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Thank you for explaining, Oleg. You now sound human to me (us). I'm glad your daughter survived and is doing well.
My husband was the same type. He didn't fall apart or show too much emotion on the outside. He didn't even cry at his mother's funeral but he leaned on me for support when hs legs were trying to give way.
He had told me that if I died before him (this was way before we learned he was sick), he wouldn't cry at my funeral but go up to a mountain and just scream.
I, on the other hand, can not hide my tears for him.
No hysterics though. That is unseemly and uncalled for IMO.
Interesting story. Glad your daughter had a good outcome. I have noticed many times over my life that there's always one strong member of a family who holds things together for every member who falls apart. I guess it's that old opposite attracts thing. Most of us---I believe---fall some where in the middle: we can be strong when we need to be but we can show emotion in a appropriate way and/or when we're not wearing our public face.
My mom actually used to be the strong one. Many, many years ago my father was fixing something with needle nose pliers. They bounced off a piece of metal and hit him right in the eye. It looked just awful with blood pouring out of his eye socket. She very, very calmly drove him to the hospital (it turned out okay in the end).
I can remember hitting an oil slick in my father's huge heavy oldsmobile. It spun a complete 180 so we were facing oncoming traffic. I was cursing my head off while my mother sat silently beside me. This, the woman who is always hitting the invisible brake on the passenger side.
Now, not so much. She recently called me screaming and carrying on to tell me there was an emergency with my cat. The call disconnected and she was too panicked to hang up, so I couldn't call back. I had to drive home convinced my cat was dead or dying. Turned out he ate a tiny feather.
Actually, being too calm can sometimes had unintended consequences. My sister still hasn't forgiven my mother for being 'too calm' when my sister was hit by a car on her bike. She was taken to the hospital and my mother didn't want to panic her, so she tried to act strong and calm when she met her in the emergency room. I guess she pulled it off a little too well.
My semi-estranged wife lives close by- I just got back from spending an evening with her- She is younger than I but her health is not as good- I was blessed with strong genetics and a certain stubborn streak. She mentioned that she may have a heart defect--She assumes that I do not love her dearly..and I always have been an aloft and arrogant pride filled man.
When I think of my loved ones passing away the first thing I think of is "damn this is going to be expensive--got corpse to deal with- crying people- people in shock...all those inconvenient things...In reality...I attempt to stay a bit distant from the mother of my children...What it might be is- If anything happened to her I would be completely destroyed.
She really does not understand how deep my love is for her- that I always over looked any defects...that I love her for exactly who she is - warts and all....To be honest I avoid the idea of the ones dear to me leaving this world- But death knows no bounds or rules- I could sit down on the toilet in the morning and be found dead.................what an embarrassment....see- I am proud...
Some how I feel like I will live to be very old- a first in my family- What it might be is my understanding of life..growing older and wiser--I have a little knack....I can see death coming- and I ALWAYS avoid it...When the time comes and I go- it breaks my heart..not so much feeling sorry for myself- But the tears that will be shed....One thing that I do know- I am dearly loved- I am blessed....and I can not bare the vision in my mind of sorrow that will fall on others...I don't want them to cry...so I hold on and keep going.
My semi-estranged wife lives close by- I just got back from spending an evening with her- She is younger than I but her health is not as good- I was blessed with strong genetics and a certain stubborn streak. She mentioned that she may have a heart defect--She assumes that I do not love her dearly..and I always have been an aloft and arrogant pride filled man.
When I think of my loved ones passing away the first thing I think of is "damn this is going to be expensive--got corpse to deal with- crying people- people in shock...all those inconvenient things...In reality...I attempt to stay a bit distant from the mother of my children...What it might be is- If anything happened to her I would be completely destroyed.
She really does not understand how deep my love is for her- that I always over looked any defects...that I love her for exactly who she is - warts and all....To be honest I avoid the idea of the ones dear to me leaving this world- But death knows no bounds or rules- I could sit down on the toilet in the morning and be found dead.................what an embarrassment....see- I am proud...
Some how I feel like I will live to be very old- a first in my family- What it might be is my understanding of life..growing older and wiser--I have a little knack....I can see death coming- and I ALWAYS avoid it...When the time comes and I go- it breaks my heart..not so much feeling sorry for myself- But the tears that will be shed....One thing that I do know- I am dearly loved- I am blessed....and I can not bare the vision in my mind of sorrow that will fall on others...I don't want them to cry...so I hold on and keep going.
I think you meant "aloof" and arrogant. One is aloof, a thing is "aloft".
Oh my, yes, you certainly sound arrogant, my friend. Wouldn't you be surprised if you could look down and see no one crying. Or there.
I was watching the movie 'My Sister's Keeper' the other day with my mother. In the movie, one of the daughters is dying and the mother reacts by basically becoming hysterical...yelling, trying to control every detail of the family's life, completely losing it when the daughter makes various decisions about her own life, etc.
My mother made the comment that this behavior was okay 'because she's not in her right mind'. This is the same excuse she uses to justify her own hysterical behavior when emergencies happen.
I actually get angry when people display this kind of behavior and then brush it off without even apologizing. I feel like it makes the situation all about them, even if they aren't the primary person affected, and makes it harder for everyone to cope. I used to see it all the time when I worked as a vet tech. For example, a family came in to have their dog euthanized. The wife started screaming and literally rolling around on the floor...while her two young children huddled against the wall terrified of their own mother's behavior. I saw a woman literally throw her dead dog at the receptionist and start rolling on the floor in the waiting room (for some reason rolling is a popular thing to do when your pet dies).
Is this kind of behavior justified? Would you consider anyone who reacted this way mentally ill, and would that change your opinion of the behavior? I feel guilty for being so angry about this type of thing, but I honestly want to just grab the person and shake them until they stop. But maybe they really can't control it...in which case, can my anger be justified?
Rolling? what happened to dignity, to quiet crying and things like that? Sharing with folks, telling the what you just lost, etc? ROLLING sounds absolutely nutty.
These must be folks that have very little else, or nothing else that fulfills them. They must have been too attached to whomever they just lost or are losing.
I'm a nursing student, and I worked in an emergency department before I started nursing school. I have seen family members roll on the floor, run through the ED screaming, cry and pound their chests, rip their clothing apart, pull their hair out, curse us and threaten to hurt or kill us, yell, scream, throw chairs and other equipment, and do just about everything else imaginable. We've even had some leave the department and come back with knives or guns.
I understand how hard it is to lose a loved one, and I understand that there is a lot of emotional pain involved. I do not, however, think that it is appropriate to become destructive, violent, threatening, or so overly-dramatic during a time of loss. This behavior always gets the other family members riled up, and they either join in, or get into a heated argument with the overly-dramatic family member. Once, a patient's girlfriend was rolling in the floor and sobbing, and the patient's mother became enraged at her behavior, jumped on her, and began to physically assault her on the floor.
I have to admit the rolling on the floor thing intrigues me. I was extremely emotional during my daughter's funeral. No wailing or anything like that but lots of sobbing and tears. It never even occurred to me to roll. I wonder if it's a cultural thing?
I have to admit the rolling on the floor thing intrigues me. I was extremely emotional during my daughter's funeral. No wailing or anything like that but lots of sobbing and tears. It never even occurred to me to roll. I wonder if it's a cultural thing?
I, too, wonder if it's not a cultural thing. Or I must live a sheltered life because in all my years---and I'm old---have never seen anyone roll on the floor in hysteria over anything. The only time I've seen it was at wedding receptions awhile back when it was a fad that the wedding parties were doing.
I have to admit the rolling on the floor thing intrigues me. I was extremely emotional during my daughter's funeral. No wailing or anything like that but lots of sobbing and tears. It never even occurred to me to roll. I wonder if it's a cultural thing?
Lots of sobbing and tears is quite understandable, especially at your child's death. I'm sorry to hear of your loss, kansas. I can not fathom that loss.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wayland Woman
I, too, wonder if it's not a cultural thing. Or I must live a sheltered life because in all my years---and I'm old---have never seen anyone roll on the floor in hysteria over anything. The only time I've seen it was at wedding receptions awhile back when it was a fad that the wedding parties were doing.
I don't know if it's called "cultural" but the elephant in the room may say so.
I have to admit the rolling on the floor thing intrigues me. I was extremely emotional during my daughter's funeral. No wailing or anything like that but lots of sobbing and tears. It never even occurred to me to roll. I wonder if it's a cultural thing?
There's actually a bit more to the story that I excluded because it sounds unbelievable. The woman who threw her dog at the receptionist and was rolling on the floor was a long time client. I was trying to convince her to come back to an exam room but she refused. People were coming in for their appointments to this sight. I went downstairs to get one of the vets, who was a friend of this woman in the hopes she could calm her down.
This particular vet had a very traumatic life...she was one of those people who always has terrible things happen to her. She would sometimes randomly start to cry during the workday. She walked out into the waiting room, observed the scene for a minute...and then hit the floor herself and started wailing.
That was the point where I went downstairs to hide. It took another vet to finally calm everybody down.
Months later the woman's friend would loss a dog and would react in a very similar manner. She didn't roll, but she spent half an hour screaming in my face that the dog had to be cremated with her blanket...which was not at all an issue. She was full out shrieking and cursing at me. Her friend (the one who threw the dog) was with her and encouraging this behavior.
All of the worst hysterical grief cases I can remember were middle-aged white woman, typically upper class.
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