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Are you sure they knew how to get in touch with you? Did they know your address? Did they know your phone number? (Do you even have a land line anymore? It makes it difficult to find your number if you don't.)
Perhaps they had a chance to say goodbye before he died, and feel that was closure enough for them.
Yes, it would have been nice to to have a sense that your father was important to these friends. But in the bigger scheme of things -- would it truly have eased your grief? Probably not. And, to be perfectly sexist -- often men don't think of these things, it's their wives that make the gesture. And widowers often just don't remember the social niceties.
You know my dad used to have an expression in regards to making excuses as you just did. "If your mother had been a man she would have been your father".
I think I clearly explained the situation(I realize this thread went to several pages) in a few posts. They most certainly knew the phone number and address, and also knew me fairly well.
I find your excuses to be the "norm" today,not just in dealing with grief but just in general. No one can admit fault or just say "I'm sorry, that was wrong"...instead you get excuses that make it about them...LOL.
And you're 100% wrong in regards to easing the grief. Thankfully there was other support, but it would have been very much appreciated to have heard something. I was on my own in that area(I relocated after selling the house) for another 3 1/2 months, a phone call, an invite to go get a cup of coffee or lunch would have made a difference.
Just a couple of months ago I got a handwritten note by a doctor who treated my father a couple of times, it forwarded from the old address to me. I was quite moved and called the doctor's office to say how touched I was.
So you're wrong about easing grief. Sometimes the smallest gesture can mean the world to someone.
Are you sure they knew how to get in touch with you? Did they know your address? Did they know your phone number? (Do you even have a land line anymore? It makes it difficult to find your number if you don't.)
Perhaps they had a chance to say goodbye before he died, and feel that was closure enough for them.
Yes, it would have been nice to to have a sense that your father was important to these friends. But in the bigger scheme of things -- would it truly have eased your grief? Probably not. And, to be perfectly sexist -- often men don't think of these things, it's their wives that make the gesture. And widowers often just don't remember the social niceties.
I agree with what you wrote...All of the calls and cards I received after the deaths in my family came from female friends...A lot of men in my age bracket are used to letting their wives handle "emotional stuff." And, communication in general...My Aunt and I helped my Dad write "thank you" notes after my Mom died. It was all foreign to him and out of his "league."
My dad recently passed away and he had a group of old men that he associated with, I hesitate at this point to call them "friends", but he knew these men for more than 10 yrs since moving from NY to FL.
They got together pretty much every weekend for more than a decade. Since Clinton was office, so more like 13 or 14 yrs.
I also know them, I have associated with them. Not one of them(there are 4) have picked up the phone or sent a card, I am both hurt and stunned.
All the support has come from out of the area, long time friends.
It bothers me and I think it is beyond rude. When one of men's wives passed last year both my father and I were very supportive of the him and his adult daughter. Including going to the hospice before she passed.
They say younger people have no manners today, well I find that to be the opposite. When I had to tell a few servers in restaurants and some supermarket employees (all in their 20s) they broke down and cried. Yet not a peep out of the old folks.
And sorry I don't buy the excuse that they're afraid of their own mortality. When someone passes you support the family, I have had to deal with losing a friend to a terminal illness at 42 and also had to support people who lost a child(no greater loss), so I find it VERY SELFISH when people make it about themselves.
It's like the ones who say "I can't stand hospitals", so they don't go see someone who is dying, it is not about YOU and what YOU don't like, it is about being supportive.
I am on the fence about saying something to the one who was his "closest friend" but at the same time
I think it is beyond rude for this kind of behavior.
I'm so sorry about your father's passing. Did his friends come to your father's funeral or visitation? It seems from what you are saying that they did not, but sometimes people do not send a card, and show up at the funeral home to pay their respects.
Sometimes older people do not like to go to funerals because it seems like all their friends are dying, but they could at least acknowledge the death by sending a card. Are you sure that they did not send flowers, and maybe the card with the flowers got lost?
You know my dad used to have an expression in regards to making excuses as you just did. "If your mother had been a man she would have been your father".
I think I clearly explained the situation(I realize this thread went to several pages) in a few posts. They most certainly knew the phone number and address, and also knew me fairly well.
I find your excuses to be the "norm" today,not just in dealing with grief but just in general. No one can admit fault or just say "I'm sorry, that was wrong"...instead you get excuses that make it about them...LOL.
And you're 100% wrong in regards to easing the grief. Thankfully there was other support, but it would have been very much appreciated to have heard something. I was on my own in that area(I relocated after selling the house) for another 3 1/2 months, a phone call, an invite to go get a cup of coffee or lunch would have made a difference.
Just a couple of months ago I got a handwritten note by a doctor who treated my father a couple of times, it forwarded from the old address to me. I was quite moved and called the doctor's office to say how touched I was.
So you're wrong about easing grief. Sometimes the smallest gesture can mean the world to someone.
I'm sorry that you didn't hear from family friends. And, I understand what you're saying about excuses...But sometimes, I know that I have to let people "off the hook" for my own peace of mind...I run into culture-clashes all the time where people don't measure-up to my "expectations." They don't follow or abide by my "rules." (In other words.)...I've learned that life isn't totally black or white. Or "cut" and "dry," etc...What seems normal and "right" to me may or may not seem normal and "right" or a "given" to someone else...When I keep this in mind, I seem to do better. I don't walk around with "ruffled feathers" all the time.
I've had to deal with all of the deaths in my family on my own. It's been rough at times and lonely...Basically, I'm the last one left and the "sole survivor" of my family...I've had to "go it alone" and face reality about all of my losses by myself...It would have nice to receive some support and attention and a little more caring and empathy and understanding, etc...But, I don't feel that anyone "owes me" anything. I don't feel "entitled." (In other words.)...I don't want to spend my days "angry at the world" because I've had to deal with my losses on my own...I want to put my energy into grieving and "healing" and being able to "move on" without my loved ones. (Someday.)...And, I try to take my mind off my "troubles" by being supportive of other people when they go through losses or face problems, etc. This makes me feel "good.".. I don't want to become "bitter" and walk around angry all the time because I've had to "go it alone."
Don't you assume that they are suffering their own loss too? Maybe they were upset with him before he died for whatever reason? Maybe they didn't want to deal with emotional chaos (like a lot of men and women don't) by talking about it. I deal with grief ALONE.... I rarely mention it to anyone, but you can bet a billion that it affects me DEEPLY when I lose someone I even remotely knew. Much more so if it was someone I cared about; a friend or real family member.... Perhaps they are the same. I don't go to all of their funerals, I don't send sympathy cards to their family. But it still bothers me in private.
Deal with your loss and just let them deal too. No need to get upset even more over how anybody else responds or doesn't show a response. That doesn't matter.
Don't you assume that they are suffering their own loss too? Maybe they were upset with him before he died for whatever reason? Maybe they didn't want to deal with emotional chaos (like a lot of men and women don't) by talking about it. I deal with grief ALONE.... I rarely mention it to anyone, but you can bet a billion that it affects me DEEPLY when I lose someone I even remotely knew. Much more so if it was someone I cared about; a friend or real family member.... Perhaps they are the same. I don't go to all of their funerals, I don't send sympathy cards to their family. But it still bothers me in private.
Deal with your loss and just let them deal too. No need to get upset even more over how anybody else responds or doesn't show a response. That doesn't matter.
GODDESS, each person is different. What works for you doesn't necessarily work for others. Some individuals are more "tender" emotionally than you or I. We each have to find our own way.
When my grandfather died we found out about it from the newspaper. A family friend saw it and forwarded it to us. He was divorced from my grandmother and had remarried. He died rich enough for it to make the papers. I think his second family hoped that they could sneak probate through before we found out. As it happened, neither my mother not my uncle (children of the first marriage) were interested in his money. But he was their father and they should have been informed.
Don't you assume that they are suffering their own loss too? Maybe they were upset with him before he died for whatever reason? Maybe they didn't want to deal with emotional chaos (like a lot of men and women don't) by talking about it. I deal with grief ALONE.... I rarely mention it to anyone, but you can bet a billion that it affects me DEEPLY when I lose someone I even remotely knew. Much more so if it was someone I cared about; a friend or real family member.... Perhaps they are the same. I don't go to all of their funerals, I don't send sympathy cards to their family. But it still bothers me in private.
Deal with your loss and just let them deal too. No need to get upset even more over how anybody else responds or doesn't show a response. That doesn't matter.
You do realize the people who suffer the direct loss are the one who need the support the most. Very selfish to not want to deal with "emotional chaos" because it upsets YOU, I didn't realize sending a card or calling and saying "I'm sorry for your loss", throws someone into emotional chaos".
Very selfish. Some people have class and manners, and some people don't.
It's not all about you and your comfort level when someone needs some emotional support.
And for the record in this case, no one was angry with my father. One poster earlier on mentioned about forming friendships late in life, I think they hit the nail on the head. My dad even commented to me after my mother passed he thought he had more "acquaintances" down here(FL) than friends. Turned out to be true.
I was very thankful for the support I did receive, and as I posted earlier got a very nice short letter from a doctor my dad had only seen a few times that forwarded from my dad's old address, I was moved to tears that he would take the time to do that and called their office to say thank you. A doctor/surgeon who barely knew him managed to take the time to do this, but people who are retired and saw him weekly for years couldn't be bothered.
It is was it is, like I said I am grateful for the support I did get, but don't tell people it doesn't matter. Imagine someone drowning in grief and not hearing from anyone, how do you think they would feel?
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Family Member Dies
