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I personally feel that if a female gets pregnant outside of wedlock, that's her own problem. The majority of the time, he isn't going to stick around.
IT'S YOUR BODY, YOUR CHOICE! Use your brain and wake up! Take personal responsibility for your actions.
I'm tired of the shoddy excuses:
-He promised/agreed to
-We were in love
-We were going to get married
-He pressured me
-I forgot birth control
-I really wanted to be a mom
Says the girl who has said she has a weight problem(overweight) that wants people to understand and accept her weight and health problem even though it is unhealthy and a drain on our society it is perfectly okay and should not be scrutinized because it's not fair. Hey your body you can be very overweight and suffer the health consequences which taxpayers also will pay so I guess it's fair too, to ask you to use your brain and be healthier? Im tired of seeing people have excuses for why they can't lose weight and be healthier(which you've made in other threads about weight).
Says the Christian that consistently talks about her faith but makes negative unchristian-like comments? Okay yep, your opinion while semi-accurate is amusing based on the above. See how that works?
Oh, and a man who sleeps with a woman and gets her pregnant has a responsibility to the child he helped create, it is her body, but it's his p**** and if he chooses to not wrap it up then he must be prepared to man up and do his part in taking care of the creation. A woman can give life, but this does not mean that if she decides to give it that a man can walk away despite helping create it because he does not want to take care of his respinsibilities. It is not limited to just a woman in the creation process so there is no way that it should be limited to just a woman caring for her baby financially when another person was an equal participant(whether he is man enough to admit it). Shoddy man or not, poor choice in man or not, it is not solely a woman that creates a child. Therefore if neither wanted a financial responsibility for 18 years both needed to take the appropriate measures to prevent it-thus the very idea that a baby is created means that neither person took appropriate measures and that they both are now responsibile to that child, and yes that means financially. And yes that means that a man should not be able to walk away financially and claim he was trapped.
The only place I agree with you is that it is a woman's body and it is her choice to bring that life to essence or to abort it. Thus the real iota to avoid 18 years of deadbeat parenting is to be smart about who she chooses to procreate with or once she knows she got pregnant by a deadbeat to give it up for adoption or abort. However, if she is not smart about it, this does not mean that if she is morally against abortion and chooses to bring that child into the world that the man can walk away from what he helped create and that now it is all on her-leaving her to a life of financial struggles when he helped create the child too. He does not get to not be responsible solely because it's "her body" not when a dependent baby is involved who needs both parents. It is partially the asinine logic that you spouted that a man should not have such a responsibility that has led to millions of men deciding to walk away financially as deadbeats. thankfully you only represent a segment of female millennials
I'm a female millennial too and here's my input:
Op you did procreate with your sons father and did so hopefully knowing the type of man he is, no he should not be able to be a dead beat while you struggle to provide for your son, but you need to own up to the fact that you chose this deadbeat as a father and that this means that at some point you must accept that this poor decision has unfortunately resulted in him getting away with not helping you financially when you need it desperately to provide for your son. This decision will impact you until your son is 18, and while you should continue to pursue child support and whatever you can to get him to contribute as he should, you must find a way to better your own financial situation so that without his child support you are not struggling in such a way that you are. For instance you say you only make 30k a year, that is barely enough for a single person, let alone a mother with two kids. It is partially, because you are low income that not getting child support places you in such a dire position--I say partially because the other "part" is that yes it is also true that if he were giving you child support as he should that you and your children would be far better financially.
I do get regular child support from my ex, and he tends to give me more than what is necessary because though he was shoddy to me as a man, he is not that way toward our son. However without his child support I would still be fine because I have made decisions before having my son(getting a college education and starting a career) and continue to progress(graduating with masters in May and have consistently pursued career avenues that pay more) that have made it so that even if my ex stopped helping me, we would be ok. I suppose I also have the advantage that I come from an upper middle class background so I have family that helps financially and ensures that I would not rely on such a broken system such as public welfare.
Unfortunately like public education, the child support system is broken and needs work. Relying on such, places you in an awful position and for that I am sorry. I still think you should try your best to progress financially and even seek continuing education classes or certificates to be in a better position but that's up to you. It is not right that your ex is getting away with not helping you. It is also is unfair that people judge you so harshly for relying on assistance when it's the only way you can care for your children. What's even more baffling is that welfare makes up a small amount in our overall budget thus the amount the taxpayers pay for it is minimal compared to other things and yet people fixate on it as if it's the only thing that adds up in the amount we pay as taxes.
Oh well.
Sorry op, once again, I do wish you luck in your situation.
Last edited by Faith2187; 02-01-2016 at 10:34 AM..
Of course things happen and situations change. But I agree to some extent. I just don't see having children and expect/trust that someone else is always going to provide for them financially with no back up plan. That is why most people carry insurance policies. I 100% believe BOTH parents should be held responsible for the support of their children but I could never willingly put myself in a position where I could not support them myself if need be.
Again, why would anyone put themselves in that position. I'm in my 50's and have had only one peer that did not have the education/training or ability to financially support themselves and kids if need be. Even those who were SAHMs for a while had a fall back so they could return to work.
Im not saying fathers should not pay child support, of course they should. I just believe they should pay based on what they are actually earning. And I think its crazy on both spouses to have 5 or 6 kids and be dependent on only one income earner. Why would you have children you might not be able to support if something were to happen.
If your husband makes $250,000 a year, and you're a social worker making $32,000 a year, it would make no sense to pay to put kids in day care, and if nether wants the kids in daycare, then yes, I think they both have to own that decision. Some parents do not want their kids being raised by others. You happen to think raising the kids has no monetary value, like she didn't contribute so why should she get anything...I disagree.
I would say the same thing if the woman was breadwinner and dad stayed home and raised the kids.
When I chose to have a son with my my ex, the ex had supported my daughter for years. Why would I have any reason to believe he would one day not willingly support his own child?
I have received continuing education certificates and licenses over the years and it did nothing to increase my income. My income is what it is and won't get better.
I am not currently getting assistance but I might be applying soon. I need to rearrange my finances.
If your husband makes $250,000 a year, and you're a social worker making $32,000 a year, it would make no sense to pay to put kids in day care, and if nether wants the kids in daycare, then yes, I think they both have to own that decision. Some parents do not want their kids being raised by others. You happen to think raising the kids has no monetary value, like she didn't contribute so why should she get anything...I disagree.
I would say the same thing if the woman was breadwinner and dad stayed home and raised the kids.
That is not what I said at all. I totally get the importance of a SAHP.
First, I'm not sure how common it is to have that large of a pay gap between spouses. At any rate I would find it difficult to muster any sympathy for either the ex-husband having to pay out 75% of his income for maintenance and child support because he had a low earning or unemployed spouse and a bunch of kids or the ex-wife who put herself in a position of financial dependency and struggles to now support a bunch of kids on her own. You are right they both have to own that decision and crying about how unfair their situation is now is not owing their decision.
When I chose to have a son with my my ex, the ex had supported my daughter for years. Why would I have any reason to believe he would one day not willingly support his own child?
I have received continuing education certificates and licenses over the years and it did nothing to increase my income. My income is what it is and won't get better.
I am not currently getting assistance but I might be applying soon. I need to rearrange my finances.
Op, you've posted threads about how this man would not marry you, treated you badly, tried to kill you months ago, he has been dodging financial responsibilities on and off for years(your son is now 5) so he clearly demonstrates a host of poor behavioral traits that were most likely observed or should have been observed before you chose to have a baby regardless if he helped support your daughter. You must own up to your s***--it's a part of the healing process and getting beyond the victim mindset. He is the man you had a baby with and he didn't just show his a$$ out of nowhere, there were some red flags that were there that you overlooked. As I've said on numerous threads I chose to have a baby with a man that was s***** as a person and I accept that in this decision I subjected my child to a single parent household. I saw many minor red flags and was not smart and thus I have to understand that I had an equal role that led to my being a single parent. The only strong point is that I chose a man that had no problem taking care of his financial and parenting responsibilities--thus my decision impacts my son but not as much financially as it might have. Since I accept this and take responsibility for my poor choice I have also made it clear to myself that there will be no more whining about him in the context of "woe is me and I am the victim" since I chose him. All that I can do is be the best parent I can be despite the crappy circumstances and make better decisions regarding men-which I have.
In your case, you have every reason to be upset and angry at this man for not helping you as he should, but while it may make you feel better to talk about it and blame him, it is not improving your situation. Help yourself get to a place where you can figure out how to do better financially so that with or without his help you are not in a dire financial situation. This is easier said than done, but as I've told you on your many other threads there are a ton of single mothers that have went back to school, made huge sacrifices, and had to direct their energy into making money and surviving more so than trying to get a man or go on many old dates. You have to redirect some of this energy spent on wallowing on the things gone wrong or not working right, into doing whatever it is that you believe will help your situation without relying on your ex,or doing what your currently doing which doesn't seem to be helping.
In other threads you've admitted to not really wanting to go back to school, because you suck at it, and yet it is a high possibility that if you did you may be able to progress more than you are currently. That is just a suggestion... I'm glad to hear you are working out a way to get your finances in order.
Op, you've posted threads about how this man would not marry you, treated you badly, tried to kill you months ago, he has been dodging financial responsibilities on and off for years(your son is now 5) so he clearly demonstrates a host of poor behavioral traits that were most likely observed or should have been observed before you chose to have a baby regardless if he helped support your daughter. You must own up to your s***--it's a part of the healing process and getting beyond the victim mindset. He is the man you had a baby with and he didn't just show his a$$ out of nowhere, there were some red flags that were there that you overlooked. As I've said on numerous threads I chose to have a baby with a man that was s***** as a person and I accept that in this decision I subjected my child to a single parent household. I saw many minor red flags and was not smart and thus I have to understand that I had an equal role that led to my being a single parent. The only strong point is that I chose a man that had no problem taking care of his financial and parenting responsibilities--thus my decision impacts my son but not as much financially as it might have. Since I accept this and take responsibility for my poor choice I have also made it clear to myself that there will be no more whining about him in the context of "woe is me and I am the victim" since I chose him. All that I can do is be the best parent I can be despite the crappy circumstances and make better decisions regarding men-which I have.
In your case, you have every reason to be upset and angry at this man for not helping you as he should, but while it may make you feel better to talk about it and blame him, it is not improving your situation. Help yourself get to a place where you can figure out how to do better financially so that with or without his help you are not in a dire financial situation. This is easier said than done, but as I've told you on your many other threads there are a ton of single mothers that have went back to school, made huge sacrifices, and had to direct their energy into making money and surviving more so than trying to get a man or go on many old dates. You have to redirect some of this energy spent on wallowing on the things gone wrong or not working right, into doing whatever it is that you believe will help your situation without relying on your ex,or doing what your currently doing which doesn't seem to be helping.
In other threads you've admitted to not really wanting to go back to school, because you suck at it, and yet it is a high possibility that if you did you may be able to progress more than you are currently. That is just a suggestion... I'm glad to hear you are working out a way to get your finances in order.
Good luck!
I have mentioned in numerous threads that he is untreated bipolar. He was fine for years, then he went off in a big way. Up until that point I thought he was the perfect man. Which is very characteristic of sociopaths. He waited until after our breakup to show me his really crazy behavior like trying to kill me and abusing our child. How was that helpful? We already had our son for years at that point.
Now that I think about it, I was already pregnant when he had his first crazy spell. I only took him back for the kids. Lot of good that did. They both will say we are exponentially better off without him.
And I would be fine without child support if he disappeared, and I have told him if he disappears, I won't go look for him. But if he is going to be a thorn in my side ALL the time, and he starts weekly drama, he is going to pay his court ordered support and I will stay on child support caseworkers to make that happen.
I have mentioned in numerous threads that he is untreated bipolar. He was fine for years, then he went off in a big way. Up until that point I thought he was the perfect man. Which is very characteristic of sociopaths. He waited until after our breakup to show me his really crazy behavior like trying to kill me and abusing our child. How was that helpful? We already had our son for years at that point.
Now that I think about it, I was already pregnant when he had his first crazy spell. I only took him back for the kids. Lot of good that did. They both will say we are exponentially better off without him.
And I would be fine without child support if he disappeared, and I have told him if he disappears, I won't go look for him. But if he is going to be a thorn in my side ALL the time, and he starts weekly drama, he is going to pay his court ordered support and I will stay on child support caseworkers to make that happen.
*Sigh* and you did not know he was an untreated bipolar when you chose to have kids with him? Again take responsibility op for your role in this situation you are not completely innocent here-you did have a child with him and if he was untreated for as long as you say I find it hard to believe he didn't do anything at all for a long time, and then as soon as you got pregnant all h*** broke lose and it's been crazy ever since unless you were together for only a year prior to getting pregnant, it's difficult to completely believe that he was unmedicated with you for longer than a year without showing signs of his condition, the criteria for bipolar qualifies that there are episodes that occur within a given year to be diagnosed with the condition. Now if he was untreated then there is a slim chance that he did not show signs of this condition for years prior to the pregnancy then suddenly he did and it never went away-you were with him for years so you knew on some level that he was not perfect.
This does not mean that you deserve to not get child support and that he isnt a pos. It only means that you must figure out a way to make better decisions in the future so that you can progress the way you need to. It's evident from your threads that you blame everything on things outside of yourself and refuse to admit when you could do something to get different results-this really keeps you from moving forward imo.
I agree with your last sentence and I think you should continue to fight for child support. As for being fine without it, in many threads you talk about being broke and have financial issues and 30k is far from fine for a family of three-isn't that close to the poverty level? But I will take your word for it.
I don't think people should judge people as harshly as they do, who use public assistance especially if they really need it and add working, and working to improve their situation-i always think of the children. It is not the children's fault they were brought into the world in harsh circumstances that warrants the need for public welfare to help them(the kids) I would rather pay that in taxes than for wars which I do not support and which have not really benefited us or our children at all. Seems like people rarely think about the kids that are completely dependent and need the help of tax payers because their parents made mistakes-they look down on the parents but forget that unfortunately there are children's lives that would be impacted even more if not for that assistance.
Just my thoughts.
Last edited by Faith2187; 02-01-2016 at 02:06 PM..
Why is it that everyone gets fired up about single moms collecting welfare or government assistance, but no one gets fired up when the same mom can't collect child support?
We seem to be directing our anger at the wrong issue. I am a firm believer that if they fix the child support system we will see great improvement in the welfare system.
Why do they not do more to collect support from dead beats? Why are the tax payers not pushing for child support enforcement to collect these bad debts?
If a parent applies for aid to dependent children, the welfare office requires them to assign unpaid child support. The state will then go after the deadbeat and collect eventually, sometimes decades later. If a parent doesn't apply for ADC it's up to them to collect the money they are owed. That is pretty simple, since they already have a judgment. They can go after the money themselves, or assign the debt to a collection agency.
Its actually a radial button you click and now student loans are on there, student loans will be the next debtors prison along with child support. You want to have sex or get educated and it goes south you get to go to jail lol. Just sit in your moms basement and play video games
Quote:
Originally Posted by jwkilgore
In what state do you live? In every state where I do business, child support is a really big deal. It's the only situation I'm aware of where a failure to pay a civil financial obligation can land you in criminal jail. In most states where I'm registered as a professional, renewal of my license requires a signed oath stating that I do not owe back child support.
Child support has become a lot more tenuous because of all the changes in divorce law and nuclear family expectations (or lack there of I should say). Now people can just break up for what ever reasons and put the kids lives into turmoil, this is most often seen on the female side, it takes 2 to tango but 70% of divorces are filed by women. So they got to tango and now they want to tango with someone else even though they made a kid with this guy. I am certainly positive some of these guys are dirt bags and deserve to loose their woman but the problem is there is no longer a legal compulsion to prove he is in fact a dirt bag in order to collect child support monies. If a woman or man leaves without a good reason and takes the kid/s then there lives should be hard and the innocent party should get to start over fresh.
Why should the wronged party who was left high and dry now have to start writing checks on top of it while they are trying to date and put their lives back together.
The easy divorce, easy break ups pass go and collect child support model has created a really antagonistic gender dynamic which is not good.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LowonLuck
Yes but who checks behind you if you lie?
I am in Maryland. I have an ex with a high salary so it is not like he can't afford to pay. He chooses to not want to pay. Big difference. He has now quit his job and started a fake company to avoid the garnishment even though he still physically works for the same employer.
Child support enforcement takes forever to actually do anything. Took 7 months to get his wages garnished after the initial order. At that point he was well over $10k in arrears. He then quit a few jobs, then found a shady employer to hep him hide from the garnishment.
Over the last couple years, I have provided them copies of his tax returns, bank statements, utility bills, pay stubs, green card, passport, vehicle titles, etc. in otherwords everything to make it very easy for them to punish him. Do they? Nope. Had to go last week to request a hearing so I can get an order for non payment and he will start being arrested. But really what does that do? He pays $500 to get out until the next time he is picked up.
They need to force these dead beats to pay.
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