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You can't be too careful when it comes to your childs safety. However, what I would recommend is that you talk to the janitor. Talk to him not in an accusatory way. Let him know that in today's world you have to check on any adult that may be too friendly with your child. Also, let him know you appreciate it for him being kind to your child and to please not get offended if you want to know more about him for your own peace of mind, you are parent after all. If he is honest in his friendship with your child he will understand your concern and at the same time he will see you know about their talks during school.
Also, do ask your child about the janitor on a regular basis to see how how things go in school between the two. Does the child tell you the janitor asked him to keep things are only between them as a secret? Does he suddenly get quiet about the issue? Does he start to get defensive? That may be a clue of something probably going wrong. At this point if the child does not show concern and not trying to hide anything may be OK, take care.
That sounds like a good idea, but it could backfire for many reasons. The janitor could feel very threatened in the psychological sense of the word. I'd go to the principal, asst. principal, someone like that and just express concern. The "talk" is better coming from the janitor's supervisor or another school employee.
These conversations are taking place at lunch. Presumably the child's friends are there too, and can at least listen in on the conversations. I think Stepka had some really good points.
I would have to question how much of this story has been exaggerated in your son's mind. Is it possible that the janitor is a pedophile? Sure. Anything is possible. But I think you also have to keep in mind that 3rd graders aren't known for being the most accurate when it comes to reporting back events. So the janitor may be friendly with the kids while they're cleaning, may high five the boys or stop to ask them a quick baseball question and your son may report that as a huge conversation, because to him, it is. It's possible that the janitor complimented him on how friendly he was, saying not everyone was so friendly and your son interpreted that as the other kids not talking to him. It's possible someone gave him the Santa hat and he didn't want it, so he gave it away. We routinely raffle off stuff at the end of the semester in my room... could have been something like that.
You could go in and talk to the principal about it, maybe ask if he/she sees anything like this at lunch. Maybe they can keep an eye out next time, or maybe they'll tell you the janitor is friendly with all the kids.
I would have to question how much of this story has been exaggerated in your son's mind. Is it possible that the janitor is a pedophile? Sure. Anything is possible. But I think you also have to keep in mind that 3rd graders aren't known for being the most accurate when it comes to reporting back events. So the janitor may be friendly with the kids while they're cleaning, may high five the boys or stop to ask them a quick baseball question and your son may report that as a huge conversation, because to him, it is. It's possible that the janitor complimented him on how friendly he was, saying not everyone was so friendly and your son interpreted that as the other kids not talking to him. It's possible someone gave him the Santa hat and he didn't want it, so he gave it away. We routinely raffle off stuff at the end of the semester in my room... could have been something like that.
You could go in and talk to the principal about it, maybe ask if he/she sees anything like this at lunch. Maybe they can keep an eye out next time, or maybe they'll tell you the janitor is friendly with all the kids.
I agree. This is why OP should go to the principal.
Listen, I'm going to recommend you read the book Protecting the Gift by Gavin DeBecker. DeBecker is a threat assessment expert, and one of the chief principles of this book is to trust your own instincts. If there is some element of this scenario that's making your mama radar go off, PAY ATTENTION.
Here's what I would do:
Tell your child firmly and clearly that in no way is he to do any of the following:
1. ABSOLUTELY no gifts, including food.
2. NO being with this person in an enclosed space, e.g., a room or a vehicle
3. NO being with this person alone or out of the direct visual observation of another adult.
4. NO exchange of information, e.g., email addresses and phone numbers.
5. NO secrets!!
I would actually forbid that he have further interaction with this person, because what you're describing to me sounds very much like the sexual predator behavior known as "grooming." Now again, maybe it's not, and I certainly wouldn't say that your son should be mean or impolite to a person who might have utterly innocent intentions -- but I would suggest that he stay away from this guy.
Okay, now let's say you're wrong. You're overreacting entirely, let's say. He's just a nice, harmless old man. Result = You hurt his feelings because now your son won't talk to him.
Now, let's say you're not wrong, but you take no action.
Ask yourself what's the worst thing that can happen. Then weigh that possibility against "hurting a person's feelings." To me, the equation is very, very simple.
Again, you know your child and the situation better than anyone else on this board. The fact that you're even asking suggests that your parental radar is twitching here. My advice? Better safe than sorry.
Last edited by Charles Wallace; 12-27-2010 at 10:06 AM..
As somebody who formerly worked as an computer tech for several years at the local school district where I grew up, I would say you probably don't have much to worry about. I would still get to know this person though, just to be safe.
My job carried me to all the schools and classrooms and I came to know all the teachers and many of the students and they would speak to me in the hall and classrooms when I would come in to do my job. There were a few that were more friendly to me but I tried not to single kids out. It sometimes happened, usually with students who I knew their parents, either from work or outside of work. A few of my coworkers kids would help out with computer stuff in labs and classrooms after school (because they thought tearing computers apart was cool), but I knew their parents and they were alright with it. Most of these were middle and high school kids though. Not as much at the elementary level, but occasionally even more mature kids there. I tried not to ever be in a questionable position with students, and as I said, growing up in a small town I was known by all the staff and many of the parents, so that did make my situation different from many others.
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Any adult that befriends a child is not normal.
Watch him very carefully.
I find this a pretty awful way to go through life. I am a younger guy, but I am married with two little kids myself. I like children (not in some perverse way) and at the time enjoyed working there and around kids. Not everybody is some weirdo, but you need to know who your kids are exposed to.
I will say I never got a child a gift or gave them anything, and I never sat with a student at lunch. That seems a little odd, but I still say get to know the person before you accuse them of anything. Maybe even talk to the staff and see if they are just a sociable person. I would talk to students, but I am very social and would talk to the teachers, janitors, parents, and everybody else too. Perhaps you have more to be concerned about if they are withdrawn around adults and only socialize with students. This might throw up a red flag that they have something else going on.
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janitors clean rooms, they don't talk to students..! Nothing more than a brief hello in passing is acceptable...
Tell the school they have an employee that isn't doing his job. He shouldn't have time to stop and talk to anyone...!!
So I guess you never talk to anybody at your job during the day? I have worked several places and socializing with staff, customers, etc. is usually a part of your job. Maybe if the janitor is very efficient with his time, then he could have time to talk. Perhaps this is his lunch break, and he takes it in the cafeteria during this time. I was usually on top of my work, and when I had a lull, I had time to socialize. This comment just reeks of elitism and pretentiousness. I found that being social and friendly to other staff and customers usually made relations with my coworkers better and made my job easier. Even being friendly with the students was good, because often they knew more about the classroom technology than their teachers, and they could show me the precise problem.
All too often these days we believe the hype on TV that our schools are filled with pedophiles and rapists. Many people that work with kids are good people who put up with a lot of bad things (low pay, no administrative support, etc.). Most are scared of showing any emotion around kids for fear that they will be accused of being a sicko. Please don't jump to conclusion until you have talked to others. See if other parents know this person, or if he talks to other kids. Again, speak to some of the teachers and ask about him. See what their take on him is. If he is a chatty guy, then maybe he just likes talking. If not, look into it more. But don't jump to conclusions without getting more evidence.
No, not necessarily; that said, I would caution you not to over-react in your actions. I would want to know whether this guy is friendly like this with others as well or whether he has specifically singled out only your son for this affection. If he has, I might try to look into his background a bit.
Third, I have no doubt that any such school employee has been completed vetted by the school, and and is fully trustworthy.
With all due respect, this is often untrue. For one, just to be practical, not all crimes get caught. Obviously, I don't know if that is the case here, but your statement that "any school employee[s]" are "fully trustworthy" is a lovely ideal, but a practical unreality.
I have been following the replies to my post. I appreciate the posters who have taken the time to read my original post, and respond with their views as well as the others who sent me DMs with their opinions on how I should handle this. I realize this is an open forum where everyone is welcome to post their opinions, and as usual there are people who are attacking others who are, also, posting their views on this matter. To the poster saying "i over-reacted"...no I did not over-react. I was posting to ask you all if I was being paranoid. I have not done anything yet. "elitism" towards a janitor? Not exactly. As parents we are responsible for our children. To think that we should let our children follow their instints and "if they are comfortable around some people, we should trust them" is really not acceptable, since at the age of 9, 11, 13...are they really mature enough to decide who is safe and who is not? If that had been the case, we would not see child molestations/kidnappings/abuse news anywhere.
Again, thank you to those posters helping me decide what next steps should be.
B.
To be honest, I wouldn't care whether the person you describe happened to be a janitor or the principal.
i would not accept this, just based on gp. most likely the janitor is a good person, but this shouldnt be assumed. there are crazy people out there and i would not let an adult i didnt personally know any where near my child unless it was strictly professional. if anyone touched my child, they wouldnt make it to trial in one piece.
Perhaps the child should return the Santa hat, after Christmas. The parent could take it to the principal's office and let the kid say, "I can't accept this gift". Then tell the principal what happened.
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