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When my wife died there were a few friends who lived in other parts of the country who probably had no way to know what happened. I sat down and wrote letters to let them know but I heard back from only one. Writing the letters worked as a sort of therapy exercise. I was put off a little by not hearing anything in response from some of them...and still haven't some years later.
But...I balance that with the dozens of people who showed up or expressed support who I had not expected to be much aware of her passing. She touched many lives and I was surprised at how far her life influences had spread.
My mom died back in the 1990s after being in a nursing home for seven years with dementia. She lived in another town and I brought her to my town for the nursing home so she didn't have many friends but there were still a number of people at the memorial service. About a week later I got a letter from my old grade school principal (from the 1950s) expressing sympathy and recounting his memories of my mom's efforts at the local school. Turns out he retired to a town a few miles from me and must have seen an obit in the paper. That was a nice surprise when I needed one.
I could have written your post , but that was before going through something very hard & painful and
enduring added pain by people that I considered close not taking 15 minutes out of an entire year to check on me ..Church people that were too busy with their mission trips & prayer meetings to have one lunch with
someone that was drowning in grief..
What casual friends did or did not do had no great impact on me , but people that I counted as close that never checked is a hard pill to swallow...
Why spend so much time studying the Bible when you don't do things that are as obvious as comforting & visiting someone you called a friend after they lose a spouse ??? I think there are lots of fake friends & fake Christians in our midst..
I haven't been back to this thread since you posted this, KELLY.
I am sorry you have gone through such a difficult experience.
Sometimes, we have to let others know we are having a difficult time and invite them into our lives rather than waiting on them to reach out. Maybe you DID let them know and that is what made the rejection and lack of concern so very hurtful.
Were these people who didn't invite you to lunch (or call you) the same folks you had socialized with previously? Were you excluded from events that you have participated in with them in years past?
I have to be honest and tell you that I would find it odd and intrusive if folks suddenly started showing interest in me and inviting me out to lunch (or to any social event) after my spouse or child died, when they hadn't done those same things before. I would find a phone call very awkward.
If I were suddenly excluded, however, I would pick up the phone and tell my friends that I needed their companionship and hoped they would include me in the future. I wouldn't get angry and insulted. I would assume people thought I wasn't "ready" for social events since I had not communicated to them that I was.
But we are all different and maybe I have misread what happened in your life. In any case, I am so sorry you have gone through a bad time and felt your church family didn't care. I hope you discussed this with your Pastor.
Last edited by brokensky; 05-22-2014 at 11:15 AM..
I had an uncle by marriage that died four years ago. He worked as an installer with the local cable company for thirty plus years. He wasn't extremely outgoing or a socialite, but it was the most crowded funeral I'd been to. My grandfather died the prior and there were lots of people there, many of whom he'd worked with and he'd been retired sixteen years.
One of my friends killed himself in July and I thought there would have been far more people there than were. It was sad how few people came and how insignificant he must have been in people's lives. Other than his churchgoers, a few close friends and old lovers, there was hardly no one there.
You never really know how much impact someone have (or didn't) and how much they were loved (or not) until the funeral.
I had an uncle by marriage that died four years ago. He worked as an installer with the local cable company for thirty plus years. He wasn't extremely outgoing or a socialite, but it was the most crowded funeral I'd been to. My grandfather died the prior and there were lots of people there, many of whom he'd worked with and he'd been retired sixteen years.
One of my friends killed himself in July and I thought there would have been far more people there than were. It was sad how few people came and how insignificant he must have been in people's lives. Other than his churchgoers, a few close friends and old lovers, there was hardly no one there.
You never really know how much impact someone have (or didn't) and how much they were loved (or not) until the funeral.
I think it would be a terrible assumption to make that taking a head count at a funeral equates to how beloved a person was during his/her lifetime or how much of an impact he/she made on others.
I had an uncle by marriage that died four years ago. He worked as an installer with the local cable company for thirty plus years. He wasn't extremely outgoing or a socialite, but it was the most crowded funeral I'd been to. My grandfather died the prior and there were lots of people there, many of whom he'd worked with and he'd been retired sixteen years.
One of my friends killed himself in July and I thought there would have been far more people there than were. It was sad how few people came and how insignificant he must have been in people's lives. Other than his churchgoers, a few close friends and old lovers, there was hardly no one there.
You never really know how much impact someone have (or didn't) and how much they were loved (or not) until the funeral.
I disagree with your statement (at least in part). A well attended funeral may mean that the deceased was very well liked and well respected or it just may mean that the funeral was on a Saturday instead of a Wednesday morning (when many people are at work) or most friends & relatives live in the town where the funeral was held vs. live out of state.
Regarding your friend that took his own life. Perhaps his sparely attended funeral was just because he didn't have an address book that his relatives could find to contact people. (When a close friend of mine died her relatives did not know her computer password so they were not able to access her on-line address book. Many of her out of town friends did not learn about her death until well after the funeral), Also, some people believe that committing suicide is a sin and may have refused to attend the funeral for that reason.
One of my aunts died in winter & her funeral took place during a dangerous cold snap. Many of her elderly friends did not feel safe traveling to attend the funeral when the temperature was minus 15 degrees. If she had died in summer many more friends may have attended the funeral.
You never really know how much impact someone have (or didn't) and how much they were loved (or not) until the funeral.
Not a good indication..
My dad loved & was loved by so many people through out his life.
He touched lives every where he lived & worked..I still have strangers
contact me 15 years after losing him to tell me about his impact..
But he died 8 hours away from home and so we lost a day of funeral prep time & notifying
people..Had the funeral too fast in hind sight & mid week..
There was not a huge crowd at the funeral but it doesn't mean his life didn't impact others or that he wasn't loved ...
Not a good indication..
My dad loved & was loved by so many people through out his life.
He touched lives every where he lived & worked..I still have strangers
contact me 15 years after losing him to tell me about his impact..
But he died 8 hours away from home and so we lost a day of funeral prep time & notifying
people..Had the funeral too fast in hind sight & mid week..
There was not a huge crowd at the funeral but it doesn't mean his life didn't impact others or that he wasn't loved ...
Totally agree . . . there are so many reasons (including weather, work situations that won't allow people to attend a funeral, transportation of potential attendees, location of funeral, time of day/week, etc).
My grandmother had so many attend her wake, that the funeral directors (rightly) decided the church where her service was being held would not accommodate attendees, so they set up speakers outside, along with chairs. The attendees stood in the cold December rain b/c there were not enough to accommodate the crowd - there were as many folks outside as inside. But her funeral was local, she had been very integral in that community, and her extended family was very very large, as well. In fact, most of the interior of the church was filled with extended family members.
No way to judge how important a person was to others by attendance at a funeral. I have been a liturgical organist and have seen all sorts of situations, and I am convinced of this.
I think it would be a terrible assumption to make that taking a head count at a funeral equates to how beloved a person was during his/her lifetime or how much of an impact he/she made on others.
Sadly, there will always be people who think this way for one reason or another.
My dad recently passed away and he had a group of old men that he associated with, I hesitate at this point to call them "friends", but he knew these men for more than 10 yrs since moving from NY to FL.
They got together pretty much every weekend for more than a decade. Since Clinton was office, so more like 13 or 14 yrs.
I also know them, I have associated with them. Not one of them(there are 4) have picked up the phone or sent a card, I am both hurt and stunned.
Are you sure they knew how to get in touch with you? Did they know your address? Did they know your phone number? (Do you even have a land line anymore? It makes it difficult to find your number if you don't.)
Perhaps they had a chance to say goodbye before he died, and feel that was closure enough for them.
Yes, it would have been nice to to have a sense that your father was important to these friends. But in the bigger scheme of things -- would it truly have eased your grief? Probably not. And, to be perfectly sexist -- often men don't think of these things, it's their wives that make the gesture. And widowers often just don't remember the social niceties.
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