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Just to set the record straight--it was not the OP who said that.
Yep I know the type--the histrionic personality disorders that can't have any attention going to anyone but themselves. And I don't have a HPD but I have been known to get hysterical from time to time, though I usually try to do it in private. Being premenopausal, it's actually getting more and not less frequent, but the way it happens is that I will be under an extreme amount of prolonged stress and then overindulge in sugar and then something really bad will happen and I'm still calm and then something small will happen and I'll fall apart.
An example is last year after my grandmother died. I adored my g-ma and I was closer to her than any other relative except my kids. I had been under a lot of stress for the previous 2 years but had held it together for the most part. I went down to stay at her house with my mother and aunt, who were both losing it mentally and was now very concerned about what we should do about my mother b/c she was going to be staying by herself now and I was not comfortable with that but I could not talk her into coming to live with me and I was noticing that she was going downhill. Hardly anyone could get to the funeral due to icestorms so I ended up eating too much of the funeral food and besides I'm a stress eater. Way too much sugar. And then on the last day after the funeral I got stopped for speeding and just fell apart and began crying hysterically and I was so embarrassed and could not stop it once it started! I'm sure the cop thought I was trying to get out of a ticket and then it was a woman cop besides. I was not though--it was just the straw that broke the camels back.
One thing that I've noticed with prolonged stress is that I have a little less stamina after each bad thing that happens. It all started when my ex dropped the bomb and at that time I was so calm it was scary and then shortly after that I got knifed at school and my coworkers could not believe that I was not hysterical but I saw no reason I should be as I was not hurt badly. Now if it happened I don't know how I would react. I'm just trying to stay in and stay calm these days and heal my soul. And I'm not eating sugar!
Sorry for the confusion I did not mean the original poster I meant the poster who posted before me (Oleg)
And that's why the women were screaming. Later I realized they must have just seen the second plane hit, and felt a little bad at my reaction. But man, don't stand there and scream in a situation like this. RUN. You can have your meltdown later, when you are safe.
Are you sure you weren't screaming? I'm not making light of this but ask because I remember a few years ago I was in a really scary car accident with my family and still don't know how it is that we all lived through it, but thru some miracle we weren't hurt even a little bit--not even a scratch or a bit tongue. One thing that struck me after though was that we were all coughing and hoarse and it dawned on me that we all must have been screaming very loudly but I don't remember doing it nor does any of the rest of my family. What was interesting is how calm we all were in the aftermath. I think we weren't as much as we thought but the cop commented on it. I also remember that I steered right into the skid just like you're supposed to and I was struck even at the time that I knew just what to do.
It's interesting what we all remember about 9/11. The thing I remember most vividly is how unreal it all seemed on such a beautiful day--that and the pissy way that Hillary Clinton behaved during GW's speech that night. I don't like him either but thought that was in very poor taste at such a time. Despite your stories, I still can't seem to conjure up the imagination to have any real feel for what you went through and I feel kind of bad about that, but it was just too big to wrap my mind around.
I'm glad you said this, because I am the same way. Especially with women who SCREAM. Even when I see it on TV, it bugs the heck out of me.
Not a big mystery--I know it's a reaction to having a mother who loved to play drama queen. No one else in the house was allowed to demonstrate emotions too much emotion, or we were feeling sorry for ourselves, or being overly sensitive. But she would throw the back of her hand to her forehead, run down the hall, and fling herself on her bed, sobbing, to get attention at the least little thing. I swear she grew up watching too many 1940's movies.
A friend of mine used to work as a greeter in a funeral parlor. He used to see a lot of the same drama you saw in the vet office. Women throwing themselves on the body of their husband in the casket. YUCK. Get a grip on yourself, and have some dignity.
However, I really noticed my intolerance on September 11, 2001. As most of you know, I was in the north tower when AA11 slammed into us. We had made it down--I was almost out. We'd emerged from the stairwell onto the mezzanine--a sort of balcony area that ran around and above the lobby. There was a line of people stretched from the stairwell to a door leading out to a side arm of the Plaza (area in the center of the complex). A few minutes earlier, around the 4th floor, we'd heard a huge explosion and felt the building shake and everyone held their breath for a moment and then proceeded. Later, I realized this was the second plane hitting Two. But right now, I didn't know why the line of people had stopped and no one was moving out the door, and I just wanted to get the hell out of that building.
I grabbed my friend's hand and ran around the line of stopped people and went out the door, and as soon as I stepped out, there are two women SCREAMING, just SCREAMING at the top of their lungs, no words, just screams. I turned to my friend and said, "Do they HAVE to scream like that?" I was then distracted by the site of a poor little bird dying on the concrete, quivering. I can see it clear as day--brown bird with tealish-colors on its underside. I felt so bad for this bird (I would see a lot more dead birds shortly after.) Then my friend said, "Oh...look at the Plaza." The Plaza was covered with all kinds of stuff, including burning airplane parts, fabric, luggage, pieces of human beings...
And that's why the women were screaming. Later I realized they must have just seen the second plane hit, and felt a little bad at my reaction. But man, don't stand there and scream in a situation like this. RUN. You can have your meltdown later, when you are safe.
Wow! I cannot imagine what you went through,I only saw the recap and aftermath on TV. I was working that day on LI. I agree though run like hell get to a safe place then scream your head off and have your melt down. I am glad you made it. As I read this I have chills down my back and I feel like crying. 9/11 will never be forgotton especially for those who were actually there.
Stepka, no, I am positive I wasn't screaming. Was dead calm and on auto-pilot. Yes, it is hard to imagine if you weren't someplace, or at least familiar with a place so you know what it looked like or sounded like.
I never heard anything about Hillary or what you mentioned. I don't think I even watched much TV at the time. It took me until about 8 to get home that night anyway.
I think a lot of our emotional reactions are culturally based. A culture that is more expressive in their emotions, are going to have a melt down. I grew up in a rigid religious home, emotions were not acceptable, under any circumstances. Even crying was a sign of "weakness". Stoicism was the cultural "norm".
Under extreme emergencies, people react based on their inner core self. Many people have enough sense to rely on the skills of self preservation. But those used to being taken care of, don't know how to react when expected to care for themselves.
As for stress and grief, I went through a period of my life where it is a literal fog. I remember being in line at Wal-Mart, and almost having a hysterical melt down complete full blown over reaction to someone cutting in front of me in line. I was irrationally filled with absolute rage. Not hysteria, but maybe close. I often think about that day when I have people who are going crazy over small issues, and I wonder what problems they are having in their life...I am actually quite sympathetic to folks like this.
I think a lot of our emotional reactions are culturally based. A culture that is more expressive in their emotions, are going to have a melt down. I grew up in a rigid religious home, emotions were not acceptable, under any circumstances. Even crying was a sign of "weakness". Stoicism was the cultural "norm".
Under extreme emergencies, people react based on their inner core self. Many people have enough sense to rely on the skills of self preservation. But those used to being taken care of, don't know how to react when expected to care for themselves.
As for stress and grief, I went through a period of my life where it is a literal fog. I remember being in line at Wal-Mart, and almost having a hysterical melt down complete full blown over reaction to someone cutting in front of me in line. I was irrationally filled with absolute rage. Not hysteria, but maybe close. I often think about that day when I have people who are going crazy over small issues, and I wonder what problems they are having in their life...I am actually quite sympathetic to folks like this.
^^^I can relate to this post. I too was brought up in a religious household where emotions were not acceptable (except if you were my mother, lol). I learned how to keep myself from crying by the time I was six, because that's when my cousin of the same age died, and although I FELT like crying, I didn't want to be called a baby so I swallowed it down. THAT came back to bite me, of course.
I know about the fog, and about the anger. I still have moments of rage against life and occasionally allow those meltdowns, but only ever in the privacy of my home, never in front of anyone.
I can remember having such a meltdown when I was married, falling apart and begging my husband to listen to me, telling him I couldn't take it anymore. I was exhausted from the cumulative effects of years of not getting enough sleep because I was working to support the family, taking care of the baby, worrying about all the expenses caused by his drinking and screw-ups, and I thought I was going to end up in a nuthouse. He looked at me and said, "OH BOO-HOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, you have it SO bad...."
I had to walk out of the house at that point because I wanted to kill him. Just wanted to get my cast-iron frying pan and smash it into his head over and over and over again until he was on the ground and would never get up again.
I don't think my ex realizes how fortunate he is that he is still alive.
I would worry about people that do not react at all. No tears at the death of a beloved spouse, or even a special pet. Maybe they are the sick ones.
Some of the hysterical ones are just letting it fly. Watch the clips of funerals in some of the Asian Lands. The women are screaming and crying, pulling at their hair and clothing, and everyone seems to expect that sort of behavior.
I remember being a very hysterical child and having it shamed out of me over time. Some discipline was definitely in order as I would otherwise have been constantly a-howling. Because I never learned to manage overwhelming emotions in a respectable way, I suppose, and because I knew I couldn't continue to behave disruptively, I stopped feeling in many situations where sadness was called for. Both ways of handling things seem selfish, but I don't know how else to respond.
I totally sympathize with "hysterical" grief reactions that occur in the moment. When it becomes longer-term behavior without consideration for the needs of others who are also suffering, or when a person expects others to cater to them and to accede to their demands, I am far less sympathetic. When a child is expected to meet a parent's emotional needs, I have no sympathy for anyone other than the child.
From the OP's description in this and other threads, it seems that her Mom has psychological problems that extend well beyond an in-the-moment grief reaction and that Mom may be using emotional reactions to control her family members, particularly the OP. Certainly, Mom and OP need help dealing with the situation. If Mom refuses to acknowledge this, Op may want to seek help on her own.
I know from experience that not all "hysterical" grief results from a desire for attention or a lack of regard for others and that not all who grieve hysterically are drama queens. My grandmother, a quiet woman whose deportment was usually nearly perfect, almost collapsed when she saw my grandfather's body in the casket.
Mighty Queen's response to Oleg was on the spot and exactly what I was thinking.
I don't think anyone knows how they will react to the death of a loved one until it happens,as for telling people to get a grip that is a no-no, people have to let it out, sometimes the most meek and mild person will react in a different way than you would expect, they become angry and frustrated at not being able to do anything about the situation.
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. As I read this I have chills down my back and I feel like crying. 9/11 will never be forgotton especially for those who were actually there.
