You're family member dies and you don't hear from certain people
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I would agree that in your case circumstances were different. However, I don't think anybody should feel obligated to shell out thousands of dollars for a funeral. But one can ask their church for use of a multipurpose room or church hall for an hour to allow family and friends to gather and share memories, without paying much if any money. In my family's case, everyone lived within 20 miles of one another. So imagine being 87, losing 3 sisters that you have been close to your entire life within 6 months and not having any memorial. Simply a phone call, "by the way Ruth died today, she's being cremated, there won't be any service". I guess I just don't understand why the family wouldn't want to come together in some way. We celebrate births, marriages, and deaths I always thought, we celebrated that person's life and mourned our loss. Not sure why folks don't think it's important?
Well first off sorry about your aunts. That is a lot of loss within a short period of time.
But every situation is different, in your families case you stated everyone lived within 20 miles. So it sounds like there are strong ties to the area and lots of long time family friends.
Well that wasn't my case. We had no family or old family friends within 2,000 miles. My mother told me before she passed in 2012 that 1) Didn't want to be put on display and 2) Who would be there besides my father and myself.
I left that area after my dad passed, but I still think it was rude and cold for his old men "friends"(I use that word loosely) to not acknowledge his death.
It would have been nice if one of them sent a card or picked up the phone(they all knew me fairly well) or just asked "how are you doing, want to go have lunch". I spent 3 1/2 months packing up a house and getting it ready for sale, not too much time for grieving.
Ironically, it was younger people in their 20s(you know those awful kids) who worked as servers or cashiers in the supermarket who were very fond of my dad that showed me empathy and kindness.
But there is no point in having a service for 2 or 3 people to attend.
People are cruel. I am experiencing similar things. However other family member has been influencing my town, she does not even live here! Rotten people are rotten. Just try to live and not expect anything from any one. that way you wont get hurt when no help comes.
And I still say . . . shifting the focus to anger over who did and didn't respond to a death in your family is non-productive.
I have seen folks cut people out of their lives when they didn't feel they got the "right response" from others at a wake, funeral or in the days after a loved one's death.
For some, that was a cleansing experience. The people they sifted out of their lives was because they realized they really had nothing in common or were not actually close after all . . . or they simply were not the type of people the grieving person would want to spend time with in the future. Perhaps they realized the relationship was shallow and why put one-sided effort into it.
I have also seen others create misery for themselves by making all sorts of assumptions about how "bad" the folks were who didn't respond as they felt they should be responded to after a death.
It seems so sad that people will get wrapped up in anger and hard feelings while also dealing with grief. It seems very misplaced, to me.
Yet, I can FEEL the hurt and pain that many have written about because their loved one was not honored properly (in their minds) or they themselves feel disrespected because people they expected to reach out didn't.
So I am not in any way discounting what people have experienced and how much pain it has caused.
It just doesn't seem a good way of dealing with life, to me, to focus on what we perceive as short-comings of those around us and to translate that into so much anger and disappointment that it affects how we move forward in our relationships.
Forgive, don't make assumptions, and let go of the hurt and pain. It is hard enough dealing with the loss of someone dear without adding continued misery by feeling angry and hurt by other people who may have no ill will towards us, at all. Life is just too short to waste energy being angry.
I could have written your post , but that was before going through something very hard & painful and
enduring added pain by people that I considered close not taking 15 minutes out of an entire year to check on me ..Church people that were too busy with their mission trips & prayer meetings to have one lunch with
someone that was drowning in grief..
What casual friends did or did not do had no great impact on me , but people that I counted as close that never checked is a hard pill to swallow...
Why spend so much time studying the Bible when you don't do things that are as obvious as comforting & visiting someone you called a friend after they lose a spouse ??? I think there are lots of fake friends & fake Christians in our midst..
If someone doesn't say anything to you when one of your loved ones passes away, then you shouldn't say anything to them when one of their loved ones passes away. Surely they will understand and not be offended.
I try to keep my expectations "low" when it comes to other people.. I don't want to be "super sensitive." I keep telling myself that nobody "owes me" anything!...When I receive a little attention or support (from friends), I'm grateful. But all in all, I'm prepared to be "forgotten" or put on the "back-burner." And I make it "okay."...I don't want to wallow in self-pity or be angry all the time. I know I'm not the center of everyones' "universe." So I don't have grandiose expectations...Basically, I just focus on taking care of myself everyday. (The best I can!) And this keeps me busy and preoccupied!
Doors are Only Closed to all by You. Don't be so Sure
Quote:
Originally Posted by tamiznluv
That was a nice thing that your friend did, Teddy. He showed how much he cared. I bet that call was better than if he had shown up to either wake or funeral. You two got to really talk, not just a quick "I'm sorry".
I don't begrudge anyone who didn't call or send a card anymore, the anger is gone, I've moved on. I don't even think about it anymore except for here and it doesn't bother me now. Life is too short to hold stupid grudges against others.
I saw something sad while on the road today, a hearse with no cars following. That was sad to me. That will also be the way my funeral will look. I thought about CA and smilin' too. Oh well, such is life. Let's have a content life while we still are breathing.
Nice response Tami. It takes a lot of healing to not be angry or upset with those who seemed to forget or just couldn't be "emotionally" or physically present.
As for your last statement, I don't think you can say the same will be true for you, CA or smilin' . I understand why you say that but the fact is all three of you have people who care about you, some being here. Anytime someone invites you to a holiday dinner or check on you, I don't know that you can say the same would happen at your funeral, when that horrible day comes. Let alone current relatives perhaps having softer, more tender feelings will happen. As long as one is alive, there is hope. Besides, you don't know who you still haven't met that may become a close friend. Don't assume all those doors are nailed shut.......you could be wrong. Some who enjoy you and your fun might have different plans.
You'll be seeing Earl again, I'm not sure you want anyone else around
[QUOTE =sean dublin;34412961]Well first off sorry about your aunts. That is a lot of loss within a short period of time.
But every situation is different, in your families case you stated everyone lived within 20 miles. So it sounds like there are strong ties to the area and lots of long time family friends.
Well that wasn't my case. We had no family or old family friends within 2,000 miles. My mother told me before she passed in 2012 that 1) Didn't want to be put on display and 2) Who would be there besides my father and myself.
I left that area after my dad passed, but I still think it was rude and cold for his old men "friends"(I use that word loosely) to not acknowledge his death.
It would have been nice if one of them sent a card or picked up the phone(they all knew me fairly well) or just asked "how are you doing, want to go have lunch". I spent 3 1/2 months packing up a house and getting it ready for sale, not too much time for grieving.
Ironically, it was younger people in their 20s(you know those awful kids) who worked as servers or cashiers in the supermarket who were very fond of my dad that showed me empathy and kindness.
But there is no point in having a service for 2 or 3 people to attend.[/quote]
I have no issue with your points about mileage and money, Sean. But I can tell you from personal experience having a gathering for even one, if you've been the one cut out like I was, would have made a world of difference to me and probably 50 - 100 other coworkers, let alone others. Especially for me.
I try to keep my expectations "low" when it comes to other people.. I don't want to be "super sensitive." I keep telling myself that nobody "owes me" anything!...When I receive a little attention or support (from friends), I'm grateful. But all in all, I'm prepared to be "forgotten" or put on the "back-burner." And I make it "okay."...I don't want to wallow in self-pity or be angry all the time. I know I'm not the center of everyones' "universe." So I don't have grandiose expectations...Basically, I just focus on taking care of myself everyday. (The best I can!) And this keeps me busy and preoccupied!
Belated Happy Mother's Day, CA.
I like your post. But look at the connections you've made over the years and more recently working with the cats in the rescue.
I agree it's best to focus on today and how we can each do our best, given all that we're juggling. We simply don't know how many other things others are dealing with daily.
Speaking of that I have to cut this short. Today is one of my niece's death day anniversary. I need to spend time with my sister.
I like your post. But look at the connections you've made over the years and more recently working with the cats in the rescue.
I agree it's best to focus on today and how we can each do our best, given all that we're juggling. We simply don't know how many other things others are dealing with daily.
Speaking of that I have to cut this short. Today is one of my niece's death day anniversary. I need to spend time with my sister.
I hope you are doing as well as possible.
MSR
MSR...I'm sorry you lost your niece. How is your sister doing? How have you been?...I sure miss my family and the culture we shared together...I'm going through "trial and error" when it comes to friends...Sometimes, I feel like a fish out of water! Still have a lot to learn!
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Doors are Only Closed to all by You. Don't be so Sure
