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This August will mark the 2nd anniversary of my wife's passing. She was 51 as well. She had Stage 5 ESRD (Kidney failure). For us, it wasn't a question of "if" as much as "when". It happened while we were eating dinner. Fortunately our son is already grown and out of the house so he wasn't there to witness the mayhem. She went into cardiac arrest shortly after we began eating. I frantically called 911, went to unlock the front door, and immediately began administering CPR. My own heart felt like it was going to explode. Within 15 minutes we had what seemed to be half of our little cities EMT/Firefighting team in our house. They took control of the situation. They were able to stabilize her and get her to the hospital. I couldn't go because we were in the middle of the COVID panic at the time. I had 3 hours to try and process what had just happened. A lot of pacing back and forth with my cell phone in hand followed. Then THE phone call came. I was notified that she had regained consciousness and was talking, but then had a 2nd massive heart attack and they were not able to revive her. The feeling that comes over you at that moment is indescribable. I knew it was coming, yet still nothing can prepare you for the moment.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I can only understand part of what you must be going through, as his death was completely unexpected, and I remember how much my life changed from that day on. Keep your friends and family close during this difficult time. Let them be a comfort in any way they offer. Time does heal, and you will move forward again, but you want to make sure it is at a pace that suits your needs. Everybody grieves in different ways, yet some ways are healthy while others may not be. What worked best for me was to STAY OCCUPIED. Being idle invites demons to enter. Keep your mind focused on the positive. I buried myself in my work, but that's just me. I've moved along at this point, but I'm still reminded every time I receive a piece of mail with her name on it.
I wish you deepest sympathies, my condolences, and a speedy path back towards reclaiming a sense of focus and normalcy in your life. It will be a challenge but you'll make it there.
My condolences on your loss. We do not know each other but I know someday most of us will have to go through something similar. Your first post is very well written and very descriptive. Try to get some sleep and don't forget to eat. During these difficult times it's important to not forget about your own health.
Thank you to all who have taken the time to reply and share your stories of your personal journeys through the grief process. It does help.
I joined a Widow support group on FB. Thank you to whoever it was on this thread that suggested I look for widow support groups on-line. I didn't realize that I WAS a widow. I don't even have a black veil! The women there have been very supportive. But it's a very large group, and I feel like I "know" many people here after reading so many threads over the past 10 years.
I slept a little better the past two nights. I still have no appetite but decided today that I am just going to have to force myself to eat. I do need to lose some weight, but the starvation diet probably isn't the healthiest way.
I have managed to take my vitamins and supplements. Mike would always bring them to me every morning while I sat at the desk reading CD threads. He put them in a small blue bowl, and when he brought them to me, I'd often jokingly call him my drug dealer. So now I put them in the bowl and set them on the desk myself.
I had to move Mike's truck yesterday. It was parked in the grass from when we had to move it to have the driveway poured, and I knew that Mike would not want the grass to die under it. I had never sat in the driver's seat. I have always been the passenger, or as we referred to it as "co-pilot". I sobbed as I hoisted myself (the truck is tall and I'm short) into his truck. Today it has been a week since the concrete was poured, so I can move the truck onto the new driveway.
I was talking with my mom yesterday, and she brought up what a blessing it is that Mike's heart attack happened at home and not while we were driving 75 mph down the interstate. That really resonated with me.
Yes, it was awful finding him here, but if he had to die, I'm grateful that it was in the home we shared together.
There will be all kinds of sneak attacks, like you had while sitting for the first time in his truck seat, at least there was for me. My brain kinda kept "forgetting". At the supermarket I would automatically start picking up his food, I would reach for the phone to call him....
Definitely find some food you can muck down, soup, yogurt, Ensure are all easy to swallow and you can get it over with.
Please feel free to share your favorite memories here, we would love to hear about them.
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I was so sad to read your post and, of course, I am so sorry for your loss, which I believe is the greatest loss anyone could have -- even more than the death of a child -- unless, that is, the spouse/partner is very advanced in years or is greatly suffering from disease. Even though my husband and I are still in our 60's, we have been together for almost 40 years, and I can imagine that if he were to suddenly die without any warning, I would feel very much as you do and react the same way. (Like you, I am an introvert.)
I think that you write exceptionally well, and I suspect that continuing to journal your thoughts might help you in the days to come.
Again, I am just SO sorry that you are going through this.
Molly I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I was widowed almost 12 years ago at 55 years old and as awful as it is, especially the first holidays without him, I survived and slowly, very slowly, life continued in the new normal.
Like Kathryn said be good to yourself first and foremost. After the shock your emotions will be all over the place. I would feel like I was doing okay but then I would have to talk to the VA and Social Security to notify them of my husband's death and I would get so choked up I couldn't even talk.
I was so sad to read your post and, of course, I am so sorry for your loss, which I believe is the greatest loss anyone could have -- even more than the death of a child -- unless, that is, the spouse/partner is very advanced in years or is greatly suffering from disease. Even though my husband and I are still in our 60's, we have been together for almost 40 years, and I can imagine that if he were to suddenly die without any warning, I would feel very much as you do and react the same way. (Like you, I am an introvert.)
I think that you write exceptionally well, and I suspect that continuing to journal your thoughts might help you in the days to come.
Again, I am just SO sorry that you are going through this.
Thank you. I've always heard that the loss of a child is the hardest, and I'm trying not to lean too hard on Mike's mom because I know her grief must be intense. I've never had a biological child, so I don't really understand the bond that a parent has for their child.
I do know that Mike has lived with me longer than he did with his mom (18 vs 31 years). I suppose everything is relative. I don't think her loss is less than mine, but she lives in Michigan and we're in Florida and we only saw her once a year when we visited.
Most of the people that I want/need to support me are the ones who were closest to Mike and knew him well, and they are also grieving. I don't want to add to their burden, and it feels narcissistic to assume my grief is greater than theirs.
My 80 y/o mother is really struggling. She is a 3-time cancer survivor, and had a mild heart attack last summer. She lives 4 hours from me, yet she and her sister (my 81 year old aunt) immediately jumped in the car to drive up to be with me when I called her. Although I have 2 brothers, Mike has always been her "handyman" after she lost her husband (not my dad) in 2005. She always had a "honey-do" list for him when we visited her and Mike would always remind me to ask her what she needed done when we visited so he could bring the right tools. She adored Mike and he enjoyed taking care of things for her.
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