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He was 51, would have turned 52 in May. The assumption is that it was a massive heart attack, but the ME decided there was no need for an autopsy.
He had a full physical 2 months ago (EKG, chest x-ray, lab work). Everything was fine.
I went to bed Monday night around 11:30. My husband was a true night owl and would often stay up until 3 or 4 am playing computer games or checking Facebook or just watching TV.
I woke up at 6:30 and noticed that the lights were still on in the living room. I walked out and found him lying face down on the floor in front of the computer desk, with his hands under his chest. My first thought was that he had fallen and hit his head and was unconscious. I reached down and touched his shoulder (he was shirtless and wearing shorts) and he was cold, and then I noticed that his skin was mottled, and I knew he was dead and probably had been for several hours.
I was absolutely freaked out. I think I just stood there moaning "No no no no no" It's so strange how the mind works. I knew I needed to call the authorities, but I remembered hearing that you shouldn't call 911 if it wasn't an emergency. And it wasn't an emergency because he was already dead. But I didn't know what other "non-emergency" number to call. So, I called my neighbor who works for the sheriffs office and she said that yes, I should call 911. And she came right over to be with me while I waited. She knew my husband well because he was a member of a volunteer emergency response team that she was the leader of, but I had only met her once. I was so grateful that she came.
2 sheriff cars and an ambulance arrived within 15 minutes. We are rural and live on 10 acres about 5 miles from a small town of around 3500 people. They came in and examined him and then the ambulance left and the 2 sheriffs stayed and got information from me and asked questions about medical history, doctor, etc. They told me they would be calling a detective to come and take pictures and ask me questions. I think I was a potential suspect if there had been "foul play". Maybe I watch too much TV, where the spouse is always the first suspect.
It took about an hour for the detective to arrive. I had to choose a funeral home. I asked one of the sheriffs if we could put a sheet over my husband's body because we have an open floor plan and I could see him from where we were talking in the kitchen. I got a sheet and the sheriff covered him. I went out in the yard with our 10 rescue dogs who were understandably agitated. I noticed our lawn would need cutting soon. Realized that I don't know how to use our zero-turn mower. Wondered how I could even have any thoughts about the lawn while my husband was dead on the floor. It all felt very surreal.
The detective arrived, took pictures and talked to me. He went outside and called the medical examiner and was on the phone for about 5 minutes, then came and told me there was no need for an autopsy and that the funeral home would be coming to pick up the body. It took another hour until they arrived and took my husband away. It was 4 hours from when I found him until they left with him.
I am so lost. He was truly my soulmate. We had been together 31 years. We have always spent almost 24/7 with each other. We just enjoyed being with each other. I have never experienced a loss such as this. My father passed last year and I was sad but he was 89 and had lived a full life, and although we were close, we lived in different states and I only saw him a few times a year.
I've read a lot of posts here and I know my grief is not unique, but it feels unique to me, because I've never felt like this. I have people to support me. My mom and aunt came from 4 hours away to be with me. They are not staying at my house because I need some time alone daily with the dogs to "recharge" but they come over and spend time with me. They went to the funeral home with me and helped me with making decisions. I am an introvert and dealing with all the sympathy is difficult, although I know I need to accept it, and I sincerely appreciate it. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be around people. I just want my husband not to be dead.
Oh God, I am so sorry. I don’t know if it helps, but I’m sending thoughts of strength and comfort your way through my iPad keyboard. Thank goodness you’re surrounded by family at this time. I know your dogs must be a comfort to you too.
I hate to think that we long-time married folks have to consider that one will outlive the other, and which one of us will it be, and when? It’s sad to think that the good companionship will end, but at least you both had each other, in love, and as best friends. Many people in the world are not as lucky to have experienced that.
Thank you for your reply. I was really hoping someone would read this tonight.
It's almost 2:00 am so I can't really call anyone to talk, but I haven't slept since it happened, and my heart is still racing almost as fast as it was when I found him.
The nights (I can't believe this is only the second night without him) are very hard.
He was 51, would have turned 52 in May. The assumption is that it was a massive heart attack, but the ME decided there was no need for an autopsy.
He had a full physical 2 months ago (EKG, chest x-ray, lab work). Everything was fine.
I went to bed Monday night around 11:30. My husband was a true night owl and would often stay up until 3 or 4 am playing computer games or checking Facebook or just watching TV.
I woke up at 6:30 and noticed that the lights were still on in the living room. I walked out and found him lying face down on the floor in front of the computer desk, with his hands under his chest. My first thought was that he had fallen and hit his head and was unconscious. I reached down and touched his shoulder (he was shirtless and wearing shorts) and he was cold, and then I noticed that his skin was mottled, and I knew he was dead and probably had been for several hours.
I was absolutely freaked out. I think I just stood there moaning "No no no no no" It's so strange how the mind works. I knew I needed to call the authorities, but I remembered hearing that you shouldn't call 911 if it wasn't an emergency. And it wasn't an emergency because he was already dead. But I didn't know what other "non-emergency" number to call. So, I called my neighbor who works for the sheriffs office and she said that yes, I should call 911. And she came right over to be with me while I waited. She knew my husband well because he was a member of a volunteer emergency response team that she was the leader of, but I had only met her once. I was so grateful that she came.
2 sheriff cars and an ambulance arrived within 15 minutes. We are rural and live on 10 acres about 5 miles from a small town of around 3500 people. They came in and examined him and then the ambulance left and the 2 sheriffs stayed and got information from me and asked questions about medical history, doctor, etc. They told me they would be calling a detective to come and take pictures and ask me questions. I think I was a potential suspect if there had been "foul play". Maybe I watch too much TV, where the spouse is always the first suspect.
It took about an hour for the detective to arrive. I had to choose a funeral home. I asked one of the sheriffs if we could put a sheet over my husband's body because we have an open floor plan and I could see him from where we were talking in the kitchen. I got a sheet and the sheriff covered him. I went out in the yard with our 10 rescue dogs who were understandably agitated. I noticed our lawn would need cutting soon. Realized that I don't know how to use our zero-turn mower. Wondered how I could even have any thoughts about the lawn while my husband was dead on the floor. It all felt very surreal.
The detective arrived, took pictures and talked to me. He went outside and called the medical examiner and was on the phone for about 5 minutes, then came and told me there was no need for an autopsy and that the funeral home would be coming to pick up the body. It took another hour until they arrived and took my husband away. It was 4 hours from when I found him until they left with him.
I am so lost. He was truly my soulmate. We had been together 31 years. We have always spent almost 24/7 with each other. We just enjoyed being with each other. I have never experienced a loss such as this. My father passed last year and I was sad but he was 89 and had lived a full life, and although we were close, we lived in different states and I only saw him a few times a year.
I've read a lot of posts here and I know my grief is not unique, but it feels unique to me, because I've never felt like this. I have people to support me. My mom and aunt came from 4 hours away to be with me. They are not staying at my house because I need some time alone daily with the dogs to "recharge" but they come over and spend time with me. They went to the funeral home with me and helped me with making decisions. I am an introvert and dealing with all the sympathy is difficult, although I know I need to accept it, and I sincerely appreciate it. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be around people. I just want my husband not to be dead.
I am so sorry for your loss. This would have been similar to my story if I had left for work earlier on Christmas Eve morning 2018; but I was supposed to be there at 10 that day, not opening at 8am as the other shift was. He had a massive stroke that morning, around 8am. If I had not been there I would have come home that day and found him dead in our bedroom.
He was only 62 with no diagnosed health problems. He had a very minor stroke from which he completely recovered from two years prior and the doctors could not understand why he had it since his health markers were those of a much younger man--everything was good, what you'd see in a (actually very) healthy person. He did smoke however and we tried to get him to quit but to no avail. We were only married for two and half years and in the over four years that we knew each other talked with each other literally almost everyday (there were only a handful of days from when we first wrote to each other on CF where we did not communicate in some way); we had an exceptionally wonderful marriage, probably as perfect as you can get here on earth.
Everyone's grief is so personal and unique, no one can completely understand one another. Our relationships with our spouses are so individualized. My husband was and is everything to me. He truly is my soul mate, no one else completed my life the way he did and I strongly feel that there is no one I will meet out there who will be even close to what he was to me (even though I'm still quite young, 41).
I'm so grateful that I do have a strong faith in God (were I not to have, my husband and I would not have met anyway since we met on Christian forums); it keeps me going here. Just this past month while I was on vacation it seems I truly turned a corner in my grief. I read this book, "A Layman Takes a Look at the Lord's Prayer" and it gave me such an insight into my Heavenly Father's character that I never realized before by reading the Bible. It just seemed to uplift me closer to him and my sorrow has lessened greatly. But especially those first few weeks, months, when my world had completely fallen all around me, the only person I had to hold onto was Jesus (my family could provide me with no real comfort since they did not care for my husband) and I wasn't very close to my church family.
I am an introvert too. I never thought I would find a lifelong companion and it was completely out of the blue how my husband was just thrown into my lap by the hand of God (Christian forums is a forum like this, not a dating site; neither of us was looking for a spouse at the time). I'm glad you have the support of your family. That is why my faith meant so much to me at that time because I pretty much had no one except Jesus; I felt I couldn't even talk of his death on here right away. I didn't have really any close friends; pretty much my husband was the only close relationship I had outside of my family and like I said it seemed, though they were coming around to him and accepting the idea that he truly did make me happy and treated me well, that they weren't really that sad to see him leave me.
And I feel the way as you do how I don't want to be alone but I really don't like being around other people. I just crave my husband's presence. I love to look at him, hear his voice, feel him, smell him. It seems it may be easier though to be alone being an introvert though; I've had a few opportunities to be with other men but I chose not to because I don't want to be with just anyone. I'd rather be alone because none of those relationships were fulfilling to me the way my husband was.
I am just so sorry to hear this and pray that you will find comfort and strength.
Awful, Molly. I am so sorry to hear this. Today is the 19 month anniversary of my wife dying in hospice.
So yes, the downside of a long term healthy happy marriage is that someone is going to die first. That was your husband, and that was pretty young. You're left for the day by day hour by hour picking up the pieces.
And yes, the spouse is always the first suspect in a mysterious death, or a murder. The cops are just following SOP, but it's still got to be freaky.
I think I'd request an autopsy if that's possible. I don't know what they cost if you have to pay. The peace of mind and clearing up the mystery might be worth it.
We've had a lot of discussions here--not that our discussions matter because when death comes knocking, that's the end of the story--about what's better, a quick death or a long slow road.
My wife died within 10 days or our ER trip. Quick. And a nightmare.
My father died after long long illnesses and slow decline. I asked my mother, after he died, how about grieving? She said, I've been grieving for years.
So I'll take the mercy of a quick death. Again, we have no choice.
I'm glad you have people around, and your dogs to cuddle with and provide comfort. One day or one hour or one minute at a time. You were blessed with 31 years of love and constant companionship.
My sincere condolences, Molly. Nothing I say will provide anything for you. I can not relate to this, but when I read your part about going outside with the dogs, and seeing that the grass would need to be cut, how were you going to do that if you don't know how to operate the mower, and then asking yourself why are you thinking about the grass right now....not going to lie, it choked me up, because the gravity of it all really came out in that bit.
You were still thinking of normal life, then switched to 'how to take care of normal life', then switched to "the height of the grass is not the issue here!" because nothing is 'normal' now, and you had no idea when you went to bed the night before, how your entire world was about to change.
Whenever I hear a news story about someone passing on, however it is that they did, for some reason, the thought of them tying their shoes that morning always comes up in my mind. I don't know why, but I think it's the idea of the 'normal' suddenly ending. Pretty sure that's why your thought about mowing the grass got to me.
Thankfully, you have family who will help you navigate through some of this, but...eventually, it will be just you and your thoughts and memories.
You will work through this, your way, but I'd like to suggest, when you're ready, to read Kathryn Arragon's thread when her husband passed. I hope that you can find something in there to help you through this, even though each person is different, each person grieves differently...but she also pointed out things - normal things - that come up days, weeks, months later, and openly talked about how she got through things.
I hope that you feel welcome to do the same here. I'm also an introvert, and it's much easier for me to write things out than it is to deal with people face to face. If you feel like you need to get something out, and you want someone to hear you, you can come here, any time of the day or night.
We may not all know each other, but from what I've witnessed on this part of the forum, there are some very insightful, wise people here who know just how to help someone, or just listen to someone when they need it.
I don't know what else to say - please make sure you get rest, and please make sure you eat, even if you don't want to.
Oh Molly, I am so, so sorry for your loss and for your shock. I can definitely relate. My husband died suddenly from his first time, massive heart attack. I didn't find him though because he was at work in another state, so a state trooper came to my door and told me. I was in complete shock. Since he was out of state, they did have to do an autopsy but yes, it was a massive heart attack as they suspected immediately. This was nearly two years ago. He was 62 and had no significant health problems though he did have slight high blood pressure which was well controlled by a small dose of Losartan daily. He had also just had a physical and passed it with flying colors. He was due for a scan, which would have caught the blockage, a few months later. Oh, he also did have very high triglycerides which he could not control with diet or meds. We wouldn't have even known that if he hadn't been under a doctor's care for the slight high blood pressure. Zero symptoms.
He and I were married for fourteen years and together for fifteen. He was such a cutie, so handsome, so gallant, so witty and adorable. We literally never argued. Never. I have had about a gazillion people reach out to me and tell me how crazy my husband was about me and how happy he was (same here). In five years I lost, in this order, my father in law, my mother in law, my dad, my mom, my younger brother, and then my husband. Terrible years of loss but losing my husband was the worst shock and worst event of my life. Then just a few weeks later, I tripped over my old dog on my concrete patio and shattered my right elbow so badly that I had to ride in an ambulance and have surgery and all that good stuff. Now I have a titanium right (dominant) elbow. It was THE BEST THING that has ever happened to me though because it forced me to be still, to focus on my own needs, to process my grief, to be contemplative and deliberate, if that makes sense. He was my third husband and I was his fourth wife. But just goes to show you that true love can come - and go - unexpectedly in our lives. I never expected to find him, or lose him. But now I am incredibly thankful that he was in my life for fifteen beautiful years. What a blessing he was. I was 42 and he was 47 when we met and yet he was absolutely the love of my life. My adult kids adored him. When he died, they all flew to my side. It was super helpful.
Anyway, you describe the feelings perfectly. Oh, I wanted to tell you, I have a cousin who is 47 and her husband was a few years older than her, like nine years so he was around 56 and had a sudden, massive heart attack and was found by her the next morning too, exactly as you described. This happened a few months ago. She was totally totally shocked.
So much is going to happen to you and your emotions over the next year and two years and three years and forever, but especially over the next few months. This is a very, very safe place for you to vent or share in my experience. Also, I encourage you, if you can, to go to your doctor and get a short term aid for sleeping because that's one thing I struggled with SO MUCH over the first few months - I simply could not sleep. I am more prone to anxiety than to depression. I still struggle with some anxiety two years later in fact, but I can sleep now and haven't needed the meds to do that for a long, long time.
Another thing I did that was worth every penny was I started going to a grief counselor. Not a grief group, a one on one grief counselor. I went once a week for a long time, then once every few weeks, then once a month, and now I've stopped. When I stopped, she gave me the drawings I'd done over the months and WOW, I couldn't believe how I had changed. I do remember going in and talking to her and only crying for the first few times.
I miss my husband so, so much. I have felt it all - sadness, extreme grief, melancholy, nothing, anger, fear, anxiety, denial, you name it. One thing I learned here as well as with my grief counselor, is that grief is NOT LINEAR. And people feel and express it differently. For me, I hate the word widow and I don't want him to come back now and I quit wearing my wedding band in December 2020. It was helpful for me to get most of his stuff out of my sight, either by giving it away or selling it. I didn't WANT his stuff in his drawer beside the bed, or his toothbrush in the bathroom, or whatever. I eventually sold the house we bought together and bought my own house and decorated it the way I wanted to decorate it.
However, there are little weird things that I am very clingy too. For instance, I had him cremated but I have a small pewter heart with a few of his ashes in it, and I take it with me on every single trip I go on - and for many months after his cremation, I would sleep with that small heart nestled in my hand or beneath my pillow. It doesn't have his name or anything on it, so I doubt anyone would know what it is. Also, I quit wearing my wedding set, but I have a necklace that he had made for me out of my first wedding set - it is a fleur de lis and I wear it constantly and intend to do so forever. Once again, no one knows what it is except for me and a very few very close friends.
Also, get this, you know where I have some of his photos? Where I get dressed, in my closet. Tucked away so to speak, but I see them every single morning, and I do look at them.
I was 58 when he died suddenly and my life changed forever. I am 60 now. I have zero interest in dating anyone, and I haven't dated anyone. I've had a few men express interest over the months but I think I am putting off some serious "Don't get near me" vibes or something. Anyway, I am completely, completely uninterested in any of them. Maybe one day I will be more interested but so far, no. But I have a friend whose husband died around the same time mine did, and she's a bit older than me and she began dating about six months after her husband died. And my cousin, who is 48 now - she will probably remarry and I hope she does. I think she's starting to show some interest. I have friends who are older, and younger, than me, and they've remarried or dated again. One friend has lost TWO husbands. Actually, I think several have. I don't know how they got through it. No thanks. But I've been told it was totally worth it.
I was very surprised to read from the US Census Bureau that the median age for widowhood is FIFTY EIGHT. And once a person hits 65, for women the remarriage rate is only 2 percent. TWO PERCENT. Here are the top three reasons for not remarrying, in order:
1. I like my independence too much.
2. I never want to experience loss like that again.
3. I don't find older men to be attractive.
Another widow here offering condolences. It has been 7.5 years for me, it was an illness and not sudden death. Each situation is unique. I was also 58 when I became a widow, my DH was much older.
Even after all these years my sleep is disturbed. Early on, it was worse. My only advice is, take one day at a time, do what YOU want to do, and don't let other people tell you what you should be doing or feeling, or where you should be in the journey of grief. People may say all kinds of stupid things to you, please realize that it's because they don't know what to say.
And remember that your husband is still with you, talk to him when you need to. Love never dies.
So sorry for your loss, sending prayers and thoughts your way.
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