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He was 51, would have turned 52 in May. The assumption is that it was a massive heart attack, but the ME decided there was no need for an autopsy.
He had a full physical 2 months ago (EKG, chest x-ray, lab work). Everything was fine.
I went to bed Monday night around 11:30. My husband was a true night owl and would often stay up until 3 or 4 am playing computer games or checking Facebook or just watching TV.
I woke up at 6:30 and noticed that the lights were still on in the living room. I walked out and found him lying face down on the floor in front of the computer desk, with his hands under his chest. My first thought was that he had fallen and hit his head and was unconscious. I reached down and touched his shoulder (he was shirtless and wearing shorts) and he was cold, and then I noticed that his skin was mottled, and I knew he was dead and probably had been for several hours.
I am so sorry for your loss and grief. I will be thinking of you even though I don't know you. RIP to your husband, Mike. <3
One thing, OP, that you can eventually find comfort in, is that your husband had what my brother and I call "a good death." It was quick and he may not have even known he was dying. The medical examiner who had to do an autopsy on my husband (because he was from out of state, not because they suspected foul play) told me that she wished she could tell everyone this but she can't - but she was glad she could tell me that it didn't seem like my husband had one instant of pain or knowledge - she said his airbags didn't deploy (so he was going super slow -makes sense because he had just pulled out of a convenience store), and that his hands weren't even clinched and of course there were not even any skid marks on the road. He didn't even spill a drop of his coffee he'd just bought. She said literally she thinks that one second he was with us and the next second he wasn't. Sounds like your husband might have had a similar experience. Anyway, he didn't suffer long and I think that's a fantastic way to go personally.
Heck, they didn't have to get old, get sick, hurt in the mornings, etc. They died while they were still handsome and active. I think those are good things myself. Hope that's comforting to you, OP.
I agree about the signs. One common one is cardinals. I remember my next door neighbor calling me once a few weeks after my husband died and saying "Are you at home?" (I was.) He said "Look out your back windows. The yard is full of cardinals." (It was.)
Another common occurrence is a dream (nearly two years later I still have them regularly). I call some of them "visitation dreams." I was mad at first because my granddaughter actually dreamed about my husband coming to see her before I dreamed about him coming to see me! But both were just a couple of weeks afterward.
First off I want to say to the OP that I am very sorry for your loss. I know how shocking these sorts of sudden deaths can be.
My father died recently in a manner similar to this and similar to what the OP described. My mother found him sitting in his lazyboy after getting ready to go to work that day. She went in the kitchen to get him something, came back just a minute later and he was gone. No sign of distress - just sitting there. I have taken comfort in his "easy" passing. He was a good man who deserved a death with dignity and he got it. He was my mother's caretaker so his passing has turned our entire world upside down but I'm still glad he had an easy road out.
I'm quoting these specific parts of your post because of two things. One, everyone in my family has been seeing a lot of cardinals lately and on different occasions have remarked on it. We thought maybe it was just a big year for cardinals, similar to the year we had a few years ago where our whole backyard was covered in tiny toads. Perhaps there is something more to it though.
The second thing is the dreams I've been having about my father, that sort of feel like visitation dreams. I won't bore you with details but with the exception of one disturbing one a day or two after his passing where he seemed distraught, they have all been pleasant, including one where he didn't say anything but gave me a big smile and one where he asked for my daughter by name and gave her a big hug. I don't quite know what my beliefs are on these matters but I like to think they were more than just dreams.
I do take solace in the fact that his death was most likely instantaneous. In a weird way, I'm glad that he was very, very dead when I found him. It had obviously been hours. I can't even imagine a scenario where I might have had to try to revive him after he had passed. I'm not saying this right, but if he had just passed and was already dead but still warm and I couldn't bring him back, it would hurt even more, I think.
We had a really great last day together. The excitement of the concrete pour and making plans for the landscaping around the concrete. Sharing our thoughts and ideas of how we wanted it to look and the supplies we'd need to purchase. He was so excited, he even wanted to go to Lowe's right then and start buying what we needed. But Lowe's is 30 miles away, so I said we'd just wait until our weekly shopping trip on Wednesday. I didn't want to waste the gas on a "frivolous" trip. He was fine with that and told me he just wanted me to know that he wouldn't mind if I wanted to get the supplies that even so we could start on the landscaping the next day.
We cooked dinner together, it was one of his favorites. Spaghetti and meat sauce made with edamame noodles. He preferred "real" spaghetti but we're trying to cut carbs and he thought that the edamame pasta was a very close substitution.
We watched TV for a couple of hours (Heartland on Netflix) and around 11:00 I went to bed. He went in with me, tucked me (and a couple of dogs) in, kissed me good-night and said "Love you, see you in the morning"
He was 51, would have turned 52 in May. The assumption is that it was a massive heart attack, but the ME decided there was no need for an autopsy.
He had a full physical 2 months ago (EKG, chest x-ray, lab work). Everything was fine.
I went to bed Monday night around 11:30. My husband was a true night owl and would often stay up until 3 or 4 am playing computer games or checking Facebook or just watching TV.
I woke up at 6:30 and noticed that the lights were still on in the living room. I walked out and found him lying face down on the floor in front of the computer desk, with his hands under his chest. My first thought was that he had fallen and hit his head and was unconscious. I reached down and touched his shoulder (he was shirtless and wearing shorts) and he was cold, and then I noticed that his skin was mottled, and I knew he was dead and probably had been for several hours.
I was absolutely freaked out. I think I just stood there moaning "No no no no no" It's so strange how the mind works. I knew I needed to call the authorities, but I remembered hearing that you shouldn't call 911 if it wasn't an emergency. And it wasn't an emergency because he was already dead. But I didn't know what other "non-emergency" number to call. So, I called my neighbor who works for the sheriffs office and she said that yes, I should call 911. And she came right over to be with me while I waited. She knew my husband well because he was a member of a volunteer emergency response team that she was the leader of, but I had only met her once. I was so grateful that she came.
2 sheriff cars and an ambulance arrived within 15 minutes. We are rural and live on 10 acres about 5 miles from a small town of around 3500 people. They came in and examined him and then the ambulance left and the 2 sheriffs stayed and got information from me and asked questions about medical history, doctor, etc. They told me they would be calling a detective to come and take pictures and ask me questions. I think I was a potential suspect if there had been "foul play". Maybe I watch too much TV, where the spouse is always the first suspect.
It took about an hour for the detective to arrive. I had to choose a funeral home. I asked one of the sheriffs if we could put a sheet over my husband's body because we have an open floor plan and I could see him from where we were talking in the kitchen. I got a sheet and the sheriff covered him. I went out in the yard with our 10 rescue dogs who were understandably agitated. I noticed our lawn would need cutting soon. Realized that I don't know how to use our zero-turn mower. Wondered how I could even have any thoughts about the lawn while my husband was dead on the floor. It all felt very surreal.
The detective arrived, took pictures and talked to me. He went outside and called the medical examiner and was on the phone for about 5 minutes, then came and told me there was no need for an autopsy and that the funeral home would be coming to pick up the body. It took another hour until they arrived and took my husband away. It was 4 hours from when I found him until they left with him.
I am so lost. He was truly my soulmate. We had been together 31 years. We have always spent almost 24/7 with each other. We just enjoyed being with each other. I have never experienced a loss such as this. My father passed last year and I was sad but he was 89 and had lived a full life, and although we were close, we lived in different states and I only saw him a few times a year.
I've read a lot of posts here and I know my grief is not unique, but it feels unique to me, because I've never felt like this. I have people to support me. My mom and aunt came from 4 hours away to be with me. They are not staying at my house because I need some time alone daily with the dogs to "recharge" but they come over and spend time with me. They went to the funeral home with me and helped me with making decisions. I am an introvert and dealing with all the sympathy is difficult, although I know I need to accept it, and I sincerely appreciate it. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be around people. I just want my husband not to be dead.
Oh Molly. I have no words. I am so terribly sorry for the sudden loss of your beloved husband. How traumatic, finding him like that. I'm sure you are still in shock. Hugs to you, dear one.
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mollybygolly
I did sleep for 5 hours last night and managed to eat a piece of fried chicken.
...
We have been saving for a concrete driveway and parking pad for 8 years. On the last day of his life, the concrete got poured. After the contractor left, we kept going outside to admire it. We joked with each other that we were "fancy" people now with concrete instead of gravel. .... Mike never got to see his dream realized.
Mike is very fortunate to have YOU, and to have got your new 'dream' driveway poured and he got to SEE IT!!!.
While I'm sure he is wishing he was enjoying it with you... consider it a GIFT from him (you both admired it). And he won't have to worry about getting that first grease spot on it from working on a car! (as I do...too frequently).
It is really special you both were abe to realize this 'dream driveway' together, yet you will enjoy the tangible benefit for yrs to come.
Don't be afraid to ask neighbors and family to help you equip your home / estate to best suit your future abilities and needs to care for the place. (and the critters).
A neighbor gal lost her hubby last fall and has been able to make several upgrades in equipment, fences, driveways and gates to assist with stuff he 'planned' to do, but would have struggled with for another 20 yrs because he thought he was able to deal with it.
Your driveway is a great story, heartfelt to those of us still laying in the dirt and dealing with mud and dust
Pics when you get a chance .
I will bet a new concrete driveway is on the top 5 list of my spouse .
Have a blessed day.
The emptiness is real, so go out and hug your driveway. (While the neighbors are not looking !)
FWIW, I got to know a middle-aged couple years ago when I rented their old farmhouse. They had an inspiring but ultimately sad similar story. Susan and Jeff first met as children when she used to spend the summers at her uncle and aunt's home a short walk down the road from the farm Jeff grew up on. He had a secret crush on her but was too shy to say anything.
Year after year, they spent happy summers doing kid stuff together. Eventually she went away to college and those precious summer visits became more and more rare. Of course they wrote back and forth, but Jeff being the outdoorsy guy of few words, Susan did most of it. It wasn't the same. Jeff finally worked up the courage to tell her how he felt and even to propose marriage. Unfortunately, he missed his chance. Susan met someone at school, dated, married, and followed him to Australia. Jeff never left the family farm and in the back of his mind, pined for his dearest friend.
Some years later, he happened to hear from the town's grocery store owner in passing that Susan's marriage had been rocky and had just ended in a bitter divorce. She was coming back to spend some time with her uncle and aunt who still lived down the road from the farm. Jeff gathered his courage and set his plans: he spruced himself up, spruced up the farm with its bachelor pad house, bought an engagement ring, and shyly got himself "invited" to the uncle and aunt's house for dinner to welcome Susan home. Everything went as he hoped...the dinner was great, Susan was so happy to see him again, they talked for hours, and then took an evening walk down by the river they both knew so well. He asked her. She accepted.
Jeff built her a new house that she decorated and filled with friends. They'd been married a couple of years by the time I rented the farm's original house from them. I don't think I've been around two people who were so blissfully happy together. The way they were with each other, the way they'd talk about each other when the other wasn't present. Silly pranks they'd play, one or the other was always giving small gifts. I was always finding them stealing into the bushes or behind the barn for a kissing session. I'd join them on the porch in the evenings and just listen to two happy people talk and laugh about everything. Jeff bloomed into a confident outgoing person. Susan, who apparently had gone through some miserable years ending up smoking and having trouble with alcohol. She quit both and never looked back.
Eventually I moved away for another job, but kept in touch with both of them. As usual, Susan was usually the writer. Her letters were full of their life on the farm and how grateful she was to have found peace and love after so long away. Then her letters stopped and mine went unanswered. Finally I got a card and note from Jeff. You could tell how painful it was for him to write. One day he was out doing some sort of field work and headed back to the house for lunch. Susan commented that she wasn't feeling all that well but blew it off, prepared lunch as usual, planned to hoe her peas, and Jeff went back to work. Mid afternoon he had an odd premonition, dropped what he was doing, and drove back to the house. To find Susan dead on the kitchen floor. She'd suffered a massive heart attack and was gone. For a while no one thought Jeff would survive as he was completely lost. He did, but I haven't heard from him since. Of course its a sad story, but you can be happy both of them did have those few years together.
My heart goes out to you OP. Wishing you peace.
Last edited by Parnassia; 04-29-2022 at 03:52 PM..
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). And he won't have to worry about getting that first grease spot on it from working on a car! (as I do...too frequently).
and gates to assist with stuff he 'planned' to do, but would have struggled with for another 20 yrs because he thought he was able to deal with it.
.
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