping or out to eat or whatever, pay her bills, manage her estate, meet with her doctors, etc because she's my mom and I do have an obligation to be sure she's safe and as healthy as possible.
I am concerned for the OP because this is a critical passage for a marriage. Approaching retirement is stressful enough on a relationship. (Ask me how I know!) Couple that with long absences. Consider the disappearance of an income when one partner retires earlier than planned. Add in the fact that there is no end point for the absences and it could be disaster, with everything they've ever hoped and dreamed of going up in smoke.
Good points.
And, one spouse quitting work a few years early can also make a difference in retirement savings and SS.
OTOH, I know the "pull" of providing hands-on care for your parent. Since I was a teacher, I was able to spend six to ten weeks every year (the last years Mom was alive) carrying for her and still keep my full time job. It was pretty difficult as I took our two preschool children with me and cared for them, too (at my parent's house). I know that my husband did not want to be separated from me and our children that long but it we knew that it was only temporary.
Don't your parents want the best for you too? Look at the bolded parts and consider whether your parents really want this to be your life.
Perhaps it would be good to double up on the paid help so you can get away with your wife more. Drinking every night as an escape isn't healthy. I know -- I was doing it too much.
Ha! Perhaps, but only to the extent that they can stay out of the urine-stenched (yes, I know stenched is not a word) managed care facility (Have your priced those?) We can get away. That's why I have help that comes in twice EVERY day. Yes, every day of the year I have people in my home. My home. Not my parents. I cant have visitors because they take up my two guest rooms. Furniture that I love is in storage ($160/month). My father shuffles around on his walker scuffing my polished stone flooring. My walls are scratched up from where the Hoyer lift to move my mother around bumps into the walls and doors. They bathroom that they use has had the door removed so in the hopes that I could drop my mom in the shower and on the toilet. That didn't work. The $700 bidet toilet seat (a decadent experience if you've never tried one) that I purchased for my father to help ensure his ass gets clean doesn't get used because he refuses and leave poop streaks on his sheets...
There's more to the story, but I think you get the picture. Bottom line: I love my parents. . .but They're a burden financially and mentally. I can't have visitors. My dad yells at me. My home has been invaded (yes, I know I invited it), they listen to the TV too loud.
There's more to the story, but I think you get the picture. Bottom line: I love my parents. . .but They're a burden financially and mentally. I can't have visitors. My dad yells at me. My home has been invaded (yes, I know I invited it), they listen to the TV too loud.
Ha! Perhaps, but only to the extent that they can stay out of the urine-stenched (yes, I know stenched is not a word) managed care facility (Have your priced those?) We can get away. That's why I have help that comes in twice EVERY day. Yes, every day of the year I have people in my home. My home. Not my parents. I cant have visitors because they take up my two guest rooms. Furniture that I love is in storage ($160/month). My father shuffles around on his walker scuffing my polished stone flooring. My walls are scratched up from where the Hoyer lift to move my mother around bumps into the walls and doors. They bathroom that they use has had the door removed so in the hopes that I could drop my mom in the shower and on the toilet. That didn't work. The $700 bidet toilet seat (a decadent experience if you've never tried one) that I purchased for my father to help ensure his ass gets clean doesn't get used because he refuses and leave poop streaks on his sheets...
There's more to the story, but I think you get the picture. Bottom line: I love my parents. . .but They're a burden financially and mentally. I can't have visitors. My dad yells at me. My home has been invaded (yes, I know I invited it), they listen to the TV too loud.
I think it’s called making sacrifices for the ones we love. My hat is off to you. Of course, you have to realize when you have reached your limit(s), and it sounds like you could be close.
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